DEFINE what’s on the table in the deal.
DECIDE what’s important to you and what’s not.
HAVE reasons why those things are important to you.
ALWAYS have a plan B so your hand isn’t forced.
IF possible, let the other person open the negotiation.
WORK together rather than digging your heels in.
CREATE a deal that reflects what you both value.
STOP negotiating when the bulk of the deal is defined.
SECRET 35
How to Handle Alarming E-mails
Like all communications media, e-mail is imperfect. Like most written media it’s ill suited to convey emotion accurately, unless the writer is extremely talented. In addition, e-mail’s immediacy makes ill-considered messages inevitable.
This secret explains how to handle three common types of e-mail message that are disturbing to receive and that, if you handle them poorly, can damage your relationships or your career:
1. THE OMINOUS CALL REQUEST
This is when you get a very short message from somebody in authority (such as your boss or a big customer) suggesting that something is wrong and requires your attention, but without providing any details. Examples:
“We need to talk.”
“Please call me.”
“Big problem.”
Since the e-mail is from somebody important, your first reaction is probably to pick up the phone. This is a mistake, for two reasons.
First, while you may be able to guess what’s going on, you don’t know for certain, so there’s a good chance you’ll be blindsided. Worst case, you may enter the conversation by addressing a problem that doesn’t exist, or didn’t until you brought it up.
Second, even if your guess is correct, you don’t know enough about how the other person sees the situation to have a productive conversation.
Your best strategy is therefore to provide some times in the near future when conversation can take place, and ask the other person for some details so you can adequately prepare. For example, suppose you get this:
Example:
From: Big Boss
Subject: Conversation
We need to talk.
WRONG RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Conversation
BB: Calling you now.
RIGHT RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Conversation
BB: I’ll be free to talk in about 30 minutes. Could you give me an idea of what we’ll be discussing, so I can make certain the conversation is productive?
This approach has two advantages. First, you might be able to handle the problem via e-mail, which allows you more time to think about your responses. Second, if you do end up having the conversation, you’ll be less likely to make things worse.
2. THE PROVOCATIVE ARGUMENT
Sometimes e-mails are full of “facts” and “observations” that are contrary to your current understanding, consist of out-and-out errors, or contain skewed versions of events or conversations.
For example, suppose you get an e-mail from a coworker accusing you of mishandling a situation that you’re pretty certain you handled well.
Your first reaction will probably be a desire to shoot back a withering e-mail providing your side of the argument, and expressing your anger and irritation at having been accused of something untrue and stupid.
However, the result of acting in such a defensive manner is that you can find yourself embroiled in a he-said/she-said e-mail war. Worst case, other people get copied on the e-mail stream, which brings them into the argument.
Rather than taking umbrage and thereby creating more conflict, it’s wiser to express that you’re confused, need clarification of the facts, and are willing to work on the problem. For example, suppose you receive the following e-mail:
Example:
Subject: Missing Information
You were supposed to provide a requirements document to my department by the end of last week and I haven’t seen anything yet. As a result, my engineering group can’t make its deadlines.
WRONG RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Missing Information
cc: [Big Boss]
The engineering group’s deadlines aren’t my concern. If you needed the requirements document by last week, you should have said something two weeks ago. I’m frankly a bit tired of you blaming me for these communications breakdowns.
RIGHT RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Missing Information
I’m confused about this situation because I was not aware that you needed the requirements documents in that time frame. It will take several days to get the requirements together; what’s the best way to get engineers back on track?
3. THE FLAME-O-GRAM
These are e-mails chock-full of raw, uncensored negative emotions. They’re the electronic equivalent of somebody screaming at you. (See “Secret 7. How to Cope with a Bully.”)
After reading this type of e-mail, it’s hard not to feel angry in return, or hurt that somebody would be so unkind, or even secretly pleased, because now you have documentation that the other person is a jackass.
However, your best response to flame-o-grams is a combination of empathy and professionalism.
Empathy is appropriate because, in almost every case, whoever sent the e-mail probably regretted it about two seconds after hitting “send.” On the other hand, you can’t ignore the tone of the e-mail or you’re telling the sender that it’s OK to vent at you. And that’s where your professionalism comes in.
Your challenge is to read through the emotion and find the real problem, so you can address it. At the same time, you must set boundaries so the flamer knows further flames will not be tolerated. For example, suppose you receive the following e-mail:
Example:
Subject: Huge Problem
I can’t believe that you guys !$%#! things up so badly again. I just spent an hour on the phone with IBM—our biggest customer—trying to undo the damage that you idiots did to the contract!
