by Karina Halle
A few seconds roll past and I wondered if I’ve stunned him. Then he shifts against me, closer, warmer.
“Gemma,” he whispers into my hair, kissing the top of my head. “You’re beautiful. And that’s all I can say—you’re beautiful inside and out, and I’m here only because of you. You’ve given me the life that I needed, just being by your side, just being there for a fucking night, let alone all these ones we’ve spent together. If you could only see how amazing you really are, you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t feel that ache.”
Another tear rolls down my cheek and I’m speechless at his words. They’ve built a small, flickering fire inside me and I’m torn between putting it out or adding fuel to the flames.
I don’t speak for a long time. I just let him hold me, his breath steady with the occasional cricket or buzzing insect against the white-starred sky.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “For being so nice.” To lighten the load I add, “And for making sure I don’t die.”
“Anytime,” he says. He presses his face into my neck. “And when we’re both alive at dawn, you can thank me again.”
I fall asleep when the ache subsides. I barely feel the cold.
Chapter Twelve
GEMMA
We survived the night. Even though I could only doze for a few hours here and there, the ground hard and uncomfortable even through all the foliage, we made it.
The sky above us begins to lighten. I want to roll over onto my back to watch the stars disappear one by one but I know I’m only breathing because Josh is holding me and keeping me warm. My face feels frozen. I know that it’s terminally cold out.
“Hey,” he says into my ear, voice groggy. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” I whisper.
“How did you sleep?”
“I slept. That was more than I thought would happen.”
“Same here. It’s going to be freezing the moment we break apart.”
“I know. Let’s just stay like this until the sun rises.”
But we get up before that happens. Even though the cold is bitter and biting, I’m glad that we’re on our feet just as the sun slides up from the Humboldt Mountains to the east. It paints the other peaks, making their fresh snow glow rose gold.
The little lake near us—which, according to Josh is called a tarn—is like a mirror, gradually lightening to match the sky, while the valleys on either side of the summit are all covered with a thick layer of mist. Today we’re above the clouds.
We turn to make our way down the hill just in time to see a couple coming up; an older man with his camera out, a woman behind him, and just behind her, coming into sight, is Amber.
“Oh my god!” Amber cries out, running for us. She wraps her arms around me and then Josh, her eyes watering. “You guys, what happened? Oh my god, I thought you were dead, you never came back, I thought you were just going for a bit but then this morning you weren’t back. I was so worried!”
The couple make their way to us. The man smiles, his bushy mustache moving. “Didn’t quite make it last night?” he asks, his accent Swedish or Danish or something.
Josh shakes his head. “No, the flashlight died and it wasn’t safe to make it down without it.”
The man nods and his pale partner, her head half covered by a knit cap, hands us a thermos full of coffee. “For you,” she says. “To wake up, though with this view maybe you don’t need it.”
I thank her profusely, feeling embarrassed, and take a grateful sip. I pass it over to Josh, meeting his eyes briefly.
Amber squeezes my arm. “We were going to get the ranger to come with us just in case but I guess he went to rescue someone else last night.”
“Yah,” the man says, lifting up his camera and peering through the lens. “In the fog I think someone fell down a ravine and broke their leg. Had to be helicoptered out.”
Shit. That could have been us. I’m suddenly even more grateful for Josh and that he kept us alive up here on the mountain.
Josh looks at the man. “Not to seem ungrateful or anything, but how come you only came now and not last night?”
Amber looks chagrined, biting her lip. “We didn’t tell anyone that you didn’t come back.”
“What?” I ask.
Her eyes widen in shame. “But I set my alarm for this morning and when I was getting ready, I ran into Janne and Ana here who were going to see the sunrise and I just tagged along. I even suggested getting the ranger, but with him gone, this was our best bet.”
“Wait,” Josh said slowly. “Why didn’t you tell anyone last night?”
She looks away. “I thought maybe you did this on purpose. That you wanted to be alone. You know, like it was part of a plan.” When she looks back, she’s giving Josh a loaded stare.
He frowns. “I only came because I wasn’t about to let Gemma come here on her own.”
“I know, I know,” she says quickly.
So was Amber trying to play matchmaker between Josh and me? I could have sworn that she was into him. Why would she do this?
I push those thoughts aside. “But,” I begin, “if that’s what you thought . . . what was Nick’s excuse?”
She shrugs with one shoulder. “He said you’d be back at some point.” Her voice lowers. “And then he fell asleep. I didn’t bother waking him this morning.”
Heat floods my cold cheeks. Again, I’m embarrassed and hurt.
The man, Janne, clears his throat. “Well, I hope the rest of your day gets better. Glad to see that you’re all in one piece.” I know what he’s not saying: I hope you have fun dealing with that shithead back at the hut.
And that’s when I know it’s over with the shithead. Ending it with Nick will throw my future up in the air and will leave me naked and vulnerable, but I have enough self-respect to kick him to the curb. He didn’t even care. I was in the dark with Josh, way past sunset, in the mountains, in the wilderness, and he didn’t care. He just didn’t care. He fucking went to sleep instead.
