by Kim Bailey
“No.” His expression is unwavering. I’m not certain which part he’s objecting too, hopefully the part about planning my death.
“Okay, well at least let me get you a drink.”
“No, Jamie. I don’t want you to move from this spot. I came here to tell you something, and you’re going to stand here and listen.”
What the hell. He’s never spoken to me like this.
I’ve seen Eric in all sorts of emotional scenarios but this is something new. He’s never been cruel, so I should have nothing to fear. Still, I can’t help the twinge of anxiety that his words elicit, even if his demanding tone has caused another type of reaction in my body.
“You can’t run away from me, Jamie. I won’t let you. You can’t just run off without a goddamn word and think that I won’t chase you down.” His breathing’s hard. “You left me lying unconscious on an operating table for fuck sake!” The anger radiating off him, merciless. “My mother was in tears when she told me you’d come back here, and I was too drug-hazed to make sense of the possible reasons why.” Any remaining weakness from the procedure, overruled by his fierce determination. “Worst of all, they wouldn’t let me out of the hospital! They wouldn’t let me drive to chase you down!” He’s so sexy, it’s disgusting. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“Eric.” My voice is soft and full of apology.
“I’m not done!” His savage growl prompts me to shut my mouth, allowing him to continue. “I mean that, Jamie. I’m not done with you. And I’m not going to let you be done with me, either. I know you’re scared and I know that you’ve dealt with more than any one person should have to deal with in life. And, I know you probably still think that this thing between us was just momentary. A fling. A distraction.”
Pulling a hand roughly through his hair, his brow draws tight. “But it’s not. It’s none of those things. Hell, I don’t think it ever was any of those things.” His voice wavers with emotion. His stare, openly vulnerable. “Jamie, beautiful girl, I’m in fucking love with you. I don’t want to lose you. I refuse to let you go.”
God, this man. He has no idea what he does to me.
“Are you done?” I ask after a moment of broiling silence.
“Really? That’s your reaction? After everything I’ve just told you and that’s how you’re going to play it?” He rages.
“Eric,” I raise my own voice in response, “Did you not notice that you’re standing beside a giant stack of boxes?”
He seems caught off guard by my heated response to his declaration. But he does now take the time to look at his surroundings.
The wall is lined with the boxes, prepped for the movers. If he stepped all the way into the apartment, he’d see the only things left standing are the furniture and appliances. Practically everything else is packed and ready to go.
“What …” He seems a bit confused.
“Did you really think I’d just run away? Without even saying goodbye?”
“Yes! I thought you were scared.”
“I am. I’m really, hugely scared,” I confess, “I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. Not even when I was pregnant and alone. I’m terrified because, for the first time in a long time, I’ve opened myself up to someone else. I’m putting my heart and my future in someone else’s hands.”
Clasping my hands tightly together under my chin, I’m begging, pleading, praying he understands. “There’s just one thing that scares me more than all of that – and it’s the thought of running away again - the thought of shutting myself away. I couldn’t do it. My heart wouldn’t survive being locked up, now that it knows what it would be missing.”
His eyes burn into mine, searching for the truth of my words. Covering the short distance between us, I take his face in my hands. Kissing him lightly, I whisper, “I’m really in fucking love with you too.”
Honest words. The truest ones I’ve given him. Without pretense or prelude. They squeeze past his vulnerable anger, physically jolting him as they sink in.
Trapping my waist in his sublimely strong grip, he pulls me into a snug fit with his body - right where I belong. And then he kisses me.
He kisses me wildly. He kisses me deeply. He kisses me with all the amazing complexity that I’ve come to anticipate every time his mouth gets close to mine.
Pulling away, he growls at me, “You’re not running away from me.”
“No baby, I’m not. I’m running toward you. Looking to the future might be scary but I know that I want you in it. That’s practically all I know but at least that part’s solid. I’m still working out most of the other details.”
“Goddamn, I am a douche canoe,” he chastises.
“No you’re not. I should have told you what I was planning. I’m the douchebag for leaving the way I did. But honestly, I didn’t make the decision until yesterday morning and I thought I might have already messed things up. I didn’t want to start such a big conversation on Day Zero. Yesterday wasn’t supposed to be about me - it was about Caleb.”
“Okay. But couldn’t you have waited?”
“I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t. I just couldn’t stand the thought of waiting and worrying in that hospital another day. You showed me my path, Eric. I didn’t want to wait to take it.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I feel like a prick.”
“Can I make a confession?” I feel the blush crawl up my cheeks. “I kind of like it when you’re demanding. Even when you’re a bit of a jerk. It turns me on.”
“Oh yeah? You turned on, beautiful girl?” He purrs at me with a wicked gleam in his eye.
“Maybe.”
Before I know what’s happening, Eric has me pinned with my back up against the door. His big body molds to mine as he takes my mouth with his own. An electric current runs up my spine, the eagerness to have him, fueling my desire. But this time, it’s not just physical. This time I feel like he’s fully mine - like his heart and soul belong to me.
