"No." I had learned to be direct with my matron of pain. Hedging answers was for commoners.
"A warrior should not be dependent on a single weapon, and that," she pointed to my knife, "is the weapon of defense or assassination."
"Spear training?" I looked to Arsch, who once again just gave a shrug.
"To master the sword, one must have years to study. To be the master of the sword is to conquer the melee. To be proficient in the sword is to fail in every fight," she recited by rote.
I tried to paraphrase her statement for clarification, "If I learn a little bit, I'll know just enough to get into trouble?"
She nodded, a rare smile on her face.
"A person with a spear with two days of training is superior to that of a warrior with one day of training," she said.
I nodded this time.
"Meet at the Ludi when you have completed your ablutions," she said and dismissed herself.
Arsch and I found our way to a large carved out section of the tree. It was easily forty meters across, and except for the court or ballroom was the largest hollow in the tree.
All manner of weapons, targets, dummies, and sigils lined the walls. Brown sand covered the floor in the center ring, which measured ten meters in diameter. Concentric circles were drawn from the edges and flowed in like ripples on a pond.
A male elf in the stylized leaf armor of the royal guard stood on one side, with a smaller warrior next to him. The smaller warrior had his back to me and held a spear that was five feet tall with a large bulbed end. He wore padded armor that still looked flexible, like if you crossed a police dog training suit and yoga pants.
“This is Sir Tonna Greenstem, of the royal guard,” Chibushka said.
“My Dude,” he said with a bow that passed the basic definition.
Chibushka pointed to a rack and said, "You may store your equipment there, no one will pay it any bother."
I did as I was told and walked over to the opposite side of the ring, expecting some sort of ceremonial jiu-jitsu thingy.
Chibushka occupied a chair at the outer edge of the ludi, plucked a tiny scroll from her bag, and proceeded to read. It was the first time she was not directly participating in my training
The large elf walked around the circle and stopped mere feet from me and said, "This is the hero?"
The question was directed at me because he didn't even acknowledge Arsch. I figured it was some sort of initiation or whatever, so I said nothing.
That seemed to piss him off more. "I've spilt the blood of a hundred of your kind, most of them larger than you."
It wasn't what he said, but how he said it, that angered me. I patronized him by saying, "Wow, you are so amazing."
"Perhaps I should do the king a favor and slice off this pathetic leach that has latched on to his hospitality," he said, drawing closer.
That one stung a little. Probably because I had felt like I was taking too much advantage of the elves hospitality as it was. "What's your problem, asshole?"
He leaned closer, his head was at my chest level, and said with that pompous, arrogant tone, "Your kind soils this forest with your stench. When Sykon comes to his senses, I will be the first volunteer to run my sword through your gut."
I almost pushed him but decided against it. Instead, I decided to double down on my shit-talking and said, "Bring it bitch." I promised myself I would be more liberal with my speech next time.
He wasn't familiar with the colloquialism but understood from context my intended message.
"You have no right to challenge me, you pathetic human." He spat to the side after saying, human.
The warrior who I had thought was a male elf, turned around, and revealed herself to be very female. She was about four foot eight, weighed one hundred pounds, soaking wet, pockets filled with loonies and toonies. She was also, like most elves, drop-dead gorgeous.
She stood outside the ring, determination plastered on her face.
Asshole McFuckface walked to a stand, retrieved a practice spear similar to Hot Female Warrior's, and roughly heaved it against my chest.
I gave Sir McFuckface, son of Douchebag, an angry gaze.
Hotty stepped into the ring.
"Are you afraid of a female?" he asked.
I rolled my eyes and stepped into the ring.
Hotty lifted her spear, "No blood."
I mimicked her, suddenly realizing I had no padding on. "No blood."
She smiled and put her spear into an obvious defensive position, with the bulb towards me.
"You know, if this is some sort of cliche fight to show that you are better with a spear than me, then there is no need. I don't need to get my ass kicked to respect you as a warrior," I said as we closed the distance. "You've probably been using that thing longer than I've been alive."
A sparkle hit her eye, and I saw a smile form on her perfect face. Almond eyes, black hair, she was a beautiful example of a wood elf.
"Shota!" Asshole, McFuckface shouted.
With lightning speed, Hotty came in hard and fast. I barely had enough time to bring my spear down before she gently touched my stomach with the bulb.
McFuckface shouted something in elfish, and then said to me, "Reset."
I mimicked Hotty and went to the edge of the ring.
"Shota!" Dickhead said.
Once again, we closed the distance, and once again, Hotty came straight in on me, but this time swiped the spear across my neck, with the most gentle of touches.
"Nice one!" I said.
McFuckface angrily yelled in elfish again, and once again, we reset.
Not waiting for me to catch my breath, he yelled, "Shota!"
Hotty walked to the center and planted her spear with the tip in the air, on her right side. She then made an exaggerated show of pushing her arm straight out, windmilling it down to her right hip, and gripping the spear in her right hand. With her left, she beckoned me to do the same.
I did so.
She then grasped the spear at chest level with her left hand.
I did the same.
