Her Secret Thrill

by Donna Kauffman

  “Take your clothes off for me, Natalie. I want you to feel me against you.”

  Her pupils shot wide, and he did see the pulse leap in her throat as she scrambled back and undressed for him.

  “Now, come sit on the side of the bed again. And bring those beads.”

  She shuddered with pleasure, and he felt it ripple over him, as well. He only hoped he lasted long enough to do what he wanted to do. He moved between her legs again, rubbing against her until her hips began to move.

  “Help me take these off.”

  She lifted trembling hands to his hips and with torturous slowness, peeled his briefs from his body until he could kick them away. The feel of the humid air caressing him made him twitch with pleasure.

  “I think I deserve some beads, don’t you?”

  She nodded, still squirming as he moved up tight between her legs again, brushing her but not entering her. It was all he could do not to push her back and crawl up and into her. His own pulse was thundering now.

  He reached out and toyed with one of the two strands she’d put back around her neck, twirling the emerald-green beads between his fingers. He pushed harder against her as he rolled the strand first over one nipple, then the next.

  She gasped, the moan deep in her throat, and he couldn’t help it, he entered her, hard and swift. She screamed with it, immediately pushing her hips against him and tucking her legs around him to keep him from withdrawing. “No, don’t. Dear God.”

  He pushed back into her, hard, and groaned himself. “Hold me, then,” he said roughly, and his knees buckled when she squeezed tightly around him. “Dear God is right,” he managed to say.

  Her head dropped back as she leaned back on her elbows and arched against him. Her position pushed her breasts up toward him, and he took full advantage, rolling the beads again and again across her nipples until she was writhing and groaning, her eyes shut against the waves of pleasure he could feel rumbling through her.

  He tugged on the beads then, until she sat up.

  “Wrap your legs tighter around me.”

  She did, and with one arm around her back, he hoisted them both onto the bed, at the same time moving deeper inside her. They both trembled, and he couldn’t stop himself from pushing her back into the mattress and letting his body take what it so badly wanted. She met him thrust for thrust, and he could feel himself losing the battle of control. But he wasn’t done yet, dammit.

  It took all he had to move out of her and slide down her body. He pushed her back when she sat up in protest. “Grab the headboard.”

  She looked down to where he’d slid between her legs.

  “Trust me,” he said.

  She smiled then, and his heart turned completely over. Where would he ever find such a true match for him? Would he ever trust anyone as he did her, or be trusted as fully as he was with her? Again he shoved that aside as she laid back down and tucked her hands beneath the base of the headboard.

  He climbed up her body and slipped the strand of violet beads over her head, then slid them the length of her body. He slithered them around her breasts, dragging them over her nipples, then let their coolness pool on her belly before slowly, so slowly dragging them downward. Brushing one bead after another between her legs.

  “Keep your hips still.”

  “I can’t,” she moaned.

  “Try.”

  She ground her teeth on a long, low growl. But that was quickly followed by an even deeper growl of satisfaction when he lightly brushed the beads over her wet, waiting cleft. She screamed in her throat and she fought to keep her hips from thrashing, when he lowered his mouth over the beads and manipulated them directly on her swollen clitoris—until finally she lost the battle and screamed as she climaxed.

  He let the beads slide to the bed as he climbed up her body, his tongue following the opposite path the beads had traveled moments before, until he was at her neck.

  “Let go of the headboard and grab my hips, Natalie,” he murmured into her ear.

  She all but clawed him to her, which was good because he felt every bit as primal.

  When he entered her this time, there was no gentleness in either of them. She commanded every bit as much force as he could give. He was surprised the bed didn’t splinter beneath the fury of their lovemaking. She climaxed again before he finally went screaming over the edge himself.

  I love you, Natalie.

  The words had been so loud, so clearly spoken in his mind, that, for a moment, he thought he’d said them out loud. In fact, he wasn’t sure how he could have kept them locked in a moment longer. But he managed, somehow. If he ever said the words to her, it would not be in the heat of lovemaking, even lovemaking as powerful as what he discovered every time they were together.

  No, he wanted her to hear the words clearly, to understand how deeply he felt them and would always feel them, even if she did walk away from him. He understood her dilemma and honestly had no idea, given his current life and career, and her situation with family, how they’d make it work. Maybe she was right, and it would only lead to heartache and frustration. Maybe it was best to walk away when it was still perfect and beautiful. Maybe there would come a point in the future when they could meet again and make it work.

  And maybe he would have to realize that he couldn’t have everything he wanted, no matter how badly he wanted it.

  He pulled her to him and kissed her as he stroked her hair. She nestled against him, against his still-pounding heart. He felt her relax, felt her fall asleep with the drumming of his heart beneath her ear. His eyes burned, and his heart squeezed. There had to be a way, dammit. He just had to find it.

  When sleep finally claimed him, the solution was still beyond his grasp.

  17

  MORNING CAME far too soon. Natalie kept her eyes closed, hoping she could stay afloat in her dreamworld. A world that had her and Jake staying together for eternity.

