“I’m feeling there’s some communication problems here.” I said, he smiled.
“I’ll fix that.” He replied, I looked at him, watched him go to move into me, so I moved my head back.
“You don’t even know me.” I whispered, he shrugged.
“I’ll get to know you.” He whispered back.
“And if there’s something you don’t like?” I asked, he frowned.
“Like what?” He asked, I shrugged. “I mean, I’d be a bit sad if there was a hunky boyfriend back home.” He said, I grinned, “or, if Morgan was wrong and you were actually…” He began then gasped, “straight.”
“No.” I replied, shaking my head dramatically.
“There is nothing off the top of my head I can think of that stops me wanting to kiss you.”
“We’ve known each other three days. I’m not Snow White.”
He grinned, it was obviously amused.
“Longer than a Tinder date.” He replied, I looked away from him. “Was that insensitive?” He said, “did someone you love meet on Tinder, did it not end well?” He asked, I couldn’t control the laughter that followed.
“You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for.” I said.
“I’ll take the risk.” He replied, so I looked at him, “really.” He added, before warily moving his head forward again.
“Really?” I replied, he nodded.
“Really.” He said, he smiled at me then kissed me, and I let him.
⚫⚫⚫
I’d barely put the contents from my locker into my bag when Mickey appeared, he seemed quite happy with himself as he hovered behind me, I ignored him until I zipped up my bag.
“Bad IT lesson?” He asked, I shook my head then smiled at him.
“Quite the opposite actually. Maths?”
“Numbers.” He replied, I laughed, “come on, Morgan promised to take me out for lunch.” He said then grabbed my arm, pulling me so I’d walk with him, which I did, letting him drag me to the common room where Morgan was stood packing his own bag.
“I didn’t forget.” He said simply, “but I do need to go to the toilet.” He added, Mickey nodded quite thoughtfully.
“Not a bad shout actually.” He said, tightening his grip on my arm again and walking me towards the corridor of toilets. I stopped him when we reached them, I watched as he bounced back, he turned and frowned at me.
“Go on. I’ll wait.” I said, shaking my wrist so he’d let go, he didn’t seem to get that hint.
“Don’t be daft.” He said laughing, I shook my head, “or do you know something I don’t.”
“No.” I said, trying to sound amused, I wasn’t sure it worked as he frowned at me.
“Casey.” He said.
“Go on, otherwise Morgan will be done and you’ll be dancing and we’ll be late for dinner.” I said, he let go of my wrist, and squeezed my hand.
“Okay?” He asked, I nodded so he let go of my hand, pushing open the door to the boys, standing back as Morgan came out, he also frowned at me, although it dropped when I looked back at him.
“Is he your boyfriend yet? It is agonizing?” He said, I laughed although it sounded a little sickly.
“How agonizing do you think it is for me?” I replied, he nodded amused.
“True, true but you don’t have to endure the late-night messages.” He said,
“What a mean best friend.” I said, Morgan grinned.
“I’ve got to embarrass him. It’s in my job description.” He said, “where are we going to eat? Let’s not give him the choice, because it’ll be McDonalds.” He said.
“That’s not too bad.”
“Oh Casey! You’re meant to be on my side.” He stated, as Mickey reappeared, fastening his pants.
“NO! Casey’s on my side.” He stated then went to hold my wrist again, I moved my hand away.
“Did you wash your hands?” I said, Morgan laughed as Mickey pouted at me.
Morgan was watching me during business, he'd write something then he'd look at me in thought. I wasn't sure if it was because I was in his line of sight, but he definitely kept looking at me.
"Do I have something on my face? Or do you want to ask me something?" I asked once our teacher let us pack away, he sighed.
"I have something I want to ask you." He said, and my heart jumped up into my throat. Shit. "Why are you panicking?"
"I am not panicking." But I am a liar, my hair was sweating I was panicking that much. "What do you want to ask?" I asked, "what? What? What? Do you want to ask?" I stuttered, so he took my hand and lead me to the common room, then locked us both in the disabled toilet.
