by Diane Munier
But I would let her hang herself for I would have to live with what I’d do so I needed to be certain.
And long time passed but I was not tempted to sleep. When the rider came I had to move enough and stay still that he did not see me. Well I saw him, about my age he was it seemed, a man at least. I would kill him. I would stop it. Stop her. I let myself feel it, the ready. The willing rage. She stepped out then, called him Tulley before he dismounted. He was off that horse quick when he saw it was her.
She stepped to him, and his hands went to her, and her hand went around his neck, and she was moving, and I was too, closer in.
Before I could reach them he grunted and buckled. Her arm moved and moved and she stabbed him over and over. He had fallen there on the stoop and she bent to stab him some more. He had called her bitch, but he was gasping now, not dead, not living. His horse moved skittish over the yard into the street and stood there reins down.
Rosie looked at him dripping knife in her hand, her heaving white breaths, yellow hair poking crazy from the scarf.
I reached them and she looked quick at me, then back to him. “Will he die?” she said…her breathing…him wheezing as if I’d just come up for a Sunday chat.
“You better hope so,” I said.
Her hands were thick with blood. “I tried. I don’t know…do his kind die?”
I took that sticky slick knife. Dropped to my knees beside. “Look away,” I said, but knew she would not. I stuck him in the neck. He bled out and did choke and I cut quick and strong and he was done.
I got up quick, took my scarf and wiped the blood from the knife and my hands. Then I put that knife in my coat pocket.
“Thank you so much,” she said with crazy heart in it.
I handed her the scarf and while she tried to wipe herself free, I kicked at the tracks around him. I took her arm and careful to stay in the path we’d made already, went into the ruts in the street. We kept moving and thank God the snow kept falling.
She walked with heavy steps. She slid, she stumbled, but I kept pulling her. We got to that first gangway I pulled her through. Next one had a man walking, staggering home it seemed. I shoved her against a wall and covered over her like I was spooning her there. But I was tucking that yellow hair where it could not be noted under the wool of that scarf. I felt her heart beating against mine through all the layers. I listened for that man to pass and God help him if he stopped.
I hated her for this. But I was in the yoke with her now. I was sorry to God and sorry to Addie. But I was a man who did what came. A brute beast need called. A dumb ox.
She still held my scarf and I put it in an iron pot some had made a fire in, shoved it there and kept on going and tugging this Rosie. Some stood near passing the jar and warming themselves, but they did not pay us mind.
We reached back of the inn I checked her over. I expected her eyes to be lifeless or dead, but they were not, they were points of fire just from the moon. I pulled off her coat, turned it inside out and put it back on her. “Go in. Careful what you let Allie see. You don’t leave the room. Not for anything. You or Allie. We will bring food. But be ready to travel quick. Don’t open the door anyone comes. Be ready to leave soon as we show,” I said. “No crying. No fits. You hear me?” I shook her on this.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Go in,” I said.
She looked at me then. “I…stopped him,” she said.
“And I stopped you,” I said angry. “I knew the day you come in my life….”
“Please don’t tell Gaylin. Not here.”
“If it was what I thought when I saw you sneaking in the night….”
She looked at me for a beat, then nodded. “Are you relieved?” she said, some of her pluck at me.
“You damn sure should be,” I said taking her arm to push her inside.
“I wouldn’t do that to him,” she said angry planting her feet.
I had to laugh some. Well, I was tired and drained. “We gonna split hairs over killing and whoring?”
Her head lowered a bit. Mayhap she was capable of shame. “If they come for me…I will not speak your name. I will die with my lips sealed,” she said.
“You are a wife and mother now,” I hissed at her, my grip on her arm too solid. I eased up then. I let her go. “Bertha dies here. It’s her throat I cut, not his.” Snow had gathered on her eyelashes. Her face was red with cold.
Her hand went to her neck and she stared at me. “You hated me since that night. I saw it when you looked up. I knew it. All those admirin’ faces…then you. Hate.”
“Go to bed,” I told her.
“He was a monster,” she whispered. “You should know. I thought he loved me. But one night…there was a room full of men…and he did betray me there and so much time passed…they had drugged me…after a while…I thought I died…but I come to and it was morning. And he talked to me like it was fine…he even showed affection. And after that…well I just went on. I thought I was that. I vied for him and he wouldn’t look at me. So I went on the stage…I thought…and Gaylin,” her face crumpled up but she caught herself and took a breath then puffed it white again and again like she’d run a mile.
“Rosie,” I said, my hand on her softer this time, “go inside. Remember what I said. Stay in that room until we have passage. Go on.”
She looked at me, her teeth chattering. “Do you hate me?” she whispered.
I swallowed now. “No.”
“Will I go to hell?”
“You already been,” I said. “Mayhap it’s time to climb out.”
She laughed some. “You are an uncommon man, Tom Tanner. I am so proud and undeserving to be in your family.”
Yes, I had always thought so…that she was undeserving I meant, not that my uncommonness was good. But standing here looking at her I could see the girl in her, too, and she was a mix for I had seen her worst and she had seen mine.
“You are no less than Allie to me,” I said. Lord help me it was so.
