by C. B. Martin
James completely ignored me as he raced to get to the door first.
‘Well… hello gorgeous man, come in, come in,’ he simpered. ‘Oh sorry - and you dear - I didn’t see you there. Where are my manners?’
‘James, it’s Camilla that’s come for the interview, not her boyfriend,’ I said, feeling slightly exasperated. Not for the first time, I wondered if I had the strength for James’ antics.
‘Hello, you must be Tara,’ announced Camilla, removing her helmet and giving me a smile. ‘Sorry for the entrance. My car is in for a service, so my brother Lewis brought me here. Please excuse my flat helmet hair,’ she added, fluffing it back into place.
I liked her instantly.
‘Ah, your brother, even better,’ James exclaimed, his eyes practically raping the poor man. ‘Your brother must come in and wait for you, I absolutely insist. I’m more than happy to keep him company. You don’t mind, do you Tara?’ said James, as he pulled Camilla’s brother past me.
‘Well, I, erm… yeah I…’ I stammered. The little bastard, that’s the last thing I want! Why does he always put me into awkward situations like this?’
‘Marvellous, magnificent. That’s settled then. In you both pop. Come along…’ James said over his shoulder, already halfway into the Salon with Lewis in tow.
‘Laura, I need you… I need you right now please!’ I called into the staffroom where she had disappeared to use the computer. Meanwhile I glared at James with gritted teeth as he ignored me.
‘My my… what a beautiful big thing you have parked there Mister… err… err…’ said James, planting himself in front of Lewis in his most provocative pose.
‘Lewis. My name’s Lewis,’ he smiled.
Glancing over nervously, I could see Lewis looked amused by the exchange, but luckily not too phased.
‘Yep, she’s a Ducati 998 S,’ he went on.
‘How does it feel to have something so big and throbbing between your legs?’ asked James. ‘Is it as wide as it looks? I’d just love to take a ride on it. By the look of it, I might be a little sore afterwards, but I’m sure I can take it.’
‘James - can you take Lewis into the staffroom, please?’ I tried to stay calm and professional, but by now I was fuming with him. I didn’t want him to blow my chance of getting decent staff because of his ridiculous flirting.
‘Sorry, Tara, I can see it’s inconvenient for me to stay,’ said Lewis, turning to me apologetically. ‘Shall I pop back and pick Camilla up after the interview? How long do you think you’ll be? An hour?’
Great. Now I look like a total bitch as well as a loon.
‘No, no it’s fine, I just wasn't expecting… erm…’ Then I dried up. I didn’t know what else to say. It had been a while since I had spoken to anyone outside my close-knit group of family and friends. Why did the first person have to be an Adonis on a motorbike? I was too scared to even make eye contact, but strangely, he looked vaguely familiar.
I turned back to James, ‘James, make some drinks please, while Laura and I have a chat with Camilla. And James, behave yourself, please…’
‘Don’t worry, Tara darling, Lewis is in safe hands with me,’ James said, sounding very sensible (even though his facial expression said otherwise).
Forcing myself to focus on the here-and-now, I politely smiled at Lewis, but I still wouldn’t allow my eyes to meet with his.
Laura and I sat down with Camilla. The interview lasted much longer than I wanted it to, but Laura being Laura and a complete ‘jobs worth’ went through every detail of Camilla’s CV, then insisted that Camilla cut and blow-dry my hair. I really didn’t want her to, as I still had bald patches in my hair where I’d pulled out some of my extensions. All I knew was my hair needed a break and so did I. Meanwhile, all I could hear was James laughing and giggling in the staffroom. It was very distracting.
As Camilla fussed around with my hair, I half-heartedly asked her what she would advise if I were a client.
‘She could do with a really short, classic hair style,’ interrupted Laura, ‘no more of that porn star bleached mass… but of course, Tara,’ she said, back-peddling, ‘you know it’s completely up to you.’
‘Laura!’ I hissed completely irritated whilst desperately trying to smooth my voice down. ‘I know I’m in the bloody menopause, but does my hair have to look a siren stating that?’
‘You can’t be in the menopause,’ Camilla said in shock, searching my pale face, ‘you’re way too young!’
