by Jenna Jacob
I had to fight the urge to run down the hall and grab Sam by the arm and haul him into the supply closet. I wanted to know what was causing this rising anxiety inside me. Was it normal? Or had I truly fallen off the side of a cliff I’d never be able to scale to find solid ground? But I couldn’t, not without arousing everyone’s suspicion, especially Cindy’s.
Suddenly the double doors burst open and two EMTs wheeled in a gurney. The woman was screaming and crying, clearly distraught. Shoving the fears and uncertainty swirling inside me down deep, I ran into the trauma room behind the patient.
I watched as Dr. Brooks took the hand of his hysterical patient before gazing down at the woman, holding her in a stern but compassionate gaze: a look identical to that of my Doms.
“Calm down, Denise,” he instructed in a low, soothing voice. “Let’s see what’s happening before we leap to the worst-case conclusion, all right? Now take a deep breath for me and relax.”
Was I the only one in the room who noticed how Sam suddenly transformed into mega Alpha Dom?
Yes. You’re the only one in the room who knows his secret.
I quickly snagged the tablet from Cindy’s hand and she shot me a look of gratitude. Turning, I began typing information from the EMT’s run sheet. No doubt Cindy assumed that I’d taken the task from her so she could assist Sam. Truth be told, I wanted to run the hell away from the man and his damn Dominant presence. Simply being in the same room with Sam brought my insecurities and fears back to life with a vengeance.
‘Once you agree to this, nothing will ever be the same.’
Ian’s words rolled through my brain, echoed in my ears, and made my whole body tremble. The ache to feel their warm rugged bodies, feel the strength and command they so easily granted, brought on a brutal ache. I wanted to feel their soft lips, and get drunk on their dazzling Dominance once again. But they were gone. I was left to deal with the caustic aftermath, alone. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
‘Life, as you know it, will change. There’ll be no going back. Understood?’
No. He was wrong. You can claim your life back. You have to, or you’ll lose your damn mind. Walk away from them. Run if you have to, but do something to regain your fucking sanity.
My jackhammering emotions wouldn’t let up. I knew deep down that if Ian or James were there, I wouldn’t be coming unraveled. My emotions were on meltdown, but I couldn’t stop them. Shame mixed with fear, swirled with surety and conviction, and pressed around me like some unknown centrifugal force that threatened to fling me to the dark side of the moon. The only other time I’d felt so lost and out of control was after Dayne had died. I knew if I had to say goodbye to Ian and James I’d be left with that same empty void inside.
My stomach lurched and my mouth watered. Bile rose in the back of my throat. Shoving the tablet back at Cindy, I slapped my hand to my mouth and ran out the door. Bursting into the ladies’ room, I vomited into the toilet. My body trembled and sweat dripped down my face.
“Do I need to have you admitted?” Cindy asked. Her brow furrowed in worry.
Maybe committed, but not admitted.
“No,” I groaned wishing she hadn’t followed me.
God, I wanted to tell her everything. I was ready to shout from the rooftops that I’d been a slut and slept with two men. But I doubted it would exorcise the chaos clamoring within.
“I’m sending you home,” Cindy informed me as she stood at the sink. Wetting a handful of paper towels, she draped them over the back of my neck.
A part of me wanted to argue, but what could I say? I wasn’t ready to confess my sins to Cindy or anyone else. I needed time to sort out all the choking emotions. But even then, I knew this was one embarrassing secret I would have to take to my grave.
“I think you’re right.” Guilt like a ton of bricks landed on my chest. I was lying to my bestie.
“Are you able to drive home by yourself?” Cindy studied me with an intensity I wanted to crawl away from. When I nodded, she sighed. “I’ll call you on my break to see how you’re feeling. Okay?”
After giving her another nod, she darted back to the trauma room. I rinsed my mouth, clocked out and headed home.
Once inside my bedroom, I stripped off my clothes and crawled into bed. Alone, I felt small and terrifyingly fragile. Tears spilled down my cheeks. Clutching my pillow, I sobbed and let the claws of confusion rip me apart.
