“Of course.” I replied.
“Now talk to me as if I’m your therapist.” He said, I looked down.
“I felt terrible, like it really upset me, which is why I punched him because I just couldn’t believe he’d said it, neither Mickey nor Morgan were with me and I don’t think if they were, I’d have done any different. I got a flash of my old anger.”
“Oh?” He said, I nodded.
I used to be very angry when I was eleven, twelve, at the very, very beginning of my transition because no one would listen to me. It made me angry that my school at the time insisted I was still female and it made me angry that no one understood me. They enrolled me into anger therapy first when I was ten, I still sometimes believe that’s the only reason I got gender therapy in the end. Although admittedly, I quite enjoyed being let loose on a load of soft toys to let out my anger.
I still got angry, I’d never deny that there was still anger in me, unresolved anger from being ignored for two, three years at the beginning of my transition but it only occasionally sparked out.
“First time in a while.” I said quietly, he nodded.
Kieran: Heard what happened in school. Come for a drink? K.
I did go to the bar that was suggested, seeing Kieran, Riley and Milo sat around a little table with four pints in front of them, I took a seat behind the empty one.
“How did you find out?” I asked.
“Luke’s little brother is in your year.” Kieran said, “he told Luke that the trans guy punched someone and got suspended.”
“I wasn’t suspended.” I said.
“But you did punch someone, tell me more please.” Milo said, I smiled at him very lightly then looked at the pint, I took a very deep breath in before taking a sip out of it.
“I thought you were stealth?” Riley said.
“I was.” I whispered, they all cringed lightly. “Mr Elliot helped.” I added.
“Yes, that man was my saviour too!” Kieran said, I frowned, “he didn’t know I was trans, granted, he just thought I was a lesbian,” he whispered, “but my god he saved me.”
“I used to love that man.” Milo said, I smiled at him. “I went through school one hundred percent stealth, there was no doubt from anyone that I was male, but he was still my favourite teacher and sometimes I considered telling him because I felt like he’d be a good teacher to have on my side.” He said.
“We agreed for me to go on study leave, to just return for my exams.”
“Is that what you want?” Riley asked, I nodded.
“I think so,” I replied, they nodded to me, I took another sip from the pint. “Where’s Kaiden and Luke?”
“Luke’s with his therapist.” Kieran said, I nodded, “He sent me a text signed it with, take him for a pint, I would but therapy.” He said, I laughed, “Kai?” He asked, Riley shrugged.
“T.” Milo said, I looked at him, “He’s gone to Doctor Knight to get his patch prescription, I think he’ll join us.” He said.
“Right.” I said nodding.
“And obviously, Ashley and Jesse are babies and can’t drink yet.” Kieran said, I smiled.
“And Harvey doesn’t like to drink socially.” Milo said then laughed and drank his own pint.
“We left Ashley with Jesse; you know.” Riley said, Kieran shook his head.
“They’re babies they don’t do anything!” Kieran stated.
“You are deluded.” Milo stated, Kieran scoffed.
“If they’re living under my roof.”
“Excuse me, my roof.” Riley said, we all giggled.
“Our roof, they are innocent babies.” He stated.
“I think you need to drink more.” Milo said, “and you need to tell us what actually happened.” He added, I nodded took a huge gulp out of the pint and began to tell them.
⚧
4 Weeks to Go
Abi collided with me as I reached the top of the stairs, she literally walked straight into me, almost knocking me back down the stairs due to her being stupidly tall, like, she was already up to my elbow at SEVEN! I know I'm not exactly tall, but I'm sure she should be smaller.
"Ew! Big brother germs." She said, holding her hands up at me and pulling her tongue to make the point, so I attacked her, grabbing her around her waist and chucking her over my shoulder, hearing her scream of horror and amusement. "CASE-Y!" She howled at me, whilst punching my back. "CASEY! Casey!" She screamed, so I put her back on her feet, getting almost instantly punched, her aiming for a 'ball shot' and not succeeding, so I grabbed her arms, holding them together and pulling her towards me. "WHERE IS YOUR WEAK SPOT?!" She howled at me, so I began laughing.
