by Ruth Wind
She dropped her jaw in exaggerated shock. "Ow!" Raising a quick eyebrow, she said, "You must know some of my girlfriends."
"They all come here to ski."
"Of course." His knee was only a few inches from her own, and she poked it with one finger. "But not all of us are Hercules, you know, able to down 12,000 calories a day."
"True." He rubbed his broad chest happily. "It's good to be a guy."
She found her gaze on that big hand, the chest beneath it. His fingernails were clean, flat ovals. At the opening of his Henley, the skin was the brown of good wheat bread, very smooth. Absurdly, richly, she imagined her mouth on that sleek triangle of skin.
Lost in a spell of newborn desire, she raised her eyes and found him looking back at her.
In that second, the thickness bloomed around them again. An atmosphere as humid as a cloud, fragrant with possibility. The only thing in the world for a moment was Josh. The lavishly fringed eyes, his quirky mouth, those giant hands that she'd seen could be so gentle.
He leaned forward and put the crackers down, and carefully brushed his fingers clean. Lacing his hands together, he leaned on his knees, putting his face much closer to hers. "Is it my imagination," he said, "or is there something clicking here between us?"
"Clicking is not the right word," Juliet said quietly. Blooming, maybe. She looked at his mouth, and could not even remember when she had so longed for a kiss. His mouth entirely filled her vision—full lower lip, sharply cut upper. Black whiskers, a few millimeters long, grew around his mouth in a sparse goatee shape, and it occurred to her that he probably didn't grow much beard.
"It isn't your imagination," she said, and swallowed.
"That's what I thought," he said, the voice rumbling out of that deep chest with the depth of a drum. His nostrils flared as he looked at her mouth, at her breasts, which pearled embarrassingly, back to her face, all without touching her. "Probably shouldn't do anything about it, though."
"I'm engaged," she offered.
"So you said." He moved one hand and touched her diamond, just the ring, then the knuckle right above it. "There's more though. You have something in your past."
Juliet swallowed. "Yes."
"And so do I."
"Oh." She looked at him. "What do you have?" Then she waved a hand. "Never mind. You've given me privacy. I'll give you yours."
"It's all right—mine is pretty common. An ex-wife who is unstable and dramatic and kidnapped my daughter."
"I'm so sorry. That's why you're worried about Glory."
"That's right."
She loved the simple straightforwardness of him, the way he met her eyes, the directness of his speech. He was real in a way she hadn't encountered in a long time. In L.A., everybody seemed to feel a need to play to the audience. Not this one.
Honestly, what was this? This narcotic spell he cast? Would he kiss her? Would she let him?
"I can be strong, Princess," he said, "but not if you keep looking at me like that."
"Sorry." With effort, she stood up and walked away. Shaking her head, she turned, donning her lawyer self. "Let's just not do that. Too much going on."
"Agreed. Come eat your crackers and cheese."
She sat back down. "Is it all right if I ask what happened to your ex?"
"It's fine. Nobody knows where she is." He cleared his throat. "Unfortunately, she's an alcoholic and doesn't seem to want to get help, so she's just out there."
"I'm sorry. That's hard."
"It is. And it's especially hard for Glory, who loves her."
Juliet settled a slice of cheese precisely on a single grainy cracker, and balanced it in her fingers. "I assume she was not an alcoholic when you met her."
"Right."
"So, what did the two of you give each other?" She got ready to bite the cracker. "Was it love or need or—what? Why did you fall in love?"
"Hmm." He gave her a look. "Right for the heart of things, huh?"
She shrugged. "You don't have to answer. I'm just thinking about these things."
"What things?"
"Love things." She took a bite of her sandwich.
"Love things," he repeated, and took a breath, looking into the middle distance. "Andy—my ex—is very beautiful. I was just getting out of the army in Colorado Springs and I met her at a nightclub. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Glory looks just like her."
Juliet was surprised to note a ripple of jealousy, which she hoped she was hiding.
