by Lipa Nandes
She's so – Different, in the proper sense. Of all the girls I know, she is the only who doesn't care about what others think about her, or make-up to feel part of a group, she has a lousy taste for the clothes she wears, and for music, and... Oh my god, she had that strange obsession that every day having to wear a yellow garment, just because she said that yellow spread happiness, she genuinely believed in it. Marcus even played with the situation and began to call her Yellow, and for me, it made perfect sense because she brought happiness to my days, so much so that one day I offered her a sun-shaped key-chain holder. Because that's what she is for me, my sun, even when she is a dark gray sky, she still is my sun.
"I love you," I told her with all my heart and soul. I could no longer hide the fact that I loved her, and maybe, if she knows my intentions, she'll come back to me, that's all I want.
"I know..." She said in a muffled voice and caught me entirely by surprise. "I love you, too, you know." My heart stopped, fell to the ground, and broke off next to hers.
"If you love me, then why are we not together?"
"Because I don't want to hurt you," she said with a hint of sadness, with a massive void in her voice... I cannot stand seeing her like that, I don't want to see her like this anymore!
"I think it's a bit late for that, Yellow. "
At that very moment, she lifted her head from my legs and then sat on my lap and hugged me. I felt the heat and the pain of her tears, I wanted to get her out of that infernal place she is in.
How did I leave her? How can I let this happened to her?
But then, what I wanted most, what I was asking more happened, and I just wanted it to be enough to make her change her mind about me.
I felt her lips on mine, the salty taste of her tears, the whiskey taste in her tongue. But also felt all the love she had for me in that kiss. I filled mine in the same way so she could feel how much I love her, how much I want her with me, how much I need and despair I am to her change her mind and let me stay with her. I felt the kiss to slow down the force, will she run away from me? Will she go away with me again and move away from me even more?
"Fuck... I'm sorry!" She apologized so embarrassingly.
"No need to apologize, I—" What do I need to tell her to believe in me? To make her stay with me? "I love you so much, Neva. You have no idea how much I want you." My voice filled with despair for her, I didn't want to know if I was overexposing me, or if I was too vulnerable. What I wanted the most at this moment was to show her that I wish to make her feel loved and happy. I've already lost her the day I went to college, I don't want to lose her now, not for him. I want her to stay with me.
Her eyes staring at me wide as if my words had penetrated to the bones of her little body. I love being able to look at her so close that I can see her freckles beneath the line of her eyes, her fair chestnut skin is so sexy.
She's so unique and so beautiful she doesn't even know some girls wanted to be like her.
She pressed her lips against mine again, and I lost myself back in the little she gives me. She can crush me in seconds, but, I cannot erase what I feel for her. It's too strong!
I laid her carefully on the white U-shaped couch, partially putting the weight of my body over hers. She spread her legs, letting me stay in the middle of them.
I wanted her so much in every way that I could have her, and now, in the most fragile moment, she is willing to give in, but is it right for me to take this opportunity?
I want her more than anything, but I don't want our first time to be like this. I want her to want me, I want her to want me the way I want her.
I broke our kiss, letting myself simply look at her.
"What's it?" She asked me.
"I... I don't want our first time to be like this, I want you... I need you to want to take this step with me, but when you're sober."
Her eyes revealed some confusion after hearing what I said, but then, on her lips, a big smile appeared, almost mocking me.
"I don't understand what are you laughing at?" I asked her, pulling my body off of her and sitting on the couch again.
She also sat cross-legged, then; "Oh gosh, Kyle! I'm not a virgin, okay?" She admitted, and before the pieces of my heart could have melted into hers, it came back into me in smaller pieces.
"What? How did that happen?" What the fuck!
"Oh I don't know Kyle, I went to town one day, and I dropped my virginity to the ground, and someone got her..." She's mocking me, she can really be so stupid and insensitive...
I don't like it when she acts like this. Is she bipolar or something?
"I mean, with whom, and where?"
"From witch time?"
"What? Did you do it more than once? Who are you, Clark?" I was utterly shocked by this revelation, I thought... I no longer know what to think.
"Trust me, I've done it immensely and in many different places. Wait a minute, you went to college, and you didn't fuck with anyone? Are you still a virgin?" The evil Neva is sitting right in front of me... I hate her so much!
"I was saving myself for you Clark, I thought you knew that,"
Her eyes were examining my expressions, and she was trying to understand what I had said. I feel so silly now.
"Save yourself for me? What the fuck, Kyle? You are a fucking priest or something?"
"No, but, I just wanted to take this step with you, because I want it to be special, not all guys have sex with some girl."
If I had known I was silent, I instantly regretted my last words, but I didn't want to take them back either.
"Some girl huh!" She sighed, glanced briefly at me before getting up. "Good-bye Kyle, this between us, it's a mistake, I don't even know why I called you in the first place."
After that, she just leaves me alone, and I didn't dare to follow her, I didn't want to give her up, but the fact that she already... I mean!