I woke to the incessant ring of my doorbell. I had no desire to drag myself to the foyer for some solicitor. Ignoring it, I padded to the bathroom. After finishing my business the ringing stopped but had been replaced by thunderous pounding. With a curse, I jerked on my robe and tied the sash. Scrubbing a hand through my unruly bed-head hair, I stormed into the foyer and yanked back the corner of the curtain. James and Ian stood on my porch. Their expressions were identical: pissed to the nth degree. Sucking in a startled gasp, I bit my lip, undecidedly.
“I’m sick,” I called through the door. “I’ll have to call you later.”
“You’ll open this fucking door now, Liz, or I’ll kick the son of a bitch in,” James bellowed.
By the tone of his voice, I knew he meant it.
Fuck.
With trembling hands, I turned the lock and twisted the knob only to have it ripped from my hand as the door burst open. Both men stormed inside and I skittered back. Twin sets of narrow eyes silently assessed me before James swept me off my feet and into his arms. Cradling me against his chest, his face was chiseled in anger but his eyes filled with fear. Without a word he carried me back to my bedroom.
Gently placing me in the center of the mattress, he sat down next to me while Ian stood at the foot of the bed, arms crossed over his expansive chest. An unhappy scowl set tight on his lips.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to you this morning, little one.” Ian’s apology rang more like a reprimand than regret. “So you’re not feeling well, huh? Physically or emotionally, girl?”
I didn’t want anyone to know I was coming apart at the seams, least of all them. Lowering my gaze, I stared at the sash of my robe. James still hadn’t spoken a word, just sat next to me, anger rolling off his body, yet softly brushing his fingers through my hair. They had the good cop/bad cop routine down pat.
“I asked you a question,” Ian barked.
Pinching my lips together, I refused to lie to the man. Through my volley of tears earlier, I’d decided to hunker down until this emotional shit-storm passed, and wait for sunshine and blue skies to magically reappear.
“Right. Let’s try this again. Tell me when I hit the nail on the head.” Ian instructed in a tone dripping with sarcasm.
I suspected they knew exactly what was wrong with me, even if I didn’t. Without waiting for me to respond, Ian climbed onto the bed. Hovering over my body, he gripped my chin and forced my gaze. His dark eyes flared with impatience. He was not a happy Dom.
“You’re second-guessing your decision to submit. You’re trying to convince yourself that what we did last night was a mistake. And ever since James dropped you off, you’ve been aching for our touch, our kiss and to feel the unbelievable connection we shared.” Ian dipped in even lower as a spark of challenge lit his dark eyes. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
The son of a bitch read me like a gypsy with a crystal ball. Closing my eyes, I strove to block Ian from invading even further. I didn’t want him to also see the riot of guilt pulsing inside me.
“Open your eyes,” James ordered succinctly. “You will take an active part in this discussion, Liz. Communication is non-negotiable.”
I begrudgingly lifting my lids. Ian released my chin but held me in place with an even more cutting stare. “I know you’ve been berating yourself. How many times have you called yourself a slut? A whore?”
“Both of you, just go away and leave me alone,” I demanded, though my quivering tone sounded more like a plea. “I’m not going to discuss this, and I don’t want either of you here right n
ow. Just…go.”
“We can’t do that,” Ian whispered on a sympathetic sigh. “You threw up at work and you’ve been crying.”
“How do you know—”
“Tell us why,” James insisted.
“I’d tell you if I knew.” My voice cracked. Anger spiked at being so damn weak and vulnerable in front of them.
“Aw, sweetheart, I told you—”
“No, you told me I might feel letdown,” I hissed, interrupting James. “This shit is a hell of a lot more than just some fucking letdown. It’s…it’s…eating me up inside.”
Unable to hold back, tears leaked from my eyes. I cupped my hands over my face to hide the shame spilling over.
