I opened my mouth.
Chibushka cut me off, "Not the same."
I shut my mouth.
"I find your wandering attention very distracting. The aspect of my story you focused on was his name, not his deeds."
"Got it, don't hedge and grab what I want."
Have you ever had someone sigh at you so heavily, you actually felt their disappointment in your soul? She turned to me and floated up to eye level. Once she saw me, she poked me on the forehead, "When a king," she poked again, indicating I was a king, "wants something, then the king," she poked me again, "pursues it."
I was confused again.
"Are all people from Earth stupid, or is it just the males."
"Hey," Arsch said, coming to my defense.
"My apologies, all males are foolish," Chibushka said.
"Break it down Barney style for me, will you?"
Chibushka ignored my confusing statement and explained, "I have seen you defend one woman twice, with great ferocity. Once against, what did you call him, McFuckface? And of course, once against me."
"It's not right, she's my trainer."
"Kevin likes Ellyendre," Arsch teased.
"What does her being your trainer have to do with anything?" Chibushka asked.
I paused for a minute. In the army, there were strict guidelines against fraternization. "Umm, ethics?"
"Do you think Sykon a fool?"
Another lecture was on its way. I took a deep breath and said, "No."
"Do you believe me, a fool?"
"No," I said in a defeated voice.
She turned and continued down the hall, "You are so decisive with your weapon. Quick to assassinate any who get in your way. You are also a child when it comes to women."
Arsch started laughing.
"I've been with women. A lot of women."
"Whores no doubt," Chibushka said.
Not gonna lie; that one stung. Mainly because it was true. I hadn't been in a serious relationship since, well ever.
Arsch stopped cackling when he saw my face turn a little red.
"I actually, uh, like her." I was vulnerable. I thought about her all the time, and I wanted nothing more than to train with her.
Chibushka looked me dead in the eyes and asked, "Are you a king?" She then returned to the ground and walked away.
I looked at Arsch, who just shrugged.
It took me an hour to figure out where Ellyendre stayed. Like all of the Thorns, she was quartered in the barracks.
Arsch followed me, and many elves bowed respectfully as I passed, but for the most part, they went about their business and let me go about mine.
I walked to the end of the branch and followed the staircase down, as I was directed.
"What are you going to say?" Arsch asked.
"Kingly things," I replied.
"Kingly things?"
"Yeah, you know, royal shit."
"You know she can kill you with that spear?" Arsch said.
I found myself floundering for a moment. I would readily take on thirty oraks than face the possibility of rejection at her hand.
I quickened my pace until I reached her door.
Arsch looked up at me, anticipation on his face.
I put my hand up, ready to knock. What the hell was I doing? She had shown me no signs, no signals.
"Go fucking hide!" I told Arsch.
The Scoutmaster had no issue blending in, and before I knew it, he was perfectly hidden.
I rapped on the door.
A moment later, Ellyendre opened the door.
"My Dude," she said, surprised. A half a second later, she bowed respectfully.
"Hey, uh," I started out like the full-on confident king guy I was, "Do you think we can go somewhere and talk?"
Those beautiful lips parted into a broad grin. "You may enter if you wish."
Chapter 31
I woke up in the arms of an angel. Not a literal angel, cause that was probably a possibility. I mean, like a metaphorical angel. Like a woman that's super pretty. Shit, I'm rambling.
Let me start over. I woke up naked and entwined in the arms of Ellyendre. Her hair smelled of berries, and her breath was sweet. Half her body laid atop mine. I gently played with her hair.
She stirred from her slumber and looked up at me, her head moving from my chest to my arm. "Good morning," she whispered.
I couldn't help but smile, "Good morning."
I will not dishonor her by saying what we had done through the night, or again that morning.
Our morning ablutions complete, we dressed and prepared to set out for the day.
I opened the door to leave her quarters and was shocked to see Chibushka.
She looked up from the book she was reading and said, "Good morning, My Dude." She then focused on Ellyendre and said, "Good morning Lady Ellyendre."
Ellyendre bowed and responded, "Good morning, Princess."
"I have instructed the staff that you will be breaking fast here, and then you will continue to the ludi to continue your training. Is that acceptable?"
I looked at Elly and shrugged. She, in turn, nodded.
"Good with me."
"Excellent, I will join you both," Ugly Tinkerbell said.
Servants in livery brought in a table, two chairs, and a high chair. They then placed a bountiful feast of fruits, nuts, and some meat. There was also a centerpiece decoration with some roses.
Chibushka surreptitiously placed a small two-inch cubed wooden box between me and the flowers. I looked at it, but with a shake of Chibushka's head, I decided not to open it.
