by Diane Munier
We had secrets her and me. What a man and woman could do give them a room where there are no children to watch out for acting like brother and sister most the time, or two saints already shed of the flesh and wearing golden crowns. We were new-married, or nearly, even though we had older children, we had not gone through the years it took to get such, and folks seemed to forget that sometimes, but I had yet to get used to her in my arms and mayhap I would never get used to it, well I didn’t plan to, and how could I seeing she was so all consuming to me.
We would eat in the kitchen as Addie had a bias against formal dining rooms from her time in Richard’s family. I had no such preference as Ma and Pa had but the one table and I often took meals right off the campfire many times in my life a slice of bark for my plate, fingers over forks. So what we had was right fetching the way she had it dressed, that fat long slab of table around which all the family in this neck would gather. It’s like me and her were in harmony about things. I brought in the fiddle, she tuned the strings and it made all the difference. She didn’t think I noticed, but there was nothing she did I didn’t notice. Mayhap I did not say it, not every thing, but I saw and felt proud. Sometimes it was hard to give it the words I know she liked. I did not deny her with intent to wound I just…well I was a mute ass sometimes. But in my mind I was praising her and damn amazed.
But this table dressed with cloth and towels for each one’s hands and pretty leaves all along the middle well she was a woman of uncommon understanding of beauty. This is where Johnny got his eye. This was it. Well I loved her and that I did say. It spilled out, it burst out, it embarrassed me sometimes it came so free and there was no plugging those words.
I was eager for my family to come. I was proud. I wanted to share what Addie and I had with them. Pa had not been able to come too often, and I had been working my breads to a fizzle and I wanted him to see what I’d been doing and that was a fact.
I told Gaylin, I got to carry him on my back he’s coming. So Gaylin bought a new rig. The way it was set up, this rig had two front seats, two in back that faced each other. Pa made the trip in this four seater, his leg stretched some along that back bench.
The greatest surprise was Seth. He did not ride the carriage, but sat on the horse he’d raised from a colt. It was so good to see him and he had filled out over the year, not grown to fat, but more like a man is what I meant. He looked some like me, just some, and I’d never noted such before, well not so prominent. His coat was fine. Damn Cousin. I laughed at myself, I did, but damn Cousin anyway.
Well, Addie flew out of that front door. Seth dismounted and she plowed into him. She did hug him tight enough. It touched my heart to see her so joyful over him. I knew she missed him, he had been such a help to her. He gave her a bottle of wine from Lavinia and Cousin. And so she was obliged to kiss him on the cheek and it made him go all red. It did about the same to me.
After we got everything inside and the womenfolk had coats off and aprons on, we men walked out to the barn. Johnny stayed to mind Janey. Me and Seth helped Pa along and he was interested in everything seemed like, every board and nail, and it gave him the joy I knew it would and it was like a blessing falling on the place on all I’d done and Addie had done, and I stood humble and proud if such a thing.
When Pa grew tired Gaylin took him back inside, and Seth did seem to have something to tell me. He had a habit of drawing close and shifting boot to boot. But now he was different. He got close, but he did not shift. “There is a young lady…she lives in the manse at the school. Well, she would…her father is dean.”
“Whoa!” I said.
“Yes. It seems…and I don’t know how to say this without you thinking I’ve gone off to get full up of myself.”
“Just say it,” I said.
“They make over me there…I think it’s Quinton. He is close to Reverend Benedict. That is where he and Lavinia attend church. And they are generous. I don’t want to think like that, but things come easy to me there and it’s taken adjustment as I have always worked hard.”
I nodded.
“Does she come with the rest of it…or does she choose me for myself? I can’t tell. Her father, Reverend Benedict, he looks for someone to groom….”
“That be you.”
