Guarding His Heart

by Synithia Williams

  What was she still doing here? She should have broken this off at the start of the summer. One and done was what they’d agreed to. Just a little bit of fun until they both left town. Instead she’d continued to meet up with him. Continued to accept his phone calls. Continued to believe that the little bones he threw to keep her attached were enough.

  Well, they weren’t. She wasn’t about to find herself looking foolish again. The time had come to take care of herself and get out.

  She pushed the covers back and went into the bathroom. After taking care of her needs, she showered, brushed her teeth and took her insulin. She was stalling, but her foolish heart insisted on it. For a few minutes longer, she wanted to pretend as if she and Kevin were in a real relationship. Not this friends-with-benefits-weekend-booty-call thing they’d started.

  When she entered the kitchen several minutes later, she took a deep breath and prepared to tell Kevin that she wasn’t sure about doing this anymore. She stopped in her tracks and frowned.

  Kevin stood by the sink. An orange prescription bottle in his hand. His face was lined with frustration as he tried, unsuccessfully, to open the top. She’d been on the receiving end of a stubborn medicine bottle before, but Kevin seemed to be going through more than that. His hands looked stiff and awkward.

  “Damn,” he hissed and threw down the bottle. It hit the bottom of the sink in a loud clang.

  Jasmine rushed across the room. “Let me help with that.”

  Kevin jumped and faced her. “You’re up. I made breakfast.” He slid in front of the sink.

  “Kevin, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Coffee?” He avoided eye contact and rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Stop telling me nothing,” she snapped.

  “I got frustrated because I couldn’t get the bottle open. No big deal,” he said.

  “That was more than frustration. Let me help. I can open it for you.” She reached around him for the bottle.

  Kevin turned and snatched it up before she could get to it, but he moved too fast and the bottle slipped out of his hands. It hit the floor and slid away from him.

  “You know what,” she said, throwing her hands up. “Fine. You want to shut me out. I’ll make it easy for you. I’m leaving.” She turned to stalk back to the bedroom.

  “Jasmine, I can’t open the bottle.”

  She spun back to face him. “I think I saw that.”

  He ran a hand over his face. “No. I can’t open it. My hands won’t let me.” The frustration was back in his voice. Frustration, anger, defeat.

  Jasmine crossed to him. “What do you mean?”

  He leaned back against the sink. “It’s why I’m retiring. The real reason. I’ve had joint pain for years, but I ignored it. Played it off as just collateral damage from years of playing professional ball. When I almost cost us the playoff win, I knew it was more. I’ve got rheumatoid arthritis.”

  Jasmine’s surprise was undercut with clarity. That explained so much. She’d noticed his stiff gait when he walked some times. The way he frowned at his hands whenever he talked about retiring. The reason why he would leave a game he loved so much when he was still young enough to play a few more seasons.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shrugged. “Pride. You met me because I was considered at the top of my game. One of the prime athletes out there. My body is taking that away from me. I didn’t want you to think any less of me.”

  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” she said, putting her hands on her hips.

  His eyes snapped to hers. Surprise was etched into every muscle of his features. “What?”

  “Kevin, I have Type I diabetes. My body fights itself on a daily basis. Don’t you think I would understand?”

  “I’m not who you thought I was.”

  “No, you’re not.” She said shaking her head. “Because I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you would realize that something like this wouldn’t matter to me. I thought you would see that I would still be into you even with what you’re going through.”

  “It isn’t like that.”

  “Yes, it is like that. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like you ever pretended this wasn’t just going to be a superficial relationship. Why tell me the truth when you only planned to sleep with me for a summer and move on?”

  He reached for her. “Jasmine—”

  She stepped back. Turning away, she went to the discarded bottle and picked it up. She twisted open the top. “Don’t try to say something different. We both knew what this was.”

  She handed him the bottle.

  “Jasmine, things are good. Why do you want to change up what we have?”

  Spoken like a guy who wanted to keep getting laid without any expectations. “Look, I’m not asking you to marry me.”

  “Oh really? Because last night you were pretty upset about us not getting married.” He slammed the prescription on the counter.

  “Last night?” Then the rest hit her. Her where-is-this-going meltdown in the middle of her search for something to bring up her levels. “You told your wife I was nobody.”

  “My ex-wife! Dammit, Jasmine, I’m not Julio. Stop looking for excuses for me to get back with Sabrina.”

  The words punched her in the gut, robbing her of air and searing her body with pain. “I’m not looking for excuses.”

  In two strides, he was in front of her. “Yes you are. You think I don’t see it? From the first day we met, you got weird whenever she called. You ran when you were first around my kids. You asked about my old nickname for her or how we were voted cutest couple twenty years ago. I’m not going back to her, but she and Hanna will always be in my life. We have kids. I wasn’t a good husband, or boyfriend, but I’ll be damned if I’m a bad father. They are always going to be in my life.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to not have them in your life.”

  “But would you also expect there to be a day when I went back to one of them?”

  She opened her mouth to deny it but the words wouldn’t come out.

