by Toni Aleo
Thank God. I really want to kiss her some more.
My hands are full as I look around her room. It’s a soft blue with gray accents. Her headboard is white, and her bed has gray sheets. I like the contrast of it. I walk over to her dresser that has a mirror attached to it and set everything down. She doesn’t have much in here, just a bed, a night table, a chair, and the dresser. There is a bathroom that’s attached and then a closet, but the door’s closed. The box from Lacey’s Lace is in the corner, while the pieces are laid out on the chaise. I open my sub as I take in all the pictures that are tucked into the sides of the mirror. They are mostly of Callie, but there are also a lot of her and her mom. The only reason I assume it’s her mom is because it’s like looking at an older version of Aviva. Same eyes, same smile, and same hair. Stunning.
When she comes out of the bathroom, she throws her washcloth in the laundry basket. I point to the pictures. “This is your mom?”
She comes to me, grabbing a soda and nodding. “Yup, that’s her.”
“She’s beautiful.”
“She is,” she agrees, taking a long drink of her soda.
“Do you not have any other family?”
She shakes her head. “My mom’s parents were older when they had her, so they passed before I was even born. We grew up with my dad’s parents, but when Dad went rogue, they blamed us, saying we didn’t love him enough to help him. Total bullshit, so we haven’t seen or spoken to them in years.”
“That’s crap.”
“Yup, cancer tore this family to shit,” she says softly, leaning into me. I wrap my arm around her back as I take another bite of my sub. “Do you have grandparents?”
“I do. My mom’s parents. Don’t know my dad’s.”
She shakes her head. “I knew that.”
“Yeah,” I laugh, and she smiles up at me as she slides her hands under my shirt, holding me close.
“When do you have to leave again?”
I exhale loudly. “I have two home games, then leave for two, and then come back for two.”
“Hockey plays a lot of games.”
I nod. “We do.”
She pouts up at me. “I don’t want you to leave again. I’ve missed you.”
I gather her in my arms. “Same here, baby.”
She kisses my jaw and cuddles into my chest. “Did you have a nice flight?”
“I did,” I answer, Chandler’s confession heavy on my mind. “Actually, I’m gonna need your date services again.”
She perks her brow as she looks up at me. “What am I, an escort?”
I laugh loudly. “My bad. No. I mean I want you to go somewhere with me.”
She eyes me playfully, sending my heart into fits. “Oh, really? Where?”
“Chandler and Amelia are getting married. I’m doing the best man thing.”
Aviva’s face lights up. “Aw, how sweet. Where?”
“Oh, the beach by my house, actually. It’s not for a month, but I need to lock you in. Make sure you don’t get any other dates,” I tease, and she grins.
“I’m yours.”
“Damn right, you are,” I say, pressing my lips to hers. She leans into the kiss, her fingers stroking my collarbone.
When she pulls back, I kiss her bottom lip before going back to my sub. “I’m jealous of the attention you’re showing that sub.”
I smirk. “Don’t worry. I’m going between your legs next.” She beams up at me as I hold her close to my side. Around my bite, I say, “They’re going to Barcelona.”
“Who?” she asks, drawing her brows in.
“Amelia and Chandler.”
“Oh, don’t tell Callie,” she says dryly. “I’d never hear the end of it.”
“Well, I was going to see if you wanted to go.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t leave the shop.”
“Sure, for a weekend. Leave late Thursday, come home Sunday.”
“I can’t,” she says simply. “This summer, I will try. I gotta get ahead.”
I bite my lip. “Can I take Callie?”
She gives me a serious look. I suspected her to yell no or even snap at me, but her eyes just look so sad. “I really want to go with her.”
“Then we’ll wait,” I say automatically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think that through.”
“I know. You just want to make Callie happy.”
“I do, but I want the same thing with you.”
She moves her hand up to my mouth, wiping away some mayo.
“Don’t be mad.”
She shakes her head. “I’m not. Promise. I just really wanna go, and maybe with whoever paid Callie’s gym bill, I can catch up. I actually had a great two weeks, and when I add in the IceCats money, I’ve been able to refill Callie’s savings—” She pauses, and then she presses her lips together.
“What?”
“I forgot to tell you.”
“What?” I ask, a little on edge. I don’t like the look on her face. “What’s wrong?”
“We went to the doctor for Callie. They said they’ll do the total mastectomy if she wants it now, which is crazy because they usually want the patient to be eighteen. But I think the doctor knows Callie is freaking out.”
“Wow. Is she going to do it?”
She nods. “Yeah, after competition season.”
My stomach aches for her. “All right. Are you okay?”
“I just wish I could have saved her from this.”
“You’re doing everything to make her the best version of herself, and I really think the conference in Baybridge is gonna be great for both of you.”
She slowly nods her head as she smiles up at me. “Jaylin is going to go with us.”
“That’s awesome. I feel dumb. I should have invited her.”
She waves me off. “Don’t you worry. She invited herself.”
I chuckle, and then I remember something. “Did you tell her about Kirby?”
She shakes her head. “Not at all. That’s not my business to tell.”
