by Kim Bailey
“You really want that?” She asks in a whisper.
“Hell, yes. Jamie, I know it’s all mixed up - the way we’ve met, with everything in our lives feeling so precarious. And I know that you’ve said you’re not sure about where things are going, or where you’re headed. I know you’re uncertain about me but I’m not uncertain about you.”
“I’m not uncertain about you, Eric. It’s me that I’m not sure of. I don’t know if I can handle anything more than what we’ve been doing. And I’m not really a very good person. I’ve done some really horrible things to get to where I’m at. You don’t know the half of it. I don’t think you’d like me very much if you knew all of my past.”
“Have you killed someone?” I ask seriously. Jamie looks at me like I have two heads. “Have you been an accomplice to murder?” Once again her puzzled expression is all the answer I need. “Jamie, I don’t care about the shit you’ve done in the past. Especially, since I know you did it to survive - for both yourself and your kid. Those things don’t matter. And no matter what you’ve done before, you’re a good person now. I know this. I’ve seen it. Honestly, I doubt the things you’ve done are half as bad as you think.”
Her face is a canvas of worried lines and wet tears. Her confusion gone, she speaks with conviction, “I stole things. Lots of things. More than just my dad’s car. I’ve lied. Over and over again, I’ve lied. I lied to get my job. I lied to keep my job. I lie to myself practically every day, just to keep going.”
“Jamie, lying and stealing to help put food on the table and a roof overhead are not the worst things I can think of,” I tell her sincerely.
“What about blackmail?” She demands. “I blackmailed Dylan’s mother. Shortly after I left home, I ran out of money. I couldn’t bring myself to just face the truth, to ask for help. I knew she was having an affair - she’d been at it for years. I knew, and I threatened to expose her. She paid me to keep quiet. What do you think about that?” It’s like she’s taunting me, daring me not to find fault.
“I think, knowing the little bit I do about Dylan and your situation, it was probably warranted.”
“Are you kidding me?” She exclaims, rather loudly, “How can you just brush those things aside? Blackmailing someone is ruthless and vindictive and not the type of thing that a good person does, no matter how desperate the situation.”
“Would you do it again?”
“What?”
“If you could go back and change it, make a different decision, would you?”
She pauses, only long enough to take a deep, fortifying breath. “No, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I’d do it again without question. My son has always been my highest priority. In that moment, I felt like it was my only real option.”
“Then, I think you’re exactly who I thought you were, all along.”
She’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. What kind of opinion does she think I’ve had of her this whole time?
“Are you still feeling lost, beautiful girl? Don't you know who you are?”
“I use to know. At least, I thought I did. Now, I’m not so sure,” she confides.
“Let me tell you who I think you are,” I demand, not allowing her protest, “I think you’re a really strong, independent woman. The type of person who’d do anything for the people you love, even if those things make you feel bad about yourself. You’re honest when it counts, with the people that matter. The type of person who looks at a sick kid and doesn’t turn away because it’s too scary or upsetting to deal with. The type of person who treats that sick kid like any other kid on the planet, with love and kindness. I think you’re fun, mischievous, and sexy as hell.
“I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, Jamie. And, I’m not just talking about your face, or your ass – which I also happen to think is pretty fantastic, by the way - I’m talking about you. You are a goddamn beautiful person. I’m actually kind of jealous of how awesome you are.
“You’re the kind of woman I want in my life. For real.”
The loud clearing of a throat interrupts from behind me. I’m reluctant to turn away from Jamie’s astonished expression. I don’t care who our audience is, her reaction’s too important.
Her cheeks are heated red again, her brow drawn tight, her sexy mouth hanging slightly open. She’s pure, lovely innocence. No matter how corrupt she claims to be, no matter how devious her mind, no matter how eager her body, her heart is truly virtuous. She’s perfection. I can’t tear my eyes away from hers, especially not when I’ve put so much of myself out in the open for her. Not when I’m vulnerable, my heart in my throat, waiting to hear what she’s going to say in reply. Not when, for a moment - just a split second in time - she looks like she wants to agree. Like she wants to say yes to trying.