  But that wasn’t going to happen. She opened her eyes. The room was still dark, even though a quick glance at the bedside clock told her it was well after daybreak. A deep rumbling sound shook the balcony doors, and she realized what had woken her up.

  “Wonderful,” she muttered. A thunderstorm.

  Well, she supposed it was only fitting that the weather match her mood. She rolled gently to her side and looked at Jake, willing her heart not to ache. How am I supposed to say goodbye to you?

  She’d woken up at some point in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. She’d been wrapped tightly in Jake’s arms and found herself wondering how she’d ever slept alone. That thought, and the realization that sleeping alone was going to be that much harder now, had propelled her up. She’d closed the balcony doors; then, rather than sliding right back into bed, she had leaned against them and watched him sleep in the waning moonlight.

  He was the proverbial right man at the wrong time. She’d spent the next hour watching him and trying to figure out how to make things work between them. But she had no idea how long she’d be staying with her father. She’d even briefly thought about giving in the rest of the way and going to work for the family. Perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad, maybe she would find her niche there.

  But she knew that wouldn’t be the case. Even if her father allowed her to work her way up, earn her place in the legal echelons of Holcomb Industries, her brother was not going to be an easy man to work with, and she shuddered to think of having to get involved in all the company politics. There were politics enough where she worked now, but at least they weren’t tangled with family responsibilities and expectations.

  No. Working for her father was not what she wanted. But what if Maxwell & Graham wasn’t what she really wanted, either? What if clawing only led to more clawing? Is that what she wanted? She loved law, she knew that much, but why had she decided on the big firm partnership? Because it was prestigious and because she would be respected for working there. Respected by whom?

  And that was when things had all fallen into p
lace.

  She’d crawled back into bed and laid staring at the ceiling. She’d chosen Maxwell & Graham to impress her father. To prove to him that she could make it on her own in a big city with a big firm. He’d have to respect that, right? And for what? So he’d finally be forced to admit she didn’t need him?

  She’d laid next to Jake, his heat and vibrancy filling the room even when he was asleep, and cried silent tears. How stupid had she been? And why had it taken her so long to figure it out? She shifted closer to Jake, feeling the solid strength of him next to her. Maybe because she’d never had a reason to question her choices. Until now.

  So now what? She’d already come to the conclusion that moving home for good wasn’t the answer. She would have to get over needing her father’s approval. It wasn’t going to happen, and she wasn’t going to continue living her life for him. It amazed her to realize that even in leaving supposedly to live her own life, her choices had been dictated by him, or by her relationship with him. If she hadn’t been so stunned by the revelation, she’d have been furious with herself for not seeing it sooner.

  Liza had been right: he was proud of her, of her success and her determination. She did have that, even if he wasn’t happy with how she’d achieved it. And that would have to be enough. Because she was finished choosing her goals to prove something to others. It was time for her to figure out what she wanted. For herself.

  And it shocked her to realize that she had no idea.

  Now, in the gray light of dawn, she simply felt lost.

  Jake was there beside her, his muscular body so tempting. But she knew she was going to have to figure out on her own what was next for her. And even that would have to wait until her father was well on the road to recovery. She’d stand by him, but she was also going to have a talk with him, explain herself, and let him and her family know that while she loved them and appreciated that they thought they knew what was best for her, she was going to have to find out on her own what made her happy. She only hoped they loved her enough to let her do just that, without censure or inducement of guilt.

  She smiled for the first time in hours, even though her eyes burned. Yeah, that was going to happen. She knew her family too well and doubted they’d change, no matter how gently she explained herself to them. But she’d just have to live with that, too. She hadn’t come this far in life because she caved when the going got rough. She just wished she had a clue where in the hell she was going.

  Jake’s hand searched her out, pulling her close as the thunder shook the dawn skies again. He was still asleep, and it made her weepy again to realize that he’d reached for her so naturally. She went willingly into his arms, and when his body grew more aroused at the contact and he finally woke, she closed her mind to everything and reveled in the slow, sweet lovemaking they shared while the lightning and thunder shook the windowpanes.

  And afterward, when he was asleep again, she dressed and wrote him a note. She knew she should have been a bigger person and said her goodbyes directly to him. But in the end she simply wasn’t strong enough.

  Dear Jake, I can’t even begin to describe what you’ve come to mean to me. If I were at another time and place in my life, I’d pursue this…thing we share with all my heart and determination. But we’re both heading in such different directions—it simply wouldn’t be fair to either of us to take this on as well. I will never forget you. You’ll always be my secret thrill. Yours, Natalie.

  At the door she paused to look back at him, tears falling. “I love you,” she whispered, then closed the door behind her before she lost what little nerve she had left.

  JAKE SWORE and barely resisted crumpling the note in his hands. The storm was over outside but it had only begun inside. He couldn’t believe she’d left him sleeping! He’d never asked her if she had reservations anywhere or what airline she’d taken, so he had no way of finding her. But he knew her final destination: Connecticut.

  The phone rang and he pounced on it. “Natalie, thank God.”