“Good. Don’t. He’s pretty worked up about it.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it. That’s a lot to deal with,” she says, unbuttoning my shirt.
I set my sub down, and without much thought, I ask, “Do you want kids?”
She meets my gaze. “I do.” She takes in a deep breath, looking a little embarrassed. “It’s funny you ask, because when we went to Amelia’s and I saw her feeding the babies formula, it actually made me feel better about having kids.”
I raise my brow. “I’m confused.”
She points to her chest. “I can’t feed a baby, and I thought, how could I have a kid and not be able to give them a mother’s milk? It would make me a bad mom, I thought. But Amelia couldn’t, and she is an amazing mom. I hope I can be like that.”
I cup her face, kissing her nose. “Boobs or not, you’ll be a great mom. Look at Callie.”
She curves her lips. “She is pretty wonderful.”
“Perfection.”
She beams up at me, covering my hand with hers. “Do you want kids?”
“I do,” I admit, and I’m surprised I was so open with that statement. I’ve always wanted them, and having them with Aviva would be so damn cool. I’m scared that when I tell her my diagnosis, she won’t want to have them with me. Not that we’re doing that now. That’s crazy talk, but still, just saying.
“You’re so good with Carter and Hannah. I don’t even know why I asked.”
I shrug. “Because we’re getting to know each other.”
Something flashes in her eyes, and it sends desire straight to my gut. I want to know everything about this girl. The insides and outs. Every nook and cranny. I want it all. “Are you done yet?”
She then pushes my shirt and suit jacket down my arms. I allow them to fall to the floor before gathering her in my arms once more. “I can be.”
“Good, because we have over two weeks to make up for.”
“We absolutely do.”
Ch
apter Twenty-Four
Nico
“How is your goal list going for the month?”
I unfold the paper that usually hangs on my fridge. I read them over and nod. “Good. I’ve met all of them.”
Dr. Jenkins beams. “Nico, that’s wonderful.” She leans over and nods. “Yes. You have bounced back from those two bad games.”
“Yeah, but I’m a little worried.”
She leans back in her chair, recrossing her legs. She’s wearing a shorter skirt than normal, with these red tights. I don’t know who she’s trying to impress, but it’s obvious she is. “Why is that?”
I scratch the back of my head. “Aviva and I got together, and then I started playing well again. I don’t think anything bad will happen. I really feel good about us. I worry that if it does, I’ll go back to playing like shit, and I don’t like that. It’s actually giving me anxiety, and there is no reason for that.”
Through her black-rimmed glasses, she eyes me. “So how do you think we can make sure that doesn’t happen?”
“I don’t know. That’s your job.”
She smiles. “Yes, but we’re a team. I want to see what you want to do to make sure it doesn’t happen.”
I shrug. “I guess I really gotta separate my personal life and game life.”
“Yes, and how?”
“Coach always says ‘leave your shit at the door.’”
“I think he’s right, so why don’t we try that for the next couple weeks? Before you walk into the locker room, you leave everything but hockey outside. Don’t think of Aviva or your mom…anything. It’s only hockey. How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Because I really love how Aviva makes me feel. My mom, she lifts me up before games, and I remind myself of her praise.”
“Okay, praise is good, but don’t think of them. Think of the praise. What I mean is, think of what they’re doing—”
“I don’t really do that. I’m usually focused.”
“Okay,” she says happily. “But what made the last time different?”
I press my lips together. “I don’t know. I’ve never had that happen to me before, and even with all the shit that happened with Shelli, I didn’t get like that. I played my best hockey. I mean, we were only one goal away from winning the Cup against the fuckbag who stole her from me.”
I know she wants to shoot me an exasperated look. She’s a professional, though. “He didn’t steal her, remember?”
I roll my eyes. I’m not a professional. “Whatever. She wanted him, not me. It’s cool though, ’cause I wouldn’t have been able to be with Aviva if it had worked out with Shelli.”
She nods. “Do you think of Shelli still?”
“No, not really,” I admit. “Sometimes things will remind me of her, but overall, no. Chandler is getting married, and she’s coming in for the wedding since he’s marrying her cousin, and I didn’t even care. I only cared if Aviva would be my date. Even the fuckbag is coming, and I don’t care.”
“You know you have to stop calling him that.”
I scrunch up my face. “Why?”
“Because if he’s a fuckbag, you still care about the situation.”
“No, I don’t. I don’t hate him for taking Shelli. I hate him because he’s a fuckbag.”
She doesn’t believe me. “Do you truly think that?”
Why is this so exhausting? “Fine, maybe I do because she chose him. But it doesn’t matter. Aiden. There. Or hell, Brooks. I can call him Brooks.”
She doesn’t seem convinced, but why are we even speaking of that guy? They don’t matter. “Let’s move on,” she sighs.
“Thank God.”
Her gaze seems annoyed, but hey, she signed up for this. I know they pay her good money to deal with me. “Do you feel maybe it was a fluke? The bad games?”
I move in my seat, trying to readjust. “Could be. But I know I wasn’t focused.”