“Yes. And until you see this church…this school…you do not know what I’m saying. It is fine. Gray stone and spires rising like a castle. Years of tradition behind it. The Germans building their idea of heaven, trying to outdo the Italians and the French and me standing in it, Tom. Me. First time I had to get in that pulpit and read the Scripture…I nearly fainted. It’s so high up there. It’s boldness to put a man so high. You could feel it…the longline of black vestments gone before me, all those stern faces saying, ‘You speak for God you better know what you’re talking about son.’ I truly did see black snow over everything I was that close to buckling. Then I got locked there. When it was time to sit down, I had to push off the pulpit a bit to get my legs going again. More than once I thought of packing it in and hitting the train to come home.”
“Like Pa the day he fell out of the wagon…those black spots I mean,” I said, not very helpful I admit. It made me laugh for I could hear how pathetic I was as a comforter. “Look, it was like that when I went into the army. I missed home so bad some days I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t tell the boys, but mayhap they felt sick as me. We didn’t share such.”
He nodded. “I like her…Cinthia…but I’m not sure…I know you struggled over Addie…but it was a different struggle. The knowing was there…am I correct?” Already his speech was changing. Lord, I hoped it was school and not Cousin I was hearing.
“Yes,” I said, “right off it was Addie. None like her.”
“And for Gaylin?”
I saw Gaylin’s face as it had been the night in that saloon looking up at Rosie. “He had it too…right off.”
“Yes…that’s the point then. I do not know if it’s her. I’ve never been…enamored of another. But I am not like you and Gaylin were. Even Allie. Always Jimmy. I’ve been confused.”
“Isn’t there someone close to it you can talk to? Someone who knows both you and her. Mayhap they can see something I don’t know from this vantage.”
“No. It’s a small world there. She is the prize, and I am confounded. If I were to ask this…well the pride in it alone…on my part. I can’t expose her. I can’t make her an object of gossip. I won’t take the slightest chance. She is a very worthy person and Pa and his ‘protect the womenfolk’. It stuck, I guess.”
“Can’t you let it sit? See what happens? Is there a rush of some kind?”
“I try to give it to God. Pray. But nothing seems to change. I feel this pressure…some from myself…but the father…her maybe, definitely Quinton and Lavinia.”
“Those two? You feel a debt?” I said, ire rising in me.
“To Quinton? Certainly. They’ve been so generous. So good to me.”
“You can’t marry the preacher’s daughter to pay the debt,” I said. That I did know.
Gaylin returned then and said, “Addie says to come and carve the meat.”
I slapped my hand against Seth’s shoulder. “You’ll figure it,” I said, and I hoped he would.
When we got to the house, I asked Pa if he would like to carve. He said that if I didn’t mind, he would take his pleasure in seeing the man of the house do the carving. Well, that would be me, seemed, and I wondered how we all got here so quick.
I looked around the table. My Addie. She is the first one I would always see, for all my days. Corner of my eye I saw her…and looked for them. My children. I had children. It still hit me like buckshot. My parents. Pillars to me. Strong and something fragile. Precious either way. Brothers. Strength. Rosie. Well hell. Sister I reckon. Yes.
I carved the meat and Addie handed me one plate after another and I served it. Hand to hand we passed those plates…caring for one another.
Well Pa had passed on carving, and Seth did pass on
praying. He used Pa’s words, man of the house and all. I did not do this, but I did not do a lot of things and then I found myself stepping to them and none of it had killed me.
“Lord,” I said, “time we get to heaven you plan on fixing us a meal. I reckon on this earth…this is the closest we will come to knowing what that will be like. Amen.”
We did eat then and as I took a bite of Johnny’s ham I felt her little foot wrap around my big boot. “Is it good?” she said to me.
And I smiled.
“Well,” she said, “I will tell you all at once…we are to add to our family come spring.”
I left off chewing, heard the clink of my fork on her china and I untangled my foot and dropped to my knees and gathered her in my arms and sobbed before God and family I put my head on her shoulder and said, “Oh…,” for I could get out nothing else but tears of joy.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Thirty-Six
Time was Christmas lit my world afire with a kind of magic. The story of Jesus pointed me to where I already set, my family. Stable made sense to me. Refuge in such seemed right even for the son of God.
