"Dude, pour that shit in!" I said, beckoning him over.
He started to pour a few drops in, and the smell immediately hit my nose. It was glorious.
"That's awesome," I said as I leaned back against the tub.
It was kind of cool having a full-size tub too. I halfway expected gnome size, and I was going to have to do a whore bath.
"Also, you can call me sergeant," I said, "Not your grace or anything like that. Actually strike that, you can call me dude."
There was no Telethan direct translation for dude, so I am pretty sure when I said the word, it was directly received.
"Yes, dude," he said, retreating to his place.
I smiled widely.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Arschtreten," he said apologetically and then quickly added, "Dude."
"His name?" I said, pointing to the towel boy.
"Handtuche," the towel boy said, and then added, "Uh, My Dude."
I laughed a little, which just embarrassed Handtuche.
"You're a good man," I said to reassure him, "You guys are doing great!"
They both smiled.
I got out, dried off, put on fresh clothes, and met Cloy and Snarf back in the bedroom.
"You guys ready?" I asked the pair.
"Ready for what?" Snarf asked.
"Ready to get some ammo!" I said excitedly. The whole time I had been in gnomeland, I wanted to work the ammo issue. I was close to solidifying my hold on the land. Without my M4, I was next to worthless, so it was important that I had the ability to use it.
Cloy stood up and said, "After you."
Snarf stood as well but didn't say anything.
I called out, "Arsch, can you come here, please?"
Within moments the little gnome entered my room and bowed, "How may I serve, Dude?"
Cloy arched an eyebrow at me.
"I need you to take me to, uh," I pulled out my green notebook and flipped to the proper entry, "Lego she in as hell e ugh," I said, butchering the name of my contact.
Arsch turned his head to the side, looking like a german shepherd.
Cloy let out a long exasperated sigh, "Legosheinasheliegh," she said expertly.
"Master Legosh?" Arsch replied.
"Yes?" I replied in the affirmative.
"I can take you there! Right this way!" he said.
My trio followed the diminutive man-creature through dozens of tunnels and halls, before finally winding up in a large open square cavern with wooden shops. The shops were stacked on top of each other in a tier like pattern. Railed walkways ensure the safety of pedestrians, and more than one elevator carried various wares from the reaches down to the floor.
The highest shops were easily eighty feet above the ground. Gnomes walked around on their daily business, barely making a peep. The metallic banging of hammers rhythmically echoed through the enclosed space.
"This is the market district," Arsch exclaimed.
More than one gnome seeing me enter, turned and took a longer than polite mental image of the three of us.
"Lead on," I said.
"Yes, dude," Arsch said and continued on his mission.
We followed him up three levels before standing in front of a magnificent silver-plated shop with rose-tinted windows. A sigil of what looked like a pocket watch hung over the three-foot-high door.
I pulled a string that was attached to a bell next to the entrance.
"Geoffnet," I heard a deep aged voice say.
Arsch showed me in.
Getting down on hands and knees, I crawled through the entranceway.
Sitting behind a counter was an old gnome with huge glasses, a bulbous nose, and watery, yet bright eyes.
He was looking down, working on some project with a pair of tweezers and a screwdriver.
I was unable to stand, as the ceiling was just barely five feet tall. The room was about twenty feet in diameter, and there was enough room to stretch out. I took a seat in front of the counter.
"Habe es fast," he said, manipulating the tweezers in his hand.
I heard an almost inaudible tick as he positioned something.
He gingerly put his tools down and wiped his hands on the white apron he wore.
Finally, looking up, he exclaimed, "Oh, a human."
Arsch, apparently feeling it was his moment, introduced me, "This is the warrior, slayer of the Archmage, destroyer of," he stumbled for a moment, "the evil dragon. May I present, Dude!"
Cloy rolled her eyes.
I smiled, although I knew I was going to have to correct Arsch later. He should be calling me the dude when introducing me, not just dude.
The gnome on the other side didn't look impressed, "Dude, I am Legosheinasheliegh, Master Tinkerer."
"It is fucking awesome to meet you," I said.
"How can I be of service?" he asked.
I had waited so patiently. The long and dangerous road behind me seemed to be worth it. I was about to have a way to replenish my ammunition.
I proffered a single round and said, "Can you duplicate this?"
He grabbed it from my hand and placed it on the green felt mat.
I sat up and watched nervously.
Master Legosh turned around and retrieved a rolled-up case from a shelf. He unrolled the container, revealing ten magnifying glasses that appeared identical in every way except the tent of the glass. They ranged in hue from red to green.
I started to say something, but he put his finger in the air asking for silence.
He pulled each magnifying glass from the case and thoroughly examined the casing, bullet, and primer, all the while taking notes.
After ten minutes or so, he finally looked up, notepad in hand.
"The large part is made of an alloy of zinc and copper in a four to one ratio, with just a hint of iron. This part," he said, pointing to the bullet, "is steel encased in copper." He flipped the bullet over to show me the primer, "This part is made of nickel."
"You can take that round apart too, to identify the innards," I said helpfully.