How could he sleep knowing I was out there? Even if he really does believe I can take care of myself, how could his ego let me be out there with Josh?
Had I been sleeping with a monster this whole time?
We say goodbye to the couple, and as we walk down the hill I ask Amber, “Did Nick seem mad?”
“Uh,” she says. “He didn’t have an outburst or anything but there was a vein popping out on his forehead and it seemed like he was trying to grind his bottom jaw right out.”
So he was at least being possessive. That sounded more like him.
After a few beats, Josh, in a low, hard voice, says, “Gemma, I know I’ve already asked you this before. I know you’re going to tell me to fuck off or whatever. But I have to know, because I don’t get it.” He pauses and I hold my breath. “Why the fuck are you with that asshole?”
I don’t say anything.
I hear him stop behind me and he grabs my arm, pulling me toward him. His grip is strong, his eyes on fire as they search mine. “I’m serious. The guy doesn’t even give a shit that you’re out here. Why the fuck are you with him?” His voice is growing louder. “Tell me!”
I can hear Amber inhale behind me, watching this unfold, probably waiting for an answer, too.
“Because,” I croak, trying to find my defiance. “I know exactly what to expect with him.”
“And what is that?”
I pause. “Nothing. I expect nothing and that’s just what he gives.”
Josh frowns, looking a little broken. “How can you want that?”
I don’t say anything.
He grabs my other arm and there’s a wildness to his eyes, his hair catching on the wind. “Gemma.” His voice is rough and heated. “Some people may expect nothing. Most people expect something. But you, you, should expect everything.”
Will you give me everything? I want to ask. I look away before he can see the question in my eyes.
I don’t want the answer.
Fifteen minutes later we reach the hut and my nerves are squirming. I’m actually kind of glad that Amber didn’t tell anyone other than Janne and Ana, and that all the trampers here are none the wiser.
But once we step inside the communal dining hall and see Nick storming toward us, I know that everyone’s about to know all of our business.
He’s mad. Amber said he didn’t have an outburst but I don’t think I’ll be spared one. Nick’s going to blow like a volcano and it’s not going to be pretty. That’s when the caveman rugby player comes out, the kind that picks fights and spits in faces.
“Where the fuck did you go?” he yells, and the trampers who are trying to eat their oatmeal and cereal look up at him aghast. He ignores them, coming right over to me and grabbing my forearm tight, yanking me hard.
“Hey,” Josh warns, stepping in between us, putting a hand on Nick’s chest and trying to push him back.
“Oh fuck off,” Nick barks at him, his face going red. “I know exactly what’s going on between you two.”
“Nick,” I cry out softly, my eyes darting to all the people watching us. “Calm down, there’s nothing going on.”
“Bullfuckingshit,” he says. His eyes settle on me, hard, mean little dots. “Like you actually just wanted to look at the sunset. You’re not that daft.”
“I did!” I say.
He turns his gaze to Josh and his lip curls into a snarl. “So she’s a good lay, isn’t she? A good little root.”
“It’s not what you think,” Josh says, though now the anger is starting to creep into his voice, too. “We got stuck up there, the flashlight died.”
“And you fucked the night away, is that it?” he turns to me, yelling, spittle flying in my face.
“Nothing happened!” I yell right back. I’m getting defensive and can’t help myself. I try to lower my voice. “Nothing happened, we got stuck and waited until morning to come back, when we could see where we were going.”
“Right, likely story. Like you haven’t wanted to fuck this loser for the last couple of weeks.”
“Nick, shut up,” I grind through my teeth. “Let’s take this outside and deal with it and not ruin these people’s breakfasts.”
“Fuck them,” he growls. “And fuck you. I should have known better than to take you back.” He steps closer to me, his chin raised. “You’re beneath me, you ugly slut.”
Amber gasps from beside me. My heart stops.
The dining hall fills with a crack as Josh’s fist slams right into Nick’s face.
Blood sprays from his nose and he goes stumbling backward. Josh has caught him off guard, putting all of his height and weight behind the punch.
Nick grabs his nose, crying out, then springs forward, fists swinging at Josh. Josh ducks and spins out of the way and Nick is too crazed to act with precision or grace. He stumbles into a table and orange juice spills and cutlery clatters and people scramble to their feet to get out of the way.
“Stop!” I yell but they don’t hear me.
Nick goes for Josh again and clocks him on his chin but Josh moves with the blow and then twists around before throwing a hard punch into Nick’s solar plexus. Nick coughs, stunned for a moment, and then Josh is going for another punch.
But someone has grabbed Josh’s arm, holding his fist back, and another guy holds back Nick, and I’m able to safely launch myself in between them. “Stop it, please,” I say again and my attention is on Josh because, out of the two of them, he’s the only one who will listen. I press my splayed fingers on Josh’s chest, feeling his breath heave in and out, the heat he’s giving off. “Please. Don’t be like him.”
His eyes are crazed, pupils small against his glacier blues. A thin sheen of sweat covers his brow. But he peers down at me, understands what I’m asking, and gives me the most subtle nod. His body relaxes slightly and he steps back, turning away.