"CASEY!" Mum, she was stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at the two of us, although she could probably only see Abi's trapped arms.
"Yes?" I asked, she tilted her head at me.
"Apparently, I have big brother germs." I said, she laughed.
"I'm sure you do." She replied. "Release your sister, before you get little sister germs." She stated, so I let go, but caught her before she lost her balance. "Now, wash up for dinner." She continued, "your Dad will be home in five minutes." She said then walked away, I looked at Abi getting pulled tongues as a reply, before she squealed and ran away. “Mickey coming this afternoon?” Mum asked, once I’d come down the stairs and began to set the table.
“After tea.” I said, she nodded, “is he okay to stay over?”
“Are you asking me this, after telling him he is staying over? Or are you asking for the first time?”
“For the first time.” I said, “honestly.” I added.
“Yes.” She said curiously, I looked back at her, as we stood either end of the table.
“Really?”
“You’re eighteen Casey.” She said, I smiled to myself for a moment, “I expect you to behave.” She added, I focused on putting the forks on the table. “You’re still in punishment.” She added, I scoffed.
“George said punishment was counterproductive.” I said, we scowled at each other until she gave.
“Your punishment stands, so Mickey can stay but no playing.”
“Mother.” I said simply as the front door opened, we both looked at my Dad as he came through the door.
“Casey’s boyfriend is staying the night.” She said, Dad nodded.
“Don’t be too loud son.” He said then went up the stairs, I decided to hide behind a tea towel as my Mum laughed quite openly.
“Mr Elliot ripped everyone apart.” Mickey said from my bed as I paced in front of it, “he ensured every member of Sixth Form was in the common room then he let it rip stating how disgusting he thought it was that at our age we couldn’t accept a transgender student.”
“Transgender.” I repeated, he nodded smiling at me. “And?”
“Even Mr Wright didn’t dare interrupt him, when he finished, he just left the room, it was a proper mic drop moment.” He said, I sat opposite him on my bed. “I miss you.”
“Surprisingly I’m getting far more work done.” I said, he grinned.
“Funny, that’s what Morgan said.” He said, I gasped.
“Maybe it’s you that’s the distraction.” I said, he shook his head quite dramatically at me.
“How could it possibly be me?” He said, “I think it’s you. Morgan was an A star student before you started.”
“Sure, blame the trans guy.” I said, he began laughing before knocking me back onto my bed, leaning over me so I couldn’t sit back up.
“I like your distraction.” He whispered, before rubbing his nose against mine, I hummed back at him. “Like, I truly didn’t realise how shit school was before you started.”
“What a nice way to say I love you.” I whispered, he grinned.
“I’m glad you got my hidden message.” He whispered back, I grinned then kissed him, letting my hand slip into his hair as he hugged me tighter until I began giggling. “What?” he whispered, I continued to giggle. “Casey.” He asked, so I m
oved my knee, he understood almost instantly. “Oh. Do you want to stop?”
“On the contrary.” I replied, he grinned.
“Casey.” He said simply, I laughed.
“T.” I replied, because I could use it as an excuse, it was a lie, a big one. I’d had my T on Thursday and proceeded to feel so randy I couldn’t sit still on Friday but it had worn off over the weekend.
“Liar.” He whispered, I gasped back at him then began laughing. “I know when you have your testosterone and I know how it works… now. You’re not T horny, you’re just horny.” He said, I nodded.
“True.” I replied, “can…” I began then took a deep breath. “Can I see it?” I whispered.
“Oh, I’ve been dying for you to ask that.” He said then undid his jeans, wiggling out of them until he was just in his boxers and his t-shirt, “Underneath? In case of parents?”
“Underneath.” I agreed then snuck under with him, he kissed me lightly once we’d made my cover into a den. I grinned at him then nodded as he took his boxers down, I lay and shamelessly stared at him for a little bit then glanced up and laughed nervously.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He said then leant a bit closer to me so he could talk in my ear. “Can you…” He began then hummed, “do you want to touch it?”