I was taught to treasure my kin. I was taught there was no faith apart from how you treated your folks. That the two could not be divided, that if I believed, I showed it in love for my kin, I protected my neighbor, I did my duty.
This Christmas time we spent at Ma and Pa’s was sweet, waking with Addie in that bed too small, the one we was not allowed to consort in when the fire burned between us as it still did so bright and high.
I had to take her there. We were in a time whereby we could love each other without the concern of my seed for it had found the mark. Well I did bury myself in her and it was God and salvation for me, worshipping and soaring. I was a part of everything and everything was alive and death was just that…far away. That’s all.
Oh, her sweetness. “Thank you,” I said, kissing her sweet gasping mouth.
So it was I lie awake, her in my arms asleep, me in my long johns thinking about my life and the long and crooked road that can lead to goodness, and the futility of giving up, and thank God I did not.
Well, that Butter slept in back with Rosie and Gaylin, but it set to howling and then the knocking on the door and it was me up soon as I slid my darling aside.
She mumbled in sleep, “Tom?”
And I could barely take the time to comfort for I grabbed my rifle which leaned beside the door and I went into the great room and my Ma did peer at me from her doorway, and I motioned she stay put.
I cracked that door and there stood a man, I could not see him, did not know the clothes, but knew William, and it was him. He held a small one bundled beyond recognition, and they were crusted over with white for it was swirling out there. Seth had come from the attic and was at my elbow, then searching his boots to see to their horses need be.
I had pulled the door wide and they brought in the cold and the ice on them and I took that freezing bundle against me and set it atop the table and already Ma in her dressing gown was beside and we did pull that icy wool away.
It was a small girl, blonde hair, red cheeks. And William peeling off his gloves, his eyes, well, I seen it all in that glance. “You left your own,” I said.
He did not answer, for I reckon he knew what this would mean.
And Gaylin came first, right off, long johns and britches, boots with no socks for sure, and his coat not buttoned, hat shoved quick and him holding a Revolver. We did not fool around after what we been through. He took it in, saw that one on table. He looked at William and this light came in him, and William said, “Go get her,” and he went back out.
Not a full minute later Rosie was with him, been carried looked like as he kicked that door and was setting her on her feet as it flew open.
She was in a gown like Ma, a robe over. She did not know what to think, her long yellow braid curling on her shoulder like a question mark. But that little one sat quiet on the table, her layers around like a chick peeled out of its egg. They looked at each other. Well she could be Rosie’s blood for all she looked like a miniature.
And Rosie did walk slow and careful to that one. I felt Addie beside me then, and her hands grip my arm, and we stood still as Rosie came to this mite and touched her cheek first and this one did say, “Mama?”
And Rosie whimpered, just a thumbnail of sound, but so deep it curled in my throat it seemed, and this little one reached and Rosie lifted her and set her on her hip and cradled that little head and stepped around the table as we all stayed back and she did go closer to the fire and there they stood, Rosie swaying back and forth as if she heard some music deep inside.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Once you crossed the line around Hillsboro there was always a change in the weather. It’s like that was the mark for true north and things got more frigid. So it was the worst time to be on this train, to travel period. Well, I was traveling with Rosie and Gaylin. Fact was, we had to get to Springfield to sign the papers for Cleata. Cleata was the girl they were fixing to adopt. William had authority to bring her to them, but they had to appear in person at the county clerk’s office to sign. Cleata had come from a judge’s house and he was all for matters legal. He also wanted to make sure this girl did not come back on them as it had been a mess and an embarrassment for him. So here we were traveling in a time when normally we did not. I went along because in my gut and Gaylin’s for that matter…we felt I should.
