“I’m stealth to her.” I said, he hummed, “I’d started transitioning before she was born, to her I’ve always been a boy.”
“That’s quite nice.” He said, I nodded. “Did you figure out this boyfriend of yours?”
“He’s a really good kisser.” I said sighing, Milo laughed. “I like him, he seems quite secure, he didn’t laugh when I told him my T makes me so, so very horny.”
“My boyfriend practically pissed himself when I told him that.” He said, I smiled, “he seems nice. If we ever have a ‘bring your partner’ to group day I’d quite like to meet him.”
“Please, I want to meet your boyfriend, especially given he’s a drag queen.” I said, Milo grinned, I smiled back.
“He’s not always in drag.”
“I don’t care, he is a drag queen that is enough for me.” I said, he laughed.
“Tea?” Kieran asked, we both looked at him.
“Can I have a coffee? Or is that not on the menu?” I asked, Kieran laughed.
“Yeah you can have a coffee.” He said nodding.
“Two sugars please.” I said, Kieran nodded to me.
“I’ll have tea.” Milo said, Kieran smiled then went into the kitchen.
“Hello.” I said sounding obviously a little too confused, Mickey grinned.
“I went to your house.” He said, I smiled, “I wanted to surprise you, your Mum said that you were here, so… Surprise.” He said, I laughed.
“Keep him.” Kieran said as he walked past me, I almost blushed but nodded.
“See you next week Kieran.” I said, he nodded as he took Riley’s hand and walked away with him.
“Would you like to come back to my house?” Mickey asked, I smiled, “I asked your Mum she said you could sleepover.” He said happily, I nodded.
“Yeah, can we get some food first though, I’m hungry.” I said.
“Yes! Good plan.” He replied, so I walked to him, “is everyone in that group, like you?” He asked quietly, I nodded.
“It’s a trans support group.” I said, he nodded slowly.
“And they I’ve all got their surgery?”
“Not quite, some have only just come out, some have had surgery, some aren’t having surgery, some are only just getting T.” I said then glanced at him as he nodded.
“Cool.” He said softly as he opened the door to the fast food restaurant we had been walking towards.
I glanced up and saw Mickey watching me, so I blushed whilst resting my pants on my hips.
"Take a seat." He said, lifting his duvet, so I did, almost instantly snuggling into his bed, he smiled then lay opposite me.
"I like your bed," I said, he laughed.
"Why?"
"It's warm, big and you're in it." I said, so he grinned then kissed me, as I moved closer to him.
"What do you like?"
"Dinosaurs." I said, he grinned.
"I like trains."
"I like night time." I said then felt it necessary to explain myself, “it's just peaceful and dark."
"I like Australia."
"I like water."
"I like the beach."
"I like space." He said, I went to move back as I was practically stuck to his side. "Like the solar system." He added, quickly, I laughed.
"I like reptiles."
"I like campfires."
"I like dancing."
"I like new shoes."
"I like warm hugs."
"I like you."
"I like you."
"What about things you don't like?" He asked, tilting his head lightly, so I hummed.
"I don't like the colour pink."
"I don't like ice cream."
"I don't like you no more." I said, so he blew a raspberry on my neck, making me laugh. "Okay, I do, I do."
"I don't like seven am."
"I don't like the way I look." I said, he met my eyes.
"I like the way you look." He replied, I smiled lightly.
"Maybe you're straight." I said, he laughed.
"Oh be quiet." He replied then moved my hair out of my eyes. "Why don't you like how you look?"
"Do I have to spell it out?" I asked, he tilted his head slightly.
"You don't have to tell me." He said, whilst resting his hand on my neck, stroking my chin with his thumb.
"Basically," I said, he nodded, "I'm too much girl, not enough boy. Right now." I said, he nodded slightly.
"I like you just the way you are." He said then stopped me from arguing, "But if you need to change to be happier, I will not complain and I will not tell you that you need to stay like you are." He said, I almost groaned.
