“Yes, Chief.”
“Now, get outta here,” he flips his hand at me. “And close the door behind you, I don’t need any more fucking interruptions!” His gruff tone returns with a vengeance.
I smile and walk out of his office, letting the door click behind me. I’ve never felt more certain of anything before. Holly is the one, there’s no second-guessing that.
Yet, as I make my way back down the hall, I can’t help the small, nagging voice that intrudes my thoughts and twists in my gut.
What if… what if I’m wrong?
33|Jake
“That’s my exit,” Holly points at the green freeway sign announcing Everglades City in another fifteen miles.
“Gotcha,” I nod, giving her a smile. She doesn’t return it though, instead she goes back to staring out her window.
I can see this trip is taking an emotional toll on her and we haven’t even gotten there.
“Hey, don’t worry, ok? I’m not going to be far away. If you call me, I’ll be there for you. I’m only a couple of hours down the road.” I try to reassure her about the distance that we agreed to allow between us tonight.
Holly was adamant about going to her parents’ house before continuing on to Miami for the wedding stuff. I can understand where she’s coming from, even if it does make me nervous to leave her in Everglades City while I take my brother out for his bachelor party in Miami. Her family has been torn apart for over five years, more if you count the time they were all grieving her sister’s death before Holly even took off. They need some time together. I get that, but it still makes me uneasy.
“I know, I’m just full of butterflies, you know? I’m nervous. It just feels like everything is a bit of a mess right now.” She smiles at me weakly.
“Listen, I’ve got you. If you need a break from your parents, or you hear from Knox, it doesn’t matter, I’ll be there. I promise,” I lift her hand to my lips, softly kissing the back.
Her smile grows stronger, but it’s still forced. “Besides,” I continue, “I don’t want to brag or anything,” I look at her from the corner of my eye with a half-cocked smile on my lips.
“You? I couldn’t imagine,” she teases me.
“Exactly, I’m obviously too humble for that. Probably the humblest person you know, to be honest.” I joke.
“Oh, definitely,” her eyes twinkle.
“Anyway, not only are you with probably one of the toughest, strongest and handsomest Navy SEALs of all time,” I smile.
“So humble,” she laughs.
“But, you’re also in the presence of the baddest gangster the East side has.”
“Oh, is that a fact,” she shakes her head. “How’s that?”
“Well, not to toot my own horn, of course.” I pick up my iPod and search through my old tried and true tracks until I find the song I’m looking for.
“You? Never,” she smirks and it makes me happy to see the worry finally disappear from her eyes, even if it’s only temporary.
“Right, but I can spit some mad rhymes, yo.” I hit the play button and my speakers fill with the familiar opening to my jam.
“Under Pressure? By Queen?” She looks at me confused.
“Nope!” I pretend to pick up an old-school mic, and belt out the opening line with way too much enthusiasm.
Holly can’t contain her laughter as the track fills the car with whispers of “Ice, Ice Baby.”
I sing Vanilla Ice’s masterpiece as I pull off onto the exit for Holly’s hometown. Holly is pretending she isn’t impressed, but I can tell her admiration is barely contained beneath the surface. I look over at her and she watches me, amused. Holly leans forward and turns the music down to a hush, but I keep singing along.
“Why the hell do you know all the words to Ice, Ice Baby?” She laughs.
“I told ya, I’m a straight up gangster!” I tease her.
“No, seriously,” she smiles and I’m happy to see the pain and fear are finally free from her gorgeous blue eyes.
“Well, besides the fact that it’s probably one of the greatest songs of all time, you mean?” I smirk.
“Yeah, besides that,” she tilts her head and her long hair cascades down over her shoulders.
“I had an overly arty teacher that incorporated it into our school Christmas play one year. As the head elf of the Ice Brigade, I needed to learn all the words,” I confess.
“Wow, you are the original gangster,” she laughs.