“How?” I whispered back, he took my wrist, wrapped my hand around him and began to move it. “Mickey.” I whispered, after watching for a little while, “when I get my penis… and I can get hard.” I said, he nodded as he caught his breath, “can you teach me how to do this… to myself.” I whispered then glanced at him as he moaned, “please.” I added, he began nodding,
“God yes. I most certainly can.” He said quickly, so I kissed him, feeling as he moaned against me then he sighed. I looked down and began giggling again, “Shush Casey.” He said, I smiled before lowering my duvet so I could pass him my packet of tissues.
“I’d like to bring sex to the circle.” I said, the entire circle seemed to get a little bit excited then all looked at Harvey who nodded very slightly. “I really quite enjoy the thought of being intimate with Mickey but I can’t even be intimate with myself. How do you guys do it?” I asked then looked at Kieran, he seemed to be my safety net.
“It helps, with us…” Kieran began then looked at Riley who was just looking back at him, his arms folded and quite an intrigued expression on his face. “…That we know each other’s bodies. I mean, we set ground rules quite early on but because we can sort of appreciate days, I don’t want touching in certain areas or he doesn’t. I understand your hesitation with your boy.” He said.
“I’ve been having sex since I was sixteen.” Milo said, I looked at him, “before surgery too. When I got with Avory, we slept together quite quickly, so he knew what was going on down there and we figured it out quickly, admittedly it was harder figuring out sex when I finally got my penis.”
“So, you let him touch you.”
“Yes, but I didn’t have bottom dysphoria, not really.” He said.
“Okay, but my God I do. And I know you do.” I said to Kieran he nodded, “but as you said, Riley gets it.”
“I do.” Jesse said, so I looked at him, “sometimes it’s actually painful.” He said, “but I’ve figured I can do things and pleasure…” He began then looked at Ashley as he turned bright red, I glanced at Kieran as he whined slightly. “…I can do it and I’m satisfied as well.” He said, I began nodding again, “and I quite enjoy…” He began then waved at me, we all giggled very slightly.
“I do it with my packer.” Luke said, I looked at him.
“Oh yes, we’ve used the packer before too.” Kieran said, I glanced at Ashley as he also nodded.
“My girlfriend says it’s better, she genuinely said to me plastic was better than the real thing.” Luke said then began laughing.
“I used to use my packer.” Kaiden said.
“Does that make me the only virgin here.” I said then sighed, “Woe is me. What do you do now?”
“Well.” Kaiden said then looked at his lap, I smiled.
“And it’s good?”
“It’s good.” Milo said, I looked at Kaiden as he agreed.
“But Casey.” Riley said, so I looked at him, “you shouldn’t do it unless you’re ready to. Sex is never a competition and it’s never a good reason to do it just because everyone else is. I think your boyfriend sounds amazing, I genuinely think he sounds like a really, really decent person and can imagine he’s not exactly bothered that right now you’re not up for sex.” He said, I shook my head softly. “I think Jesse’s on the money, if you can happily do things to him, that’d probably satisfy both of you. For the time being at least.”
“He only speaks once every few months but my God he makes sense when he does.” Ashley said, I laughed.
“What about you two, I mean you’re sixteen?” I said, Ashley went red again.
“I’ve known Jesse since we were eleven, when it came to thinking about sex it was obvious to me that I wanted to do it with Jesse because I trust him and I know he knows my body.”
“That makes sense.” I said.
“Told you, you were deluded.” Milo added, Kieran put his finger up to him, Harvey tutted at him, we all laughed.
“How long after surgery?” I asked.
“Three months thereabouts.” Milo said, “for me anyway and it was a further two, three months before I could top.” He said, I just looked back at him, as did Ashley and Jesse.
“I want a penis.” Jesse moaned; I turned my head to look at him.
“I always thought Ashley would top you.” Kaiden said, Ashley’s face went, if it was possible, even redder.
