by Jacky Gray
Looks like you left me with nothing on.
No… Wait. He’d said the last one. But he hadn’t forced the moan through her lips when his hands roamed her body. Twice. Or the delicious shudder when he’d tugged the dress off her shoulder and … Hang on a second. Something snagged in her mind. A tiny niggle about the second time he’d done it danced outside her brain, laughing as it eluded her attempts to pin it down. The rest of the scene played out in her head: the scarf around her mouth, the frantic knocking at the door … Wait, was that Luke? She should ask him.
The dark scene resumed as the monster slapped her so hard her head hit the table. But why? What had she done to cause such a violent reaction?
Her mum’s call for dinner had never been so welcome. Liv shook her head to clear out the nasty memories.
Without the immediate pressure of the modular exams, the Bryant Rockwell year elevens should have noticed a discernible easing of their workload. But it seemed as though the head had issued a mandate to all teachers saying they should ramp up the workload for the poor unfortunate souls. Of course, each teacher lived in an isolated bubble, where only their subject mattered. They piled on the homework as though the main exams were in four days, not four months.
Liv seemed to have picked the most intensive subjects. Apart from ICT, she had no coursework which could boost up a poor exam showing. Several of her teachers compensated by having one lesson a week where the students sat a past paper and marked it the next lesson. These caused all manner of friction.
Her coping strategy involved spending a deal of time practising on a stack of the previous years’ exam scripts. This helped to get familiar with the way each subject asked their questions. She knew Ray did the same, and they tried to interest the others, but they all seemed to have a bunch of lunchtime activities related to sports or art. So she ended up spending a deal of time in the technology block, printing off papers.
A couple of times, she spotted Jimmy on her way to or from the block, where his friends still hung out. On both occasions, she hurried past with her head down, hoping he wouldn’t see her. Then, one break time, she walked past the sixth form block as he held the door open for a couple of girls to walk through. He caught her gaze and nodded, a grim smile playing around his lips.
She walked on, aware he’d followed her, and wondered at his sudden change of mind, as he was obviously on his way into the block. Why else would he wait while the girls exited? As the gap closed, Ray hailed her, and she turned to glimpse Jimmy veering off down an alley alongside the main admin building.
Ray hadn’t spotted him, and she kept the incident to herself, not wanting to bring up the subject they all seemed to have forgotten. Even Jude’s offer of accompanying her on runs seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Right now, no one needed the additional worry.
Several days later, she spotted him in the library, sitting by himself, reading. She chose a table which allowed her to watch him surreptitiously through a gap in the partitions without alerting him to her scrutiny. This didn’t look like the guy she knew; he seemed older, sadder, with an expression suggesting world-sized troubles stooped his shoulders. Making sure she did not stare at him for too long, her gaze flicked in his direction several times, trying to figure out what was wrong with the picture. After a short while, Kat joined her, upset because Jude had lied again.
By the time they finished venting, Jimmy had disappeared.
15 Is it Worth It?
Probably the lowest point in Jude’s whole life came one lunchtime; she’d eaten her pasta salad quickly then left early to see Miss Talbot about her PE coursework. It had only taken a few minutes, so she skulked to the library. Sitting in her favourite study cubicle, she’d just finished her English homework when she heard Kat’s voice on the other side of the partition. She would have joined them when she caught Liv’s angry words, recognising instantly they were talking about her.
“I’m fed up with her cosying up to Ray; it’s, like, all the time.”
“She doesn’t seem to be herself lately, but I don’t think there’s anything going on between them.” The tone in Kat’s voice reminded Jude how often she ended up playing peacemaker.
Liv snorted. “She’s always fancied him, right from the start. But she wasn’t interested while he was in a wheelchair ’cos he couldn’t do any sports. It won’t be long before he can walk properly …”
Kat drew a sharp breath. “That’s a horrible thing to say.”
“Well, she’s making me feel horrible.” The sound of something slamming on the desk made Jude jump, but it diminished the heat in Liv’s next statement. “I can’t talk to Ray about it; he’s always had a thing for her, and he’s loving all the attention.” A sniff. “He says I’m being jealous and we end up in a fight.”
“Oh dear. I get the feeling from Luke things aren’t ...”
“Luke? Don’t talk to me about him. I tried to say something about it and he gave me another earful about how I should try to see it from her point of view.” An angry sigh ended Liv’s tirade.
Jude’s eyes welled up at Luke’s loyalty; the hardest part about all of this was keeping him at arm’s length. She forced herself to stay still, hoping to hear something positive.
Kat’s tone oozed compassion. “Her dad’s stopped her from doing the one thing she cares about and she’s trying to take her mind off it by working hard. Luke said I should be more understanding.”
“Yep, me too. It’s like, this is the biggest thing in her life and she can’t do it anymore. It’s bound to upset her. I told him she didn’t need to be such a bitch to you.”
Another sharp breath from Kat. “What did he say?”
“Something about she’s not herself, right now.”
“Yeah, he said something similar to me. She’ll get over it, but not until the competition’s finished.”
“It can’t come soon enough for me. Right now, I almost hate her.”
