"This has been a most productive interview," Sykon Autumnleaf said, "but our time is coming to close this day. I wish you a peaceful slumber," he said, stood, and bowed slightly.
"Thanks," I said, laying down on the bed and curling into the fetal position.
The harp music continued to pulse rhythmically into my body. Sleep took mere moments to find me.
I knew I was in a dream.
I was naked and wondering through a black sanded wasteland. Skulls and bodies littered the ground. All around me was death.
A hot wind hit my face.
A bright light filled the sky. It was beautiful but powerful.
"I have brought you here to show you the results of your failure," the voice spoke. It was remorseful yet hopeful.
"What have I failed to do?" I begged the voice to tell me.
"Not what you have done, but what may come," the voice responded.
I personally thought that was kind of dick move to word it like that, but who was I to question a god thingy.
Suddenly I was cast into a thriving metropolis with a bright blue sky, buildings with vines integrated into the stonework, and cataracts falling from the tops. Flying vehicles resembling dragonflies fluttered this way and that. People of all types walked hand in hand, smiling and enjoying life.
"You now see what is at stake," it said, "I brought you here to find the path of this land."
"Wait, you brought me here!" I shouted.
"Now wake, and remember," the voice said.
I didn't have to puke when I woke up, but I did start coughing immediately.
I noted there was no harpist and no guards in my room. A fresh set of robes was hanging on my door. A chamber pot was conveniently located in the corner and in the opposite corner, a pitcher of water with a bowl.
I did my ablutions, which is a fancy word for taking a piss and cleaning my face.
After I completed my routine, I tried to open the door. It was securely bolted on the other side, and it opened inward.
I decided to knock.
The door unbolted, and a moment later, it was opened to reveal one of the guards in their resplendent green armor.
"Sho?" she said, in a lovely deep female voice. Like Lucy Lawless deep, you know like she's serious but still feminine.
"Uh, hi," I said, "Can you find me, my lawyer?" I asked to stern eyes.
"Mata?" she asked.
What the hell was that guy's name? "Syphon!"
Her head cocked to the side with the same expression shared by German shepherds and humans alike.
"Sykon?" I asked hesitantly.
Recognition donned on her face, and she nodded another shared expression.
The door closed and was bolted.
Ten minutes later or so, and I heard a gentle rap on my door.
"Come in," I said. I wanted to say that I was a prisoner and what was the point of knocking, but I decided against it.
The door opened, and Sykon entered, wearing the same colored robes he wore before.
"Kevin," he said, "I am happy to see you awake."
I started coughing a little, but it wasn't a body-wracking fit as before. "Thanks."
He walked to the pitcher, poured a cup, and handed it to me. "Have you thought of the witnesses you wish to call?"
"I have actually, but that wasn't why I asked for you," I said.
"Oh?" he inquired.
"I need more information about this tribunal," I said, "Who are the judges, and who is the prosecution?"
A wash of confusion touched his face, and he said, "Prosecution? I'm not familiar with the term."
"Who represents the state? I mean, who is arguing against me?" I asked.
He stopped for a moment, and then said, "No one argues against you. You are guilty. We must successfully argue for your innocence. The judges are the king, the high adjudicator, and a random citizen. The verdict of innocence must be a simple majority.
"Wait, so I have to prove to a tribunal that has the king on it, that I am innocent?" I asked in disbelief.
Sykon smiled and folded his hands in front of him, "It's actually easier than you may realize, traditionally it is the duty of the random citizen to vote against the king, to prove that justice does not serve the crown."
I thought about that for a moment, and my mind immediately went to the high adjudicator, "So I only have one elf to prove my innocence towards?"
"When Dias Knotwood was tried for the murder of his daughter, his son, and his wife, at the witness of his other son, the court was unanimous in its guilty verdict. Likewise, when Tarin Broadleaf was accused of murder for the death of her husband, whose body was found at the peak of Jakaran, the court was unanimous in its innocent verdict. It is not guaranteed the random citizen will vote against the king, but in your case, I would, I believe the term is, bet on it."
I nodded in understanding. The high adjudicator was the professional, the king was royalty, and the rando was there to make sure justice wasn't being perverted. If they didn't know for certain what happened, then the king and rando would disagree, leaving the ultimate decision to the professional.
"So the king is involved in every case? You guys don't have a lot of crime here, huh?" I noted.
"No, only cases which involve murder, or other heinous crimes," he said.
"Like being a human?" I said, and then instantly regretted it.
"Your type has systematically enslaved, murdered, and raped my kind for generations," he said without emotion.
"Have I?" I asked.
He smiled again, "You offer no defense and no statement of betterment. Do you not defend your race?"
"I don't defend assholes who do asshole things if that is what you are asking," I said.
"It is, in fact, what I am asking, Kevin," he said.
I stuttered a moment and said, "Well, I don't."
He laughed a bit and then said, "As your advocate, I am bound to a code of rules. Prime among them the rule of silence. I am bound to not speak to the tribunal unless asked a direct question."
"We have something similar," I said, "Attorney-client confidentiality."