Josh went on. "She was Indian—Sioux and Cherokee—and proud of it. She was—" he frowned "—somebody I could bring home to my mom, you know? An Indian woman who wouldn't mind the rez. She was a shawl dancer, and had beaded her own moccasins and—" He rubbed his face. "It seems kind of shallow now, but I thought that's what I should want."
She wondered what he wanted when he wasn't following shoulds, but she said only, "Ah. And what did she get from you?"
"I don't really know."
Juliet had a lot of experience with people who didn't particularly know the truth, those who were hiding it, and those who had hidden it from themselves. She smiled gently. "Yes, you do."
For a moment he looked at her. "Yeah, I guess I do. I offered stability. She'd spent her childhood moving around. She liked the fact that I already had a job lined up here as a tribal cop, that we'd have a whole community she could just plug into."
"So what happened?"
"It bored her to tears." He grinned. "It is a very slow, quiet place in a lot of ways. She'd spent her whole life in cities, and didn't know how much she'd hate the way everyone knows your business, all that stuff."
"I get it." It was a common enough story. She took a sip of beer, dared herself to ask the other question. "So what do you like about women that you don't feel you should?"
"Blondes," he said distinctly. "And lots of cleavage."
Juliet laughed. "Very original."
"Not at all." Rakishly, he raised his beer to her. "To you, Princess."
Heat ran across her cheekbones and the bridge of her nose. "Thanks."
"What about you," he asked. "What do you like that you shouldn't?"
"Other than being wildly attracted to a man who is not my fiancé, you mean?"
"Wildly, huh?"
A knock came at the door, and Juliet frowned, worried it would awaken Glory from her nap. Josh jumped up and hurried to open it.
Desi stood there, fuming. "You know what he did now?" she said, coming into the room.
Juliet put a finger to her lips. "Glory is asleep, sis."
"Sorry." She made a low growling noise, put her face in her hands. "He's just making me so crazy I can't stand it."
Josh rubbed her shoulder. "What happened, Desi?"
"He agreed to sell the land to a developer. His half! What the heck does that mean, his half? He also is threatening to get an injunction to keep me from operating the wolf shelter until the land dispute is settled."
"Did you see him?"
She slumped in the chair, stared at the crackers. "No, he called me. He said it looks bad for his business to have a restraining order, and if I wanted to get nasty, that's what he'd have to do."
"So he hasn't actually done anything about it yet," Juliet said.
"I don't know what he's done." She picked up a piece of cheese, examining it as if she'd found it in the Dumpster instead of on a tray in her best friend's living room. Her face brightened. "But I also heard that there are some other people who aren't too happy with old Claude."
"Gossip," Juliet said. "Always good. Who is it?"
"Kay Turner, the dentist's wife—you saw her this morning—is widely known to have a crush on him. And she's very put out that he's dating Miss Ski Queen of the World."
"But she's married!"
Desi waggled her eyebrows. "I gather her husband's none too happy with any of it, but what can he do?"
Josh scowled. "This is a mess. I want you to just go home tonight and forget about all of it, oka
y?"
Looking deflated, Desi nodded. "I will."
"Promise?"
"That's what I'm here for," Juliet said. "To make sure she doesn't do anything rash."
"Good," he said. But he didn't look particularly comforted.
As they were getting ready to leave, he touched her shoulder lightly. "I'll be thinking about what you said."
She met his eyes, conscious of Desi's close interest. "Me, too," she said.
"You guys stay out of town for a day or two, huh?"
Juliet nodded. "Will do."
"I'll be by tomorrow to check on her."
There was nothing else to do. Juliet followed her sister down the sidewalk to the truck, feeling his gaze touching her back, her hair, her neck. When she climbed in the front seat and closed the door, she looked back and saw him still watching, his face sober.
She raised a hand and resolutely turned her face away.
* * *
Chapter 7
« ^ »
When they got to the cabin, Desi said, "Let's get some wine and go up to the hot springs. That'll burn off some stress."
"It's getting dark, though."
Desi gave her a half smile. "It's not very far, Juliet. There's a trail the entire way. We have flashlights."