  He stepped back. Arms held wide. “You don’t trust me.”

  “You make it hard when all you ever say is that you’re terrible at relationships and you don’t want to make us official. Even when we both felt things were changing. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel it. That you don’t feel more for me than just lust.”

  Kevin placed his hands on the back of one of the chairs. “Because as soon as you put a name on something, things change. Why tempt fate?”

  “Because when you love and care about someone, you don’t consider being committed to them as tempting fate.”

  “It is tempting fate. You’re going to want me to always be this guy, but I can’t promise to always be this guy. Things change.” He pointed to the prescription on the counter. “I’m going to change.”

  “I love you. That won’t affect the way I feel.”

  “You say that now, but it will. I’ve been there twice already.”

  She glared at him. “You accused me of comparing you to Julio. Well, guess what, genius? I’m not Sabrina or Hanna. You can’t expect for things between us to go the way they did with them.”

  “I can’t hope for them to be any different, Jasmine. I don’t want to do that again.”

  The words hurt. Dug into her heart and clawed through the muscle with ten-inch serrated nails. He didn’t love her. If he did, he wouldn’t be afraid to try again. Julio had put her heart through an emotional meat shredder, but here she was. In love with Kevin and willing to try again. Her instincts this morning were right. She needed to end this.

  “I’ve had fun, but it’s gotten to the point where the fun isn’t enough. I can’t stick around knowing this is all you want.”

  “So you’re gonna end this? Breaking off the good t
hing we’ve got going?”

  He said the words as if she were the one being unreasonable. As if her giving up disappointed him, but there was also resignation in his eyes. He’d expected her to be disappointed and leave.

  “See, that’s the thing, Kevin. This has been good enough for you. It’s not good enough for me anymore.”

  Chapter 19

  Jasmine stared at the various pictures of homes and cabins she’d photographed over the summer. When she’d first taken the pictures, the homes all looked interesting and full of hidden stories just waiting to be told. Now they all looked the same.

  She couldn’t decide on what shots to use for the show, and worse, she was starting to believe none of the shots were good. The sunlight streaming through the windows of the office in her apartment only shone light on her foolish endeavor. That the laughter once the pictures were on display would be heard even in Milan where the fashion world would joke about how Jasmine Hook, once darling photographer of the style industry, had fallen off.

  She covered her eyes with her hands and leaned her elbows on the desk. She’d been back home for a month, and even though she’d thrown herself into her work, this week she’d slammed into a brick wall of anxiety and self-doubt. This was the week she’d also slowed down enough to accept she and Kevin were through. He’d texted her at first. Tried to keep the banter they’d developed over the summer going. Even asked her to meet him in Atlanta again.

  She’d ignored all the messages. He knew what she wanted and in none of his texts did he broach the subject of them being more than friends with benefits. This week, his texts and calls had stopped. One month and he’d given up and moved on. More proof she’d been way more involved in this than he’d been.

  Well, it’s not like you texted him back.

  True. But when his texts amounted to Hey. What are you doing? Will you meet me in ATL? what was she supposed to do? They were adults. He should have called. Would have called if he really wanted to see her.

  The doorbell to her apartment rang. Letting out an indignant huff, Jasmine straightened and stomped out of her office to the door. She was not in the mood to entertain anyone. However, another miniscule piece of her, one that didn’t want to admit Kevin not texting might be the reason for her current creative slump, welcomed the distraction.

  She peered through the peephole and sighed. Jada stood on the other side of the door. Jasmine considered not answering.

  “I know you’re there, so you might as well open up.”

  Jasmine rolled her eyes and smiled. She flipped the dead bolt and took the chain off the door. “I’m working,” was her not-quite-grumbling greeting.

  Jada didn’t pause. She pushed past Jasmine and entered the apartment. “Take a break. You’ve been working like crazy since you got home.”

  “Because I have a show in a few weeks and I want to make sure everything is great.”

  “Your show is two months away. You don’t have to freak out right now,” Jada called over her shoulder as she waltzed her happy tail straight into Jasmine’s kitchen.

  Jasmine didn’t follow her sister into the kitchen. That way lay cookies, potato chips and vodka. Her three crutches whenever she felt down. She slid across the floor to her couch. “Two months isn’t that far away. Besides, this is important. There is no set start time for freaking out.”

  Rustling noises came from the kitchen, followed by the sound of the fridge opening and closing. A few seconds later, Jada emerged with a bag of chips and two bottles of water. “Which means you’re really in freak-out mode because it’s important to you.”

  Jada sauntered over and plopped onto the couch next to Jasmine. She tossed one of the bottles to her before opening the bag of chips. Jada tilted the bag toward her sister. As if she could resist potato chips. She reached in and pulled out a couple of the addictive salty treats.

  “It’s my first show,” Jasmine said after inhaling two chips. “This is my chance to do something bigger than photograph models and celebrities.”

  “I don’t know why traveling the world taking pictures of beautiful people and clothes was a problem for you anyway.”