“Told you,” I squeeze her hand. I’ve hated seeing Holly so consumed by her fears and sadness. I’ve been trying to lighten the mood whenever I can. Besides, it helps me keep my mind off my own demons when I help her forget hers.
The worst times are when she just disappears into her shell though. Where I can’t reach her. I hate how I can see the agony play out on her face like a movie screen, knowing it was pain he caused her. Most of the time, she’ll talk about it. About how he beat her, controlled her, took away her spirit. The rage boils up inside me when I think about what he’s done to her. As difficult as it is to listen to what she’s been through, it’s harder still when she won’t talk about it. When she just cries or silently stares, refusing to say a word. Those are the times I know death is far too good for Knox. However, I’ll have no problem delivering it, if I get the chance.
Holly’s smile fades as she looks at what must be a trip down memory lane for her. “My parents’ house is just down this street,” she points to the sign on the corner and I flip on the signal.
“Are you sure you want to spend the night here? I can still bring you to Miami with me.” I offer, but she shakes her head stubbornly.
“No, this is something I need to do,” she answers firmly.
“Ok.” I drive slowly down the street of large houses with perfectly manicured lawns. “Which one is it?” I look over at her. She’s staring out the window again, but this time I know it’s not about Knox. No one should ever live with as much pain as she has in her life. I wish I could carry it all for her, every scar, and every memory. I hate knowing even half of what she’s been through.
“It’s down further,” she mumbles, her full lips flat line and her rosy cheeks pale. “Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me you’ll stay sober. I know it’s a bachelor party and there’s going to be a lot of temptation. Just, please, promise me?” She searches my face and my gut twists up in a knot. I can’t stand myself right now. The fact that she feels like she has to ask me this makes self-loathing and shame rush through my veins. I hate that I gave her any reason to doubt me. I never wanted to add another layer to her worries.
“I promise.” I whisper. “You have my word,” I answer simply, looking her in the eyes.
“Thank you,” she lets out the breath I didn’t realize she was holding. “Ok, this one, with the red car,” she points to a driveway ahead, “that’s my parents’ house.”
I pull in and recognize her mother immediately sitting on the hammock, reading. She looks much older looking, but is still gorgeous. She jumps up with a surprise upon noticing our arrival.
“There’s Mom,” Holly explains.
We watch as her mother starts to walk over to the car and then stops, blatantly staring at us before turning on her heel and speed walking into the house.
“Looks like this is going to go well,” she says dryly.
“Are you sure you want to stay here tonight?” I ask again, throwing the car in park. “You’re allowed to change your mind, you know.” I press her.
“It’ll be fine,” she forces a smile. The front door of the house flings back open and Holly’s father bounds outside, waving at us happily.
Holly unbuckles her seatbelt and slides out of the car, letting her father consume her in his bear hug. I walk over to their side of the car and hold out my hand, he takes a second to see it, but gives me a firm shake.
“It’s good to see you again, Sir.” I smile.
“You too. And I’m so happy to see you
, Holly,” he throws his arm over her shoulder, smiling.
“I’ll grab your bag,” I offer, but her father holds up his hand. “No, I’ll let you two say your goodbyes, let me grab it instead.” He doesn’t wait for an answer, walking over to the back door of my car, he plucks her bag from the seat and takes it into the house.
“Thanks, Dad!” Holly calls out and her father waves it off.
“Ok, well, if you need anything, I’m only a phone call away.” I hold her chin between my finger and thumb, tilting her head up to me and kiss her tenderly.
Holly melts into my arms as our tongues briefly collide. I pull back, resting my forehead against hers and she sighs. “It’s going to be fine,” she promises.
“I know, I just hate to leave you,” I admit.
“Knox doesn’t know where I’m from,” she squeezes my hand reassuring me for the tenth time.
I watched carefully while I was driving, keeping an eye out for any cars on our tail, but nothing. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that she’d be better off with me.
“I love you, Jake,” she whispers.
“I love you, too.” I run my hand through her hair and smile. “So much.”
