by Amity Cross
I didn’t look back.
I had to be a machine without feeling. I had to push it all away and forge ahead. I had to rebuild my walls and protect my soul at all costs. He was already married. Married.
As the car inched closer to Thornfield, I rested my head in my hands and swallowed my sobs. It was madness. This whole place, this world, it was all madness! To think this was his secret? Such a game he’d been playing! All of us had been pawns on the ultimate chessboard. Even Blanche, who had attacked me so callously, had been a piece on the board. What for? What for?
What had I done?
“Miss,” a voice said, coaxing me back to the present. “We’ve arrived.”
Coming to life, I wrenched open the door and hurled myself out. The moment I slammed the door behind me, the driver departed, most likely going back to the village to collect Edward.
What would I do when Edward came back? I didn’t want to be anywhere he could find me when he returned. I didn’t want to see him at all.
Pushing through the front door, my feet smarting from their walk across the gravel, a smiling Alice greeted me, but when she saw my solitary figure, her excitement faded.
“Jane?” she asked, her cheeks paling. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing I didn’t expect deep down,” I shot back, fending off tears. “You were right to warn me, Alice. I didn’t want to listen. I was stubborn. I thought I could help him, I thought my love would be enough, but I fear he has hurt me too gravely.”
“The wedding?”
I shook my head. No.
“Rocky?”
“I took the car and left him at the church.”
Alice frowned, pondering the situation. She glanced outside before taking my arm. “Come, let’s get you out of those clothes.”
I allowed her to lead me upstairs and into the east wing, my energy depleting fast. My mind swirled, my ire was at an all-time high, my heart was broken, and all I could think about was keeping myself together. I had no plan for what do next. Considering that all I’d been thinking about these past few days were all the possibilities my renewed romance with Edward Rochester had brought about, figuring out what I was going to do without him had me reeling. Deep down, I knew I’d lingered in hopes he would come back to me, but never in my life did I think it would be like this.
The pain of his betrayal was insurmountable.
My room felt entirely different when we entered. In fact, the whole hotel felt like an alien landscape full of smoke and mirrors. It was a house of horrors.
I unzipped the dress with shaking fingers, my throat burning with unshed tears. The cream fabric fell to the floor, and I stepped out of it. I didn’t care about my modesty in front of my friend—if I could still call her that. All I cared about was that the dress was removed and with it the traces of the events at the church, but it didn’t seem to help. I could still feel the bruises darkening on my heart.
“The more I think about it, the more it all adds up,” I declared. “His anger at Mason, and the lengths he went to try to keep our relationship a secret. The anger he showed today was devastating. He couldn’t love because he was already claimed in the eyes of the law. I was such a fool!”
Alice shifted uneasily. “What do you mean?”
“He is already married!” I declared, picking up the dress and hurling it across the room.
“Jane, please, calm down,” she said. “He’s not married. I’ve never heard such a thing!”
“He is!” I howled. “He belongs to another!”
“No, I don’t believe it. Who said such a thing?”
“Mason,” I spat. “Mason showed up and stopped the wedding. He was very convincing. Edward married his sister ten years ago. Ten years! That was a very action-packed year let me tell you. Mercury must have been in retrograde for a full twelve months!”
She glanced away, her expression worried, and I began to put two and two together.
“Alice,” I said sharply. “What do you know?”
She shook her head, her eyes wide. I’d known a lot of liars in my short life, and she was terrible at it. If I’d not been so embroiled in my own heartsickness, then I would have had enough intelligence to pursue the strange affairs that had been happening right under my nose ever since I crossed Thornfield’s threshold. I was the ultimate fool and could blame no one but myself for my lapse in judgment. Who knew when the cracks first appeared, but now they’d splintered, and I was flawed right down to the very core.
“I know you’ve kept something from me. I knew the day I put an end to Edward’s and my affair. If I’m being honest with myself, I knew it even before then. I know you are privy to the secrets being held here. I never pursued it, but I should have.” I grasped her arm gently. “Alice, you must tell me.”
Her mouth flapped uselessly, and a loud thumping at the door saved her from more questioning.
“Jane!” Edward bellowed. A moment later, the door handle shook. “Jane, I know you’re in there. You must come out and let me explain!”
We both stared at the door, unmoving.
“I won’t get involved,” Alice muttered.
Rolling my eyes, I glared at her. “Some friend you are. Must I be betrayed by everyone I’ve ever come to love? What have I done to deserve my lot in life? Must I be forever a solitary figure, doomed to never love lest I have my heart torn from my chest?”
The banging persisted. I let out a growl of annoyance and turned to the door, wrenching it open in a whirlwind of fury.
Edward was standing there looking distraught, his lapel spotted with blood—no doubt from Mason’s nose—and his entire appearance askew. He looked a wild, feral thing to my eyes, and I no longer found it appealing in the slightest. In fact, all I saw was the cause of my pain, and it burned from the inside out. I would have given him my all but already being married? It was a step too far in the wrong direction.
His gaze fell, landing on my lingerie-clad body, and for a moment, he was lost for words.