“I took longer to do it after my surgery.” Kaiden said, “I’ve only just really started having sex again, and it’s almost a year, but Milo has the advantage of a boyfriend.”
“This is true.” Milo said, I laughed.
“Are you okay Ashley?” Kieran asked, Ashley looked up and at him.
“I’m sorry for having sex in your house. A lot.” He said. Riley almost instantly burst out laughing, as Kieran just looked back at him, obviously quite speechless.
“You’re so cool.” Jesse said, Ashley groaned as he hid his face.
“You guys aren’t quiet you know.” Riley said, they both looked at him, “at least we’re considerate and quiet, you might as well scream.” He stated, Ashley hid as the redness returned, Jesse looked quite smug.
“Has anyone else got anything they want to discuss?” Harvey asked, we all looked down, I was grinning because I was ridiculously amused.
“What happened after you punched the transphobe?” Luke asked, so I looked up, “my brother mentioned that they had a lecture about being trans.”
“Yes, and I now study from home.” I said nodding. “Although, am welcome to attend any lesson I wish.” I added, “did he mentioned what was said?”
“I’m lucky he said a sentence to me Casey.” Luke replied, I nodded slightly.
“Fair.”
⚫⚫⚫
Morgan sent me a text suggesting both coffee and revision, so I went because I was beginning to crave company that didn’t include my mother, who was annoyingly keeping a close eye on me as I sat at the kitchen table revising in intervals.
“Thank you for taking me off house arrest.” I said once I found Morgan, he almost instantly began laughing.
“That bad?”
“I’m considering coming back to school.” I said.
“That’d satisfy Mickey far too much.” He said as he opened the door to the coffee shop. He followed me through the till then sat with me on the soft looking, but hard armchairs.
“Can I ask you?” I began, Morgan looked at me frowning at me very lightly, “why did you move over here?” I asked, he looked into his coffee cup.
“My Dad kicked my Mum out.” He said, I frowned, “I was thirteen, I don’t really know the details, not too much, I just know something happened one nig
ht, it was really late and Mum came into my bedroom and got me up, packed up my clothes and some of my things and took my sister and I to my Grandparent’s.” He said then took a sip out of his coffee. “About a week later, Mum took us to the airport and moved us here.”
“Really?” I asked, he nodded.
“Zoey was only five, she had no idea what was going on, and Mum wouldn’t talk to me which in hindsight is good, I don’t want to know.”
“And your Dad?”
“Mum said after you guys left on my birthday actually, now that I was eighteen, if I wanted to find him, she’d understand, he was my dad for thirteen years she’d never deny that or deny me seeing him, but I said I didn’t want to. Granted I miss Ireland, so that’s why I’m going back in the summer, I’m going to see my Grandparents but that’s all.”
“I can’t imagine not having my dad.” I said, he smiled, “and it’s not even that we’re close, because we’re not.”
“It’s quite easy when I was done being thirteen.” He said, “I had a moan when I was fifteen and my voice broke because no one understands me.” He said then laughed.
“As in?”
“As in no one understood the pain and the terror I was going through as an adolescent.”
“Oh, not that no one could understand what you were saying?” I said, he began laughing.
“That too admittedly.” He said, “Mickey told me off and I stopped moping.” He added, I laughed.
“I wouldn’t shut up when my voice broke.” I said, “Which annoyed the hell out of everyone because it kept cracking, but every time it cracked, I got excited.”
“When was it?” He asked, I looked up.
“Seventeen when I’d just turned it or thereabouts, it progressively got deeper obviously from when I got put on T, but it was gradual and I only noticed if I heard my voice played back to me.” I said, Morgan smiled slightly.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Sister, Abigail.” I said nodding, “Abi, she’s the most girly girl I’ve ever known but also the best striker I’ve ever seen.” I said, Morgan laughed.
“Epic.” He said nodding, “Zoey does karate, I tried to avoid her at all costs.” He said dramatically, I smiled. “How old is Abi?”
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