by Ruth Ware
Something happened in that darkness, to me, Clare and James. Or someone. But who? What?
‘Well, Leonora, I’m very pleased with you.’ Dr Miller puts away his pen. ‘I’m a little bit concerned about the time you’re still missing, but from what you’re saying, those memories are starting to come back and I don’t see any reason to keep you here for much longer. You’ll need further check-ups but they can all be arranged by your GP.’
Before I can process what he’s saying, he’s carrying on. ‘Do you have anyone at home who can give you a hand?’
What? ‘N-no,’ I manage. ‘I live alone.’
‘Well, could you stay with a friend for a few days? Or have a friend come round to yours? You’ve done amazingly well but I’m slightly reluctant to let you go home to an empty house.’
‘I live in London,’ I say irrelevantly. What can I tell him? I don’t have anyone I could foist myself on for a week, and I can’t see myself trekking out to Australia to my mother’s waiting arms.
‘I see. Is there anyone who can give you a lift back?’
I try to think. Nina, maybe. I could ask her to help me get home. But … but surely they can’t be throwing me out so soon? Suddenly I’m not sure I’m ready to leave.
‘I don’t understand,’ I say to the nurse, after the doctor has picked up his notes and gone out. ‘No one ever discussed this.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she says comfortingly. ‘We won’t throw you out with nowhere to go. But we do need the bed and you’re no longer at risk, so …’
So, I am no longer wanted here.
It’s strange what a punch to the gut this news is. I realise that in the few short days I’ve been here, I’ve become institutionalised, in a way. For all this place feels like a cage, now the door is open, I don’t want to leave. I’ve come to rely on the doctors and nurses and the routine of this hospital to protect me – from the police, from the reality of what happened.
What will I do, if I’m thrown out? Will Lamarr let me go home?
‘You should speak to the police,’ I find myself saying. I feel strangely detached. ‘I don’t know if they’ll want me to leave Northumberland.’
‘Och, yes, I’d forgotten you were the poor lass who was in the accident. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure they know.’
‘DC Lamarr,’ I say. ‘She’s the one who’s been coming here.’ I don’t want her to speak to Roberts, with his thick neck and his frown.
‘I’ll let her know. And don’t worry. It won’t be today anyway.’
After she is gone I try to process what just happened.
I’m going to be thrown out. Maybe as early as tomorrow.
And then what?
Either I will be allowed to go back to London or … or I won’t. And if I’m not, that means arrest. I try to remember what I know about my rights. If I’m arrested I can be questioned for … what is it? Thirty-six hours? I think they can get a warrant to extend it, but I can’t completely remember. Fuck. I’m a crime writer. How can I not know this stuff?
I must phone Nina. But I don’t have my phone. I have a bed phone – but you need a bank card to buy credit, and my wallet and all my belongings are with the police. I could probably call from the nurses’ station – I’m sure they’d lend me a phone if it was for something necessary, like getting a lift out of here – but I don’t know her number. All my contacts are in my mobile.
I try to recall any numbers I know off by heart. I used to know Nina’s parents’ number – but they’ve moved. I know my own home number, but that won’t help, there’s no one there. I used to know our home number off by heart, but that was the old house, where I grew up. I don’t know Mum’s number in Australia. I wish I had someone like Jess – someone I could turn to in any situation and say, without shame, I need you. But I don’t. I always thought that being self-sufficient was a strength, but now I realise it’s a kind of weakness too. What the hell can I do? I guess I could ask the nurses to google my editor – but the thought of facing her like this makes me go cold with shame.
The one number I can recall perfectly is James’s parents’ number. I must have dialled it a hundred times. He was always losing his mobile. And they still live there, I know they do. But I can’t call them. Not like this.
When I get back to London I must phone them. I must ask about the funeral. I must … I must …
I shut my eyes. I will not cry, not again. I can cry when I’m out of here, but for the moment I have to be practical. I cannot think about James, or his mother and father.
And then my gaze alights on the paper cup beside my bed. Matt’s number. I rip the cup carefully, and fold the scribbled mobile into my pocket. I can’t phone him. He’ll be on his way back to London. But it’s an odd comfort to think that I have, at least, one person I could call, in a dire emergency.