"I have not heard of this among Telethans," he said.
"Well, here is your first surprise," I said, "I am not Telethan."
He looked actually stunned, like full-on, you take a hot chick home from the bar, and they have a surprise in their pants, stunned.
"I'm American," I said. I wasn't quite sure what the term for an Earth guy is, so I settled on America. Is it Earthican? Also, for all you European assholes who seem to think American confers habitation status to North and South America, look up the definition of a colloquialism, you pretentious fucks.
"Green folk, pirate, or Telethan, those are the realms of humankind," he said, "I have never heard that of America."
"It's awesome," I bragged, "Burgers, beer, boobs, and the fourth of July!"
Confusion filled his face.
"Nevermind," I said.
"Is that where you learned to study law?" he asked.
I thought about this for a moment. Alabama wasn't exactly the educational front runner in the country, but we weren't exactly last. OK, we might have been last, I'm not sure, but what we lacked in stupid formal education, we made up for in meth.
"I received my education at the prestigious Univesity of Auburn," I said.
"I have never heard of it," he replied, seeming to start small talk, "Is it large?"
"Ten thousand students," I guessed. To be honest, I had no idea, but Auburn wasn't exactly small.
He gasped, "So large?"
"At least ten thousand, maybe more," I said.
"All educated?" he said.
"Yeah, not so much," I said, "There's always the gender studies department."
"I'm sorry?" he asked.
"Forget it," I replied, "Anyway, where I come from, there are well over three hundred million in the country and nearly seven billion in the world."
His eyes went wide, "You speak the tru
th?"
"Why would I lie to you?" I asked defensively.
A knock on the door interrupted our conversation.
"Kanaa," Sykon said.
A short elf, with sharp features, entered the room. He wore red robes and had a large pendant hanging from a chain around his neck.
Sykon nodded to me like before, which was the cross between a bow and a yes nod, and excused himself.
The elf who walked in gave a deep bow to my advocate and said, "Sykon pretule."
"What's up?" I said to the newcomer, trying to ingratiate myself.
He spoke in a long paragraph of jibber-jabber, followed by some hand gestures, before finally saying to me, "I can advocate for human."
Chapter 26
I want to summarize this entry into my saga as nothing but pure confusion.
When Sykon left, and the new guy came in, I was a little confused.
When the guards followed behind the new guy and escorted me to a big room, I was just flabbergasted.
I was in a grand courtroom that was well lit and seemed to be carved from the inside of a tree, just like the hallways and the room I had occupied earlier.
On one side was a gallery, with at least one hundred seats. On the other, a single table with three seats. In the center, a solitary seat with no desk or table.
The guards were not shy about telling me where I was supposed to go, and my advocate followed behind me.
I occupied the lone seat and waited for about five minutes before I heard the gallery fill behind me.
I chanced a look and saw a bunch of elves start to fill the chairs. Intermixed, and towards the back, I saw dwarves, gnomes, and one old looking fairy.
I narrowed my eyes in hatred. I had done my best to avoid thinking about her betrayal, but seeing her back there, with that smug fairy look on her face, made my blood boil.
Arsch waved at me and gave me a supportive thumbs up.
I did my best to smile at him.
I started to fantasize about all the things I would do to that fairy.
The two guards at my side stood me up gently. They were not rude but were not weak, either.
The new guy, my new advocate, whispered in my ear, "Stand, not sit until told you to."
A crier called out a word, and the entire room stood.
I watched as a lone elf, dressed in brown and grey, walked and stood behind the left chair. Following him was an older elf dressed in bright purple robes; he stood behind the right chair. Finally, I saw Sykon walk in and seat himself in the center chair. The gallery seated, and the other two members of the tribunal seated themselves as well.
The elf in purple to the right, Sykon, stood back up and began a long speech. I did my best to focus and tried somehow to understand the words, but I just couldn't.
Still confused as to why Sykon was sitting on the tribunal instead of being my advocate, I chanced a glance at him. He remained stoic and poised.
Finally, the purple guy sat and looked at me.
"Jilty, or innocent," my advocate said in my ear.
I attempted the stoicism of Sykon and said in my best board voice, "Innocent." What I was pleading innocent to, I was unsure, but I figured the word innocent was far better than the word guilty, even if mispronounced.
The tribunal shared a word with each other, and then the man in purple said something to my advocate.
"Three people," he said.
"Three people for what? Are they saying I killed three people?" I asked.
He looked blankly at me, and after a moment said, "You killed three people?"
Sykon, seeing the confusion between us, spoke up, "The defendant may call three people to testify on his behalf, to show the character of the defendant. To prove that the defendant is not a warrior of Bolokbal, and is therefore immune to the king's decree."
That made a lot more sense. I had thought of a quick strategy and decided I only needed two, the dwarf who I freed and Arsch.
"I would like to call Starny Ironnose," I said without emotion.
There was a longer pause than I was comfortable with before finally, Sykon said something something Starny Ironnose.
I looked behind me towards the gallery, as a couple of guards looked around. Finally, one sheepish looking dwarf stood up and followed the pair towards the center of the court, halfway between myself and the tribunal.