Within minutes, and with my help, he had the ammo completely disassembled into four pieces: the primer, casing, powder, and bullet.
Once again, he examined them all with his magnifying glass.
The whole ordeal took at least twenty minutes. I sat with bated breath, praying that he somehow could replicate the lot.
"It's possible to duplicate these items," he said, looking up.
I let out a long sigh of relief.
He pointed at my M4, "I assume there is some sort of striking mechanism that hits this primer, which ignites this powder, and pushes this bullet out of that?"
"Exactly," I said.
He nodded to himself.
"It is good that you came to me," he said, "lesser tinkerers might skip steps or perhaps use inadequate materials. The pressures exuded would be enormous."
"Probably," I agreed.
"Tell me, when you shoot that weapon, does it create a loud explosion-like sound? Perhaps louder than a rock falling from a high cliff?" he asked.
Cloy answered from the doorway, "It's the loudest sound in Teletha."
He nodded again, satisfied.
"Can you see the bullet travel through the air?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
Once again, he nodded.
"I will need about ten thousand clacks to set up the machinery, and then it will cost about three clacks per round," he said after going through some details on his book.
I swallowed hard, "Ten thousand?"
He nodded, "Correct."
"OK," I said. I considered haggling for a minute, but ten thousand or eight thousand, I didn't have that kind of money. "Thanks for your time," I said, turning around to crawl out.
"Did you need this back?" he said, pointing to the four piles.
"You hold on to it for right now," I said, "I'll be back with the money."
The walk back to my apartment yielded few ideas. I, of course, as
ked Cloy and Snarf, and neither of them had anything worthwhile to say.
When I arrived at my apartment, I noticed my bed had been made, my things neatly cleaned and organized, and a small note laid on top of the comforter.
I grabbed it and read aloud, "His Highness Tooknar Diamondtooth, requests the presence of your company and retainers for a private meal this evening at sunset. Please let us know if you cannot attend."
"Impressive that you garner so much respect," Cloy remarked.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"A king does not request someone to join him for a meal in his own kingdom unless he views you as a peer," she said, "I went over this with you already."
Growing up as a westerner, I was not accustomed to being ordered to do anything. Joining the army changed that view and caused me to listen to orders of those who were clearly my superiors. Civilians weren't my superiors.
"The king is smart to treat someone so powerful, equally," Snarf said in a rare show of respect. "He knows that his guest," he said, pointing to me, "will someday rule Teletha."
I looked at both of them and saw Cloy giving an evil stare towards Snarf, "What do you know about it?"
"Yes or no questions only," Snarf said.
I hadn't forgotten about my questions, and the more I thought about what I wanted to ask, the more I was hesitant to ask them. Snarf told me he was responsible for the Stinger and the Ale Tree. He could probably answer some questions properly.
I looked at Cloy, "What is he talking about?"
"They are binary questions that have single answers of the positive or negative," she said coyly.
"Seriously?" I said.
She sighed and went over to sit down on the bed. "You are obviously special," she said.
"Only because I am not from here," I replied. I was hoping some information was about to come forth.
"It's way more than that," she started. "You come from a land that has unlocked some secrets of the universe."
"Like what?" I asked.
"First of all, goats don't die in thousands because someone disrespected Bolokbal," she said. "They die from disease or some other natural cause."
"But sacrificing virgins brings the rain, right?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes, "Exactly my point."
Snarf said, "You will be,” and corrected himself, “you are, powerful."
"So what gives then? How do you two know each other? Why do you have this tepid respect for each other, but seem to be at odds?"
"That was very insightful," Cloy said appreciatively.
"Dodging that one, huh?"
"I promise I will say more when I can," she replied.
Not satisfied with the tidbits I just received, I decided to press my luck, "Then answer me this, why are there horses? Why aren't there dogs? There's wolves, but no dogs. How am I able to even eat the food on this planet? How come my diseases haven't caused a plague? How come the diseases here haven't killed me?"
"You are more intelligent than you let on," Snarf commented.
"That's nice," I said and then beckoned Cloy for an answer
"Just a guess," she said apologetically.
"Sure, just a guess," I said hopefully.
"The Archmage that brought you here invoked some very powerful magic. The Archmage invoked a being of such immense power that the being reached into the ether and plucked you from a world that was very similar to Teletha, and if that world didn't exist, then the being created your world to suit its needs," she explained.
I was a little dumbfounded. "What type of being has that much power?" I asked.
"A god," Snarf replied.
"A higher god," Cloy corrected him.
"There's levels to gods?" I asked.
"Many levels," Snarf replied.
That got me thinking for a minute, "So this Archmage was able to control a god?" I asked.
They both laughed, "Oh no," Cloy said.
"If they please the god by conducting the proper ritual, the god will reward them with a reasonable request," Snarf said.
"But it was dangerous to try something as powerful as bringing you here," Cloy responded.
"Why?" I asked.
"Gods do not like to be manipulated; they do the manipulation. When a god is invoked but thinks the person invoking is not giving enough gratitude, the god will ensure something goes wrong or backfires," Snarf said.