WRONG RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Huge Problem
I’m really sorry and am doing everything I can to make it better.
RIGHT RESPONSE:
Subject: re: Huge Problem
I understand that you’re upset and I am addressing the problem. That being said, the tone of your e-mail and some of the language you used were unprofessional. I’m sure you’ll understand if I ignore any future e-mails that are similarly worded.
Important: wait at least three hours before sending the response. You want to give the hothead some time to cool down (and start feeling stupid) before you draw the boundaries.
SHORTCUT
ALARMING E-MAILS
ASK for clarification of cryptic conversation requests.
PLEAD confusion to avoid head-to-head confrontation.
IF flamed, address the problem but set boundaries.
PART VI
How to Handle Emergencies
Sometimes “business as usual” isn’t. Sooner or later you find yourself in a situation where the normal rules don’t apply or where you need quick assistance to fix a problem.
Your ability to deal with such emergencies often depends on how well you’ve prepared yourself. For example, many emergencies lose their urgency if you’ve laid the groundwork to quickly find another job (see “Secret 22. How to Achieve Career Security”).
That being said, sometimes you need a quick action plan to overcome problems or set your career back on track. This part of the book covers the seven most crucial ones:
“What to Do If You Hate Your Job” provides a step-by-step process that lets you make certain your negative emotions don’t get in the way of either enjoying what you can about your current job or finding a job that suits you better.
“What to Do If You’ve Screwed Up” explains how to keep your wits about you when you’ve made a public mistake, how to keep yourself from making the situation worse, and finally how to apologize effectively and move on.
“What to Do in a Personal Crisis” is a plan for coping with disasters and problems that suddenly pop up in your personal life. It helps free up the time you’ll need to cope, without creating additional problems at work.
“What to Do If There’s a Layoff” helps you identify when a layoff is coming and how you should maneuver and position yourself so it’s least likely to affect you, while you simultaneously seek a better job elsewhere.
“What to Do If You’re Stressed Out” explains why you can’t afford to have constant stress in your life, followed by a recipe for removing most, if not all, of the stress from your work environment.
“What to Do If You’re Fearful” provides a step-by-step method for moving forward with your plans and goals, even when you’re afraid that you might not succeed at the highest level.
“What to Do If You Feel Rejected” is first aid for the debilitating worry that other people might not like or respect you. You’ll learn not just how to ignore rejection, but how to use it to your advantage.
SECRET 36
What to Do If You Hate Your Job
Many people hate their jobs. However, while it is common for people to hate their jobs, it is not normal. This is an important distinction. If you believe that it’s normal to hate your job, then you’ll believe people who don’t hate their jobs are abnormal.
In reality, some people love their jobs passionately, some hate their jobs passionately, but the majority are shades of indifferent. The process below gets you to this point of indifference (at least), thereby laying the groundwork for finding a job that better suits you:
1. UNDERSTAND THE CORE PROBLEM.
You’re probably certain you’ve got great reasons for hating your job: your boss, your coworkers, your customers, your staff, the repetitiveness, the unpredictability, the long hours, the low pay, whatever.
Those things may be very real challenges, but before you can change them, you’ve got to get at the core problem, which is the fact that you’ve let your feelings about your work degenerate into hate, or something that resembles it.
Some people believe that hating a job can be the motivation to get a new one. Maybe so, but there are two problems with this theory: First, hatred is debilitating rather than motivating. Hating consumes mental and emotional energy that could be better spent finding a job that suits you better. That’s why so many people who hate their jobs never seem to do anything about it.
Second, hating your current job makes it more likely that, if you leave, you’ll end up in a job that you hate just as much, because when you leave, you’ll be taking your emotions with you. As you interview for another job, your hate (and consequent desperation) will cling to you, and your potential future employer will probably sense that something is off.
For example, I have a friend who over a decade had a series of jobs that he hated because (as he put it) “everyone I work for turns out to be a jerk.” However, since those jobs were in different industries, what all the jobs had in common was… him.
His anger at his bosses became a self-fulfilling prophesy. When interviewing, he was unable to hide the fact that he blamed his former bosses for his failures. As a result, the only people who’d hire him were lousy bosses who were accustomed to being hated.
The core problem, then, is not your job or your boss or your coworkers, but your emotional reaction to them. You may very well be working in a crummy job, but that’s an even better reason to get your emotions under control so you can more easily find something better.
2. CHANGE YOUR MENTAL VOCABULARY.
Many people believe that they experience emotions and then, in order to describe those emotions, select the words that seem the most descriptive. That’s true as far as it goes, but there’s more to the equation.