The dwarf kneeled before Sykon. Sykon spoke to him in a sharp language, very different from the flowing elfish.
The dwarf acknowledged it and stood.
It seemed like a whole, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth thing.
"You may ask your questions," Sykon said.
My advocate began to loop behind my chair, but I stopped him. He gave me a pleading look as if I was about to make a huge mistake, but I ignored him and strode forward.
I once did a mock trial in tenth grade. I was a juror, but I got the gist of things.
"How are you doing, Starny Ironnose?" I asked tactfully.
"Canna complain, efin I did, nona would care," he said in his heavy accent.
I struggled to understand him, but the king seemed to entertain his every word.
I decided to take the king's advice and be straight and to the truth. "Did I rescue you?"
"Aye, you did," he said.
"And did I ask you prior to rescuing you? Did I do my best to ensure your choice mattered?" I asked.
"Gonna be honest, you fookin made my hackles rise askin me all dat bullshite, nexa time Imma need som rescuin, ya best just pull it oft!" he said in a long rant.
My cousin was two when I was ten, and my aunt used to translate for him. My aunt would instantly repeat everything he said but in English. I really missed her.
"Is that a yes?" I asked, honestly.
"Aye," he said.
"Does that sound like a follower of Bolokbal?" I asked to the entire chamber.
He spat on the floor, looked straight into the king's eyes, and slowed his speech, "If he be a follower of Bolokbal, then I be a fookin fairy."
The king smiled broadly and then repeated the sentiment to the other two, who in turn smiled themselves.
I felt like I should have had a lot more questions for him, but that was all I could muster. The shows on TV always had attorneys present these long thought out arguments. My dumb ass just essentially asked if he thought I was a Bolokbal follower.
"Uh, no further questions, your kingness," I stumbled.
The head adjudicator looked a little embarrassed for me, and the king was doing his best to maintain his composure. I had a feeling I was not running the normal protocol.
"You may call your next witness," the king said mirthfully, but then regained his composure.
The guards escorted the foul-mouthed dwarf away.
"I call Arsch, the gnome," I said. I was a little worried they wouldn't let me call him since he was the one who vouched for me.
Arsch was ready and made his way to the front, head held high.
Sykon spoke to him in flawless Gnomish, and as was proper, Arsch kneeled.
"Ja," Arsch said and then stood.
Sykon gestured to me.
"Arsch, how long have you known me?" I asked.
Sykon once again translated for the benefit of his other judges.
"I have known you at least half a year, My Dude," he said.
Sykon almost spoke up but decided against it.
"And do you believe I am a follower of Bolokbal?" I asked. I figured attacking the problem head-on might be the best solution.
"No," he said loudly, and then added, "And on my honor, I would challenge any who claim you do!"
His voice was so full of anger and frustration. It was a side of him I hadn't seen before.
How do you follow that up? The answer was succinct and perfect.
"I have no," I started.
Arsch interrupted me, "This human saved the lives of gnomes! He saved dwarves! He saved goblins! He even saved a cave trol
l!" he shouted.
I was going to stop him, but I decided against it. He had a lot to let out.
"This human saved my life in the caves when a hoard of crickets attacked! This human has treated me as nothing but an equal since I met him!" he yelled, turning about. He stared at the guards daring them to stop him. "When I was captured, this human could have left me! He could have run away! He did not!" he continued his turn until finally, his eyes rested on Sykon.
"Are you finished?" Sykon said condescendingly.
This just made Arsch angrier.
"We needed your help! He," he said, pointing at me, "needed your help. Instead, you imprisoned him for the crime of being human."
Sykon winced slightly at that statement but recomposed himself.
I walked towards Arsch and laid a hand on his shoulder.
The gnome was shaking with rage.
"Thank you," I said.
Arsch looked at me, then looked back at the king. He realized he had basically called out a sovereign. He bowed slightly, turned, and walked back to his seat, his head just as high as it was when he came out.
The king and the other two spoke at length before Sykon asked, "Do you have no one else to call?"
I shook my head and said, "No, your majesty."
In elfish, the king said something, rose, and walked out, the other two in tow.
The rest of the gallery, and I, stood and waited for their departure.
My advocate whispered in my ear, "We can talk."
I brushed him off, "Dude, just fucking be useful, go get me a drink."
The advocate stuck his nose in the air and walked away.
I was too mean to him, and he was trying his best. It wasn't his fault he didn't speak Telethan or English or whatever the fuck.
I was made to stay in the courtroom, while everyone else got to go do whatever. I later learned that wood elf justice demanded that once a person was put on trial, he could not leave the courtroom. It was a protection measure against political adversaries. Only one trial at a time and the tribunal couldn't extend a trial indefinitely.
A small maid brought in a chamber pot and charcuterie. That's right, I used another big word, charcuterie. Mom would be proud. Of course, if she found out that I only learned the word by watching Letterkenny, she might be upset.
The maid curtsied meekly and walked away.
Of Gods & Grunts Page 23