‘Thank you, Camilla,’ I said, smiling in spite of myself, ‘it’s a very rare genetic disorder.’ I added.
‘No, it’s not a rare genetic disorder – it’s part of life, remember?’ Laura shot back, shaking her head. ‘We don't do denial anymore, do we? We embrace it, don't we?’
I couldn’t believe Laura; she was now slowly nodding her head at me like I was an imbecile.
‘I love short, sassy hairstyles,’ broke in Camilla, changing the subject fast to prevent an impending assault, ‘especially with a beautiful face like yours. You really could take it.’
‘Can I hide a little of my face?’ I pleaded. ‘That’s all I ask. I don't care about anything else.’
‘No hiding anything,’ insisted Laura, shaking her head at me.
Laura and Camilla began pulling out magazines as I sat and waited impatiently.
‘How about this one?’ asked Camilla, her finger poised over a picture. ‘It’s perfect for your face shape, short, yet still very edgy and youthful, with a long, peek-a-boo fringe that you can tuck behind your ears, or it can fall sexily over one eye.’
‘As long as it covers some of my face, that’s fine.’ I said, accepting the picture and giving Laura a stern look.
‘We could also dip-dye the fringe area in a soft ash to complement your natural, strawberry blonde tones,’ she continued, confidently passing the magazine over to Laura.
‘Oh yes,’ chimed in Laura, nodding in agreement, ‘very Gwyneth Paltrow from Sliding Doors.’
Just a few months ago, if anyone had come near my hair with a pair of scissors, I would have had a seizure.
They could tint it black for all I care; I just want to get it over and done with, I thought. But the last thing I needed was to make a bad impression on Camilla, so I plastered on a fake smile.
I already knew I wanted to hire her. She was perfect. She had years of experience and had just the right personality. Plus, she had managed a Salon earlier on in her career before she’d taken a year out to travel.
The whole interview and styling took an hour and a half. Poor Lewis must have been desperate to escape.
‘Wow, you look great,’ James announced as I entered the staffroom to let Lewis know the interview was over.
I glanced shyly over at Lewis and then looked away quickly. He was staring at me, open-mouthed. Jesus, he must be thinking what a freakin’ freak I am. How humiliating. James was oblivious to it all, of course.
‘Lewis likes stroking little furry things Tara, don't you, Lewis?’ James giggled.
‘Well, I guess you could put it like that,’ laughed Lewis, grabbing his helmet.
‘Can I have a little stroke of your helmet before you go please Lewis?’ wheedled James outrageously.
Lewis laughed and pretended to knock James over the head with the bike helmet. ‘I’ve been trying to keep you away from my ‘helmet’ for the last 90 minutes,’ he said, ‘I’m not going to give in now!’
I laughed nervously as I showed Lewis back into the main Salon. I then held out my hand to shake Camilla’s.
Laura butted in: ‘Thank you so much for coming in, Camilla. We will let you know in due course if you’ve been a successful candidate for the position.’
‘Camilla - you’ve got the job.’ I announced, cutting Laura off. ‘You can start Monday. It’s my Salon and I want you working here.’
‘Tara!’ Laura interjected sharply. ‘We haven’t discussed this. We need to see other applicants. Don’t make any rash decisions…’
‘Well, I think this arrangement is just perfect,’ broke in James, whilst never once taking his eyes off Lewis’ crotch. ‘I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be working with.’
‘What do you think, Camilla? You up for working here?’ I asked, ignoring James, who was fastly becoming the annoying local queer pet.
‘Wow, thank you so much. I really wasn't expecting to be offered a job so quickly. I would love to take the job! I promise you won’t regret hiring me. Monday would be perfect.’
‘Monday it is,’ I said, wearily shaking both their hands and smiling as Camilla and Lewis left the Salon.
Laura didn't say a word - she didn't have to, her face was etched in complete disapproval.
‘Laura,’ I pleaded, ‘please don’t be angry with me, I need to start making my own decisions soon - you’re not going to be around forever and I am grateful for everything you have done for me, honestly.’
‘She’s perfect,’ Laura admitted, giving me a quick hug. ‘Your hair looks the best I’ve ever seen it. You look ten years younger!’