"Casey, you need to calm down." He said, I nodded, "I just had a question."
"What question?" I repeated, sounding angry rather than panicked, but I guess angry was better than panicked in some warped messed up world.
"All I was going to ask was why you got jumpy near the boy’s bathroom? That was all." He said, I looked at him. "Are you okay?" He asked, I shook my head.
"Morgan, can I confide in you?" I asked, "with no judgement, no nothing?"
"No judgement." He replied, so I nodded walking backwards until I hit the wall then slid down it, not caring what was on the floor or what could have been on the floor, my legs just gave way. "Casey."
"I'm transgender." I said a little bit too easily, his legs must have given up as well as he soon joined me on the floor.
"Run that one pass me again." He said.
"I'm transgender, female to male. I, I moved here to get my surgery done, the rest of my surgery done, I didn't plan on telling anyone."
"Why are you telling me?"
"I trust you." I whispered, "I thought I was better at hiding my emotion than I obviously am. It almost made me feel sick from fear going into the boy’s bathroom, I would kill to be able to walk in there one day and not worry about being looked at or being whispered about. I can't do that yet; I can't even stand to pee yet." I said then covered my face, "sorry, TMI."
"Are you on testosterone?" Morgan asked, I nodded.
"Really?" He seemed intrigued.
"Yeah, since I was sixteen. Weekly injection."
"So, you've practically completed puberty." He said, I shrugged at him, "and you're getting bottom surgery?" He asked, I nodded.
"Why do you know so much?"
"Facebook." He said quietly then shrugged, "it interested me, it was like two am and I just kept clicking on links, I was interested."
"So will I become your test subject?"
"No, you're my friend." He said, I smiled. "Although, I might ask one or two questions." He added, I nodded.
"I accept that." I replied, "and I welcome questions." I added, George had told me I should accept questions how else would people learn - apparently. "Can I ask you a question?" I said, he nodded, "how do you think Mickey will take it?" I asked, he met my eyes, I didn't like the feeling I got from his look.
"I honestly don't know." He said, "we never talk about gay stuff, he's the straightest gay guy I've ever met. He doesn't like the politics of it." He continued then cringed, "Casey, can we go for lunch instead of sitting on a toilet floor?" He asked, I nodded, whilst cringing myself, it had just occurred to me what could be on the floor. It took until we got out of school for me to ask.
"What politics?"
"Rights, equality, you know, he's not too bothered about all that. All he says is he wants to sleep with guys and that's all it means for him to be gay." He said then shrugged, "like I said, straightest gay guy ever."
"Does that mean he might not accept me?"
"Mickey has his own mind, it's likely he doesn't even know what Trans is."
"That doesn't make me feel any better." I said, so he smiled at me.
“For Mickey, ignorance is bliss.” He said, “he likes you, we can both see that. Is this why you’ve not let him officiate it?” He asked, I took a deep breath out as I nodded.
“I was scared. I didn’t want to tell h
im, whilst also really, really wanting to but I liked him. I liked him so much I didn’t want to scare him off, and I truly thought that this would scare him off.” I said, “plus it’s been a week.”
“Mickey moves quickly.” He said shaking his head, “he knows what he likes, what he wants and he once he knows for sure, will go after it until he succeeds or-”
“Fails.” I said, he nodded.
“You like him?” He asked, I nodded back, “don’t let him fail. Tell him, make sure you actually tell him about yourself then he can make up his own mind, but don’t strike it off without even knowing. He was really worried about you last night; he didn’t even know why but he just kept asking me what could have possibly have scared you.”
“Scared.” I repeated, “he could tell I was scared?”
“You looked terrified Casey.” He said.
“I’ll talk to him.” I said quietly, “if he doesn’t like me after it.” I began, he shook his head. “No, no Morgan, if he doesn’t like me after it, will you still be my friend?”