"Why are you so perfect?" I asked, he shook his head.
"I am not." He replied then laughed, "I've been having internal freak outs for weeks." He said, I smiled, "some external."
"Well, you're perfect when it counts."
"That's something." He said, I nodded.
"Freak outs about?"
"Everything." He replied then shook his head, "you don't want to know, it'll just unnecessarily upset you."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because it will. Either I'll phrase something wrong, or you'll mishear and we'll have this big unnecessary fight." He declared; I rolled my eyes.
“Give me more credit.” I said, he sighed.
“I did a lot of Googling after you told me, which I shouldn’t have, I should have just asked you but I feared that because I liked you, I wasn’t gay which sent me into a wormhole on the internet but, yeah, so gay.” He said, I almost laughed. “I was just… I don’t know, I just didn’t understand much and it can be quite unnerving when you don’t have a clue.”
“I thought ignorance was bliss?”
“So did I.” He said sighing, I bit my lip. “What you said about the boys in group? Some won’t have surgery?”
“No, some trans people don’t need the surgeries, they’re happy with their body. I have almost painful dysphoria about my below the waist body parts, whereas my friend, Milo got bottom surgery but wasn’t too badly dysphoric about it, but needed top surgery.”
“That makes sense.” He said nodding then stroked down my chest. “Do you ever not want to talk about trans stuff?”
“You have no idea,” I replied, he smiled lightly.
“Okay, well we start our exams next week, which I’m not really looking forward too.”
“I’m not really looking forward to our exams I must admit.” I said, he laughed,
“I could have moved here and left school. I’m eighteen I could have just gone fuck it.”
“You’d have never met me.”
“If it’s destiny I would have in the end.” I replied, he laughed, I grinned back.
Mickey’s Mum made us some breakfast, and told us very loudly that she had in fact made us some breakfast, so we went downstairs. His Mum appeared nice, she smiled at me as I came into the kitchen and didn’t at all look old enough to have a seventeen year old son, but the amount Mickey resembled her was almost outstanding.
“So this is Casey.” She said, we both nodded back to her. “He will not stop talking about you.” She stated, I smiled. “He just goes on, and on and on.”
“Don’t you have something, anything you should be doing?” Mickey asked, she laughed.
“You stayed the night?” She asked, I nodded.
“I think I’m starting to like Mickey’s bed more than mine.” I replied, she raised her eyebrow at Mickey as he laughed.
“My bed is comfortable.” He said simply, before eating the bacon sandwich, so I also did, although was very aware of his Mum watching me until she left the room.
“What have I done?” I asked, Mickey smirked whilst shaking his head.
“Nothing, she’s just confused as she didn’t hear… bed springs last night.” He said, I almost choked on the piece of bacon.
“Do you bed spring often?” I asked, he looked down. “Mickey!” I stated, he laughed.
“I’ve bed sprung before.�
� He said quietly, I frowned at him. “With other boyfriends, a few times admittedly.”
“Oh.” I said, he laughed very lightly, “are you disappointed you can’t bed spring with me? Yet?”
“No.” He replied very softly, so I looked at him, “I’m not just out to get in your pants, honestly. I was with those I sprung the bed with a long time, longer than we’ve been together for sure.”
“Because I’m not easy.” I said, he began laughing shaking his head.
“You’re like a bloody Rubik’s cube.” He said, I grinned.
“And proud.” I replied then shrunk back into my seat as his Mum came back into the kitchen, she left again quite quickly although she did smirk at Mickey before she did. “I’m such a virgin, you know that?”
“I know that.” He said nodding, “I’m not, you understand that?” He asked, I nodded back slowly. “Is that a problem?”
“No.” I whispered then looked at him, “Nice to know one of us will know what they’re doing.” I said, he winked.
⚧
5 Weeks to Go
"So, how much of the summer do you get?" Mickey asked, I frowned at him but still didn't look up from my business folder.
"All of it, I hope." I replied, he scoffed.
