by Mingua, Wren
Chapter Six
“I think he should stay!” Lily said, as if she were speaking on behalf of a stray dog. “He has nowhere else to go! If we made him leave in the middle of the night, it just wouldn't be right!”
Miranda knew she would be no match for her sister's insistence, but she still had to try. “I just don't think that's a good idea, Lil. I mean, is there really any guarantee he won't cut out our livers and feed them to dogs in the middle of the night?!”
Algar, who was still sitting with them in the living room, said, “That wouldn't happen, Angel. I don't hurt women.”
“Aww! That's sweet!” Lily grabbed his arm and cuddled it against her chest, which had Algar grinning like a fool. “I bet you're very protective, aren't you? You'd keep me safe?”
“Aye. I would.”
“What about Cody, Lily?” Miranda asked, reminding her sister she had a boyfriend. “Do you think he'd protect you?”
“Hell no!” Lily laughed at the prospect. “Cody's such a wuss, I don't even think he could protect himself. One time, I saw him and his stoner friends running away from a squirrel.”
“Who's Cody?” Algar asked.
“My boyfriend,” Lily admitted with a wince.
“Has he stolen your honor?”
“Umm... what?”
“Arrr...” Algar started looking around the room for a weapon, preferably his sword, but he had no idea where Miranda had stashed it. “If he's stolen your honor, I'll have to dismember him!”
“Algar!” Miranda shouted. She grabbed his sleeve and tried to tug him away from her sister. “If you want me to even consider letting you stay here, you'll have to stop saying things like that. I'm not going to be able to sleep if I'm laying in the next room, thinking you might come in and dismember me!”
“Never, Angel...” Algar cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand, which had her recoiling in disgust. “I would never hurt you.”
“Well, I think he should stay!” Lily spoke up on his behalf yet again. “At least for tonight. He can share my room!”
“You mean share your bed?!” Miranda asked with a groan.
“Sure! I don't see why not. We could be adults about it.”
The grin was back on Algar's lips. Apparently, he didn't mind as long as he was the one stealing her honor.
“Lily, Lily, Lily... listen to me, honey,” Miranda chided her sister. “You're not sharing your bed with the pirate guy, okay? There's no way I'm going to let that happen. He can have... my room.” She regretted her words as soon as they were out of her mouth. “I can sleep out here. On the couch.”
“Aww, Miranda, that would be so sweet of you!” Lily exclaimed. “You're such a martyr. You're always the one to make the first sacrifice.”
“Well... whatever.” Miranda rose from the couch and motioned for Algar to come with her. “I'll take you to my room.”
Algar and Lily rose from the couch at the same time and followed Miranda to her bedroom. As they headed down the hallway, Algar tapped a lamp with his stump. “What infernal thing is this?!” he snarled.
“It's a light. A lamp,” Miranda half-heartedly explained.
“Is it witchcraft?!”
“No, it's not witchcraft,” Miranda said with a disheartened sigh. “It's electricity.”
“Where's Elet City? Do they have treasure there?”
Algar's question made Lily double over with a fit of giggles. “Algar... you say some of the strangest things!”
“I do?”
“Yes!” Lily gave him a flirtatious nudge. “So, like, are you from a different time period or something?”
Miranda stopped in front of her bedroom door and said, “He'll probably tell you he's from a different planet.”
Lily's question had Algar scratching his head. “It's the curse, innit?” he whispered to himself.
Miranda turned toward him and barked, “What?!”
“What year is this, Angel?”
“2011.”
“2011...” Algar kept scratching his head—at least there weren't bugs flying out of his hair anymore. “Unbelievable.”
“Anyway, here's my room!” Miranda opened the door and motioned for Algar to step inside. “If you need to use the toilet, there's one in the adjoining room. You remember how to use the toilet, don't you?”
“Aye.”
“Good. Don't forget to flush, okay? I hate it when people forget to flush,” Miranda went on. “Oh... and whatever you do, don't go through my panty drawer while you're in here. That would be too creepy.”