  “Uh, no, this is your father. Who’s Natalie?”

  Jake almost heard his father’s grin, but wasn’t in the mood. “Sorry. What did you want?”

  There was a pause. Jake knew his father didn’t appreciate the abruptness, but it was the best he could do at the moment.

  “Well. I’ve been waiting a long time for this moment,” he said quietly, the gentle humor still evident in his voice.

  Surprised, Jake was at a loss how to respond. “What are you talking about?” He blew out a long breath. “Listen, I’m sorry for the way I answered the phone. It’s…personal. But I know I’ve got meetings this afternoon and evening, and I’m on top of things.”

  His father actually chuckled. “Not from what I’m hearing in your voice. And I’m not talking about business,” he added. “That’s one area I’ve never had to worry about.”

  Jake actually felt his cheeks heat up. He and his dad had had many a frank conversation in their lives, but he couldn’t recall women ever being the subject. “Dad, you don’t have anything to worry about now, either. Trust me. I’ll…handle it.” He couldn’t even sound convincing to his own ears.

  “You know, just because I’m an old married man doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate how difficult relationships can be. In fact, because I am an old married man, I probably have more experience in that area than most.”

  “You and Mom are perfect together.”

  “And if you think it’s been easy staying that way for over forty years, think again. Nothing worth having comes easy. And nothing has been more worth having than the life I’ve spent with your mother.”

  Jake paused and let the wisdom of his father’s words sink in. “Even if it makes you question everything else about your life?” The words were out before he realized it.

  There was a pause on the other end, and Jake wanted to kick himself. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. Hell, he’d just discovered the only woman he’d ever loved had walked, without giving him a chance to— What? What else could he have done?

  “So, that serious, huh? But then, I think I got that from the way you answered the phone.”

  “Dad, listen—”

  “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here. Okay? The reason I called you is that I need some help.”

  Jake sighed in relief. “Sure, what can I do for you?”

  “Jim called this week. He’s going to retire.”

  Jim Mulligan was their majordomo at the Double L and had been for as long as Jake could remember. It shouldn’t have come as such a shock; Jim was certainly well past the age of retirement. But it was impossible to think of the Double L without him.

  “He’s certainly earned it,” Jake said, at a loss to sum up his feelings.

  “I know, son. I know. But that leaves us with the task of replacing him. I’d like you to come out and help me interview new managers and foremen. With your mom and me spending as much time in Arizona as we are now, we’re not going to be at the ranch much. So, I’m thinking of splitting up the job, making it a bit easier to manage.”

  “I’d be glad to, but shouldn’t Tom be the one to help with this?”

  “Jim will be there, as will I. But you know as well as I do that Tom has no real interest in the Double L. Neither do Steve or Julie. They’re sentimental about the place, they were born and raised there, but it’s your opinion and advice I’m asking for now.”

  Jake didn’t know what to say. He’d never made a secret of his attachment to the ranch, but this still came as a surprise. And an honor. “I’ve got a number of meetings scheduled this week and that St. Louis deal to contend with, but I should be able to clear up a day next—”

  “No can do. I need you out here by Tuesday.”

  That was only three days away. “I’m not sure I can reschedule—”

  “So don’t. Delegate, boy. That’s the beauty of having people work for you.”

  “But they’re still in training.”

  His father merely snorted. �
��Every one of those men and women was already primed for this job. All they need is the documentation and your position on the situation, and you can cut them loose. Best way to deal with things is to get in and get your fingernails dirty.”

  “But—”

  “If something goes wrong, they’ll know where to reach you.” He chuckled. “You’re so like your mother. It’s taken me forty years to finally get her to relax and let go a little. I don’t know why I think I could make it happen any faster with you.” Then his tone sobered. “One thing I’ve tried to instill in all of you is the secret of true success. If you don’t enjoy the process, then the reward is worthless. Because it’s the process of the achievement that is its own goal.”

  “I think we’ve all lived by that. We all enjoy working for the company and take a great deal of pride in its success.”

  “Don’t confuse success with fulfillment.”

  Jake shook his head. “I don’t think I have.”

  “Perhaps. But goals can change, fulfillment can be found doing many things. Don’t be afraid of acknowledging that. Pride should be about fulfillment. Lord knows, I’ve always been proud of you— Now, I’ve got to run. Your mother wants me to go to some civic luncheon thing she’s set up. All a bunch of women—I have no idea why I need to be there. Anyway, we’ll talk more when you get to the Double L. I’ll be flying in on Mon day.” He paused, then added, “And bring this Natalie if you’d like. I don’t know the situation between you two, but if some time alone would help, she’s more than welcome.”

  Jake was still trying to understand what his father was trying to tell him. Natalie’s name popping up only added to his confusion. “Uh, thanks, Dad. But I don’t think she’ll be coming with me. I appreciate it, though. Give my love to Mom. And behave yourself at the luncheon. I’m sure being in a room full of women won’t be too much of a hardship on you.”

  “You haven’t met this crew,” his dad replied, laughing, then said his goodbyes and hung up.