I give her another quick kiss and force myself to get back into the car. As I back out of the driveway, I can’t help but feel like I’m making a mistake. Like I should grab her and take her with me, rather than leave her with a hostile mother and a ton of bad blood. Holly raises her hand to wave and I wave back, driving away, watching her shrink in the rearview mirror as I go.
“She’ll be ok, you can’t protect her from everything,” I tell myself, but the words fall flat when my heart, my gut and every fiber of my being is telling me differently. “It’s only one night. Just one night,” I repeat. As I drive away, I hope that this one night apart isn’t the one that destroys us.
34|Holly
“Have you made any friends yet? Are the neighbors nice?” Dad mops up the last of the sauce on his plate with a homemade bun as he continues to carry the conversation.
“No, I haven’t really made any friends yet, but everyone seems nice enough,” I answer.
“Are you going to get a job, or just keep sponging off Jake?” My mother’s tone is an Arctic blast despite the early summer Florida heat.
“Beverly,” my father hisses.
“It’s all right, Dad.” I wave away his instinct to jump in. “I haven’t been looking for a job yet, I’m actually thinking of finishing off my schooling. I think I’d like to go to college too,” I force a smile across my face and my mother doesn’t bat an eye. Not a single muscle twitches in her face as she stares me down across the table.
“College! That’s wonderful, honey!” My father exclaims, clapping his hands together loudly. “What for?”
“I think I’d like to look into working with animals. I don’t think I could be a vet, but maybe a veterinary assistant. I don’t know, I’m still figuring it all out, to be honest.” I look down at my empty plate. I helped myself to a second serving of Mom’s home cooking.
It’s funny, she’s been nothing but an ice queen to me since I walked in the door. I tried to give her a hug earlier and I’m pretty sure I have frostbite on my arms now. Yet, the Ice Queen still went out of her way to make my favorite meal. Veggie lasagna with smoked Gouda cheese on top. Between my mother’s sub-zero welcome and the meal, I couldn’t help but remember a simpler time in our family. Back when my sister and I used to play outside on January afternoons and come home to this very meal.
Simpler times indeed.
Mom stands up from the table and begins clearing the empty plates from my father and me. “Here, let me help you with that,” I offer, sliding my chair back and hopping to my feet.
“I don’t need any help, I’m used to clearing the table myself.” She shuts me down and grabs her stack of dishes like they’re a precious jewel I’m trying to pluck from her hands.
I ignore her and pick up the glasses and cutlery, following her into the kitchen close on her heels. Mom leans over the kitchen sink as the hot water pours into it from the tap and she sighs deeply. I slide the glasses and silverware onto the counter next to her and her head snaps up like an angry jack-in-the-box.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m helping you clear the table, why? What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that I told you to leave it alone!” She yells, her face flushing red.
“Whatever, why did you even ask me to come visit you guys. You obviously don’t want me here. It was a mistake to come back,” the forks and knives clink loudly as I drop them down next to her.
“Yeah, maybe it was a mistake,” her words knock my head back with the invisible punch they carry.
“Beverly! What are you doing?” My father stands in the doorway, his voice booming through the room.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to just act like everything is fixed because she’s decided to grace us with her presence for a night. It still doesn’t make up for any of it.” She looks from my father to me, leveling me with her glare, “It still doesn’t fix what you did!” She points her finger at me like she’s trying to stab me in the heart. That would probably hurt less than this.
“I never should have come here,” I can’t stand to look at her face, twisted up with rage and disgust. I turn around and cross the kitchen floor, pushing past my dad in the doorway.
Hot tears splash over my burning cheeks as I blindly make my way through the house. I don’t bother listening to the argument they’re having, to the actual words attached to the growing noise coming from them. Instead, I grab my coat, slip on my shoes and walk out the front door.
I don’t know where I’m going to go. I don’t care. I just need to get out of there. She hates me. My own mother hates me.
And I can’t even blame her.