Say yes to me.
But instead of responding, her misty blue eyes travel over my shoulder to the intrusion behind me. The look of love that shines through her features wipes the uncertainty from her brow. I’m guessing Hunter’s found us. Her look is one I’d imagine she reserves for those she loves most.
When it’s Dylan who speaks from behind me, my heart stalls in my chest.
“You always have been pretty awesome,” he drawls.
What the hell? Is she looking at him with that love in her eyes?
“Maybe your awesomeness can forgive me? I somehow got coerced,” he pleads.
I have no idea what he’s been wrangled into, but I find it doubtful that his domineering arrogance would allow him to be talked into much.
“It’s okay.” Jamie smiles with her sparkling eyes. “I was waiting.”
This hurts. It shouldn’t fucking hurt. Not like this. Not so much. But fuck, it does. The worst part is, I saw this coming. I’ve been mentally preparing since day one. I knew, with a child between them and a lifetime of a back and forth relationship, there was a good possibility Jamie would get back with Dylan. I guess I just didn’t expect to witness it firsthand. I wasn’t prepared to see her looking at him with that love and adoration on her face.
Hanging my head, I close my eyes in defeat. I can’t bear witness to any more. I can’t stand to watch as she dumps my first attempt at having a future right back in my lap.
“Sorry, but I really did try to give you more time,” he begs further.
Fuck him. More time? I haven’t had nearly enough time. I will never have enough time.
“No, this is good,” Jamie reassures sweetly, “I mean, nothing is good right now but having all of you here is really kind of good.”
All of you?
Turning quickly, I come face to face with Dylan. His look of superiority - the look I can’t help but picture him with - is missing. In reality, he looks sincerely guilty.
Movement from behind him forces my focus to the hallway, where Hunter stands, along with Celeste, who’s pushing Caleb in a wheelchair.
What the hell? And, fucking thank you!
I now recognize the emotion on Jamie’s face. It’s a look of devoted gratitude and cherished appreciation, and it’s directed at all the people coming to rally behind her, in her time of need. My face may hold a similar look right now - it’s truly comforting to have them all here. Even Dylan. He seems to be the one who made it all possible.
And now I feel like an asshole.
My sick brother, my bossy sister, Jamie’s son, and her ex-boyfriend have gathered to support her as she deals with her impending loss. Here I am, trying to selfishly convince her that we should be starting a relationship. What kind of douchebag am I? I deserve all the names Caleb will be calling me later.
Dylan steps aside, allowing Jamie to take her son in her arms.
Kissing the top of his head she asks, “Was this your idea?”
“Actually it was all my idea,” Caleb commends himself. “Hope it’s not too overwhelming for you but I figured you could use better company than Eric. Clearly, he still hasn’t picked up any of my cool. Sorry. I’ve tried. But I guess he’s just
not capable of being smooth, like me.”
Jamie laughs.
She actually manages to laugh.
Caleb may be a goddamn shit-disturber, but I’ve never been more thankful for it.
“I hope it’s okay,” Celeste asks in an unusually reserved and pleasant manner.
“Are you kidding?” Jamie exclaims, “I’m thrilled! I can’t tell you how much it means to have the company.”
“We don’t plan on staying long,” Dylan announces, “Hunter wanted to see you before we leave. He’s going to stay the night with me. Assuming that’s alright with you. I just figured it would be best.”
Interesting that Dylan comes up with this idea, now that I’ve fed it to him. He was perfectly willing to leave it all up to Jamie before I called, reminding him he had an obligation.
Even more interesting, the odd look on my sister’s face as she watches the interaction between Dylan and Jamie. It’s not a look I’ve ever seen her with. Jamie turns back to Hunter, after nodding her consent to Dylan but Celeste continues watching Dylan with that strange look in her eye. Like she’s interested.