James tenderly gripped my wrists and pulled my hands from my face. Tracing his fingertips through the tracks of my tears, his touch was the lifeline I’d been aching for, to pull me from the riptide that dragged me out to sea. Nuzzling against his touch, I’d sought this absolution all day, and as I’d suspected, the riot of chaos calmed. Drawing my palms to his lips, James placed a sweet kiss over each one before leaning in to sip my tears.
“It’s called sub-drop, sweetheart,” he murmured against my cheeks. “I’m so sorry we weren’t able to save you from this. Both Ian and I were afraid this would happen. That’s why we’re here.”
Rising back on his knees Ian stared at me. Compassion and understanding etched his face.
“This morning, after I dropped you here at home, I went by the hospital to check on Trevor.” James began. “He’s doing so much better that they’ve moved him into a private room. After chatting with both him and Drake, I went down the ER to give you the good news. Your friend Cindy told me she sent you home because you were sick. I knew then that sub-drop had hit you. Hit you hard. But I what I don’t know is why you didn’t call me like I told you to?”
“I—I didn’t know what was happening. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Then I saw Doctor Brooks, and everything I’d done with you two came slamming home. I didn’t know it was going to knock me off my feet.”
“I’m sorry you were blindsided, little one,” Ian offered with sincerity. “But we’re here to help you. Sub-drop is emotionally and mentally crushing. It pains me to know that you’ve already learned that the hard way, but worse, we weren’t there to save you.”
I sniffed. “How can I be in sub-drop? James only spanked me a few times. That doesn’t make sense.”
“The depth of subspace makes no difference, sweetheart. You can fly away in a submissive frame of mind, just as easily as you can from being spanked or flogged,” James explained. “You opened yourself up to both of us last night. Gave us your heart and soul. Releasing all those priceless, intimate parts is freeing, yes, but it comes with a price. You had to leave us while you were still open, still raw and vulnerable. It’s no wonder you crashed hard. I wish you had called me, Liz. While we may not have been able to stop the fall, we could have at least softened the landing.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t, too,” I mumbled. “I don’t like feeling this way. It’s not me… not who I am. I’m not weak like this. God, I feel so damn pathetic. I couldn’t even function at my job for fuck’s sake. My insides feel like they’re fire. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning.”
“We know,” Ian commiserated, bending to brush a kiss against my lips. “We’re not going anywhere until we help you sort out your feelings. Will you trust us, and let us do that for you?”
“Will you make all this crap go away?” I ceded in a thin voice.
“Yes,” James affirmed. “But first, what happened last night was no mistake. What we shared was beyond amazing. Neither Ian nor I have ever experienced such completeness like we did with you, Liz.”
“I told you yesterday that you’re a part of us—branded into our souls. I wasn’t blowing smoke up your sexy little ass. You’re our submissive, our responsibility…a very precious gift. You belong to us, just as much as we belong to you.” Ian vowed.
“You’re the most important woman in our world, Liz.” James smiled softly. “If we have to peel your emotions away one layer at a time, so be it. But there’s no way in hell we’re going to walk out and leave you to wallow in confusion, guilt, or doubt.”
“Come here,” Ian whispered as he opened his arms.
He didn’t need to give the command twice. I sat up and launched myself into his warm embrace. James melded in against my back. His heated breath caressed my ear as he slid the robe off my shoulders and began massaging the tension from my neck.
Enveloped in their indulgence, warmth, and strength, a palpable vibration pulsed within my veins, and righted my whole world. The tightness in my chest eased, as did the churning in my belly. Closing my eyes, I drank in every drop of affection they offered.
Finally, the cyclone of questions, doubts, and fears that plagued me slowed. Ian and James patiently and methodically helped me align my thoughts and feelings. Plucking each emotion one by one, they aided me to understand that not only were my feelings perfectly normal, they pointed out the reasons behind each of my tattered emotions.
“I don’t want to lose you, either of you,” I confessed almost defiantly.