I look back at Nick, who is fighting to get out of the restraint of two men. They’re burly, seasoned-looking trampers and they mean business, but that doesn’t stop Nick from yelling, “Don’t think I won’t forget this, Gemma Henare!” He says my last name like it’s a joke. “I know what you did. You won’t have a job to come back to now, so don’t even try. I’ll make sure your name gets trashed all over town.”
“Mate,” the biggest man says to him, his eyes a stiff warning. “Don’t make me send you back to Australia, aye? Calm down. It’s over.” His grip tightens on Nick for emphasis. “You hear me?”
Nick eyes him and the other guy holding him back but eventually concedes. They reluctantly let go of him, though they seem poised to take him down if he tries to go after Josh.
I don’t know what to fucking do. Nick was supposed to come back with us; some of his stuff is still in Mr. Orange.
The tough man looks to me. “If I were you, I’d pack up and get out of here. This is a family place. No one wants any more trouble.”
“Of course not,” I manage to say, shooting him a weak smile. I grab Amber, who seems to have been shell-shocked this whole time, and we hurry over to the bunks.
Josh is leaning his forehead against the top bunk, eyes closed, breathing in and out.
“Josh,” I say gently. I carefully lay my hand on his arm. “We need to get going before things get worse. We can pack for you if you want to leave now and take the door that leads to the deck. We’ll meet you on the trail below.”
He slowly rolls his forehead along the wood and looks straight at me, frowning. “I’m not taking the back door. I’m not afraid of him.”
“I know you’re not. That’s the point.”
His brows knit further together. “He called you an ugly slut, Gemma. How can you let him get away with that?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, “because you didn’t let him get away with it. And I appreciate that you stood up for me. But we need to get going before things get worse. We have a bus to catch to Milford Sound anyway.”
He sighs but pushes back from the bunk and starts packing. He’s fast, and to his credit, he slips out the other door.
When Amber and I are ready, our packs on our backs, I give her a look. “Pretty exciting morning, huh?”
Her eyes are wide. “Tell me about it. I felt like I was in an episode of Buffy. But without the vampires.”
“Well, it ain’t over yet.”
As we quickly walk through the dining hall, keeping our heads low, we’re left alone. At least until I can see Nick getting to his feet out of the corner of my eye, his chair scraping loudly on the floor like nails on a chalkboard.
“Oye!” he yells. “Where the fuck are you going?”
I don’t even look at him.
“Hey! Gemma! What about my stuff?” he cries out, louder now.
I open the door and Amber turns to him. “We’ll mail all your crap to your shitty gym,” she says. “Don’t worry, we won’t forget about the steroids.”
The door shuts behind us and I can hear his embarrassed protests, but now we’re on the trail and we’re quickly running down the path, the sneakers I have tied against my pack banging on my ass as we go.
We round a bend and see Josh standing up ahead. He’s got his whiskey bottle in hand and is taking a shot.
“It’s like eight in the morning,” Amber admonishes as we catch up to him but she grabs the bottle and takes a shot herself, wincing all the way.
“Yeah,” Josh says, “but I’ve already been punched in the face so I think I’ve got a head start on the day.”
I take the whiskey and tip a bit down my throat. I cough, wiping my mouth with my sleeve, and give it back to Josh. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
“In China, I think,” Amber says, gla
ncing at the time on her phone.
We head down the track, our feet quick.
And then there were three.
“You know,” Amber says to me as we lean against the rails of the ship, the towering peaks of Milford Sound rising above us on either side, like mystical overlords, “if you want to make a fuss about Nick, you know, letting you go from your job, you could. I don’t know what the rules are in this country but back home you could totally sue his ass.”
“Nah,” I say, my eyes trained on the rock faces, marveling at the way time and ice have sculpted them. “I’m not going to bother with that.”
“But how can you get another job at a gym if he’s going to” she says as she makes air quotes “ ‘trash you all over town’?”
“Maybe I won’t get a job at a gym.”
“What are you going to do?”
I don’t know. I can only shrug, wanting her to drop the subject. It’s all too much to think about right now. I just want to be numb.
Josh comes back from downstairs holding paper cups of coffee, trying not to spill as the ship rolls back and forth. We’re nearing the mouth of the sound, Anita Bay, where the Tasman Sea funnels in, and it’s starting to get rougher.
He hands one to me and as I take the cup, his finger brushes against mine. I try and ignore the thrill it shoots into me. He’s only adding to my confusion and yet I can’t stop bringing my thoughts to him.
When the three of us finally made our way to the Divide Shelter, at the other end of the Routeburn Track, we had to wait around a bit because we were early. The whole time I kept looking over my shoulder, thinking Nick was going to come running out of the forest like a crazy ape, beating his fists into his chest, but luckily the bus showed up before that could happen.
Milford Sound wasn’t too far away, and soon we were boarding a small ship with a bunch of other tourists, swatting at the sandflies that gather around the shore.
The Sound is exactly how you see it on all the New Zealand postcards and travel advertisements. Mitre Peak is the focal point, a giant, soaring monolith sticking straight out of the water, but all the surrounding mountains, with their waterfalls and sheer cliff faces, are equally impressive.