Two days ago I had no idea he existed. And now, he’s my one link to the outside world.
It will be OK though. Nina will come back, or Lamarr will. I’ll be able to get a message out to them.
I just have to wait.
I am still sitting, staring into space and biting my battered nails, when a nurse puts her head around the door.
‘Call for you, duckie. I’ll put them through on the bed phone.’ She gestures to the white plastic phone suspended on an arm beside my bed and then slips out.
Who can it be? Who knows I’m here? Could it be my mum? I look at the clock. No – it would be the middle of the night in Australia.
Then, like a cold hand on the back of the neck, a thought comes to me. James’s parents. They must know I’m here.
The phone starts to ring. For a moment I lose all courage, and I almost don’t answer it. But then I grit my teeth and force myself to pick up the receiver.
‘Hello?’
There’s a pause, and then a voice says, ‘Nora? Is that you?’
It’s Nina. Relief floods through me, and for an irrational second I wonder about telepathy. ‘Nina!’ It’s so good to hear her voice, to know I’m not stranded here. ‘Thank God you called. They might be chucking me out – and I realised I don’t have your number or anything. Is that why you’re calling?’
‘No,’ she says shortly. ‘Listen, I’m not going to beat around the bush. Flo’s tried to commit suicide.’
28
I CAN’T SPEAK.
‘Nora?’ Nina says after a moment. ‘Nora, are you still there? Shit, has this thing cut me off?’
‘Yes,’ I say, dazedly. ‘Yes, yes I’m here. I’m just— Jesus.’
‘I didn’t want to tell you like this but I didn’t want you to hear it from one of the nurses or the police or something. She’s being taken to your hospital.’
‘Oh my God. Is she … is she going to be OK?’
‘I think so, yes. I found her, in the bathroom at the B&B where we’re staying. She’s been pretty off the wall but I didn’t realise … I—’ She sounds shaken, and I realise for the first time the strain that she has probably been under. While Clare and I are in hospital, avoiding the brunt of the interrogations, Nina, Flo and Tom have presumably been questioned round the clock. ‘It was pure luck I came back earlier than I said I would. I should’ve noticed. It’s been horrible, but I never thought—’
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘I’m a bloody doctor, Nora.’ Her voice at the other end of the phone is anguished. ‘OK, it’s a while since I’ve done anything in mental health, but we’re supposed to remember our basic training. Shit. I should have seen this coming.’
‘But she’ll be OK?’
‘I don’t know. She took a bunch of sleeping pills, combined with some Valium and a hell of a lot of paracetamol, washed down with whisky. It’s the paracetamol that’s worrying me – it’s pretty nasty stuff. You can wake up feeling just fine in hospital and then your liver packs up just when you’ve decided suicide really isn’t going to fit in with your spring calendar.’
‘Oh my God. Poor Flo. Did she say … did she give a reaso
n?’
‘She just left a note saying she couldn’t cope any longer.’
‘Do you think—’ I stop, I can’t think how to ask this.
‘What? That she’s got a guilty conscience?’ I almost hear Nina’s shrug down the phone. ‘I don’t know. But whatever you reckon happened, she was holding the gun. I don’t think Lamarr and Roberts went particularly easy on her.’
‘How did she get the pills?’
‘She got prescribed the diazepam and the sleeping pills. She – we’ve all been under a lot of stress, Nora. She saw a man get shot. That’s PTSD kind of stuff.’
I shut my eyes. I’ve been safe here, wrapped in my cocoon of ignorance, while Flo has been falling apart.
‘She was so obsessed,’ I say slowly. ‘Do you remember, the way she kept going on about giving Clare the perfect hen.’
‘I know,’ Nina says. ‘Believe me, we heard a lot about that the last couple of days. She’s not done much except for cry and blame herself for what happened.’
‘But what did happen, Nina?’ I realise suddenly that I’m gripping the white plastic receiver so hard that my fingers hurt. ‘Lamarr thinks it’s murder. I know she does. They’re asking weird questions about my phone. They’ve given me a formal caution. I’m a suspect.’