"But what about … animals? Like bears and cougars?"
"We'll bring the dogs. Trust me, this is a wonderful thing, these hot springs at night."
"Okay."
Dusk was closing in as they hiked up the hill, carrying thick towels and flashlights and cans of natural soda Desi fished out of the cupboard. At the clearing where the pool bubbled up, Desi dropped her things and stripped off her shirt, then her jeans, folding them neatly and putting them on a rock nearby.
Juliet had done this before, soaked naked in the hot springs with her sister, but it suddenly seemed unwise. Foolish, even. She stood there, hands at her sides, unable to move. Her eye twitched, once. Twice. The smell of earth and minerals rose up from the water, and in the growing dusk, she could see steam rising from the surface.
"C'mon, silly," Desi said, reaching for the straps on her bra.
"I don't think I can this time," Juliet said. "I feel weird about being naked outside."
Desi didn't say anything for a minute, but Juliet felt her measuring eyes. "It won't hurt anything to leave on our bras and panties if that's easier for you."
"I should have brought a bathing suit," Juliet said. "But Colorado, winter, just didn't think I'd need one."
"No big deal. I'm cold, though, so I'm getting in." She stepped into the pool, then submerged and gave a groan. "Oh that's good. C'mon, girl. Climb in."
Juliet shucked her coat and blouse and jeans, hungry for the feel of the water. For a minute, she wished she could be naked, but she decided to not beat herself up about it just this minute, and climbed in. As the hot, scented water enveloped her limbs, she groaned. "This is fantastic!"
There were ledges at various levels, formed cleverly with flat rocks when they built the pool, and Juliet chose one and leaned back, closing her eyes. "It's like having your own spa," Juliet said.
"It is my own private spa," Desi said. "The good mud pools are by the wolf kennels, but I'll show you those, too."
"I know women who would pay a lot of money for this."
"Oh, trust me, one of the developers who wants the land is a guy who wants to do just that. Put in a spa."
"It would make a fortune, Desi."
"That's not what I'm about."
"Well, of course not, but there's nothing wrong with money, is there?"
"No. I just don't think that every square inch of the earth needs to be developed. It's important to keep some of it wild."
"You're right," Juliet said. "Pass me a soda, will you?"
"Absolutely." Desi snapped it open and handed it across the water.
Juliet took a long, cooling swallow, then settled the can on the edge of the pool and let herself slide down further into the water, tipping her head back to rest it against a grassy pillow so she could gaze up at the sky. It had gone velvety with black night, and the darkness glittered with a million zillion stars. The sight made all of her issues and problems seem very, very small.
Desi asked gently, "What happened to you outside the restaurant this morning, honey?"
Because of the big sky and the uncountable stars, Juliet could answer without too much pain in her chest, "Flashback. They keep happening, and I never quite know what will trigger them."
Desi splashed, sitting up. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"There's nothing to tell, really." Juliet let her arms and hands float in the water, free and loose, as if they were not attached to her at all. "They just kind of show up now and then."
"That must be hell. And what an awful sister I am to need you to take care of me when I should be taking care of you."
Juliet, soft boiled and relaxed, shook her head dreamily. "No, don't worry. My counselor said they'll go away eventually."
"What triggered it today?"
"Maybe the doorway. Or maybe the smell of margaritas. I don't know. It's hard, because then I'm not me, standing there, I'm the me I was that night when I got raped."
"I hate him," Desi said fervently. "I'd like to kill that guy."
"Desi!" Juliet sat up. "That's not who you are."
"Oh, yes it is," she said. "Hurt one of mine, and you are dead." She peered through the dark at her sister. "You don't want to hurt him in revenge?"
"I don't even feel that much for him. I just don't care." It was as if there was a wall around the whole miserable incident. "It's like it happened to somebody on television or something, and I can replay it with the sound turned down, but why would I?"
"You know, it doesn't seem to me that you've ever gotten angry over all of this. If I were you, I'd be furious."
"I'm not."