What the hell did she do to me? She's no longer is my Yellow, and I don't know if it will ever be again.
I lost her without even having the opportunity to fight for her.
chapter twenty-three
neva
What the hell did I think when I called him? I should never have done it, sober or not, I'll never call him again, that's it.
But fuck! Shit! Now it's all out of me.
Why was I so honest with him? Why did I let those words come out of my mouth?
Damn you, Neva, you really are so dumb sometimes...
I have to get out of here fast before he has a chance to come after me, I have to get away from him!
I really have to stop drinking, walking completely intoxicated with alcohol is extremely difficult for me. I could feel my mind start to become hazy, I can't even walk in a straight line.
I climb the bridge that gives access to the parking lot of the marina, and I see Kyle's car right behind mine, blocking me out.
Urgh!!!
You've got to be kidding me, shit!
Now what? Should I call him? Or not give a shit and bump my car against his?
No, no... I don't want to damage my precious car.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I dig my hands in my pocket to catch my phone. I go to my call list and press Kyle's name. At the third ring, he finally answers.
"What do you want?" Wow, I'm having a kind of déjà vu, Marcus asked me exactly the same hours before I came to a stop here.
"I want you to get the thunderbolt out of your car behind mine," I told him angrily. He didn't answer me, just hung up the phone, and minutes later, in the distance, I could see him walking on the wooden bridge.
When he reached me, his eyes were red and swollen, was he crying? Why?
"Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked me. His voice broke to the smallest bone inside me, it was like his voice was the embodiment of pain, it was as if I could touch it. I liked to take all his pain and keep it for me, since I was completely immersed in it, take his pain was not going to make any difference to me.
; "If I want to leave? What do you think?" I leaned into my car with arms crossed over my chest, and with my face serious, without any friendly expression.
He approached me in two great strides, grabbed my face with both hands and looked beyond me, my eyes, my mind, and my heart.
"Tell me you don't want me in your life, tell me that you don't want me for you, tell me you want me to leave and never see me again."- He sighed against my lips, then he kissed me, and I kissed him back. I wanted to lose myself in his arms, I tried to lose me in him, but I couldn't. I couldn't continue to do this to him, I had to let him go, and I had to be able to let me go of him, from what he is to me. When our kiss broke, we were both panting. He continued to stare at me, his forehead pressed against mine. "Please stay with me," at this moment I couldn't feel more than my heart squeezing more and more, breathing was practically impossible, and I was at all costs undoing the knot in my throat.
"I don't want you, Kyle, I never wanted you in the same way as you want me," I said to him with a blank expression in my eyes, all the muscles of my face were tense and those words, they cut everything I have inside of me, leaving me totally dead.
There was nothing left of me. There was no hope for me or for my life anymore.
His arms fell around me, he pulled his forehead from mine, ran his left hand through his hair to the back of his neck, turned his back, and went to the GMC without saying a single word.
I got mine, and when he gave enough space, I pulled away at full speed. But then my eyes went up to the reviewer mirror, and I saw him sitting on the edge of the sidewalk with his head completely down.
What did I do to him? Do I have to destroy all that is around me? Tears began to build up into my eyes and soon after streamed down my cheeks.
I pull the car over on the side of the road, everything was getting blurred, and I couldn't go on, in any of the aspects of my life!
I let out all the tears inside me in the hope that the pain would disappear. But always the image of Kyle sitting, upside down all alone, the pain seemed to grow more and more inside me.
I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket.
Panic invaded my stomach! Is it him?
On the screen of my cell phone, Patrick's name came up, and I was able to relax for a fraction of a second. I wiped away my tears, cleared my throat; "Patrick?"
"What are you doing?" I pushed the phone off my ear to see the time, it was almost six o'clock in the morning, and I knew that Patrick had just gotten out of the night shift.
"I'm going to meet you at Zamperini to have breakfast with you," I lied to him, I couldn't tell him that I had spent the night out, much less that I had been with Kyle.
"Seriously?" He asked me in amazement.
"Yeah, babe, give me 10 minutes, I'm almost there." I turned the call off even before my voice, and my pain betrayed me.
I threw the cell phone to the passenger seat, and I moved on, leaving Kyle behind. My Kyle hurt and plunged into the sadness and loneliness of the last words I told him.
I will not cry! I am not going to cry! I repeated times and countless times in my head.
When I got to the airport, I parked my car and went to Patrick who was waiting for me at the front door. How am I supposed to behave after what happened between Kyle and me? Should I tell him? I asked myself as I walked towards him.
No, no, I cannot tell him, I cannot tell him what happened, otherwise if I do, I'll take away the only person who really cares about me, who came to me when nobody else did it!
I need to be the perfect girlfriend for Patrick, so he never feels the need to leave me. This was going to break me, and I would cease to have a purpose in my life. I have to focus on him and only him, no one else, not even me.