‘We’re all suspects,’ Nina says wearily. ‘We were in a house when a man got shot and died. It’s not just you. Fuck, I wish this were over. I’m missing Jess so much I can barely think. Why the fuck did we agree to this, Nora?’
She sounds tired. Tired not just of this, but of everything. And I can see her, suddenly, her and Tom alone in their B&B rooms, waiting to be questioned, waiting for answers, waiting for news on Flo and Clare and everything else.
They’ve asked her not to leave. She’s just as trapped as me. Trapped by what happened in that house.
‘Look, I’ve got to go,’ Nina says at last. ‘This is a crappy pay-as-you-go mobile and I don’t think there’s much credit on it. But I’ll phone back and leave the number at the desk, yeah? Tell them to call me if you get kicked out.’
‘OK,’ I say at last. There’s a catch in my throat and I cough, trying to hide it. ‘Take care of yourself, you hear me? And don’t beat yourself up over Flo. She’ll be OK.’
‘I really don’t know if she will,’ Nina says. Her voice is bleak. ‘I saw a few paracetamol overdoses when I was a med student and I know how it goes. But thanks for trying. And Nora—’ She stops.
‘Yes?’ I say.
‘I … oh fuck, look, it’s pointless me saying this. Forget it.’
‘What?’
‘I was just going to say – try to remember what happened after you left the house, yeah? There’s a lot riding on this. No pressure,’ she says with a slightly shaky laugh.
‘Yeah, I know,’ I say. ‘Bye, Nina.’
‘Bye.’
She hangs up and I rub my face. ‘No pressure’, Nina said. I assume it was her idea of a joke. She knows as well as I do the pressure that we’re under. All of us.
I must remember. I must remember.
I shut my eyes and try to remember.
‘Nora.’ A hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. ‘Nora.’
I blink and try to sit up, try to process where I am and what’s going on.
It’s Lamarr. I’ve been asleep.
‘What time is it?’ I say blearily.
‘It’s nearly noon,’ she says. Her voice is crisp. There’s no hint of a smile now. In fact she looks very grave. DC Roberts is behind her, his glower fixed and unmoving. He looks like he was born with a pencil and a sour expression. It’s impossible to imagine him cuddling a baby or kissing a lover.
‘We’d like to ask you some more questions,’ Lamarr says. ‘Do you want a minute?’
‘No, no I’m OK,’ I say. I shake my head, trying to wake myself. Lamarr watches. ‘Go ahead,’ I say.
Lamarr nods, clicks on the tape recorder and repeats the caution. Then she gets out a piece of paper. ‘Nora, I’d like you to read this. It’s a transcript of emails and text messages taken from your and James’s phones over the last few days.’
She hands the paper to me and I sit up straighter and rub the sleep from my eyes, trying to focus on the closely typed sheets of paper. They’re a list of texts, each annotated with the number they were sent from and a date, time and some other information I can’t interpret – GPS location maybe?
The first one is marked with my number, and ‘Friday, 4.52 p.m.’
LEONORA SHAW: James, it’s me, Leo. Leo Shaw.
JAMES COOPER: Leo?? Christ is that really you?
LEONORA SHAW: Yes, it’s me. I really need to see you. I’m at Clare’s hen weekend. Please can you come up? It’s urgent.
JAMES COOPER: What, seriously?
JAMES COOPER: Has C told you?
LEONORA SHAW: Yes. Please come up. I can’t say what this is about over the phone but I really need to speak to you.
JAMES COOPER: You really need me to come? Can’t it wait until you’re back in London?
LEONORA SHAW: No. It’s really urgent. Please. I’ve not asked you for anything but you owe me this. Tomorrow? Sunday’s too late.
The next reply from James is not until 11.44 p.m:
JAMES COOPER: I’ve got a matinee & an evening tomorrow I won’t be finished at the theatre till 10/11. I cd drive up but it’ll take me 5+ hours. I’ll be there in the middle of the night. You really want me to do this?
Saturday, 7.21 a.m.
LEONORA SHAW: Yes
Saturday, 2.32 p.m.
JAMES COOPER: OK.