  “It wasn’t a problem. I got an idea to do something different and I couldn’t stop until I tried. I want these pictures to do more than just entertain. I want them to tell a story. This is a chance for my pictures to do that.”

  Jada looked around Jasmine’s living area. A multitude of prints were scattered around the room, an attempt to see if a different environment with different lighting would make inspiration hit. Jada frowned and then looked Jasmine over as if she were inspecting a new car.

  “What the hell is really going on with you?” Jada asked her eyes narrowed. “Have you showered today?”

  Jasmine slowly lifted the collar of her T-shirt to her nose and took a deep breath. So maybe she hadn’t showered today. And she’d worn the same lucky top for the past two days, but she was an artist. Artists were allowed some eccentricities. She thought better when she wore this top.

  Jada raised a brow and Jasmine quickly lowered the collar. “I’m nervous about the show. That’s all.”

  “What do we need to do to get you un-nervous? When are you seeing Kevin again?”

  Jasmine’s stomach flexed. This conversation wasn’t supposed to go there. “I thought you didn’t like Kevin,” she retorted.

  “At least when you spend a weekend with him, you’re happy again.” Jada ate a few more chips.

  Jasmine pretended the ache in her heart wasn’t growing infinitely stronger with each passing moment and flicked her bangs out of her face with what she hoped looked like nonchalance. “I won’t be spending any more weekends with Kevin. We’re done.”

  “What happened?” Jada held the bag toward Jasmine.

  “Exactly what you said would happen.” Jasmine dug in and pulled out a handful. “I wanted more. He didn’t.”

  “Did he say that?”

  “Basically, after telling his ex-wife that he wasn’t marrying me and didn’t have any plans to consider marrying me in the future.”

  She didn’t go into the other issue of Kevin not trusting her to still care for him if she knew about his diagnosis. Yes, Kevin was a vibrant, athletic, magnetic man, but she’d fallen for him for other reasons. The way he hadn’t freaked out the first time he’d seen her levels go low, how he supported her project, the way he made her laugh.

  “Ouch,” Jada said with a grimace.

  “We finally had it out the last time I was in Atlanta. I told him I couldn’t keep playing for fun anymore. When he didn’t want to even label what we had as an official relationship, I walked away.”

  “Good for you. You shouldn’t stick around for something you don’t want.”

  “I don’t know. Am I being crazy? We’d only been hooking up for a few months. Was I asking for too much too soon?”

  Jada shook her head and held up a hand. “Don’t go down that slope. There is nothing wrong with telling a guy what you want in a relationship. Otherwise, you’re sitting there silently accepting a situation that isn’t completely satisfying to you. You want to be with someone who loves you and isn’t afraid to love you. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “I know. I’m just...” She missed him. She missed him so much. This would pass. She’d get over him and she’d move on. She had to because to pine after a guy who didn’t love her was crazy. “Look, can we talk about anything other than this?”

  Jada cringed. Jasmine cocked her head to the side. “What’s that look for?”

  “I met with Kathy. You need to talk to her.”

  Jasmine dropped her head back. She had said anything. “Why?”

  “Because there is more to the story. She went through a lot after her and Dad split. You should hear her out. She still cares.”

  “I don’t want to hear her out.”

  �
��You’d rather hold on to your anger and pain? Don’t. Life is short, and I know she’s not our biological mom but she was our mom for nearly ten years. She raised us and she deserves to be heard.”

  “I don’t trust her.”

  “I’m not asking you to trust her, I’m asking you to talk to her. I think you two will have a lot more in common than you think.”

  “Doubtful,” Jasmine said with a snort.

  “Don’t doubt it. You told me that Julio’s oldest daughter follows you on Instagram. She’s still interested in you and she still cares, but you’re staying away because Julio and his wife are back together. That sounds similar to what happened with Kathy.”

  Jasmine lifted a finger and gave her sister the side eye. “Don’t compare me with Kathy. It’s not the same.”

  “Isn’t it? Look, she’ll be back in town this weekend. Talk to her. Not because I asked you to but for your own closure.” She stared at Jasmine. “Stop being afraid to trust people.”

  You don’t trust me. Kevin had said that in his defense of them not being serious. He still had his own issues with trust and commitment, but his assessment had stung. She was afraid to trust. Afraid of being pushed aside and forgotten again. Maybe she did need closure.

  Jasmine sighed. “Fine. I’ll talk to her.”

  Chapter 20

  Jasmine spotted her stepmother the second she walked into the restaurant. Even if Kathy hadn’t waved and grinned when Jasmine walked through the door, she would have recognized her. Despite the years that passed, Kathy hadn’t changed much. Her hair, always dyed a honey color, was shorter in a style that complemented her heart-shaped face. Her smile was still wide, open and welcoming. The smile that had greeted Jasmine after school for years. A smile that had always made her think things would be okay no matter what happened during the day.

  Until that smile was no longer in her life.

  Jasmine took a deep breath. She’d promised her sister she’d be here so she was here. She would only stay for a few minutes. She hadn’t promised to stay for a long time.