Jesus Christ.
My sister’s fallen for the uniformed alpha-male charm. Not something I would have ever seen coming. Good thing she’s married, I would not want to worry about her chasing after him.
“Do you want to meet him?” Jamie asks Hunter warily.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so,” Hunter’s timid expression, highlighted by his increasing proximity to his mother, and the death grip he has on her hands.
Jamie looks uncertainly to Dylan but when she only gets a shrug from him, she quickly averts her gaze to me. Silently, she begs for guidance. She’s admitted her doubts to me but asking for help seems like it’s still out of her comfort zone.
“Your mom just wants to do the right thing for you,” I say with authority. I can’t stop myself from wanting to do the right thing as well. “If you think it’s too scary to see him, that’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“We all get scared sometimes,” Caleb consoles.
With his wide eyes full of recognition, Hunter looks us all over. He takes his time evaluating us all in turn before stopping back at Jamie. “Okay. I can face my fear,” he says determinedly, “Can you go first, mom? And can Eric bring me in a minute?”
“Eric?” Jamie asks me, obviously shocked by her son’s request.
I nod my head to Jamie but answer Hunter, “Yeah bud, that’s cool.”
After an awkward moment of silence amongst us all, Jamie leans down to hug Caleb, whispering something in his ear.
Caleb’s relaxed laughter surprises me. It’s fabulous to see the genuine smile return to his face. He’s always been the one doing the charming but now I can see how avidly he’s been charmed by Jamie.
Without another glance, Jamie walks off to her dad’s room.
“Well, you’ll know where to find us,” Celeste calls to me as she turns Caleb back toward his room. “Don’t rush back, big brother.” Her demanding tone isn’t much softer than normal but I understand the loving context.
With a final, oddly shy look toward Dylan she walks away, leaving Dylan and me alone with Hunter.
“Bye Caleb!” Hunter calls, “See you later.”
Caleb’s response is lost to me, I’m too busy staring down Dylan. He may be here, helping the best he knows how, but I still don’t like the guy. I don’t like that he has to be prompted to be here. I don’t like that he still looks at Jamie like he’s remembering how it feels to be inside of her. I don’t like that my sister has eyes for him. But these are all my own issues - if I want something real between me and Jamie, I’ll have to learn to deal with them.
“I’ll just wait here in the lounge,” he says flatly, “I’ll take Hunter back with me whenever you guys are done.”
Ignoring his badly hidden contempt, I focus my energy on Hunter. It’s just him and me and the ball of fear he’s trying desperately to get under control. His request for me to be his wingman may have caught me off guard but it builds me up at the same time. Having a purpose, something I can do, makes me feel less like a helpless bystander. Giving the kid my support is easy.
“You nervous?” I try to get him talking.
“A little.”
“Was there something you needed before we go in there?”
“No. I just wanted to talk to you, in private.” His eyes are sharp, his features intense. “About my mom and you.”
I’m prepared for the lecture. If the hard glare he’s given me on and off since this morning is any indication, I’m in for a good one.
“She doesn’t know what’s happening with you, does she?” Once again, I’m thrown off by this whip smart kid.
“No, she doesn’t.”
“Well, when were you planning on telling her?” Without giving me time to answer, Hunter lowers his voice further, making his warning clear. “Don’t you think you better make it soon, Eric? Good friends don’t hide things from each other. Friends that kiss, especially shouldn’t hide things,” he says with an insolent smirk.
“Noted.”
“Don’t let fear be the thing to hold you back.”
Leaving me in stunned silence, Hunter heads toward his grandfather’s room. He’s right. I honestly hadn’t thought of this. But he’s right.
“Hunter,” I call to him before he reaches the doorway. I catch him in four quick strides. “It’s not fear that’s holding me back. At least, not the kind of fear you’re thinking of. My fear’s not about your mom. It’s about Caleb.”