Then I did pull that door and push her inside. Albeit I was gentle.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Thirty-Nine
It took another four days before we got out of Springfield and reached Greenup. We came home on a train burgeoning with weary humanity. Gaylin and me rode in a stinking stock car with freight and others like us--the volunteer muscle for shoveling this beast out should need arise, and it did seven times. We were not inclined to be a part of the melee in any one of the passenger cars and work to do was a blessing.
If the wind were not so frigid I’d a been up top like William chose most times. I used the hours to let myself settle before I saw Addie. Gaylin would catch me looking at him, and I’d think of Rosie wielding that knife…the crazy look in her eyes and I’d think…Lord Almighty what had those men done to her. Well, I don’t know what I looked like sticking his throat. We shared the darkness in a way Gaylin and Addie did not. That is what I guess I always knew.
Time we hit Greenup Allie was barely talking for we had struggled to go those sixty five miles of frozen hell. But she could hate at me all she wanted, it wouldn’t last, and I was not sorry. Well, Rosie was pulled into her woes too, but not so much she didn’t spell Allie with Elizabeth. We were a quiet and determined group and shared concern on Pa, that I knew.
In town young men did parade back and forth on sleds and they did meet the train and for a nickel or just the challenging thrill of it they offered to ride us home on their sleds. Well winter strength did build in the young, mayhap I’d known some of that in Springfield and all along this track, though I was not so young as them, old in their eyes for being a man had settled in me.
Once at our home place I did quickly check on Pa. He was sitting up some, and happy to see us. Allie and Elizabeth particularly and he did cry, well they all did.
Then I saddled a horse and packed my gear and headed off for home. I had been gone too long as it was and could not look on my wife’s face soon enough, not that I deserve
d such a one, such a darling.
Toby did meet me on the road, coming down fierce to warn me off. I spoke to him and he did take the snow in mouthfuls and shake his head with ornery glee and lead me into the barn. I sheltered the horse then grabbed my pack and went for the house. The soft lights were in the kitchen so I went around back.
I dropped my gear in the lean-to and left off my boots. Johnny’s boots were there still wet from chores. I dropped my coat, too, next to his, for I did want to hold them all close.
There sat my Addie at table, the shine on her dark hair and in her eyes for me. Janey was near walking in her gown and wool stockings. She held that doll Rosie made her, one drawn with a pipe in its mouth.
I lifted this one, and she was reared back studying me, sober faced. She was interested in my whiskers, they were uncommon long. She had her baby fingers in them, and I took one hand and kissed its soft sweetness and knew I would keep it that way all my days.
Johnny came around Addie and got me good, him not one to hold back yet, still young that way. He said, Pa, like I was Jesus come again. I got pricked deep feeling these two against me. I felt some hope for myself is what, for love was in me fierce. Johnny ran off to get his sketches and bring me current.
“You have grown your whiskers,” Addie said right off stepping into my arm and letting her hand run over such like Janey. Now I had both of them poking at me. She wore her dressing gown and robe over. It was nearly time for bed. That suited me fine. She smelled so sweet.
“It saved me from frostbite I’m sure,” I said about these whiskers. “Can I still kiss you?”
She put her lips on mine, and I held her to me, Janey pushing us apart and getting her face in there to kiss us both wet and sloppy. We laughed and Addie took her to put her to bed.
Johnny came in then holding a sketch of Addie carrying Janey. They were looking out the window. It was mostly their faces. He had caught this expression in his Ma…this wistful staring off. “While I was gone?” I said.
He nodded eager. “She watches that way…for you,” he said. I saw it then, how it hurt her to be apart…same as me.
Addie called him to bed then. He would show me the rest in the morning.
“You alright?” Addie said threading her fingers through my tangled hair after I came in washed.
“I will be,” I said, my hand on her stomach, the other against her back. For me being alright was the plan…once she was.
With the children abed we were settling into ours. She came into my arms and I held her there. I smoothed my hand over her stomach. I bent and kissed her there. Then I settled her against me and we lie there. She was melting me with her love and warmth. She did not know what it meant. I did not think it possible to ever explain. I said to her, “I missed you fierce.”
“I was so distracted I was worthless,” she said. “Don’t ever leave me again. Promise?” She drew back to look at me and smile. She laughed, and I grinned. I wish I could know I’d never have to leave her.
“Not even to go to Ma’s?” I said.
Well she squeezed me and we stayed that way for a good while. I moved my hands over her, and she did me.
“Something happen?” she said.
I told her some, but not what she asked. That I would hold.
She was happy Allie was near and could not wait to see her and Elizabeth. And the time for talking ceased, and I did pull her to me and kissed her all over. I needed this, and she removed clothing so I could have her beneath me. I got up and built the fire in our room so it glowed with that soft light. I closed the door solid, made sure the curtains were tight. I stripped off my long johns. I let her look at me, for I was looking at her. She was such a beauty I could feel my throat close. I got next to her slow, stretched out.
“Do you forgive me?” I asked.
She looked at me, her eyes lit from the fire. “For what?”
“For all that I am,” I said.
“There is nothing to forgive,” she said.
