by RH Tucker
“Be right there,” Jen’s voice answers back through the microphone.
“She’ll be right up. I hope you find something great for your mom.”
“Thanks,” I answer. At least, I think I do.
Ginger turns to leave, and I look over at the front doors. Maybe I can make a break for it before Jen shows up. And I know it’s my Jen. One, because I know she got a job at a makeup shop. And two, because the universe wouldn’t be so kind to me as to have this Jen just be a nice stranger, leaving my conscience at ease, after the crap I’ve pulled.
As sure as the sun rises, Jen turns a corner and as soon as she spots me, she stops in her tracks. I swallow the lump in my throat, give her an awkward smile, and an even more awkward wave.
“Hi,” I mutter.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, glancing around and keeping her voice low.
“Sorry. Rich and I are looking for gifts for our parent’s anniversary.”
“Oh,” she responds. She stays a couple feet away, as if she’s debating her next move. “Well, what are you looking for?”
I take a deep breath, keeping my eyes on her, but she doesn’t return the stare. Instead, she keeps scanning the store, avoiding eye contact.
“I don’t know … I know she likes MAC and―”
She starts walking. “This way. We just got this new product in I think your mom will love.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she says, finally looking at me, but she instantly turns back around. “I know she loves stuff that’s all natural and this stuff is great.”
“Okay.” I follow her around the table.
I don’t say anything else, other than “okay” or “yeah”. She doesn’t say much either, just little tidbits about what she thinks my mom will like. After about ten minutes, I’ve got a load of makeup and she rings me out at a checkout stand.
“Well, okay then.” I give her an anxious grin, taking the bag from her.
She just lifts her shoulder and looks away.
“Jen, listen, I have to say this―”
“No.” She puts up a hand. “Please, Lucas. Just don’t. Not here.”
She stares at me, worried and conflicted. And it hits me again how much I’ve screwed everything up.
“No, it’s not―” I grit my teeth, trying to calm myself. “Jen, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about everything I said and did. I wasn’t thinking. I was stupid and mad and was being selfish.”
“It’s okay, Lucas.”
“No, it’s not.” I quickly scan the store to make sure we’re at least somewhat alone, and there’s no one else waiting for help. The last thing I want now is to get her in trouble at work. “I thought of something today. We’re out here, looking for gifts for Mom and Dad, and I remember when they separated. When I thought they were going to get a divorce, you remember that?” She nods. “And I remember talking to you one night. Bawling my eyes out to you, telling you I hated my life. I hated my parents, and that I couldn’t believe they were doing this. You didn’t say a word. You just let me talk and cry. And then you hugged me, and it was the only thing that felt good in my life at the time.”
“Lucas,” she croaks out, and I can see the tears starting to well up in her eyes. “Why are you telling me this?”
“No, please don’t cry, Jen. I’m sorry, what I’m trying to say is you were there for me. And later that night, I started to feel like the biggest ass in the world.”
She wipes her eyes and lets out a soft chuckle. “Why?”
“Because, yeah it sucks that we thought they might get divorced, but there I was telling you all this stuff and I never even considered your feelings. I didn’t know where your mom was, but I knew she wasn’t around. I knew Nancy was your aunt, not your mom. You never, ever talked about your dad. And I felt like such a spoiled brat, complaining to you about all this stuff. And I thought about all that today because I kind of did it again. I complained to you about everything that night at the movies, only thinking about myself, and I never thought about you and your feelings. So, I’m sorry, Jen. I’m so freaking sorry.”
Chapter 32
Jen
Lucas leaves the store and I head back to our break room to see how bad my makeup is smearing. Thankfully, it’s not horrible. Double thankfully, we haven’t been busy today, so I’m able to gather my thoughts after everything he said. The door to the break room opens and Ginger pokes her head in.
“Everything okay?”
I nod, checking myself in the mirror again.
“You sure?” She steps in, closing the door.
“Yeah, it’s fine, Ginger. Sorry about that.”
“Boyfriend trouble?”
I let out a scoff. “No, not exactly.”
“Not exactly?” she says, raising an eyebrow. “That sounds interesting.”
“It’s not. We used to be best friends and now we’re … not.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really. No.”
“Okay.” She puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you take a fifteen and come back and finish your shift?”
“Okay.” I nod, because really, what else am I going to do?
I head across the parking lot to Burger Shack and decide to get some fries and a soda. Lucas’ words are still running through my head as I order my food. Walking over to the soda dispenser, I see Rich out of the corner of my eye and quickly step in front of the soda machine, hoping he didn’t see me. Lucas has his back to me, both of them sitting at the table.
“I feel like such an ass,” I hear Lucas tell his brother. “How do I keep screwing this up, man? I was trying to apologize, and I feel like I just made it worse. Again.”
“You didn’t. It’s just a lot, you know?”
“I understand that we’ll never be what I wanted, I get that now. But, I don’t know … I just wish we could be something. Some sort of friends. Instead, I’m this jerkwad she practically hates.”