"No, I mean how much do you get that you'll actually be able to do summer things?" He asked, I looked at him, he looked as if the pen in his hand was one of the most interesting things ever.
"You mean how long will I be in hospital?" I asked, he nodded. "Hospital, a week. Ten days at most. The accommodation a month maybe, but I'm not imprisoned, I can go and see the sun." I said, he laughed.
"But what if it just falls off?" He asked, I looked at him, stared at him until he looked back at me, which he finally did.
"What?"
"It won't be stuck on with glue, it won't fall off." I said, he laughed more happily. "Or does yours regularly fall off?"
"Oh yeah, my doctor said not to worry about it." He said, I grinned at him. "You go in the day after your business exam, don't you?" He asked, I nodded.
"For a consultation meeting then George will have a session with me and the next morning I'll be put under and… penis." I said then looked down because stupid grin alert.
"Wow." He said then shook his head. "It is amazing, like, really." He said, "and it'll make you happy?"
"It'll make me happy." I replied, "like the day I was put on T, which continues to be one of the best days of my life. I just cried." I said, he laughed.
"All your stories have a member of your family crying at some point." Mickey said.
"We're an emotional family. Deal with it." I replied, he laughed.
“Morgan!” He practically hollered, Morgan sighed so I waved. “You’ve revised for long enough without us, now come and share your Irish tones with us.” He said, Morgan laughed.
“Do you have plans for summer?” I asked, he nodded.
“I’m going back to Ireland for a week or two when we finish exams, then I guess I’m getting a job.” He said, I looked at Mickey as he scoffed.
“Boring.” We said together, he smiled.
“Well I don’t want to be the third wheel when you get your new toy.”
“My new toy will be extremely delicate.” I said, Morgan laughed.
“I’ve got Health and Social this afternoon.” Mickey said, looking at the clock.
“Well good luck Mickey.” Morgan said, “I have English.” He said.
“Oh! And I get to go home.” I said, Mickey kicked me under the table.
“Ow.” I said dramatically, they both laughed.
“Go home and revise then.” Morgan said, I moaned at him for probably longer than necessary.
My father is an understanding man, he's fair, he's kind and he's accepting, we just don't get along. Well actually, that's not true, we just bump heads. I was never 'daddy's little girl', then I was never 'my father’s son', we don't have many mutual interests and my loathing for his side of the family probably doesn't help. But he has always been understanding, always accepted and always tried, even if sometimes things got too weird for him.
"Where is that sister of yours?" He asked, popping his head around my bedroom door.
"I don't know." I replied slowly.
"She's seven!"
"You're supposed to be eyes and ears on the seven year old." I replied, he laughed.
"Well crap, this is why I work, in work I can't be blamed for losing the seven year old." He said then disappeared around my door, closing it over. "Found her!" I heard shouted, I laughed. "Casey!" Followed, I didn't answer as I knew, he'd know I heard him. "We're going to the park."
"Have fun!" I replied, ensuring he heard the sarcasm.
"Collective we're." He said, I groaned loudly.
"Caseeeyyyyy!" Was followed, sang by Abi, "Commeee ooonnn." Her song continued, so I laughed and moved, slipping my Chucks on then stomping down the stairs, seeing my dad knelt before Abi, fastening her bicycle helmet as she held onto the handle bars of her bright pink bike.
"I'm not riding a bike." I said then hummed, "I can't ride a bike." I said thoughtfully.
"Yes, you can." Dad stated, "and you're not." He said then wheeled Abi's bike out of the front door, she followed.
"I swear I cannot ride a bike."
"You can, I taught you." Dad said, whilst shutting the door behind us. "Long days in the park they were." He added as we began walking behind Abi who was riding her bike in an S shape.
"I don't even remember having a bike." I said, he laughed.
"It was a Hot Wheels bike, we took you to the bike shop and you were attached to it, it had streamers on the handles, a bell and looked like it was on fire." He said, I laughed too. "It took about four months before you could ride without stabilizers that was an amazing day." He said, I looked at him, "it was." He said amused, I smiled then looked ahead at Abi who'd stopped right at the end of the street, holding onto her brakes as tightly as she could.