With a handful of my hair, he tugs gently, exposing my neck as he licks, kisses and bites from my jaw down to my collarbone and back again. The shivers shooting through my body spur me into action, impatiently lifting his shirt up over his head and tossing it away. With an impatience of his own, Eric pushes my sleep shorts down my hips and over my ass, forcing them down my thighs, dropping them to the ground. I’m so turned on, I’m tempted to just wrap my legs around him and rub myself to orgasm. But Eric’s got the control right now. I trust him to take me there.
Pulling away from our kiss, he looks into my eyes, his hand claiming my sex. Lightly, he drags a single digit through my slickness, teasing my clit in passing. The way he examines me is a mix of knowing desire and mystified awe. Despite being trapped by him physically; he makes me feel like I have all the power.
“Tell me again,” I demand.
“What is it that you want to hear, beautiful? You want me to tell you that this body is pure sin and heaven all rolled into one?”
I shake my head no.
“You want me to tell you that I’m still pissed that you left without telling me why?”
I’m already calculating how to make up for that, so I shake my head no again.
“What is it then?” His voice softens, “You want to hear how much I love you? How I’ve been in love with you from the start? How, I’m never letting you go?”
“Yes,” I hiss as he plunges a finger deep inside my core. “Yes I want you to tell me that. I want you to show me that. Tell me you love me. Over and over again. I’m never going to get tired of hearing it.”
“Jamie, I love you. You’ll never have to ask me again. I’m going to show you every fucking day. And every fucking night.” He promises, adding another finger inside of me. “Three times on Sundays. I’m gonna love you so much you won’t be able to walk straight.”
His fingers move rhythmically. In minutes, I’m on the edge of orgasm. When I come on his hand,
he tells me he loves me. Between heavy and luxurious kisses, he whispers words of love. When he takes his cock out, sinking deeply into me, it’s with love on his lips. As he pumps desperately into me, I moan his name, and he answers with love. And when he comes deep inside me, only moments after my own dramatic release, he breathes a contented sigh of, “I fucking love you.”
We stand, still glued together, pressed up against my apartment door, his forehead resting on my own. I am the most satisfied and well-loved woman in the world. The proof was not just in his words but in every gesture, every kiss, every aching minute of pleasure.
“Eric?”
“Yeah, beautiful?”
“I love you.”
He laughs quietly as he smiles down at me. His sounds vibrate inside of me, highlighting all the places we’re still connected. Oh, the wonderful places we’re connected.
Fully connected. Without any barriers.
“Shit! Baby, we didn’t use a condom,” I warn him anxiously.
“I know. And it was awesome.” His smile stretches wider.
“It was? I mean, yeah, it was … but aren’t you worried?”
“Hell no. I’m relieved. You’re clean, I’m clean and I’m not giving up any more of my bone marrow, any time soon. There’s nothing to worry about, beautiful.”
“Pregnancy?”
“Honestly, I’m not worried about that. You said you’re covered - I trust you, Jamie.” He looks pointedly at me. “But even if I did knock you up, you should know I’m taking care of that. I will always take care of what’s mine. You are mine.” And just to prove his point he kisses me again while his still twitching erection grinds into me.
I am his. He trusts me. And I trust him.
“Well, just to give you fair warning. The last few days have not been my best. With so much going on and my schedule being so mixed up - I may have forgotten a pill or two. Getting me pregnant is a real possibility.”
“Are you going to be worried about it? Would it be terrible if it happened?”
“I don’t know.” I pause to give the idea full consideration. Would it be so terrible? “Maybe you scrambled my brain cells but I’m not worried at all.”
“Good. Let’s just enjoy this moment.”
Eyes closed, his lazy smile brings out those perfect dimples I’m so in love with. He looks well sated, like he could fall asleep standing.
“Maybe you’d like to come in and sit down now, you probably need to get off your feet before you fall over,” I voice my concern. I’m not even certain if he was supposed to be out of the hospital yet.
“You already questioning my virility?” He mocks. Pulling out of me, he swiftly lifts me off of my feet. “Never mind sitting down. It’s hot as hell in here, we need a shower. Point me in the right direction.”
A shower does sound fabulous, but when Eric takes a step with me in his arms, he staggers a little.
“Eric, put me down!”
“Fuck,” he groans. “Sorry, beautiful. You might have to walk there on your own. I’m in a bit of pain. I think my meds have worn off.”
“There’s a bottle of Tylenol in the bag, on the bathroom counter. Why don’t you go take some and get the shower started? I’ll try to find the towels.”
With everything neatly labeled, it doesn’t take me long to find the right box. Eric has the water running by the time I saunter back with two towels in hand.
“Holy shit!” I shout in horror, “Eric, your back!”
The sight has me wincing. His entire left hip and part of his lower back are covered by a gruesome bruise. It’s purple and blue and is swollen in spots - it looks painful as hell.
Looking in the mirror, Eric simply shrugs - like it was an everyday injury. “It’s actually not as bad as I thought it might be.”
“It looks like you’ve been in a fight. With a car.”