“Okay, so we’ve learned from that?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Let’s move on,” she says, tapping her pen to my folder. It probably reads that I’m a huge asshole. “So, things are going well with Aviva?”
“Yes,” I say, and I look her in the eye. “Really good. I love every second with her, and we have a blast.”
“Has there been anything that you second-guessed yourself about or felt you shouldn’t have said?”
I laugh. “I say a lot of things, but she goes with it.”
A small smile pulls at her lips.
“But not really. Well, I assumed she would let me take her sister to Barcelona, but Chandler told me she wouldn’t. I didn’t really see anything wrong with it, but apparently it’s weird. Plus, Aviva wants to go.”
“Did that upset you?”
I shake my head. “No, I kind of felt bad. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings.”
“You hurt her feelings?”
“I think so, by trying to leave her out.”
“And you realized that?”
I nod. “I did, actually, which now surprises me.” I kind of feel proud of myself.
She grins. “I think that’s the first social cue you’ve picked up on since we’ve been working together. I’m very proud of you, Nico.”
I grin back at her. “It’s easy with her, if that makes sense. I try to be in tune. I want her to be happy.”
“That’s wonderful, Nico,” she says softly. “Have you told her about your diagnosis?”
I let my head drop back. How’d I know she was going to ask that? “No, but I did tell Chandler.”
I sit up, and she looks as if she won the lottery. “You did?”
“I did,” I say on an exhale. “He already knew. He overheard it a while back.”
“And he never said anything?”
“Nope. He says it doesn’t matter.” Still, it doesn’t seem real to me. It all seems like a dream. I wish everyone would react like Chandler and Callie have, but I know they won’t. Which is why I haven’t told Aviva.
“That’s fantastic. I’m glad that worked out,” she says, and she’s marking some stuff down. “Can we create our next goal sheet to have ‘Tell Aviva’ as goal one?”
Why does my throat hurt? “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know. It puts this fire in the pit of my stomach. We were talking a couple weeks ago, and we got on the subject of wanting kids. And all I could think was would she want them with me if she knew?”
“Kids? That was fast.”
I shrug. “I don’t think so. It was in passing. Do you want kids? And she asked me. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“It didn’t freak you out?”
“No,” I say simply. “Except when I realized, what if she doesn’t want to have them with me because our child could have autism and it could be worse?”
She exhales heavily. “Okay, that one sentence brings up a lot of questions for me, but we’re running out of time.”
“What?” I ask, needing to know. “We can go over.”
She meets my gaze, probably surprised since I’m almost always running for the door. “Okay. When you thought of having kids before, did your autism worry you?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“So, why now?”
I think that over. “I think maybe it’s because I don’t want to lose Aviva, and my diagnosis could make me lose her.”
“Nico, she is a breast cancer survivor. Do you think she’s thinking you wouldn’t want to have a baby with her because the same thing could happen to your daughter?”
I think about that for a moment and then nod. “Actually, she probably is.”
She smiles. “Okay, that doesn’t help.”
I laugh. “I get it. I shouldn’t fear the future. I should embrace it.”
“Absolutely.” She holds my gaze. “I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I broke that chain, but that doesn’t mean my children won’t have it as a vice. But you
better believe I’m gonna have a baby, and I will love that baby no matter what. The same goes for you and, I’m sure, Aviva.”
Dr. Jenkins has never spoken about herself. I nod slowly. “Okay.”
Her eyes haven’t left mine, and it’s making me itch. It’s almost like she’s challenging me to look away, and that always makes me uncomfortable. “Next, Nico, do you feel you love Aviva?”
Talk about my heart skipping a beat. And like I always do, I speak without thinking. “I do.”
“Do you think she loves you?”
“I think she cares deeply for what I let her see.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Exactly. How can she love all of you if you don’t show her? She’s shown you. Now show her.”
I press my lips together. I want to agree, I want to say I’ll do it, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. “Maybe after she meets my mom.”
Her eyes widen. “Your mom is coming to town?”
I want to laugh. “Yup. She can’t wait to meet you.”
She groans. “I might be sick that day.”
I laugh now, and she shakes her head. “Okay, before you go, though, how do you feel about the gala tonight?”
Man, I was doing well not thinking about that damn gala. Within seconds, my flight sense is screaming. I have been trying to prepare for this stupid gala for the last three weeks, but I am freaking the fuck out. I don’t want to go. I don’t care how hot my girl looks in the dress she got or that she promised not to wear panties—I don’t want to go.
“My chest hurts thinking about it.”
She nods. “Remember to breathe. Hold Aviva’s hand. Take it easy. Don’t throw yourself into it. Ease into it.”
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, but it’s basically suffocating me.
“It will be okay. It’s such a small event. Only players, with their dates, staff, and the donors. This is a wonderful event for you to try. You will be okay, and if not, then leave. But I truly want you to try for at least thirty minutes.”
My skin feels clammy. “Okay.”
“And remember, no alcohol. You do not need a vice.”
“Damn it, I forgot that part,” I say, groaning loudly.