Because your mind associates certain words with certain emotions, your words have power to create those emotions as well as describe them. The word hate is particularly intense, so the more frequently you think, “I hate my job,” the more hatred you create.
Therefore, your first step in getting out of the state of hatred is to select other, less intense words to describe your experience. Here are a few to choose from:
“I’m uncomfortable in this job.”
“I’m not well suited for this job.”
“I find some parts of my job annoying.”
Whenever you hear yourself saying (either to yourself or others) that you “hate” your job, force yourself to substitute the weaker, less intense words. Similarly, suppose you “hate your boss.” Rather than fill yourself up with a toxic emotion, weaken it by using phrases that create a more neutral reaction, like these:
“My boss isn’t good with people.”
“My boss has a skewed set of priorities.”
“My boss and I sometimes don’t see eye to eye.”
De-intensifying the vocabulary that you use to describe your situation doesn’t change your situation, of course, but it does keep you from making the experience even worse by over-dramatizing it.
3. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR JOB.
There’s no question that some jobs are truly horrible. However, unless you’re in a truly exceptional situation, there are some parts of your job that you can manage to like and enjoy. Fortunately, now that you’ve stopped hypnotizing yourself with hatred, you’ll be free to notice them.
List them out, regardless of how small they seem. See how many you can come up with. Make a game out of it, a challenge. Even seemingly trivial stuff is worth listing. Here are some ideas to get you started:
The first cup of coffee.
The smile I get from the receptionist each day.
Knowing that I helped a customer.
Listening to audiobooks during the commute.
Realizing I’ve done my best in a difficult situation.
Paid vacations and sick days.
The second cup of coffee.
Knowing I’m paying my dues.
Knowing this is temporary and therefore bearable.
Being amazed and amused at how silly people can be.
Learning something new about business every day.
The pleasure of shrugging off nonsense that used to drive me nuts.
My first cup of decaf.
When you’ve completed your list, stick a copy of it on your bathroom mirror. Read your list aloud right when you get up and just before you go to bed. Doing so will improve your performance in your current job, making you more valuable both to your current employer and to any future employer. Focusing on the positive will also help provide extra energy that will prove useful in the final step.
4. FIND A JOB THAT BETTER SUITS YOU.
If there’s a mismatch between what you need and want, and what your current job is providing to you, you owe it to yourself (not to mention your boss and your current coworkers) to find a different job.
Elsewhere in this book, you’ll find “Secret 24. How to Find Your Dream Job” and “Secret 25. How to Land a Job Interview.” You’ll find those techniques far easier to execute when you’re coming from a place of dissatisfaction and amusement rather than hatred and desperation.
SHORTCUT
IF YOU HATE YOUR JOB
YOUR hate is probably keeping you in the job you hate.
REDUCE your hate by de-intensifying the words you use.
FREQUENTLY repeat everything you like about your job.
USE your better attitude to help you find a better job.
SECRET 37
What to Do If You’ve Screwed Up
In the heat of the moment, we blurt out something we wish we hadn’t or send an e-mail laced with profanity. Under pressure to perform, we provide half-baked information that leads to bad decisions. Or some other screwup.
Screwing up is part of life. Even great geniuses make mistakes. When you do screw up, however, what’s important isn’t the screwup (that’s history), but what you do afterward. Here’s a step-by-step approach:
1. TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
The moment you realize you’ve made a big mistake is usually not the best time to take action to correct it. Any action you take when you’re in panic mode is likely to make the problem worse.
For example, suppose you blurt out in a meeting with your boss and Customer A that your company gave Customer B a huge discount. You immediately realize that bringing up that discount means Customer A will probably demand a similar discount.
Trying to recover on the spot is a bad idea. If you tell the customer, “Of course, big discounts aren’t our usual policy,” you’ll only call more attention to the discount. Same thing if you apologize to your boss the moment the two of you leave the meeting.
When you realize you’ve blundered, your first priority is to get yourself into a resourceful state of mind so you can take the right action rather than the first action that comes to mind.
So if at all possible take a deep breath, shake yourself out, maybe go for a short walk. Get a little distance from the situation before you react.
In the example above, delaying your reaction gives the situation some time to play out. Perhaps Customer A is less concerned with discounts than with quick delivery, for instance, and thus never brings the matter up.
But suppose Customer A does demand a discount. In this case you might point out to your boss that big discounts have a tendency to become public knowledge anyway and that by bringing it up, you were preventing a future problem in the relationship with Customer A.
Business Without the Bullsh*t Page 15