“Yeah, I know,” he says in confidence, “I’m not afraid to go in here and meet my grandfather. That doesn’t scare me. What I am afraid of, is how my mom’s going to handle it when he dies. She’s tough, but I don’t think that’s always a good thing.
“See what I’m saying? It doesn’t matter what scares me. Fear is fear.”
This kid and his insight put me to shame. “You’re right. Fear is fear. But you don’t need to worry. I don’t plan on leaving your mom alone. I promise you I’ll be with her. And, I promise I’ll tell her everything.”
“I know you will. But can you please promise me one more thing? Can you just give me a warning next time you two decide to lock lips. Witnessing that was seriously disturbing.”
“Hey dude, she kissed me. I cannot be held responsible for my reaction to that.”
“Stop! I don’t want to hear any more. You can have the sex talk with me in like three years, okay? I’m not ready for that yet. Let me just stay in my childhood innocence for a while longer.”
Our laughter is genuine, but short lived. Our mood turns somber as Hunter looks toward the door. Straightening his shoulders, he declares, “Let’s go meet my grandfather.”
I don’t tell him that I’ve already met Frank Hartley. I don’t tell him how brave I think he is. I don’t tell him that, despite both our hopes for the future, this could be the last time we ever see each other.
Instead, I put my arm around his shoulder and encourage, “Let’s do this.”
I always thought my father’s death would be a tumultuous event. He was such a demanding and volatile person throughout much of his life, I guess I just figured his death would be equally as loud and abrupt.
But it’s not.
He slips away silently sometime in the early morning hours, as I sit by his bedside, holding his limp and lifeless hand.
The timing is almost exactly what the nurses told me to expect. It’s like they had a clock that was counting down the minutes to his final breath. Or maybe they just know the amount of morphine that can be pumped into someone’s system before the failing body finds it intolerable and decides to shut down for good.
He never regained consciousness after his words of regret and forcing my promise to give my son a family. He didn’t open his eyes to meet Hunter for the first time. My son stared at his grandfather’s sleeping form for, what felt like, an eternity.
God, I hope that doesn’t mes
s my kid up too hard. Every time I think of this past week and a half, and all of the shit that Hunter has gone through - I get visions of him in a failed future, looking back and blaming it all on me. Like this one turbulent week could be the pivot point in his life. His dying grandfather could be the memory that sticks with him, leading him down a path of ruin.
But so far, Hunter is much stronger and adaptable than I ever imagined. It feels like he’s growing up so quickly. Watching him walk through the door of his grandfather’s hospital room with zero trepidation, he was barely recognizable as my little boy. He’s becoming a young man. If I look closely enough, I can see the evolution taking place as he matures day by day. With Eric following behind him, Hunter seemed to be leading in more ways than one. I think maybe he’s going to surpass me in his resilience. I think maybe he already has.
When I voiced my concerns, telling Hunter I was worried about all the things he’s had to witness, he just hugged me hard and told me he loved me. When I asked if he was disappointed that he didn’t really get to meet his grandfather, he reminded me that the phone call they’d shared was not only a great meeting but an impactful moment in his life - one that he’ll likely never forget.
That moment had impact for us all. It was like my father needed to do one last good thing. One act of kindness to help balance out all the mean and ugly.
I hope he tipped his scale far enough, before leaving this earth. He managed to make a good impression on Hunter, giving him a few parting words of wisdom - whatever that’s worth.
I’d wanted my dad to be happy with me before he went. I’d secretly hoped to make amends for the shit we’d put each other through. I’d hoped to lay not just our own ghosts, but the ghosts of my mother and sister to rest. Who knows, maybe in his mind some of that was accomplished. Maybe talking to my wonderful boy and seeing me here was enough to give him some peace to carry him through to the next life. Maybe he’ll be able to tell mom and Trina all about the miracle I managed to bring into this world. Or maybe none of it counts and I’ll just have to learn how to put all those old ghosts to rest on my own.