“Yer panty drawer?” Algar repeated, perplexed.
“Yes. Knickers. Panties. Underwear. Whatever.” Miranda started to close the door on him. “Well... goodnight.”
“Wait!” Lily grabbed her sister's arm before the door closed. “I wanted to show him something.”
As soon as Algar's eyes were on her, Lily lifted her nightshirt and gave him a prolonged glimpse of her underwear. “These are panties,” she told him.
“Lily!!!” Miranda pulled her sister's nightshirt down. “What are you doing?!”
“I thought he'd like to see my panties!” Lily and Algar exchanged grins over Miranda's shoulder. “Now he'll have sweet dreams tonight.”
“Aye,” Algar agreed. “I will definitely be havin' some sweet dreams. Thank you fer that, Petal.”
“Good lord...” Miranda slammed the bedroom door, grabbed her sister's arm, and proceeded to drag her down the hall, away from Algar the Scar. “I am living in a house with a bunch of crazies!”
“You're just jealous!” Lily accused her. “You're jealous because you like him, but he obviously likes me!”
“Are you serious?!” Miranda answered her sister's accusation with a high-pitched chuckle of blatant disbelief. “I think he's disgusting, Lily. He's atrocious. When I think about you flirting with him, it makes my skin crawl... and that's not because I like him, but because I have no idea why you would be even remotely interested in him as a romantic prospect. He makes me want to barf. Seriously... when he took off his clothes today, I think I almost vomited.”
“You saw him naked?!” Lily gasped.
“Yes. Unfortunately. And it's a memory I won't soon forget. Believe me, I wish I could erase his naked body from my memory, but it's just lingering there in the back of my mind like some kind of demonic entity.” Miranda grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and dragged it toward her bedroom. “You know that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That is what I need right now!”
“What are you doing?” Lily followed her sister down the hall and pointed at the chair.
“What does it look like I'm doing?!” Miranda returned to her bedroom and wedged the chair under the doorknob.
“You're locking him in?!” Lily gasped.
“Yes. It's for your safety too, sis,” Miranda said. “I mean... what do we know about this guy, other than the fact that he thinks he's a pirate, he dismembers people, and he wants to plunder your treasure?! He's... he's...”
“He's what?” Lily pressed.
“Psychotic!” Miranda stepped back to admire her handy work: the well-placed chair and immovable doorknob. “Look, I don't mind if he stays, but for my own peace of mind, you're going to have to let me do this.”
Lily crossed her arms over her chest. “You could have at least told him you were going to lock him in! He's like your prisoner now!”
“It's not up for discussion, Lily!” Miranda headed back to the bedroom, back to the couch, where she would apparently be sleeping. “And if I wake up and find you cuddling him in my room, I will personally lobotomize you!”
Chapter Seven
She didn't wake up to find Lily cuddling Algar, but it was almost as bad. Lily and Algar were sitting in Miranda's bed, and Lily had her foot in Algar's lap. To make matters worse, he was, for some ungodly reason, wearing his hook hand.
“Hi, Miranda!” Lily cheerfully exclaimed, as if she expected the scene to look entirely normal.
“Why do you have your foot on Algar's lap?!”
“I was showing him my tattoos,” Lily said, wiggling her toes. Algar tapped her ankle, where she had a colorful tattoo of a snake wrapped around an apple. “Can you believe he doesn't have any tattoos?! I told him I'd take him to get a tattoo of a skull and crossbones. Wouldn't that be appropriate?”
“I like yer tattoos,” Algar said, grinning.
“Oh, yeah? Which one was your favorite?”
“The one on your hip, Petal. The wee flower. It suits you.”
Miranda clenched a fist and held her breath. For some reason unbeknownst to her, Lily seemed to genuinely like their oddball visitor. She was starting to think she shouldn't impede their sexual chemistry, as bizarre as it was. “Lily, you have to--”
“Go to work. I know.” Lily slid off the bed and slipped her feet into a pair of sandals. “Will you be okay while I'm gone, Miranda?”