“Or like a doctor shoved a really big needle into my bone in five different spots and sucked liquid marrow out of me.”
“You’re a smartass,” I grumble. “Seriously baby, you should take it easy. You should let me take care of you.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m just in a bit of pain. But if you really want to take care of me, you should come get in the shower.” Fisting his already semi-hard length, he smirks. “You can take care of me. Then I can take care of you. And then, maybe we can move to the bed and try taking care of each other simultaneously for a while.”
Thank goodness we have another four hours before the movers are due to arrive. I have a feeling we’ll be using a lot of that time in some really creative and explicit ways. Eric seems hell bent on proving his stamina and on showing me how much he loves me.
I might be just a little bent on returning those feelings tenfold.
But this time – with condoms. My doctor is getting a really nice present from me for Christmas this year. There’s no point in taking any additional risks right now. Eric may not fear the consequences but I’ve learned the hard way that having children isn’t something you do on a whim.
“Get over here, beautiful,” Eric calls from the shower. “Just promise to try and keep me off my back, okay?”
He winks at me and, just like the day we met, the world stops spinning. I’m once more lost to the magnificence of this man. My man.
He kisses me. And again, I’m found.
I still don’t know what the future holds. And I’ll probably get a little lost from time to time. But the prospect doesn’t scare me. I know that if I get lost, Eric will find me. We have each other.
I have faith that we will always find our way. Together.
Nervous energy ripples through me.
I breathe in deep and hold it. Exhale. Repeat.
My hands are shaking, gut clenching, jaw tight with anticipation. Goddamn, my balls are sweating. I’ve never felt more on edge in my life. But everyone around me looks happy. How they can all be so calm and relaxed is beyond me. I feel like nothing but a giant ball of nerves.
Breathe in deep. Exhale. Repeat.
The doors open to a blinding stream of light that ushers in the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Jamie steps toward me, a halo of summer sunlight surrounding her, making me wish I had my camera handy so I could capture this moment, capture her beauty for all of eternity. In her white wedding dress, she looks more like a fucking angel than ever. It reminds me of the first time I saw her, rushing through the hospital doors.
Two years later and she still takes my breath away. My beautiful girl.
Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.
When she meets me at the altar, everyone else fades away. The minister talks in the background. Jamie and I say our vows as rehearsed. But my focus is on her lovely blue eyes. My only awareness, her hands in mine, and our shared breaths as we’re officially united in love.
Breathe. Exhale. Repeat.
For better or worse.
Here and now.
Forever.
* * *
When I first met Eric, I thought that he’d found me, that he’d rescued me. I truly believed that I was a lost soul and that without him, I’d have been doomed to a life of motherly solitude, watching my son grow and move into the world without me.
Truth is, Eric and I found each other.
We were both a bit lost. Both wandering through life, uncertain of who we were or what the heck we were really doing. We were both living in fear. Letting it guide us.
Letting it hold us back.
Honestly, there are still moments when I wonder if we really know where we’re headed. There are still moments when I’m fearful.
But life’s like that.
No one ever knows exactly where they’re going to end up. As Eric will tell you, even with a solid plan, anything can happen. And I think everyone gets thrown off course at some point.
But we’re not wandering aimless anymore. We have goals and dreams.
The business I inherited from my dad is still fledgling. I went back to school for a year before tackling work
full-time. It’s easier to gain people’s trust when you’ve got some credentials backing you. Especially in an industry that can still be so damn sexist – even some clients are skeptical of my abilities when they learn that I have boobs. It’s ridiculous. But I’m learning to cope. And I’m slowly building a reputation.
I couldn’t have done it without Eric. He helped me get things off the ground, creating all of my marketing materials, and even setting up a website.
Afterwards, he decided to start a business of his own. There’s a big demand for talented graphic design artists – Eric’s lack of experience was almost irrelevant. He knows how to sell himself, and he’s managed to exceed even his own expectations. Now that he’s got a full portfolio, his experience sells itself. He’s great on a computer, but the work he does with a camera is remarkable. That’s where I see his true creativity and talent. Just like I always knew – my man’s truly an artist.
Hunter is venturing into his pre-teen years. His sarcasm is at an all-time high but he’s adapted well to the changes in his life. He’s still interested in architecture, the skateboarding hobby he picked up, and the dog that we got him last year. And best of all, he finally has not just one, but two men in his life that he looks up too.
Dylan’s kept his promise to be more present in Hunter’s life. I’m thankful for that, even if he does still need reminding from Eric once in a while.
The families are all still learning to work around each other - Dylan’s mom often fighting with Eric’s over who will have us for holiday meals. But it’s good. We manage them both.
And Caleb? Well, things haven’t been easy for him. Cancer beat him up, badly. But he’s still living life as fully as he can. He’s taught us all what living truly is. He’s taught us all how to thrive. If it weren’t for him and my dad, Eric and I might not be together.
Our two lost souls may never have found each other.
We may never have built our own family.
So, as I dance with my new husband on our wedding day, I silently give thanks.