“She doesn’t hate you.”
I stare down at my shoes, feeling like I’m eavesdropping but still wanting to listen.
“Just give her time,” Rich says. “I’m not saying she’ll come around or anything like that, but you’re like this annoying little puppy that just keeps yapping at her.”
“Thanks.”
Rich laughs. “Seriously, bro. It’s a bad look. We’ve all got our own issues. You know what my hang up is.”
“Rosie.”
Rich nods, as he looks down at the table. “Jen’s got her own issues, just like everyone else. Sometimes, the only thing we can do is give people space and hope for the best.”
My order number is called, and I glance over my shoulder at the server and then back at Rich and Lucas. Lucas still hasn’t turned around, but if I walk back over to pick up my fries, Rich might see me. I turn and face the guy at the counter, hoping that by avoiding the boys all together, it’ll be like I was never here.
Instead, I grab my bag of fries and before I leave the store, I turn and look back at them. Lucas is still sitting at the table, but I see Rich and he sees me. He gives me a silent, knowing nod, and then goes back to his food. I leave the store wondering if he knew I was by the soda machine when they were talking.
When I finish my shift, I talk to Emma on the phone about the encounter. After discovering everything about my mom, of course she was the first person I called and talked to about it. Something about finally knowing and getting to talk about it to someone that wasn’t Nancy seemed to put me a little more at ease.
“So,” Emma says to me on the phone as I lay in bed. “What are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, since you know the truth about your mom?”
She waits, while I stay quiet. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it since Nancy told me everything. I’ve been so scared, imagining things might change with Lucas, because I held on to that thought and believe that that’s what my mom did. She left me. She s
topped loving me. I do still feel some of that. I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get over her leaving me with my aunt. But I have so much more context now for things she was feeling. I know now that she did come back and try to get back in my life. But I’m still scared.
I let out a huff. “I don’t know.”
“Do you really think he’d go through everything he has if he didn’t really have those deep feelings for you?”
“No, but she did leave,” I counter, reverting to my old excuse.
“Jen,” she says softly. “I can’t tell you what to do. I’m your best friend and I’ll be here for you no matter what happens, now or ten years from now.”
“You better.”
She laughs. “But I do think you should at least think about the what-ifs in a good way and not just a bad way.”
“I don’t only think about the bad stuff.”
“Right,” she scoffs. “You’re always thinking about what could go wrong with Lucas. What happens if he leaves or stops liking you or whatever.”
“Can you blame me?”
“No, but I also know there’s a flip side to that. What would happen if you tried? What good things could come if you said yes? I’ve never thought of you as looking at the bad side of things, I just think you’re scared.”
“You know I am.”
“But what if, Jen? What if your fantasies of kissing him when you were younger came true? What if you guys were there for each other, like you used to be and like you two always thought you would be. What if you …”
“What?”
“What if you doodling his last name as yours actually came true one day, like all those times you told me about when you’d write his name in your notebooks. What if, Jen?”
I stay quiet on the phone. So does she. “And if I’m right?” I finally say.
“About what?”
“About all the bad what-ifs? About him loving me but then falling for someone else. What then?”
“Then, I’ll help you plot a revenge scheme so great he’ll wish he’d never made that mistake.” We both laugh. “And if I’m right?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ll tell you, because I know. If I’m right, I better be your maid of honor.” Her words bring another round of laughs out of both of us.
“Maybe you’re right. But I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up to him now. I mean, he was right, you know? He put it all out there and those things he did were so great. How would I even come back and try to meet that? I can’t be all, ‘Hey, I know I rejected you time after time, but I think I want to try this thing between us now’. I’d feel like such an idiot.”
She giggles. “Jen, don’t overthink it. Just be honest with him. Let him know he’s the one that has a key to that lock around your heart. And believe me, it’s not that I don’t like Lucas, but the last thing I did say to him was I called him an asshole, so that’s sort of saying a lot.”
“When did you become the guru in our friendship, dolling out advice?”
“What can I say, I’m getting the hang of this relationship stuff.”
I let out a chuckle and suddenly her words trigger a memory. “Holy crap. What’d you say?”
“What? I told you what I called him after that stunt he pulled.”
“No, not that,” I say, almost absentmindedly. “The key thing. I just remembered something, something him and I talked about when we were younger. I just had an idea.”
“What kind of idea?”
Chapter 33
Lucas
Sitting at a little Italian restaurant in Corona del Mar, I’ve barely touched my food. We brought our parents out for an anniversary dinner and Rich had the bright idea to invite Nancy and Jen. I shouldn’t be upset, because Nancy and our mom have been friends ever since she moved next door. And it’s not like he did it to try and get a rise out of me, because he also invited Bobby and Olivia, another couple our parents are friends with. But I still feel super awkward, not having a clue what to say to Jen since apologizing to her while she was working.