“I'll live.” Miranda stared at Algar, who was staring at Lily's rear end. The thought of being alone with their guest was hardly uplifting. “I need to go to the grocery store today. Is there anything you need me to get?”
“Umm, no, nothing I can think of,” Lily said with a shrug. “Except for, maybe... you know... some...” Lily mouthed the word tampons.
Miranda gave her a thumbs up. “Okay. Got it. And... Algar.” She heaved a preemptive sigh. “I think you'll have to go with me.”
“To where, Angel?”
“To the grocery store. The supermarket. You know... to get food!” As Miranda spoke, Lily slipped out the door and headed off to work. “Just so you know, you won't be able to wear your hook hand.”
“A'ight, Love.” Algar took it off and tossed it on the bed.
“Why were you wearing it in the first place?!”
“Lily likes it,” Algar said, “and I like Lily.”
* * *
Miranda could have predicted that grocery shopping with Algar would be a living nightmare. Lily thought he looked like a rock star, but Miranda thought he looked like a back woods hillbilly. He was wearing a red plaid shirt, one of her ex-boyfriend's old shirts, and he was as mangy as ever. He was clean, to be sure, but he still looked like someone who might crawl out of a creek and start plucking a banjo. His hair and beard were long and matted and--
“Gross,” Miranda whispered under her breath. “I just hope I don't run into anyone I know...”
“What'd you say, Love?”
“Uh, nothing.” Miranda took him by the elbow and pulled him over to the shopping carts. “Don't wander off too far, okay?”
“Aye.”
“If you see anything you want, I'll get it for you.” She wanted to be nicer to Algar, and she thought her offer was a good start.
They started their journey in the produce department, where Miranda collected the potatoes and carrots she would need to make her stew. When she saw Algar prodding a head of cauliflower with his stump, she dragged him away by the tail of his shirt. “Don't do that,” she quietly chided him.
“I don't know what that is,” Algar said.
“It's a cauliflower.”
“A what?”
“A cau-li-flower,” she repeated slowly, as if to a child.
“Where do they get all this bloody food?! It's amazing!”
“It's not that big of a deal,” Miranda said. “Well...maybe it is a big deal, we just take it for granted.” She motioned for Algar to follow her and tossed a loaf of bread into the cart.
“How do you pay for all this food?” Algar asked. “Where are you keepin' yer gold and silver?!”
Miranda had to chuckle. “If you keep this up, you'll have me believing you actually are an olden day pirate.” Miranda unzipped her wallet and flashed her money at him. “See this? It's money. This is what we use to buy food.”
“Interesting...” Algar started wandering down the cookie and cracker aisle, so Miranda had to turn her cart and follow him. He picked up a bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers and sniffed it. “Wot 'r these?” he asked.
“Crackers.”
“A fish with glasses,” he said, observing the package. “These I like!” Algar tossed the goldish crackers in the cart and continued down the aisle.
“Algar!” Miranda exclaimed, chasing after him. “Algar, if we could just stick to buying things on my shopping list, that would be gre--”
“Arrrr...” Grumbling, Algar picked up a bag of Keebler cookies. “I think I want these!”
“No you don't.” Miranda was already regretting the fact that she had offered to buy him something.
“I do!” He smiled down at the Keebler elf, who was smiling back at him. “He looks like a jolly fucker!”
“Algar!” Miranda wrenched the cookies out of his hand and put them in the cart. “You can't keep picking up everything you see! I just got you some cookies and crackers, so unless you have your own money, which I don't think you do, then you need to stop throwing things into the cart!”
“Very well...” Algar capsized, his shoulders sagging.
For the next few aisles, Algar trailed obediently behind Miranda. She grabbed toilet paper, tampons, and a fresh bar of soap—since Algar could probably use it. When she got to the deli, Miranda realized, to her horror, that she had lost track of him.
“Oh shit!” Miranda hissed. She sped past all the aisles, frantically searching for him. She didn't know why, but she felt like he was her responsibility, and any shenanigans he got up to while her back was turned would be partly her fault.