Jude cringed back into her chair, shaking in disgust. How had she let it get to this, where her best friends practically hated her? And how amazing was Luke, sticking up for her?
The truth of Liv’s words hurt; she never meant to be a bitch. Squirming, she remembered snapping at Kat for no reason. Maybe she should just tell them? Nope. Already analysed that scenario; way too risky. Just next week to get through and then it would all be over.
Even the teachers were on her side; Mr Johnston was ecstatic when she handed in her homework one lesson early, talking about new leaves. He set a piece of persuasive writing tailor-made for her current situation.
“You have to explain to someone close why you made a particular decision even though you know they disagree with it quite vehemently. Yes, Jude?”
“Does it have to be a parent?”
“No. It can be a brother or sister, a teacher, a friend or even a partner.” He scanned for more questions. None. “Ok, off you go, everyone. Planning first, as usual: a couple of key words or phrases, then a first draft by the end of this lesson.”
Jude didn’t need to plan anything; this was her opportunity to explain it all to everyone. She’d have to change the topic in case he twigged, but basically the entire piece tried to explain to Luke, and especially Liv, everything she’d done and was about to do.
Mr Johnston kept her back at the end of the lesson.
“Well done, Jude. I don’t know what has caused this change, but I’m really impressed with your effort and attitude for the past few lessons. This homework is very good and I can’t wait to read your piece from today; the muse certainly seemed to be with you. I think this effort calls for a text home. Well done.”
The praise text, her first from an academic subject, went down well. Her dad actually smiled for the first time in ages and he muttered something about coming to her senses.
An even bigger break came on Monday; he seemed in a good mood at dinner. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to take you to Brownies on Thursday, Megs. Your mum will have to do it.”
“Oh great.” Megan
pouted, playing her apple-of-daddy’s-eye card. “I hate walking when it’s cold and dark.”
“No, your mum will have the car. I’m going to London for a couple of days. On a training course.”
“This week?” Jude couldn’t believe her ears.
“Wednesday to Friday. I might stay over, depending on the traffic.”
“They’ve only just told you? That’s not fair. What if you had plans?”
“It was a bit last minute because the chap who was supposed to go broke his leg and he’s in hospital. The company would lose a lot of money if someone didn’t go. So they picked me.”
He seemed pleased by her concern, and Jude tried to look interested as he rattled on about it being a good sign given the current climate. All the time, her insides did a little victory dance: this would make it so much easier to get away. She could set up a sleepover for Friday night and no one would be any the wiser until she came back with the trophy.
16 Giving Blood
Finally the niggle which had bothered Liv for a while resolved itself. Why on earth would Jimmy be wearing gloves inside? It made no sense. Sure, it got cold in winter, but not that cold. She knew he had proper gauntlets to wear on his bike, but these were thin leather. Correction, it was. He only wore one. Why wear one glove unless to hide something? Again, a memory skittered past without stopping long enough for her to work out the significance. The fact she’d spotted the glove made her think back to the last couple of times she’d seen him. Holding the door open in the sixth form block. She closed her eyes, picturing the detail.
Yep, he’d worn gloves then, too. But it hadn’t seemed out of place as he was outside, and it was very cold. But not too cold for a big, tough guy like him. Nope, he was definitely hiding something. Only one thing for it: She had to access the memory of THAT NIGHT to lay this niggle to rest. Something she deliberately avoided doing because of the horror it evoked. But, suppressing the trauma might lead to it coming back to bite her, later on.
Julia, the woman who’d recently coached her through the aftermath of a bulimic episode, reckoned Liv’s brain had been wired to give her an enormous ability to cope with horrendous situations. Something about bypassing all the instinctive fear reactions. But the woman stressed how this method of internalising the horror should only be used short term, in acute situations. When the danger had passed, Liv needed to vent it properly, so she could move on. Otherwise, it had the potential to eat away like acid at her brain, spreading its own particular poison.
Liv tried lying on the bed, but the instant her eyes shut, she felt intensely uncomfortable. The position made her aware of her vulnerability. Moving back to the desk, she adjusted the height so her feet were flat on the ground, and went through the deep breathing techniques Julia had shown her. Liv sat back in her chair, closed her eyes, and revisited the scene.
For a moment, memories from two different episodes clashed with each other as Jimmy took her through the basics of playing pool. Then they resolved into the second incident; with him coming on strong, then inexplicably backing off when she asked him to stop.
With an increasing sense of disloyalty to Ray, she luxuriated in the feel of his body against hers, even as she remembered the awful smell and taste of cigarettes. Then, when he repeated the action sliding her sleeve off her shoulder, she had to admit she’d enjoyed the heat of his body covering hers. Until he gagged her.
Her eyes snapped open. That was it! The reason he’d slapped her. When she worked the scarf loose enough to scream, he put his hand over her mouth. She’d bitten down hard and he slapped her, bashing her head on the hard slate table. Maybe he wore a glove to hide the bite mark on his hand. She examined her hands. No, that wouldn’t be right; a plaster would suffice. And anyway, it was three or four weeks ago. How long would a bite take to heal? She googled the information, finally finding a site which said around seven to ten days. No, wait – this figure came from a dog bite.