Other than that, the night seems to be going fine. The restaurant is beach side and it’s got a great view, overlooking the ocean. And my parents are enjoying themselves and the company. Actually, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even Jen. She’s chatted a little with my mom and looked at me a couple times, but I have no idea what’s left to say. I don’t want to be stupid and I don’t want to upset her, so I just keep my mouth shut.
After using the restroom, I head back to our seats, where everyone’s getting up from the table. “What’s going on?”
“Bobby and Olivia invited everyone back to their house to hang out for a little while,” Rich answers.
“Oh, okay.” I nod and scan the crowd as they make their way out of the restaurant. “You know, I think I’m just gonna hang out on the beach for a little bit.”
“Really?” My dad looks over at me.
“Yeah, Jackson said he wanted to maybe do something later tonight,” I lie. “He hit me up a little bit ago.”
Rich gives me a look like he knows I’m lying. Surprisingly, so does Jen, while my mom just offers a frown.
“Aw, well okay,” she says, giving me a hug. “Thank you for the lovely dinner.”
“You’re welcome.” I hug her back.
We all leave, and I separate from them, walking along the side of the building as the rest of them head to the parking lot.
Me: What are you doing?
I text Jackson. I should at least see what he’s up to, so I don’t feel too guilty about the lie.
Jackson: Dude, my lif sux! U knwo wat inevntyr is?
Me: Inventory?
My phone rings.
“So, apparently,” Jackson starts as soon as I answer, “once a month we have to count all kinds of crap in the store, to make sure we’re not wasting product, things aren’t getting stolen, and stuff like that.”
“That sucks,” I say with a laugh.
“It does! I’ve already counted a hundred bags of chips! Oh, and don’t get me started on all the cups, paper wrapping boxes, and other crap.” His voice gets higher, and I can hear the irritation. “And my pops wants me to go over accounting stuff with him. Just so I can see how it’s done,” his voice deepens with the last words, imitating his dad.
“So, I take it you can’t hit up Corona del Mar then?”
“You suck, you now that?”
I laugh. “All right, later, man.”
“Yeah, later.”
I hang up and kick off my shoes and socks. Something about the ocean water hitting my feet, the rhythmic feeling of the waves rolling in and out, has always had a comforting effect. As I tie the shoe laces together to carry them, I hear Jen behind me.
“So,” she says. I turn around and see her giving me a small smile. “Did you just call him right now to fill out your little fib?”
“What makes you think I was fibbing?” I say, peaking an eyebrow.
“I know when you lie. I didn’t, but Rich told me one time.”
I give her a crooked smile. “Oh, really?”
“Yes, really. You do this thing where you bite your upper lip for a second, then you cover it with your bottom lip.”
“What?”
“Like this,” she reenacts my supposed tell and now I’m staring at her lips. I let out a deep breath, immediately regretting it.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, as I turn around to gaze out over the water.
“You seemed quiet tonight.”
I lift my shoulders. “There’s not much else to say, is there? I just don’t―” I stop my words, not wanting to say anymore and cause anymore issues.
“You don’t what?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head and start walking along the wet sand.
“Luc, you can still talk to me,” she says, following me.
“Yeah, maybe. One day. Right now, I feel like everything I say is wrong.”
“Is that what you were going to
say? You don’t want to say the wrong thing?”
I nod.
She smiles. “You’re lying.”
I cringe with a smirk, catching my tell.
“You don’t want to what?”
“Hurt you.” I stop to look at her. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing and hurt you. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing. I’ve been pushing this thing, and I don’t want to make it any more awkward than it already is.”
Her smile drops, and she watches the waves rolling in. “Hold me,” she whispers, and I’m taken aback, not sure I’ve heard her correctly. She looks up at me, her eyes meeting mine. “Please?”
Dropping my shoes, I wrap my arms around her. She lays her head on my shoulder, her arms wrapped around my waist.
“I haven’t been fair to you.”
“Jen, no. Like I said, I’m the one who kept pushing.”
“Yeah, but you only did it because you love me.” She pulls her head back to look up at me. “You do still love me, right?”
A small chuckle surprises me as I let it go. “I’ll always love you. I don’t think there’s anything that will change that.”
She stares back up at me, and for a split-second I think she might say it back. For a brief instant, I think she’s finally mine, but she just nods and lays her head down back on my shoulder.
“And that’s why I haven’t been fair to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been comparing your love to someone else’s. Someone I thought I knew. Someone who’s dead and ever since I found that out, I’ve learned so much more about her than I thought I would.”
“What are you talking about?”
“My mom,” she answers, meeting my eyes again. “She’s dead. Nancy took me to her gravesite.”
“Oh my God. Jen, I’m sorry.”
She’s quiet, keeping her arms wrapped around me. My heart is racing, and I wonder if she can hear or feel it. My brain is everywhere, wondering why she’s telling me this, wondering what I can do to help her through whatever she’s feeling, or if she even wants me to.