Convinced of my plan, as soon as I got to the edge of Patrick, I showed him my best smile, and I kissed him passionately, or at least I tried to make it so.
Then, Patrick lifted me off the ground and gave me a tight hug.
"I miss you, babe," I told him against his lips. I could feel the line of his lips forming a smile so genuine that it only made me feel more guilty about what I did, it's not right to fool a person like that. Especially when that person loves you and does everything for you.
Damn you, Kyle!
"I miss you too," he told me as he put me down.
"Where do you want to go to breakfast?" He asked me.
"I don't know any place here, so wherever you decide to go for me is fine," I replied with a smile ripped to my lips.
This is going to be harder than I expected, it seems I'm living two lives. On one side I have a life with my boyfriend who loves me above anything, and I'm learning to do the same for him, on the other hand, I have a story with Kyle about to end. Two people who love each other separated and destroyed by a love that cannot be more than a mere dream, cannot be more than an "if”...
"You know what we could do?" Patrick asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts, and before we left the airport.
"No, what do you have in mind?"
"We could pick up breakfast at any place on the way home, and when we got there, we'd both take a shower, go down to the kitchen, have our breakfast, and then go to bed." I looked at him and nod into the approval of his idea.
I understand that he is tired and that it should not be easy to work at night, I wanted so bad that he didn't work at night...
Seriously, my routine since I came to live with him is nothing more than drinking during nights he is not with me, drinking and smoking when he wakes up after the night shift, dinner anything and either he will work, or when he is on day shift, my routine reverses itself, and I drink during the day when he is not, then he came home, and we had dinner with the boys, and we all gathered in the living room and stayed there for another four or five hours smoking and drinking.
This is a trick of life, and I know the best thing for me would be to change or at least keep me busy, so I could sleep at night and stay more active during the day, like, having a more normal routine, I think!
Speaking of the day, the sun is starting to rise in the sky, and I wonder if Kyle is still on the marina.
I'm missing a beautiful spectacle of the rising sun, tearing the sky and painting it with all colors.
I should have stayed with him.
No, you shouldn't, you have a boyfriend—My conscience remind me.
chapter twenty-four
kyle
The sun is already rising, and she should be here, by my side.
Why does she have to be so stubborn? Why can't she see that we were meant to be together?
I knew she could crush me in seconds, but, I never thought she really did. It wasn't supposed to happen like this!
I am defeated by her last words; "I never wanted you the way you want me" the few strengths I still have, were enough just to get up to my feet. Not that it would make much difference because on the inside... Inside it seems like a hurricane passed through me and took everything I still had.
I start down the bridged and walk towards the yacht; I still have to clean that bottle she left broken on the floor.
How could she lie to me like that? Why is she doing this to me? With us?
We should be together this time and not apart!
When I get on the yacht, I look at the U shaped couch where less than half an hour ago she was there with me, my lips were connected to hers, and I swear a little more time with me, and I could get her to come back to me and to her house where she should be and not anywhere.
I lay down on the couch looking at the wooden ceiling, why am I always one step away from losing her a little more?
The scent of honey begins to invade my nostrils. This was the cushion where she had her head down! Her scent... How I missed her smell, her smile, the sound of her voice.
Everything she is to me, I miss every day. Every day I wake up, and I always have the feeling that something else is missing inside me, to feel complete, happy even.
It's her, I know it!
I grab that little cushion and put my nose in it, close my eyes and imagine myself in her arms.
"Kyle!?" I hear her calling for me, but her voice is different, it's more... "Hey man wakes up," says that voice again.
I open my eyes and the person in front of me is not Neva, it's Owen.
What the hell is he doing here?
I sit on the couch; "What time is it?" I asked him, rubbing my eyes and trying to process what's happening.
I could feel my voice become hoarse. How did I get this way?
"Almost noon. Have you been drinking?" He asked me.
"No, of course not, you know me, I don't drink." Almost noon? I don’t remember to fall asleep.
I've never been a person who drinks alcohol, I've always focused on just two things, Neva and school. The parties I give at my house are just things I do because I don't like to feel alone, plus, I am a jock, and because of that I always feel obliged to throws parties once in a while. I find them a bit stupid, but the people I know seem to enjoy going to parties and drinking until they are completely drunk!
"Then why does it smell like whiskey in here, and why is there a broken bottle on the floor?"
Owen sometimes reminds me of Neva, the two of them are always asking questions behind questions.
They are both stubborn and full of questions at all the time.
"Because…" - I sighed - "She was here! Your sister." I told him, letting my defeated head fall to face the ground where I can still see not only the pieces of glass from the bottle but the pieces of my heart there, shattered.
"What? She was here?" He started pacing. "What the hell did you to make her left?"
Why does he assume it was me that made her leave? I didn't do anything wrong, she’s always been the stubborn one!
"Nothing Owen, I didn't do anything okay!?" I answered as I got up off the couch to face him. He could not blame me for this.