I let the backs of my fingers linger over her soft skin, her shoulder, her breast.
“Forgive me,” I said soft.
“Did you…did you have an indiscretion?” she said, the worry in her voice.
“No. Never that. Never such. But I need you to tell me if you still want such a one as me.”
“Tom…the love I have for you…it’s a terrible love.” She looked at me with such a pure beauty. She was so accepting of me.
“I don’t deserve it. But I crave it nonetheless.”
“You shall have it…all of me. That’s what you need now.” She kissed me so softly, adoration in her face.
“What could I do that you would not forgive?”
“What have you done?”
“I just need to know,” I said.
“Hurting the children. Abandonment.”
I nodded. “You do not say adultery.”
She rose on her elbows. “You said you could not. You said never.”
“And I meant that. There is no other for me. But…I thought you would say it was the thing you couldn’t forgive.”
“I would not have to forgive it…for you would be dead.”
I laughed then and pulled her against me. “I did so much thinking on the train. I wondered,” I said.
We grew quiet again, until she took over and kissed me once more. And so we fell into it, our easy lovemaking, the thing we were born to do it seemed. And we did raise that roof once we got going. We had not had a time of knowing each other with such ease, and I would never get enough of her soft flesh. When I reached heaven, when I let go and came undone in her, she held me tight, and I said, “Tighter,” and she held me with her arms and legs. And I did feel the light come in, the healing.
“I forgive you,” she whispered. “I forgive you. I forgive you.”
And here she held me and the softness came, in my body and mind same time. And I felt it well in me then, and I told her, barely able to say it, “He’s dying.”
And she did hold me through the night.
Tom Tanner
Chapter Forty
Pa had awakened confused that morning, more-so than usual. Ma sent Gaylin and we had all come. On the way, Addie kept her arm around my back. She was a part of my spine felt like. I was grim.
They’d had the doctor out least once a week, weather allowing such. It was strokes the doctor said. But one of the hands had been sent for him this day and we waited knowing Pa moved beyond us.
Cousin and Lavinia were coming with Seth and William for we had reached decision days back to send that telegram.
One or the other of us sat in the chair by Pa’s bed most the time. It was my turn now.
I did not expect him to talk, for whole days he did not.
“Tom?” I heard him say.
I sat at attention and leaned toward him. “I’m right here, Pa.”
“It weighs on you.”
I did not know what he meant. Well his sickness weighed on me for sure.
“You are my son,” he said.
“Yes sir.”
“Hero.”
Well, if that’s what he needed to think far be it from me to take it. He was a sparrow now, my Pa, his flesh falling away, his nose soft-like and his lips slack when he wasn’t working them into words. A bit of Iris in him now, him looking into that other place. Saw his brothers sometimes and his Ma from Ireland. Saw Garrett.
“Pa…don’t you worry over me. You just rest.”
But he wouldn’t when he got on something. “Tom…you can’t carry it…you have to give over.”
“Pa…I do. I pray some.”
He nodded, but he was looking off, those sunken eyes.
“You ever reckon God gets tired of the same things over and again? Ain’t there a time he says he don’t want to hear it?” I said trying to laugh a little but it weren’t a laughing matter.
Now his bony hand grabbed onto my arm. I was surprised at how strong he was. He lifted himself a bit. “Rosie…told me,” he
said his white hairs standing like feathers.
Well by damn. “About…what?”
“The one you helped her…,” he ran his finger across his neck and laid-back flat, the breath working in him.
This I could not believe, that she would burden my Pa with such.
His shaky hand held my arm strong. “Put what you done on me.”
“I…it can’t be done. And I would die first.”
“If’n it was me come upon…Rosie…mayhap I would a left him there to die…mayhap…turned him into the snow…stood on the back of his neck with my boot. But…I would not have left our Rosie there…to be taken…she has suffered…enough.”
He looked at me, his eyes had gone so pale and milky. “Nor Addie on the porch. Nor Allie…in Springfield. Nor Jimmy…wounded. Nor Gaylin tied for death with that outlaw. Nor William…wandering like a stray. Nor Garrett suffering…on the field of battle. Nor my son…my Tom…in a brickyard far away.”
I had nothing to say, for he was breathy and looking at me, into me.
“Now…we got this Cleata girl…her path rocky folks find she blends…the two. I go to the Maker knowing…she will be cared for…by my sons…by you.” He gripped my hand hard. “You give this to me…everyone…and time comes soon…I’ll give it to God myself. An after I’m gone…you keep on giving it for I am leaving you head of this family.”
“I….”
“In my hand.”
I put my hand in his. “I…give it then, Pa.”
Well he held onto me and me on him. I had his hands, but they were not the same, his, just the bones, mine stained brown from sun and work like his was once…and I loved those hands of his for they had taught me…and I was proud to have them. “Pa,” I said.
He moved some, raised his arm and gripped me hard around my neck and pulled me to him. “I know. I always did,” he said. “My boy.”
And his breath came out in a shudder. And I had my ear over his heart. I could not speak for grief choked me, but I held him as his strength eased and I could feel the life gather itself and run out of him, hear his heart rap against him with the last few knocks, then still and he went soft.