"I remember having a helmet that looked like it was on fire." I said, "and I had a skateboard."
"That skateboard almost broke my neck." He stated, "when you left it right at the bottom of the stairs."
"Is that when you wore the wrist brace thing and wouldn't tell me how you'd done it." I said, he began laughing.
"Yes! I was too proud to admit I almost killed myself on your skateboard."
"You're too slow!" Abi shouted over her shoulder, "HURRY up!" She stated, we kind of did, until Dad could touch her on the shoulder, which meant she could cycle ahead.
"Your skateboard was like those other toys you had, they were round and spiky, I swear most of your childhood possessions were out to kill me." He said.
"Whereas Abi's are?" I queried.
"Out to beautify me." He said then nodded, "this is what having children does." He stated, I laughed. Abi had free rein once we got to the park, she could go as far and as fast as she liked, so she did, Dad and I chose to stick to the footpath and a moderate stroll.
"So, how are the exams going?" He queried, I shrugged at him then looked up blinding myself with the sun.
"Okay, I guess, I think I will do well in my English and I've probably done okay in my IT, just my business one I'm a bit worried about." I said then laughed, "and I'm not worried I'll fail it, I'm just anxious."
"With the timing?" He asked, I nodded.
"You practically aced your GCSEs." He said, I hummed at him.
"I got two A's." I replied.
"And the rest were C's, so you passed all." He said, "you know what you get doesn't matter right?" He asked, I nodded.
"I know but it'd be nice to pass." I said, he laughed.
"Well, true." He said then smiled at me, so I looked towards Abi as she cycled in a waving line, she looked over her shoulder every now and again to check we were still walking behind her. “You have group tonight?” He asked, I nodded slowly.
“Yeah. Four more groups until I go into hospital.” I said smiling slightly, he nodd
ed, squeezing my shoulder then continuing to walk.
⚫⚫⚫
“Okay?” Morgan asked, I frowned at him whilst turning to him.
“No.” I said softly, he tilted his head at me as he sat on the seat opposite, “I feel like I’m being watched. Which could be paranoia but…” I said, Morgan looked over my head.
“Them?”
“Yes.” I said slowly, he frowned. “Morgan does anyone know?”
“I didn’t out you.”
“I didn’t ask that.” I replied, he looked back at me.
“Not that I know, I can’t imagine how anyone would ever find out.” He whispered, I nodded then shook my head.
“Paranoia.” I said.
“Ask Mickey.” He said, I frowned.
“Mickey wouldn’t have outed me.”
“No but he might have heard whispers.” He said, I sighed.
“For fuck’s sake.” I said as I stood, I saw as he almost laughed, so I looked at him smiling at him before leaving the common room.
“Question.” I said as Mickey left his maths class, he frowned at me as he walked to his locker.
“Go for it.”
“Are people whispering about me?” I asked, he turned to look at me as he unlocked his locker.
“I haven’t heard anything.” He said, “are you worried?”
“Wary.” I replied, “people seem to be looking at me, or do I have something on my face?”
“No, you’re safe.” He said then shook his head, “I don’t know. If I hear anything though.”
“I’m sure you’ll give them hell.” I said, he nodded.
“I’ve got to go the toilet, so I’ll meet you in the common room? Yeah?” He said, I nodded.
“Thank you.” I whispered, he grinned.
“We will succeed one day, you’ll come into the boy’s bathroom and act like a boss.” He said, I shook my head although I smiled.
“Just not today.” I replied, he nodded then walked with me to the common room, going down the corridor to the toilets as I sat back beside Morgan.
“They were looking at you.” He whispered, I looked at him as he turned the pages in his revision book. “They followed you all the way out then began whispering. They just followed you back in and well…” He said, I turned my head to see the little group whispering together.
“Great. Just what I need.” I said, Morgan nodded,
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