LEONORA SHAW: THANK YOU. Leave your car in the lane. When you get to the house go round the back. I’ll leave the kitchen door unlocked. My room is at the top of the stairs, second door on the right. I’ll explain everything when you get here.
There is another long pause. James’s reply is marked 5.54 p.m., and it almost breaks my heart.
JAMES COOPER: OK. I’m so sorry Leo – for everything. Jx
And then, at 11.18 p.m.,
JAMES COOPER: I’m on my way.
And then that’s it.
When I look up at Lamarr I know that my eyes are swimming, and my voice is cracked and mute.
‘The interviewee has finished reading the transcript,’ she says quietly for the benefit of the tape. And then, ‘Well, Nora? Any explanation? Did you think we wouldn’t find these? Deleting them was pretty pointless you know, we recovered them off the server.’
‘I … I—’ I try. I take a deep breath, force myself to speak. ‘I d-didn’t send these.’
‘Really.’ It’s not a question, just a flat, slightly tired acknowledgement.
‘Really. You have to believe me.’ I know, even as I begin to gabble, that it’s hopeless. ‘Someone else could have sent them. Someone could have cloned my sim card.’
‘Believe me, we’re used to that, Nora. These were sent from your phone, and the date-stamps on your replies correspond to your runs in the forest, and the trip to the clay-pigeon range.’
‘But I didn’t take my phone on my runs!’
‘The GPS evidence is pretty conclusive. We know that you went out of the house and up the hill until you got a signal.’
‘I didn’t send them,’ I repeat, hopelessly. I want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Lamarr is looking down at me from her full height, no cosy sitting on the bed now. Her face is set, like carved ebony. There’s compassion in her face but also a kind of rigour that I never noticed until now. Her face has the sort of unsparing detachment I imagine an angel might show – not an angel of mercy, but an angel of judgement.
‘We’ve also got the report back on the analysis of the car, Nora. We know what happened.’
‘What happened?’ I am trying not to panic, but I know my voice has got shaky and shrill. They know. They know something that I don’t. ‘What happened?’
‘Clare picked you up. And when she was safely on the road and travelling at speed, you grabbed t
he wheel – do you remember? You grabbed the wheel and forced the car off the road.’
‘No.’
‘Your fingerprints are all over the wheel. The scratches on your hands, the broken nails – you were fighting Clare. She has defensive wounds on her hands and arms. Your skin was under her nails.’
‘No!’
But even as I say it, I get a flash, like a nightmare breaking into day: Clare’s terrified face, green-lit by the dashboard glow, my hands grappling with hers.
‘No!’ I say, but there is a sob in my voice. What have I done?
‘What did Clare tell you, Nora? Did she tell you that she was marrying James?’
I can’t speak. I just shake my head, but it’s not a denial, I cannot deal with this, I cannot take these questions.
‘The interviewee is shaking her head,’ Roberts puts in gruffly.
‘Flo told us what happened,’ Lamarr says relentlessly. ‘Clare asked her to keep it under wraps. She was planning to tell you this weekend, wasn’t she?’
Oh God.
‘You’ve never had another relationship since you broke up with him, isn’t that right?’
No. No. No.
‘You were obsessed with him. Clare put off telling you because she was worried about your reaction. She was right to be worried, wasn’t she?’
Please let me wake from this nightmare.
‘And so you lured him up to the house, and then you shot him.’
No. Oh Jesus. I must speak. I must say something to make Lamarr shut up, to make these smooth, plum-coloured, vicious accusations go away.
‘It’s true isn’t it, Nora?’ she says, and her voice is soft and gentle, and finally, at last, she sits on the end of my bed and puts out her hand. ‘Isn’t it?’
I look up. My eyes are swimming, but through it I see Lamarr’s face, her sympathetic eyes, her heavy earrings, impossibly heavy for such a slender neck to support. I hear the click and whirr of the tape recorder.
I find my voice.
‘I want to see a solicitor.’
29
I TRY TO think back to the time-stamp of the first text, the one I supposedly sent to James, the one sent from my phone at 4.52 p.m. I was out on my run. My phone was unprotected, up in my room. So who else had access to it?