“Of course.” He said, “but I will punch him if he has a bad reaction.” He said, I laughed which made him smile. “Have you met Mr Elliot yet?” He asked, I shook my head, “he might be worth having a chat with, before Mickey, if you’re wary.”
“I have a therapist.” I said, he hummed.
“Yeah but Mr Elliot’s just a teacher, and he seems to care. A lot. He’d probably just give you advice instead of analysis you.” He said, I nodded.
“It could be worth it.” I agreed, he smiled.
⚫⚫⚫
My testosterone injections are the main reason that Abi is not allowed in my room without permission. As she was only one when I was put on puberty blockers, she has only ever known me as her brother and the fact that I have a weekly injection has never been made known to her because really, it doesn't need to be made known to her.
Whenever I was getting my injection, I spent the entire night in my bedroom, from the moment I got home from school, Mum would then bring up my tea and do my injection for me.
"So, honestly, how is school?" She asked, whilst building the needle as I changed into a pair of shorts.
"I actually really like it." I said, "like no one gives me funny looks, there's no whispers, I'm just a new kid." I said, she smiled then made me jump as she wiped a cold cotton bud against my thigh.
"And your friends?"
"Morgan is amazing, he's clever but shy about it." I said, she continued to smile.
"And Mickey?"
"I think Mickey likes me." I said, she seemed intrigued, "I don't know, but I just get that kind of vibe from him." I said,
"Do you like him?" She asked, so I looked at her, seeing her take the lid off the needle.
"I think I actually do." I said, "I'm sorry." I added, she frowned, "now, I'm like officially gay." I said, it made her laugh.
"Oh don't worry about that. I'm more interested in the fact that you like someone."
"I'm a little scared. I will have to tell him," I said then met my Mum’s eyes, "and I do need to tell him."
"True." She said then jabbed me, I looked from the needle in my thigh to her, "sorry." She added, sounding far too amused.
"Mum, I have boy troubles. Go on, it's your time to shine." I said, she laughed and hit me with her other hand.
"Cheeky." She stated then withdrew the needle, "I guess, if you like him and he likes you there's no reason you can't act upon it." She said.
"I'm trans." I said, she shrugged then disposed of the needle.
"And your point is?"
"He'll be expecting a penis." I said, and heard how sadly I had said it.
"First: he shouldn't be in your pants this quickly." She stated, I almost laughed, "second: in two months..."
"I know." I said, "I know." I repeated, just a bit softer, "I guess I'll keep you updated." I said then sighed.
"I want regular updates." She ordered, "now eat, before you lose your appetite." She said, I nodded and began picking at the chips. "And don't worry about it. You'll know if Mickey's worth your time." She said then smiled at me, so I tried to smile back.
"I do think he's worth my time." I said then dipped a chip in the provided ketchup. "Maybe I just wait two months before making a move."
"Sweetheart, I'll be impressed if you make it to two months without making a move." She said then patted my shoulder. "If you need me through the night, call me."
"I will." I said then actually smiled at her, getting one straight back.
I hesitated before knocking on Mr Elliot’s door, he welcomed me in almost instantly, I took a deep breath then opened the door, I stopped and looked at the wall display in his classroom. It filled the entire back wall, a simple blackboard with colour exploding out of it.
A big LGBT flag was hung on the board and other sexuality flags hung around it with definitions underneath, there were quotes and celebrity pictures, mostly gay celebrities.
“Casey?” He asked, I nodded and turned to look at him.
“Yes, hello. Sorry, I got distracted by your wall.” I said, he laughed and stood, coming to stand in front of me.
“I like to make a point.” He said smiling, I tilted my head. “LGBT coordinator.” He said, I began nodding.
“That makes sense.” I said, we looked at each other.
“Morgan suggested I talk to you, hearing your title it makes more sense.”
“Do you want to take a seat?” He asked, I nodded, “coffee?”
“What?”
“Sixth form student.” He replied, as he turned on a kettle in the corner of his room.
“I shouldn’t really.” I said, he nodded.
“Do you mind if I do?”