“What explanation could you possibly have for today’s betrayal?” I snapped. “Did you have a lapse in memory and forget you were already married? Or is bigamy your thing?”
“Jane, you must listen to me.”
“I must do nothing! You have harmed me, Edward, more than you ever have before. This was the hardest decision that has ever been placed before me, and I said yes. I was all in despite your secrets, but a wife? You would force me to marry you and commit a crime! For what?”
His jaw tightened, and his eyes flashed. “Get dressed,” he commanded. “Cover yourself, Jane, and come with me.”
“You have no right to command me,” I snapped.
“Do you want the truth?” he bellowed. “Do you want to know all about the secret I’ve kept hidden all these years? Now is your chance to know it all, and judge me on all the facts once and for all. Love me or hate me as you will, but don’t hate me because of a lie.”
“Jane,” Alice said behind me. “Listen to him.”
Turning away from them both, I opened my trunk and pulled out some clothes. Dressing in a pair of jeans and a loose-fitting T-shirt, I shoved my cold feet into my world-weary boots. He wanted to reveal the entirety of his dark soul? Then let him tear it from his body and bleed at my feet.
“Fine,” I snapped, disregarding Alice and fixing my fury onto the man I’d tried so desperately to love. “I am no longer yours to manipulate, and I will get what I want out of you. Mark my words, Edward Rochester, I am no longer the plain, obscure, little Jane Doe you once knew. I will not tremble at your feet or bend to your commands. I am a free human being, and I will exert my power on you, no matter my gender or station. The last ounce of my compassion is gone, thanks to you.”
He nodded sharply. “Then so be it.”
Leaving Alice behind, I followed Edward through Thornfield, a changed woman yet again. It was the third time I’d left and come back having experienced life-altering upheaval, and it had been the worst of them all.
> Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But fool me three times and just wait and see what the new and improved Jane Doe could do.
22
He took me to the library.
It was the scene of so many moments of passion, freedom, and heartbreak that it seemed fitting this would be the place that would see such fury and twisting agony.
Outside, the sky had only continued to darken, and the midday sun was all but obscured by the looming storm. The curtains were open, but the room was dull even when the overhead lights were turned on. The hearth was cold and empty, the bookshelves oppressive. The whole space had taken on a new life after the events of that morning.
I lingered by the bookcases, inspecting the tomes through the glass that encased their shelves. I could hear Edward moving about the room, his presence a heavy burden behind me.
“Where is Mason?” I asked, keeping my back to him.
“Elsewhere. I do not care,” came Edward’s brisk reply.
“And I suppose you broke his nose?”
“He will live.”
There was a clink as he busied himself with his stash of alcohol, and I rolled my eyes. At least this time he wasn’t drunk and clutching my legs like a child in the throes of a temper tantrum, but the day was still young.
I turned to find him staring at the decanter, his glass still empty. After a few heartbeats, he replaced the stopper, his brow darkening. He’d changed his mind and would not drown his sorrows, and I was thankful in part for his clear mind. He would need it in the moments to come.
“It has come to this,” he said to himself. “Either you leave, Jane, or you stare into the face of my greatest anguish and judge me. Will you leave me of your own free will, or will you run, hating me as you will because of the truth I have kept hidden?”
“Stop speaking in riddles. You know I will judge you either way. Stop stalling, and tell me of your wife.” The final word of my declaration came out dramatically, searing my tongue like acid.
“She is no longer my wife,” he said, snarling. “With all my wealth and power, do you not think I have the means to have a marriage annulled? Even with a woman as mad as Bertha with no mental capacity to sign legal papers, I was able to line a few pockets and see it done. I’m crooked and the ultimate liar, but I would never trick you into marrying me when it was not legal to do so. All I ever wanted was for you to love me freely, Jane.”
I snorted, rolling my eyes. I’d wanted the exact same thing, but it seemed our definitions held two completely separate ideals.
“And where is she now?” I demanded. “She still lives?”
He hesitated and began to tremble, the sight of him so distraught shaking the very foundation of my being, and my anger faltered.
“Edward,” I demanded, hoping to God he hadn’t done something to her and hidden it. “Where is she?”
He fixed his gaze upon mine and said, “She is hidden away where no one can find her.”
“In Thornfield?” My mouth fell open in pure shock.
“She is safe from those who would harm her. It was the least I could do, Jane. The only other recourse was to put her into an asylum where she would be harmed further by an uncaring system. Do you know what those kinds of places do to people? She would not find help there, only more suffering. I spared her that, at least.”
He didn’t answer my question directly, and his constant evasion began to annoy me even as his words bore the seed of fear. I hesitated, not knowing if I should step closer to him or shrink away.
“An asylum?” I finally asked.
He let out a strained laugh and leaned his arm against the mantle over the fireplace. Staring into the dark hearth, he said, “She is quite mad, you know. Nothing could help her. She is completely witless.”
“Did you love her?” I asked. “Do you love her still?”