‘Really?’ that had made my day.
‘My - my,’ sighed James, lustfully tossing back his precious mane of hair while frantically fanning himself with a magazine. ‘You can’t help but enjoy the view, can you? That man’s sooo hot. He’s the image of Bradley Cooper. And those green eyes were just… intoxicating.’
‘I didn't even notice.’ I shrugged, bitterly disappointed that the only decent piece of eye-candy I’ve seen in ages appears to bat for the other side.
After they left, I was feeling utterly exhausted from the morning’s events. There were other applicants coming for the Beautician’s post, but I really felt as though I’d had enough already.
‘Laura, I’m so tired. I want to go home. I really can’t cope with another makeover or interview.’ I sighed shaking my head.
I stood, rubbing my tired eyes. Suddenly I heard Siobhan’s voice bellowing through the Salon.
‘Captain!’ Siobhan saluted over to Laura, clicking her heels. ‘Mission accomplished. I have found the missing Caucasian.’
Trailing in behind Siobhan was - Jackie! I was so pleased to see her! I leapt forward and hugged her as hard as I could before I burst into floods of tears. This was the one person on the planet who I knew for a fact was feeling much the same as I was.
‘Tara, can I have my old job back please?’ asked Jackie, wearing a huge grin with watering eyes.
‘Yes… yes…! I couldn't think of anyone I would rather hire than you!’
That was it. The torrent of tears started again.
‘I just had to get away, Tara. Well, until those two idiots were out of the picture at least.’
‘I always warned you, Tara,’ James snarled, ‘Jayde was good for nothing.’
‘They've both buggered off to Marbs,’ Jackie announced, making a face, ‘good riddance to them both.’
‘Marbella?’ I repeated, totally gob-smacked. ‘Oh Jackie, I’m so, so sorry.’ I shook my head, exhaling a deep breath of sadness.
‘O-M-G,’ snorted James dismissively, ‘how utterly boring. Now, if you had said he took her to New York… or let’s say… the Cayman Islands, or Miami, or even… Actually – Jayde, in Miami? I think not.’ James began roaring with laughter. ‘She wouldn't be allowed entry!’
‘James!’ I snapped. ‘Please, have a little decorum.’
‘Jackie, you look, - well… wonderful.’ I stood back and examined her, shaking my head in wonder.
‘Jackie?’ James paused, cocking his head to one side. ‘Have we had a little fun - with a wind tunnel?’
‘Yep, I’ve had every lift you can think of,’ she said defiantly lifting her hair-line to show minimal scars, ‘Sheila added some Botox, fillers and a new skin care range and that idiot has paid for it all. By the time I’ve finished with his bank account they will both be sleeping on the beach. He’s not even bothered seeing, or contacting, his own children. I think he deserves to suffer for a good while yet.’
‘Go Jackie!’ squealed James in complete awe. ‘Whatever you’re on Jaks, can you give some to Tara?’
‘Come on Tara,’ said Jackie giving me another hug, ‘let’s get the kettle on, you and I have got lots to catch up on!’
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
[Three months later]…
‘UGHH. I’m so bored,’ sighed James dramatically. ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here anymore. I’ve even run out of horrible things to say now Jayde has gone. Tara - come on - the Salon is quiet and you’ve been talking about getting setup on this dating website for ages now. So let’s get to it.’
‘I haven’t been saying that, you’ve been saying it!’ I said, desperately wracking my brains for another topic that might divert James from his near-constant mantra about getting me back on the saddle. ‘I’m really not sure if I’m ready. Apart from anything else, I still can’t understand how my love life ended up like this. You know, where my so-called friends think it is okay to publicly discuss me having to go on a poxy website to find romance.’
‘Come on, it’s free to sign up,’ said James enthusiastically, ignoring my protests (as always). ‘The best way to get over a man is to get under another one! Your lady-garden must need tending to by now. There’s only so much a Rampant Rabbit and some AA batteries can do. Trust me on that one.’
‘Well…’ I began, doubtfully. To be honest, I was running out of excuses. ‘Okay.’ I sighed.