“We don’t want to lose you either, gorgeous,” James replied in that buttery, rich voice that sent tingles down my spine.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“Are you feeling better, more centered now?” Ian asked, brushing his hand over my cheek.
“Yes. Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t call, or reach out to ask for help.”
“As long as you remember to do it next time, we’ll be fine,” Ian assured me.
“Next time?” I gaped. “You mean I have to go through this stuff again?”
“It’s quite possible. But since you’re going to share your work schedule with us, we’ll know when we can push you hard, and when we need to go easy on you,” Ian explained.
“And if you don’t communicate with us, we’ll paddle your ass, and not in a pleasant way,” James chided as he cupped my cheeks and drew his lips to mine.
“Kiss me, James,” I murmured against his mouth. “Please.”
“I am,” he replied. I could feel the smile tug his lips tighter.
“Harder,” I moaned.
“I don’t take orders from subs. Patience, girl,” he growled against my mouth.
“I don’t have any when I’m with you two.”
“We’ll be happy to help you find some, little one,” Ian offered with an evil chuckle.
Lifting the hair off the back of my neck, he pressed a sweet kiss to my nape. I had no doubt he possessed the skills to help me find all kinds of things, and oh, how I would let him…let them both.
James toyed with my lips, sliding his tongue over the seam only to pull back when I opened to take him inside my mouth. Their hands and fingers danced in lurid petition over my arms and breasts, down my stomach, and to the slope of my spine. Slowly pulling away, I noticed James’ dark eyes were dilated with desire.
“Have you eaten today?”
I shook my head no.
“Audible answers, little one,” Ian reminded, pinching the tip of my hard nipple.
“Ah…no, Sirs.”
“Get dressed. We’ll take you to brunch,” James instructed as he and Ian stood and walked toward the door.
Once again the irrational feeling of being left in the cold swarmed me. Reaching out for them, a twinge of fear tugged my belly. “Please. Will you stay with me?”
Even to my own ears, my request sounded childish and weak. When they stopped and turned, their expressions were etched in compassion and understanding. I knew I could lean on them, not only until I had a better foundation beneath me, but always.
James ate up the distance between us, then pulled me to my feet. Dragging me against his chest, he held me tight for several long minutes.
“We’ll wait right here while you dress,” Ian soothed.
Rationally, I knew they’d only be two rooms away, but that strange fe
eling of isolation had returned, and I couldn’t seem to shake it.
“Why am I so desperate for your touch?”
“Your psyche craves reassurance,” James replied, slowly releasing me. “What you’re feeling is normal. Remember, you’re raw and vulnerable. Just know that we are proud of you and that you’re very important to us, Liz. Take a minute and remember what it feels like to be floating in your submission. That will make the panic fade away.”
Ian and James sat on the bed and waited as I pondered what clothes to wear.
“Choose something soft and comfortable, little one,” Ian instructed.
“Don’t you want me to look nice for you two?” I asked. Eyeing my yoga pants with longing, I feared something less casual was in order.
“You always look beautiful to us, Liz,” James flattered me. “We want you to wear something you’ll be relaxed in. It will help smooth any of the jagged edges we might have missed.”
Protecting my emotions down to what damn clothes I wear? They never failed to amaze me, in or out of bed.
Twenty minutes later, James pulled his big black truck into the parking lot of a quaint mom and pop diner. Ian swore they had the fluffiest pancakes on the planet.
“You really like pancakes, don’t you?” I grinned at him.
“I’m a pancake connoisseur,” he replied, puffing out his chest as if his self-imposed title was meant to impress.
“No. You’re a human garbage disposal,” James teased. “I’ve never known anyone who can pack away as much food as you do.”
“I can’t help it that my metabolism runs high,” Ian excused himself with a crooked smile. “Besides, I need to save all the calories I can. I’m planning a strenuous workout in the near future.”
The carnal flicker in his eyes left no question as to what kind of workout he had in mind.
“Are you implying that I need to amp up my carb intake?” I smirked.
“We’ll take care of your carbs and everything else,” Ian replied with a grin.