It had nearly killed Rosie to have to leave that little one so soon, but she had shed her tears and pulled together for she wanted to do this more than anything, make sure this little gal was hers. So we plowed slow on the train as it worked its way through snow many a time and it had been one long trip and us barely past Hillsboro and I didn’t reckon trains would be mine or Gaylin’s favorite method for journey not for all our days, but there we were.
It took us nearly two days on that freezing train to get to Springfield but when we did we found the rooming houses full. Rosie was determined her aunt would shelter us. She marched in there to that desk, the old woman sputtering. “We need a room. Two if possible,” she said.
Finally the old woman found some words, “How dare you flounce in here and demand anything of me.”
“You owe me for wages unpaid. You owe me for more than that you old….”
Gaylin had moved his arm around his wife, but it couldn’t be natural to get so close to her het up as she was. Yet I would do the same for Addie.
Rosie took in a breath. “We are not leaving without a room. We’ll take yours need be. I have told my husband how you treated me. He is not happy.”
I don’t know what that was supposed to do to this woman. Gaylin just stood there looking from his wife to the aunt.
“Your father has disowned you,” she said in triumph.
“As I have him,” Rosie shot back. She broke from Gaylin’s arm and went around the counter and grabbed keys from the hooks.
“You can’t do that,” he aunt yelled. “I have rented those rooms.”
“Then we shall take yours,” Rosie said.
Her aunt tried to snatch the keys from Rosie and a struggle did ensue. It ended when Rosie let her have the keys then smacked her old cheek.
Well, that brought us all to silence. Her aunt stood frozen and staring at her. “How do you like it?” Rosie said.
“You may share the old room you had when I was put upon with you,” she said, a cold and flat note in her.
“We shall need extra blankets for a pallet,” Rosie said. “And I shall get them.”
That is what we did. I had no desire in me to share the small shelter but they did insist and I was too tired to argue. So they crowded onto the bed and I curled on the floor and sleep came to me for the next I knew it was dawn and though the rooster did not crow, feet upon the groaning stairs did, and voices I did not know crowded my ears. It was not my inclination to rest in such a bowl of strangers, so I was up quick and
took myself out.
I walked in search of food. The diner was open and a line waited. I took my place and watched those around me. Thoughts of chow lines hit me, and that time with Johnny in St. Louis and him such a miscreant and me put by.
Gaylin and Rosie appeared some back right about the time I was to be sat. So I told the fellow I would wait until they could sit three and he did say I should give up we would all have to sit among the others so I said to seat that yellow haired lady and he looked back and saw her and had he a hair left on his head his eyebrows would have met such they were so high.
“Bertha?” he whispered, and I thought, oh Lord. “Keep your trap shut,” I told him, but he barely spared me a glance as he went to her on his tiptoes. Well time had not diminished her fame.
He spoke some to her and while she ate Gaylin went and stood behind her. She ordered for two and he stood and ate, watching all around. Well he would know how to do it for that is how they started, so I did not concern myself so much but tried to tuck into my food with concentration for I did not know when I would eat again with things so crowded. I would soon get eatibles in the store mayhap and not have elbows sticking in me from both sides.
We planned to be out of here next morning. Looks like we shared those plans all around. We had secured our passage already, but it would be crowded with many stops due to the heavy skies and we would shovel our way every time that beast stopped on the tracks, but I would welcome it knowing every inch brought me back to Addie. For it had been hard to leave her. It served no good in me to put the miles between us. If I had a goal it was to not be parted from her. But it did no good to argue and complain. I saw the sense in being here. Word was out that Bertha had come home. If there was backlash, it would come soon enough.
Well, Rosie turned heads. That was just the way of it. Didn’t seem to bother Gaylin, well nothing about her did. He had suffered way worse, but then ‘suffered’ is probably not the right word.
So we headed to the courthouse after and they took us into an office upstairs. It was hotter than Hades in there and us so overdressed I could feel sweat rolling.