When she finally found him, he was staring at the egg cartons. As soon as she saw the smirk on his face, Miranda knew something was amiss.
“Algar!” she snarled at him. “Where did you go?! Why didn't you stay close?!”
“Look what I got, Angel.” Algar held out his hand and slowly uncurled his fingers. When she saw a giant wad of money in the palm of his hand, Miranda gasped.
“Algar! Where did you get that?!”
“I plundered it,” he admitted.
“You plundered it?! Are you freaking kidding me?! Why would you do something like that?!”
“I'm a pirate, Love. It's what I do,” Algar said. “Besides, you said I didn't have any of my own money, so I thought I'd set about gettin' some of me own!”
“Algar, that's not how things work in the real world! You have to earn your money! You earn it!” Miranda clutched her forehead in despair. “Tell me specifically... where did you get it? Who did you steal from?!”
Algar bowed his head in the direction of a little old lady. She must have been at least ninety, with thinning white hair, a kindly wrinkled face, and a slight humpback. She was so frail, it looked like she was having trouble carrying her milk carton to her cart.
“You stole from an old lady?!” Miranda shrieked.
“Aye. An easy target.”
“Do you have any morals whatsoever?!” Miranda snatched the wad of money from his hand and held it in front of his face. “If you don't want me to leave you here at the grocery store, you'll march over there right now and apologize to her!”
“I can apologize...” Algar said with a shrug, “but does that mean I have to give the money back?”
“Yes! Yes you do!” Miranda groaned. “You can't just apologize for taking the money, then walk away with her money in your pocket! That would be so messed up!”
Algar took the money with a nod. “Aye... alright.”
An image flashed through Miranda's mind, of the old lady calling the police, and Algar getting hauled off in handcuffs. She wasn't sure why, but she didn't want it to come to that.
“Actually... here,” Miranda held out her hand. “Give me the money.”
“Oi?”
“Give me the money,” she repeated. When he dropped the rolled-up bills into her hand, she turned around and headed in the direction of the old lady. Algar stayed next to the cart, watching intently.
“Excuse me, ma'am?” Miranda said loudly, in case the old lady was hard of hearing. As ancient as
she was, Miranda would be surprised if she wasn't hard of hearing.
As she turned around, the old lady waddled like a penguin. “Yes, dear?”
“I think you dropped this...” Miranda held out the wad of money.
“Oh my!” The old lady laid a hand over her heart. “Goodness, dear, thank you so much!” She took the money in her palsy-ridden hand and dropped it into her purse. “I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't found this for me.”
“Well...” Miranda cast a heated look in Algar's direction.
“It's nice to know there's still some good, honest people in this world,” the old lady said. “Would you like a reward?”
“No. That's okay. Really.” Miranda started backing away. “I'm just glad I could return it to you.”
“Thanks again, honey!” the old lady called to her as Miranda sprinted back to the cart.
As soon as she returned, Miranda grabbed the end of Algar's grimy beard and gave it an angry tug. “I can't believe you did that! You... you're... you're unbelievable!”
“Sorry, Angel.”
“This pirate stuff has to stop, okay? You're not a pirate.”
“I'm a pirate captain,” Algar corrected her.
“No, you're not!” Miranda grabbed the cart and squeezed it until her knuckles turned white. “And even if you are a pirate, which I seriously doubt, then you need to learn how to control yourself.”
“I will, Love,” Algar insisted. “For you, I will.”
“I'm... sorry I gave you a hard time about the cookies,” Miranda said, sighing. “Is there anything else you wanted?”
“Nay. Not really.”
“Alright. Well then... follow me.” Miranda turned down the final aisle of her shopping trip: frozen goods. She stared at one of the freezer cases for several seconds, tempted by the allure of an ice cream sundae. As she reached in to claim a half-gallon of mint chocolate chip, Miranda saw something horrifying in the corner of her eye.
Her mother rounded the corner.
“Miranda!” her mother cried out. “Honey, is that you?”