Surely a human bite would heal more quickly. She tried again, and was horrified by what she found out. The quantity of bacteria in a human mouth made it even more toxic than a dog’s bite, with a higher risk of infection. And if she’d pierced the skin, it would take even longer to heal. Ugh. She was sure Jude would say the creep deserved everything he got, but it sounded dreadful.
She tried to remember. If she’d punctured his skin, surely she would have tasted blood? But her mouth already felt rank from vomit and the foul tang of his cigarettes. More research about how the victim should immediately get a tetanus injection had her wondering whether she needed treatment - the whole mixing bodily fluids thing.
And what about AIDS? OMG! He might not be the type to sleep around, but that slag Sonia certainly was.
A cold dread washed over Liv.
AIDS?
Then her practical side kicked in. Should she get a test?
Trauma!
No way could she mention this to anyone. Maybe she could find a way of getting tested for AIDS without going to the doctors? Their family doctor was a friend of her dad’s, so no way could she go there. The Internet revealed all potential blood donors were screened for any number of STDs.
She sighed. This was the main reason she couldn’t go to a doctor. No matter what she told them as the reason for wanting the test, it would reflect badly because she was technically under age.
The blood donor idea looked favourite, and her folks would applaud the selfless, community-minded spirit. She pulled up the details on the website and hit her first hurdle: the minimum age of seventeen. A plan began to form.
What was it about dishonesty, that always came back to bite you? From the outset, Liv had to tell so many lies, she seriously regretted ever having had this plan. She’d registered online, giving the key details, and got herself an appointment after school. It had been quite painless, because she already knew Vicky’s national insurance number. She’d gone in to borrow her sister’s ID, forgetting she was staying at a friend’s. Liv spotted her driving licence on the desk; hopefully she’d be able to get it back before her sister even noticed its absence.
She took her makeup bag into school along with a change of clothes, but didn’t glam up until she reached the loos of a big department store in town. She bought a copy of one of Vicky’s favourite magazines to read whilst she waited. The sign-in queue was huge and the blonde woman in front of her struck up a conversation, correctly guessing it was Liv’s first time. Evie was very friendly, and not much older than Liv. She gave her a few pointers, and seemed impressed by how much Liv knew about it.
Liv saw the receptionist watching the two of them, and felt sure it was the only reason the woman didn’t make a big deal about her age and the fact Vicky’s ID picture had blonde hair.
The woman in the small cubicle seemed a little sharper, asking for identification, and studying the picture, glancing up at Liv, and back to the photo.
It took everything Liv had to keep her cool and she dug deeply into her Tallulah bravado. “Is everything alright?” Her voice took on a low, throaty tone, and she knew better than to put any kind of doubt in the woman’s mind, she had enough of those already.
“When is your birthday?”
Liv rattled off the correct date.
“And the year?”
Again with the super-fast reply; she’d practised this many times.
The woman’s smile hinted at apology. “Sorry, but we have to be very careful. There could be all manner of complications if we don’t get it absolutely correct.”
Again Liv held her tongue, not even wanting to think about any kind of problems. She put a stack of “I get this all the time” energy into her smile, and the woman bought it.
“The change of hair colour makes it tricky, you look quite different.”
“I know, but I have to renew it soon, so it’s not worth changing.”
“I bet you’ll be stopped on challenge twenty-five long after you’re in your forties. You have that kind of ever-young face. Lucky you.”
The woman explained they would take a few extra vials for this first time, to do some additional checks.
“What kind of checks?” Liv decided this question would be okay.
“Nothing you need to worry about, just things like hepatitis, and other diseases which can be picked up from anyone who has travelled outside the UK.”
After that, it went pretty smoothly, until she lay on the bed. The first guy struggled to find a vein in her arm big enough to put the needle in, so he tried the other arm. Normally, this would’ve freaked Liv out completely, but Evie had warned her about this possibility, as it happened to her. Eventually, they called another doctor. His air of acute stress suggested he was in charge, coupled with the three staff interrupting him for advice. Finally, they got her hooked up, and he stayed to supervise while the small vials were filled, before transferring to the large sack.
Liv wasn’t prepared for the sight of her own blood trickling into the opaque plastic, but being a doctor’s daughter, no part of her was squeamish. She watched in fascination as Evie’s unit of blood rocked to and fro on a metal cradle, desperate to ask why, but holding her questions in case they made her look like a schoolgirl.
The nurse looking after her seemed very nervous; she confessed this was her first day on the job and fretted when Liv’s unit took forever to reach the required weight. Liv said her whole family had extremely low blood pressure, so it was quite likely to take much longer, which reassured the woman. By the time Liv reached the refreshment area, Evie got up, ready to go.
“Well done, Vicky. I’d love to stop and chat, but I’m meeting my boyfriend.” She glanced at her phone.
Liv figured she might ask to swap phone numbers, but thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. “Have a lovely evening. Nice to meet you.” A little touch of “you should be going, now” energy had Evie glancing at the time and dashing off. Watching her go, Liv felt confident the worst was over, and she’d pulled it off. Until she spotted Miss Timmons in the queue waiting for a bed.