“No, I have never loved until I met you, Jane.” He turned to me and shook his head desperately. “When I told you that, it was the complete truth. I married Bertha on my father’s command. It was nothing more than a business arrangement. I wasn’t the Rochester heir, my brother was, so I was a bargaining chip to secure billions of pounds worth of investments. That was all we were to our families. There was no love.”
“A business deal?” I asked incredulously. “You expect me to believe things like that still happen in the twenty-first century?”
“Jane, you have to understand. My world is a very different place. Power and the ways of getting it never change.”
I sighed sharply and averted my gaze, not knowing which way was up. What a fantastic tale he was spinning!
“I was tricked,” he said pleadingly. “My father was tricked. Their family line was tainted with a madness not known to us until Bertha began to degenerate. She became violent, lashing out and striking anyone who would come near, and the next moment, she would be completely calm. I’d been trapped in a loveless marriage, and then I had to suffer a madwoman. When my brother died…” He paused, collecting his emotions before continuing. “When he died, the tables turned. I was now something more than a thing to my father, and I was wasted on Bertha. I hated her, it is true, but I couldn’t see her harmed. None of it was her fault—the marriage or her affliction. She was a victim just as much as I.”
“What did you do?” I whispered, wondering how he would end this story. His tale had been told with such desperation for my forgiveness I began to fear it had ended badly by his hand.
“I hid her away so no one could find her. I could keep her safe. I could have someone care for her and spare her more heartache. I had the marriage annulled with a variety of questionable means, and then I went about my life as if she never existed. She was safe from her family and mine that way. She’d all but disappeared, and thus her family has left me alone. They search for her, but I’ve seen that they’ll never lay their hands upon her again.”
Feeling ill, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and sat on the couch. The sight of Mason at the church was such a shock, and his desperation to see his sister kept from harm was insurmountable. What was he in all this?
“What about Mason?” I asked. “Before… He said he’s her brother.”
Edward nodded. “He was disowned from his family long ago. He opposed the marriage and would not let it settle. It was he who assisted in hiding Bertha away.”
“But why does he come now causing trouble?”
“He no longer wishes to keep her hidden,” he replied. “He believes she and I are still wed, and if I take another, her life would be forfeited. On her family’s or my behalf.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “He believes you would murder her to be with me?”
“Who knows what goes through that man’s head,” he said with a growl. “He’s not mad like his sister, but I’m sure he’s tainted.”
I recoiled at his anger. “Then who harmed him that night?” When Edward stared at me in question, I prodded, “You know the night of which I speak. Who harmed him? Was it Bertha? Is she at Thornfield?”
He sank down into his armchair and shook his head. It was a long moment before he spoke, and I considered leaving him then, but I’d already come this far. It seemed fitting to wait for the final blow, and truthfully, it wouldn’t do much damage to the ruins our battleground had wrought on my heart and soul.
“Jane, I cannot tell you where she is,” he said thinly. “It’s imperative to her safety, and I do not wish to involve you in this affair.”
“But you already have!” I exclaimed. “By marrying me, you would have caused the inheritance of all your enemies, no matter who or what they are. I would have been a Rochester. If it is like you say, that the ways of getting power have never changed in thousands of years, then I would have become a pawn, no matter what.”
He buried his face in his hands, his shoulders slouching. He was devoid of all strength and control as he despaired. The brooding and complicated Edward Rochester sat before me a broken man, clutching desperately to the last s
hred of his composure.
Of all the things I thought his secret could be, it had not been this, and certainly not when it was revealed he’d been married had I expected the story to go quite differently. I knew not what to think, say, or do.
Was I the last thing he saw that was worth anything to him in his wretched life? I would not think it after the twisted ways he’d attempted to make me fall for him. If he truly cared for me, then surely his actions would have been gentler. If he’d only told me the truth from the beginning, what a different story we would have had.
What should I do now? I was given another terrible choice, this one worse than the last, and I wasn’t sure any of the decisions I’d made since arriving at Thornfield were the right ones at all. We were fools, all of us.
“I still wish to marry you,” he said, raising his head. “I have not lied to you, Jane… I’ve only omitted to spare you the pain of knowing my greatest shame.”
“I cannot!” I declared, rising to my feet. “Bertha is your shame? You say this after sitting there and telling me how she was a victim just as much as you? Have you no heart?”
“I have a heart, of that I am now quite certain,” he declared, standing before me. “You have brought it to life. You and your wild ways, Miss Doe. I will have you for my own. I will love you.”
“I cannot be owned!” I shrieked.
He reached for me, but I jerked backward. How dare he attempt to exert his will over me after his betrayal?
“If you think I do not have the means to leave, you are sorely mistaken,” I said with a snarl.
“Jane, I am wounded,” he declared. “I am laid bare before you, my heart open and bleeding. You would turn from me now?”
“I have bled as much as you, and I am as full as much heart!”
“I have not denied it.” His jaw tensed, his handsomeness as alluring as always, augmented by his despair, but I could not allow my lust for his body to sway my decision.
“I fear it is too late,” I said, holding my arms around my waist like they would shield me from more harm. “Too much has transpired, and I don’t know if I can trust you. I don’t know if I can even trust myself.”