A beautiful smile appeared on her face. She took a step back with the right, twisted her foot, and brought her right hand, still gripping the spear to her hip.
It took me a second, but I was able to mirror her movement.
"Move forward, and touch my stomach," she ordered.
I did so.
Asshole raged as he stormed out of the ludi.
I watched as he left, curious as to why he was so pissed.
Hotty saw the look on my face and explained, "He volunteered to initiate you to the ludi, so he might witness your embarrassment."
I shrugged, "Sorry to disappoint him."
She smiled and said, "Now that the distractions are gone, your training will begin."
I nodded.
"In this circle, you will say kai pilla, or lo pilla. Kai is the word for yes. Lo is the word for no. Pilla means teacher of war," she said patiently. "Do you understand?"
I had a deep desire to not disappoint Hotty and said, "Kai pilla."
"Good korta," she said. "Now move here, and stand erect."
I squashed my inner fourteen year old and didn't giggle. A feat that I am still proud of to this day.
"Kai pilla." I moved to where she pointed and stood at attention with the spear at my side.
Hotty grabbed my right ankle and positioned it, followed by my left ankle, shoulders, and arms.
I inhaled and caught the scent of berries.
A stiff elbow jabbed into my gut, knocking the wind out of me.
I looked up, angry, and confused.
"You were distracted. A distracted warrior is a dead warrior," she chastised.
"Kai pilla," I responded, struggling to get to my feet. The tiny warrior had leveled me.
There are five flows of energy, called daitaka. Each daitaka is the basis for a deflect or a strike. Tree on a hill and bear standing were the two defensive daitaka. If you squinted just right, you could
kinda see why they were called that.
Hawk fishing and thorn of a rose were the two offensive daitaka, with elevation of the spear being the primary difference. You could probably figure out which is which.
Only leaf on the wind was a hybrid between attack and defense.
The day had gone by in a flash, we stopped to drink, eat, and relieve ourselves as necessary, but I found myself always eager to return.
"You are a good korta," she said.
"Thank you, pilla," I said, assuming korta meant student.
"Do not thank me for my words, it was an observation," she said.
"Kai pilla," I said.
"Now we will exit the notopa," she said, ushering me to a position near the edge.
"OK?" I asked, confused. “Were we not just supposed to walk out of it, like we had been doing all day?”
"You will face me before exiting," she said. "Then, you will raise your spear and say, 'Thank you, pilla for granting me your wisdom, honor, and strength.’"
I turned towards her and recited the line exactly.
"Now take a step backward," she ordered.
I did so.
"You are welcome, korta," she said and followed me out.
I replaced my spear in the rack with the other training spears and turned towards her. Before I could say a word, she said, "When we are not in the circle, you may call me Ellyandra. My house's name is Foxwood."
Arsch, who I hadn't even realized, was still there, walked forward, and said, "May I present My Dude, Staff Sergeant Kevin Holden."
I stifled a laugh, and I did something I had never done before I bowed. Like hand over my stomach, bowed.
"I am unfamiliar with that custom, My Dude," she said, and then mimicked my bow.
"Is this something you only do with women?" Arsch asked.
I fucking bowed? Who does that?
"Wait, I never saw you do that with Cloy?" Arsch pointed out.
"It's just something we sometimes do." I attempted to remain cool, but you know, I fucking bowed.
"That's very strange, My Dude," Arsch helpfully mentioned again.
Ellyandra stood up, smiled, and asked, "Are we to continue again tomorrow?"
I almost blustered and shouted, yes.
"He will be there," ugly Tinkerbell said.
Chapter 29
We had been training for many fivedays before Chibushka announced, "His highness, Sykon Autumnleaf, is conducting the naming ritual of three babies born from the same mother at the same time. We will attend."
I was used to her bossiness, so getting orders from her didn't bother me too much anymore. Also, I was still trying to figure out how I got suckered in to allowing her to control my life. It was like many of my choices weren't mine. In fact, I felt like I had made a few life-altering choices differently than what I would normally do.
Arsch walked beside me and playfully said, "Ellyandra might be there."
Ugly Tinkerbell stopped and said, "That female elf warrior is an astute tutor and a proud warrior. You are My Dude, not a common fighter."
I said absolutely nothing, didn't acknowledge her and continued my walk. I had no issue being told that I was acting immature or unkingly, but I would not be told who I could date.
After ten feet, I realized that I was acting like an idiot high schooler.
Arsch quickly walked next to me, leaving the grumpy fairy behind.
I went to my apartment, bathed, changed into some clothes the king had given me, changed into some different clothes, changed back into the original clothes at the beckoning of Chibushka, and went to the Christening/naming/elf triplet thing.
I protested my lack of M4 but was told that bringing a weapon would be considered an insult.
We walked to the ballroom in silence.
Unlike the gnomeland feast, there was no announcer. Everyone just kind of walked in to the grand ballroom. It wasn't as big as the courtroom, but it was close.
The first thing I noticed was the twenty guards in full leaf armor, standing at every key point. They all had swords. The lack of spears wasn't disconcerting, just a curiosity.
Like every formal I had ever been to, there were evenly dispersed circular tables throughout, with one rectangular table, elevated above the rest.