“Go ahead.” I replied then sat on the seat he nodded to.
“So, why did you want to come and see me?” He asked, as we both watched the kettle boil, you could see straight through it, I waited until it began bubbling to talk.
“I’m transgender.” I said, he raised a curious eyebrow at me. “I’m trying to keep it quiet, I hope you appreciate, I genuinely just have exams left before I leave education, so there’s no need to draw any attention to myself but Morgan suggest I come and see you because I need to tell my potential… boyfriend that I am trans.” I said, he nodded as he poured the boiling water into his mug, he stirred the milk in then came and sat opposite me.
“You’re here for advice?”
“In absence of a better word.” I said, he smiled. “I don’t know, I haven’t really come out before and I wish I didn’t have to but I know he needs to know, for obvious reasons.”
“Looking at this from what I presume is your point of view,” He said, I hummed, “you’re scared he’ll be disappointed.”
“Yes.” I said sighing, “which sucks.”
“Do you like him?”
“Yes.”
“Does he like you?”
“I like to think so.” I replied, he smiled.
“Then from a completely gay point of view, you should just tell him because you obviously want to, especially as you’re stressing yourself out about it.” He said, I sighed. “I’d like to talk to you more though. If you don’t mind.”
“As long as it stays between us.”
“Of course.” He said, then he shook his head, “of course Casey.” He said, I smiled at him.
“So, what does an LGBT coordinator do around here?”
⚧
7 Weeks to Go
I will kill myself if I ever get a period.
That was the sentence that made my Dad take what was happening seriously. I was eleven and three months old when I said that, and up until that point I'd been told 'it's just a phase' and 'she's just a tomboy', both always made me angry.
I had anger therapy before I got gender therapy.
When I was eleven and two months old, I woke up one morning and my chest had begun to grow, I noticed the moment I woke up and I cried. I cried from when I noticed until I threw up fr
om all the crying at four o'clock that afternoon, only after I'd thrown up and been put to bed with a wet flannel on my forehead did I manage to tell my Mum what had upset me so much.
When I finally fell asleep she called a doctor. I had a therapy session with my now therapist George a month later. The sentence that made my dad take it seriously, was one of the first things I ever said to George. After that first meeting, he decided I needed at least two therapy sessions a week and one had to be with my parents.
I think they took the sessions harder and needed the therapy more than me, I also think they got a whole lot more out of it than I did.
It took six months of therapy for me to be put on puberty blockers, I remember I cried on that day, but only tears of happiness. The puberty blockers did what they said on the tin, they stopped puberty so I didn't go through either, until everyone around me believed I was completely sure of my life choice. I was put on testosterone on my sixteenth birthday. I cried that day too, Mum thought she'd jabbed the needle in too hard.
It took five years for me to start the right puberty, in those five years, I had two sessions a week with George and I started going to school as a boy. I did that in Year Eight, it didn't go down too well with the students at least, so I stopped doing PE and I stopped making friends.
I begged the teachers to tell me where the disabled toilets were, which they did after a bathroom lock down that ended with me almost wetting myself because neither the boys nor girls thought I was enough of either sex to use their bathroom.
My old school had that problem, they accepted that I was transgender but wanted to prove that it didn't matter, so treated me no differently, when really, I think I needed to be treated differently, to ensure I was treated equally.
I'd have done anything to have a safe haven to hide away in when things got too hard.
I got my top surgery done the summer I was sixteen, a few months after being put on T, it was a simple procedure, they removed the minimal breast tissue I had and made me completely flat chested whilst also making me far happier.
The conversation about bottom surgery followed soon after, I was given a choice: either we spend the thousands of pounds on the surgery or we spend one hundred on a pseudo penis. I wanted the surgery, no questions asked, we started saving money for it the next week. After that came the applying, we had to apply and apply and apply. I had to be eighteen for the surgery and a doctor had to be satisfied that I truly wanted the surgery, I turned eighteen five months ago.
Casey Page 2