But as if her body and her mind were expressing different things, Juliet felt her throat close, as if there was a scream lodged inside it and she couldn't seem to get it out. Taking a sip of her mandarin lime soda, she said, "I just wish they would have caught him. I hate it that he got away with it."
"Yeah. And he's probably doing it again."
The idea made Juliet feel sick to her stomach. "Don't even say that."
"Sorry." Desi leaned back and tipped her head toward the sky. "Look at those stars, will you?"
Juliet tipped backward, again, too. Between the shadow arrows of pines, she admired a night sky wholly unlike the one she knew at home. This one was deepest black, with no gray or pink on the horizon, and across it were thousands and thousands of twinkling points of light, tiny pinpricks to glowing planets, close and far. At home she could only see a few.
It made space seem incomprehensibly vast, and by comparison, her own problems seemed very small. "I'm so glad to be here, Des," she commented, and rolled the cool can over her forehead.
"I'm glad, too," Desi said. "I was losing it."
In the soft dark, Juliet asked, "Desi, what happened with you two? You used to be so in love."
Desi sighed. "It was never what you thought it was, Juliet." Her voice sounded unbearably weary. "We just got locked into some dance and we couldn't stop."
"Like Mother and Daddy."
"Yes." She took a sip of her own soda. "It doesn't thrill me to say that, I can tell you, but I pretty much reproduced their relationship to a T. The brainy female scientist and the dashing upstart artist."
"Good grief. I never saw that before."
"You're kidding. I saw it years ago, but as I said, we were locked in this dance, and it was very difficult to get out of it once we started."
Juliet thought of the women she worked with, the sorrow in their haggard faces as they spoke of husbands, boyfriends, brothers. "At least you're done now. Or will be soon."
"I know." She was silent for a long time. "I feel like a fool, Juliet. I really do. I'm smart and well-educated and our parents showed us how destructive this kind of union can be, a
nd yet—I did it anyway. I fell for the myth."
"What myth?"
"Oh, I don't know. The fairy tale, I guess. I'm just so angry with him right now!"
"He's behaving badly, sis. You have a right to be angry."
Desi sat up suddenly. "You know, we should get a car from a junkyard and beat the hell out of it with sledgehammers."
Juliet laughed, envisioning the pair of them in old jeans and tattered flannel shirts swinging sledgehammers to the sound of some twangy music. "Or we could try out for roller derby."
"I'm serious. It would be a lot healthier than pretending you're not absolutely furious."
Juliet said, "I'll think about it."
But she didn't see how swinging a hammer at an inanimate object would help, either. It wouldn't give her back her innocence. Anger wouldn't give her back a sense of courage.
* * *
They got back to the cabin around eight, and not long afterward, Desi got a phone call. The way she started barking questions about blood flow and gashes, it sounded like she was dealing with a wounded animal. As she talked, she was taking out warm clothes—jeans, thick socks, sturdy boots.
Juliet busied herself stoking the fire. There was an art to building a good fire—something Claude had taught her back in the old days when he had been a nice person. This one still had embers, so Juliet layered in some medium-sized sticks and thinner kindling and waited for them to catch before she carefully added two logs about the width of her thigh.
Behind her, Desi barked out, "How long ago?" and then, "Where did you see him?"
Desi had a bellows she'd found at an antique fair once, and Juliet used them to fan the flames, watching as they turned bright yellow and started to crackle.
Desi hung up by snapping her cell phone in half. "I'm going to have to take off for a little while, sis. Emergency."
Juliet rocked back on her heels and rested her hands on her thighs. A slight sense of disease rippled down her spine, but she said, "Okay."
"Are you going to be all right?"
"Desi, I'm thirty-two years old. I think I can handle a few hours by myself."
The elder sister smiled ruefully. "Sorry. Maybe I'm projecting. I'm worried about my own ability to cope. You're doing fine." She dressed in the layers of warm clothes, and put on some boots. She attached her replacement cell phone to a clip on her belt. "If you need me, feel nervous, even just want a little reassurance, don't hesitate to call, all right?"