"Like the ultimate warrior, you conjure shooting you in the chest twice?" I asked.
"Exactly," Cloy said.
I paused a minute, digesting the new information. "How do you guys know so much?" I knew Snarf was a powerful being and had magic. Cloy had proven herself intelligent and useful as well.
A knock on the door brought my line of questioning to an abrupt end.
I opened the portal to reveal Arsch standing there, a broad grin on his face.
"My Dude," he said, happy as could be, "his highness the king has sent me to fetch your response to his invitation."
Not waiting for the other two, I said in a haughty tone, "Give my compliments to his royal awesomeness, and inform him thusly, that I, the Dude, shall attend."
"Very good, My Dude," Arsch said, and then disappeared.
"Do you take nothing seriously?" Snarf asked.
He wasn't chastising me; he was genuinely curious.
"I've been in countless firefights, seen the lights go out in my buddies eyes, and watched as a wife and children cried over the casket of their loved ones," I started, hard memories hitting me. "I give two fucks about decorum and whatnot. I'll play these games as long as I'm not bored."
Snarf just nodded.
Cloy looked at me with a little more respect.
Both creeped the fuck out of me.
Let me explain. I knew Cloy was something more than a human. Obviously, Snarf was too. The fact that those two knew a common language bothered me. The fact that Cloy knew something was up with his box bothered me. The fact that I conjured a fucking surface to air missile, and somehow Snarf was behind it, bothered me.
So what the fuck would you do in that situation? Tell them that I was on to them? Ask three questions right out? I trusted Cloy more than any person in Teletha, but that wasn't saying much. I trusted Snarf as much as I trusted the ANA. I knew, however, that if Cloy or Snarf wanted something bad to happen to me, there wasn't anything I could do. I also knew that I was dead already. I had a bad feeling that when I was on that patrol, that big flash of light and hard heat I felt before arriving in Teletha, was something planted by the Taliban.
Cloy looked at me with a half-smile, somehow reading my mind, "You are a rare treasure among men."
Now I like to think that she was hitting on me, or at least flirting with me. No, she was giving me a genuine compliment. Her term men, was not to say males, but probably to say mortals—just my guess.
I spent the remainder of the time napping.
Cloy awakened me when Arsch came to collect me.
Standing up and stretching, I yawned one of those really loud dad yawns and looked around.
Both Cloy and Snarf were dressed in a multicam pattern.
"That's cool," I said, remarking on the clothing.
"A gift from his highness," Cloy said.
"Quite," Snarf tried to find the words, "fashionable," he said with a forced smile.
There were even two little American Flags.
"Murica!" I said, picking up my M4. I left my plate carrier and assault pack behind.
Arsch made small talk as he led me to the king's private dining chamber.
Unlike the grand hall or the throne room, the private dining chamber consisted of a sturdy, undecorated long wood table and simple but useful stone dishes.
Four other gnomes were already seated, a young-looking blond gnome who was looking way too interested in me, an older gnome wearing black and blue robes, a female gnome who was the guest of the robed guy, and some poor worker gnome, who seemed very uncomfortable. Two gnome sized seats remained em
pty on the head of the table, and two people size seats, with a gnome size seat, remained empty on my side.
I noted that one of the chairs was at the opposite head.
Fabulous gnome stood by a far door, and I was happy to see Glory Beard took up the opposite side.
I strode forward and stood behind my chair.
Every seat had a dedicated servant gnome with a napkin and a glass ready to assist.
I whispered to Cloy, who took the other human size chair, "Should I sit?"
She gave me a shrug and then took a seat. Snarf did the same.
As soon as the two sat, Fabulous announced the entrance of the king and queen.
"His royal highness Tooknard Diamondtooth and the queen Breanne Obsidianheart," Fabulous announced.
Not sure if it was rude to sit before them, after them, or what, I decided to look towards Arsch.
The king sat his queen.
An awkward pause and moment later, and we ended up sitting together with a little help from Arsch and Cloy.
The king wasted no time, "Thank you for accepting my invitation."
"Thank you for inviting me," I said, as a servant laid a napkin in my lap.
I'm not going to lie; I'm happy the gnomes used forks and knives versus chopsticks or something else.
He nodded to me.
"I would like to introduce you to my special guest this evening," he said, indicating the poor worker. "This is Tianarak Lokin, a copper miner."
"It is good to meet you," I said from across the table.
"Th, th, thank you, My Dude," he stuttered.
The king didn't introduce anyone else, and I had that strange feeling as if I had already met the others at the table. The two women were obviously his wife and daughter, but I didn't recall meeting the wizard looking guy.
The king asked about my stay, if my quarters were to my liking, what I thought of gnomeland, and whatnot. It was all very congenial.
I, of course, am not a complete asshole, so I was very respectful.
After about twenty minutes of meaningless banter, we got to the true heart of the matter.
"So what are you to do after your visit here?" the queen asked.
"Probably head back to Teletha, your highness. I believe the city could use a helping hand," I said, nodding to Cloy.
She acknowledged the nod.
"And may I ask what brought you here in the first place?" she continued.
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