35|Holly
I’m not sure how long I’ve been walking the empty streets of my small town. Nothing here seems to have changed one bit. It’s not even nine o’clock and this place makes a funeral parlor look like a hip hot spot.
Nothing has changed, I remind myself. My family is still as fucked up as before I ever left for Miami. It’s like we’ve all taken our pain and locked it into a time capsule, preserving every detail as fresh as the day we buried it.
I look up and come to a full stop as I realize where my feet have taken me. I’ve been in such a fog of memories and emotions that I haven’t even been paying attention to where I was going. My heart must have guided the way. Fresh tears fill my eyes as I look at the train bridge where my sister died.
I’ve never come back here. I just couldn’t do it; the memories were already too much to live with. I’m not sure if it’s courage or stupidity that propels me forward now, but either way, I can’t seem to stop my feet from closing the distance between me and the bridge.
For the first time since that night, I walk to the edge of the bank and look down to the water below that took Heather’s life. I struggle to breathe as the details from that night crash over me like a tidal wave.
“Did you come here to freak everyone out, or what?” I demanded. Heather was sitting off to the side, watching us like Jane Goodall researching a bunch of chimps instead of being a normal teenager at a party.
“I’m not freaking anyone out,” she stuck out her chin, but her eyes darted around at the crowd of underage drinkers behind me, searching for proof of my words.
“Yes, you are,” I took a huge gulp of the ridiculously strong rum and coke in my red Solo cup, and thrust another one, that was just as terribly mixed, under her nose. “You’re at a party, have some fun for once. Don’t just sit here like a plant. There are cute guys here tonight, let’s have some fun!” I pushed her.
“It’s just not my thing,” she grasped the cup in her hand and wrinkled her nose at the smell.
“Yeah, and how’s ‘your thing’ working out for you? God, you’ve got no friends, no boyfriend, and you’re bringing everyone down here. Why don
’t you try a different thing for once? I know, you can do ‘my thing’ for tonight and go have some fun for once in your life,” I egged her on.
“Oh, what’s that? Get drunk and make out with every guy here? No thanks,” she snarked.
“Yeah! Exactly! Have some fun! Be young! Stop acting like you’re ninety-two. God, we’re sixteen and our parents are out of town for the weekend. Get crazy! Let your hair down for once.” I finished the nasty drink in my cup.
“I wouldn’t know what to do anyway,” Heather shrugged, giving up. But, I wasn’t taking no for an answer.
Why didn’t I just leave her alone?
“Ok, step one: drink up. Step two: get off your ass and have some fun. There you go, there’s your insider tips on how to be a normal teenager for once. Come on, we’re going to go climb on the guardrails under the bridge and smoke a joint, just come with us.” I held out my hand to help her off the ground.
“Nah, I’ll just wait for you here,” she looked down at the ground.
“No! No way! It’s time to stop acting like such an old granny. Listen, I dare you, I double-dog, twin dare you to get up and come with us. Come on, what’s the worst that could happen? You could have some fun? You know you gotta now, it’s a dare. You can’t turn down a double-dog, twin dare. There’s like a law or something,” I joked.
The pressure was too much. Heather shrugged, gulped back her entire drink, and she never drank, then hopped to her feet. I should’ve known that the liquor would hit her hard. I should’ve let her sit and watch the party in peace. Instead, I bullied her into doing what I wanted.
I’m not sure how much more booze she drank, but I knew she was tipsy when I watched her kiss Josh Rexton on the lips. Heather was a shy girl, so quiet and so camouflaged into the background that a lot of people didn’t even realize I had a twin. Kissing a high school senior wasn’t her style. Nothing about that night was her style.
I shouldn’t have let her climb out there first. She was feeling the booze and acting crazy. I told her to wait, but she jumped up on the metal guardrail and started shuffling her feet as she gripped hand-over-hand out toward the middle of the bridge. It was hard to see much more than her silhouette, but I could still hear her.
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