Our retinue arrived at the door, and we were promptly greeted by a young elf, no older than a hundred by my estimation, who escorted us to the table of honor. That is the table nearest the rectangular table, but not quite at the same level.
Eight chairs fit around it, but only four chairs had a placement in front of them. Two had purple roses, while the other two had yellow. Two of the seats were basically high chairs, but more regal.
We walked to the location, and four servants in livery held the seats for us.
Looking to Chibushka for guidance, she pointed to one of the seats with the purple rose, and then took the other, with Arsch sitting at the yellow to my left.
The servants in livery pushed our chairs in, donned our napkins for us, and poured us wine. I received red wine, as did Arsch. Chibushka received fey wine, which made me wince.
The empty yellow rose seat was promptly occupied by a, and I'm not fucking kidding you here, rabbit.
I wasn't proud of myself, but I stared. A rabbit sat in the seat like a human, had a napkin tucked into his lap, and was poured a glass of fey wine.
I looked at Arsch, who was smiling and enjoying the whole spectacle.
Elves all around milled about and socialized.
I leaned over to Chibushka and asked, "What do the flowers mean?"
"The yellow means a member of a friendly government. An honored guest, if you will. The purple means a member of a friendly court, a royal ally," she explained.
"Wait, what?" I said, and then expanded, "You're royalty?"
She gave me a look, followed by a disappointing shaking of her head, "Young human, how do you think I know so much about protocol and the elves? Who do you think demanded a trial for you? Why do you think you were not just executed?"
I gulped. How many times would I make the mistake of not just underestimating people, but fighting against people who were trying to help me?
"Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked, trying to redeem myself a little.
"The best lessons learned are those that are learned when we do not realize we are learning a lesson," she stated.
I was too sober for that deep thought, but I tucked it away for later consumption.
"Thank you. Truly."
She bowed and said, "You are welcome, My Dude."
It was the first time she had said my title without condescension.
Glowing a bit, I took a drink of my red wine and scanned the room. That's when I saw her, all the way back at the place for commoners, was my pilla.
Don't get me wrong, I was super hyped to talk to a rabbit and figure out what position Chibushka held in the courts, but I was way more interested in Elyandra.
I removed the napkin from my lap and proceeded to stand up.
A very embarrassed looking servant made apologies with his eyes as I was forced to use my own leg muscles to move. Seriously how do rich people not die from simple boredom?
Arsch did the same, but his servant didn't look as concerned. I wondered if Arsch was seated there for my benefit, versus his own position?
Chibushka whispered harshly, "No physical altercations here!"
I looked at her with confusion, "Why would I?"
"They will goad you, test you, and try to make you lose your temper. Do not fall for their traps and machinations," she said.
I nodded and made my way back towards Hotty with Arsch in tow.
Have you ever had a crush on a girl or boy so bad that it made you an idiot? Neither had I before her.
I took a bite from the red crayon, strode up to her table, and said in Telethan, "How are you then?" That's right, I full-on quoted fucking Letterkenny, like some sort of fucking hick making pleasantries. Thankfully I didn't hit myself in the hea
d and say stupid.
She stood, smiled, and said, "You honor us with your appearance, My Dude. May I ask why his grace has condescended himself to visit our table?"
So a little background, I was at the number two table. The number one table was the long rectangle with the king, grand adjudicator, court wizard, and whatnot. Table three could properly visit table two, and table two could visit table one. A member of table ten could visit four or whatever if they knew someone close at the table, but it was considered impolite. Two numbers were normally the max. So when I went from two to twenty or whatever Hotty belonged to, I was upsetting the social order.
"I just wanted to say hi," I said.
So most wood elves don't understand Telethan, a fact I am very happy with.
Her table was a mix of male and female elves, none of which seemed to be coupled.
"Hi," she said, smiling. She wasn't in the formal flowing gowns of all the other maidens throughout the ballroom. She wore the brown leggings and blouse that I later learned were associated with the Rose Thorns.
"So uh, you uh, go to a lot of these things?" I asked.
Arsch snickered a bit.
She gave me a pity laugh, as the others around the table stood hands behind them looking on. Based on their blank expressions, I assumed they were ignorant of the Telethan language.
I just want to reiterate how smoking hot a woman is who can not only kick your ass but look good doing so.
"My Dude did well in his training this day," she noted.
In the combat circle, pilla was a fierce warrior and gifted teacher, but in the social circle, she seemed to be a bit meager and reluctant.
"Thank you, but I owe all of my training to my outstanding teacher," I said, bowing slightly.
Arsch whispered, a little too loudly, "Smooth."
We both pretended not to notice him.
"Is his highness Sykon still allowing the roots to ascend?" came a pompous tone.
It was in Telethan and meant as an insult, but I didn't get it.
Douchebag McFuckface stood less than three meters away, a small crystal goblet in one hand, and a pretty elf maiden in the other.
Not gonna lie; the elf maiden looked gorgeous but in that fake gorgeous sort of way. Like when a movie star is dressed for the Oscars, but you know they are just fake plastic facade.
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