‘Right then. So we’re doing it! Marvellous. Camilla, can you ‘wo-man’ the phone? Tara and I are off to get some tending sorted for a particular garden of hers.’
With that, James began to hustle me towards the computer in the staffroom.
James began to tap in information like a man possessed. I had never seen anyone type so fast; I guess he was racing through it before I could change my mind. In a matter of seconds, James had uploaded my best (photo-shopped) pictures. Then, as he got to the bit about height, age and interests I began to feel a rising sense of panic.
‘Right, Tara. What are you looking for?’
‘Hmmm. I don’t know really.’
‘A pretty boy? Tall? Thin? Gorgeous hair? Cute bum?’ James turned to look at me, one eyebrow raised quizzically, his face full of expectation.
‘James, this is supposed to be in aid of getting a man for me, and a real man too. We are not looking for a gay play thing for you.’
‘Sorry, just trying to help.’
James looked a little crest-fallen and for a few moments I felt bad for snapping at him. Then I realised it was just an act. In a nanosecond he was back, pounding away at the keyboard again.
Let’s see. I thought to myself, ‘okay; seeking a knight in shining Armani, with washboard abs. Must be into sports, preferably rugby, with a northern accent, 6ft plus. Weaklings need not apply. In fact, if you’re not remotely like Travis, don’t apply.’
James swung around in his chair, glaring at me.
‘What now?’ I asked sharply.
‘Tara, he may have been 6ft and incredibly strong with a huge bent dong, but mentally, he was incredibly weak and broke your heart. We are going to find you someone new, someone better. So tell me, what is it exactly that you look for in a man?’
‘Okay, I want someone kind and gentle,’ I said slowly, doing my very best to get into the swing of things. Maybe if I thought about Travis and then just listed everything he wasn’t. ‘Someone with a good kind soul. Above all, they must have excellent communication skills and be consistent.’
‘Shall we put in, "no pecs, no sex"?’ asked James, tapping away on the computer, utterly ignoring my more romantic aspirations. Sighing, my mind flashed back to Travis’ perfectly sculpted body.
‘Actually no, there are more important things,’ I countered, as I pushed the painful, familiar image out of my head.
‘Erm okay,’ James said with a puzzled face, ‘but you don’t want to end up with a sack of lard do you? Just imagine Jayde with testicles. Not p
retty is it?’
‘Oh James, just put what you want, I’ll leave it to you!’ I huffed stamping out of the office.
Hold on, I thought, in alarm as I inadvertently began gnawing at my hand. I must be out of my tiny mind leaving my dating destiny in James’ hands. My mind skittered around nervously. I had a terrible feeling that I had just made a humongous mistake.
Two hours passed and James was still in the staffroom. To take my mind off what he could possibly be doing to me, I started to go through the pile of receipts in the till. Takings were down again. Although I felt determined to pull the business back up to where it once was, it wasn’t easy. Every time we got anywhere, we were always knocked back by some unexpected cost or a sudden downturn in business for no discernible reason. My train of thought was abruptly interrupted as a squealing noise filled the Salon.
‘OH-MY-GOD. OH-MY-GOD. OH-MY-GOD!’ James squawked, running into the main Salon on his tiptoes, his arms flapping wildly in the air.
‘Darling. You have ten potential gardeners looking to get their fingers green into your lady-garden. How fabulous, darling!’
‘Shhhhh,’ I blushed, quickly raising my hands to my face in shock. I couldn’t help it though, I was curious. ‘Really?’
‘Yes!’ he screamed like a schoolgirl. ‘Come and have a look!’
I walked over to the staffroom with Jackie and Camilla close behind me. They had tried to stay out of it, but like me, they couldn’t resist checking out the fruits of James’ labor.
With all of the staff looking over my shoulder, I opened the first email.
No. 1:
Hey you look so juicy!
If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first. lol.
I’m so into older women, fancy having a toy-boy?
[…]
‘Eww! Yuck!’ I slapped my hand over my mouth in disgust and deleted him before reading the rest.
No. 2:
Hi,
First… you are so hot! Deffo a solid 8!!!
I came across your profile and thought 'boom,' there she is… so thought I’d drop you a message.