I sat Elly, and the servants immediately put napkins in our laps. Other than the naming ceremony, we hadn't been treated like this since arrival. I suspected it had something to do with Chibushka.
"Leave us, and shut the door," Ugly Tinkerbell ordered the servants.
Once we were alone, she immediately set to her task.
"You have reached a split in the trail. One path is long and arduous. It is difficult and fraught with danger. That path, however, will be the salvation of thousands, maybe even millions of lives. The other path is short and easy. Both paths lead to the same destination, but the easy path makes only your life easy, while others continue to suffer.
It was way too early to think about shit like that, but I was stuck.
"Princess Chibushka," I said as tactfully as possible. "Can you just spell it out for me?"
"Such lessons rarely stick," she said while reaching for a piece of fruit.
Elly sat there quiet and demure. She seemed very interested in the fruit in front of her.
I rolled my eyes, sighed, and resigned myself to talking it out. "The selfish route obviously means I do what is only good for me."
Chibushka nodded as she plucked another piece of fruit from the table.
"It means I go about galavanting around the countryside with no real purpose?" I looked at her facial expressions to see if I was on paper or not.
She gave a slight nod.
"It means not, uh, having fun?" I wasn't sure how to word my relations with Elly.
"If by fun, you mean engaging in a romantic encounter with your elf spear master and trainer, then no, that is not what I mean," Chibushka said.
Elly blushed through her tan skin and proceeded to inspect the piece of fruit in her hand further.
"Thank God."
Elly cracked a smile, and I saw the little corner of Chibushka's mouth turn up.
"You may continue your thoughts," Ugly Tinkerbell said.
"Look, I'm a grunt."
She cut me off quickly, "You were a grunt. You are a king now."
I growled a little showing my discontent, "I was a grunt, not a philosopher or psychologist." The word psychologist didn't translate.
Both Chibushka and Elly glanced up at me.
"Please explain?" Chibushka asked.
"A shrink, a doctor who fixes your mind. Like your emotions and stuff."
Neither of
them seemed pleased with the definition, but they dropped it.
"Since I am almost full," Chibushka said, "I will counsel you."
"Thank you! Finally!"
Elly put her hand to her mouth and stifled a laugh.
"You are special. You are not special in the way a mother tells her child. You have come from a different land. You treat all sentients as peers. You desire to couple with a Rose Thorn, not just for immediate satisfaction. Your best friend is a gnome. You take advice from an old fairy."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm Martin Luther King with a gun," I said sarcastically.
"You are also powerful. You killed three of Teletha's most powerful warlords in the span of a morning."
"It was two days," I corrected her.
"Regardless," she said, "you are not a whimsical dreamer. You rescued me, and a large group of subs," she spat the word "with little trouble."
"Little trouble! I almost drowned!"
She waved her hand.
Elly became very intent on watching us, and I saw her eyes go to excitement and wonder. It was the first time she heard about the rescue from the Squidheads.
"My Dude, you can make this land peaceful. The gnomes respect you. The dwarves don't hate you. You are a human." She grabbed a small glass of some sort of citrus juice.
"You left out elves," I noted.
"Did I?" she asked coyly.
I grabbed the decanter of juice that she was drinking and poured myself a glass. I looked at Elly, "Is this like fey wine?"
Elly shook her head.
Chibushka took a drink.
I followed suit.
"Two kingdoms, united by a child."
It took me a second, and then I spit my drink out.
Elly went from wide-eyed wonder to near panic.
"Wait, what?" I practically yelled.
"Are you unfamiliar with childbirth?" Ugly Tinkerbell asked.
"I am not even of the court!" Elly exclaimed.
I was thankful they were still speaking Telethan.
"Lady Ellyendre, I do not misspeak, especially when it comes to protocol."
Elly narrowed her eyes, "I have been elevated."
Chibushka just nodded.
Elly became angry, quickly, "I am a Rose Thorn; not some damsel who sips nectar and plays the harp."
It was the first time I saw Elly mad, and I hoped it would be the last.
"My dear," Chibushka said, "You swore an oath of fealty to do whatever your Queen and King commanded. Are you forsaking your oath?"
Elly's jaw snapped shut, and she immediately went quiet.
I swallowed.
"Lady Ellyendre has already been elevated, of course, and we would not besmirch her honor by making her elevation contingent upon any choice you make."
I was speechless.
Elly was still brooding, and I imagined she wanted to rip the tiny arms off of Ugly Tinkerbell.
"Of course, since Teletha doesn't recognize female sovereigns, there are no traditions to uphold. The first Queen of Teletha would set whatever protocols she desired, whether they be focused on the arts or war, would be entirely up to her."
I hadn't thought of that.
"You’re manipulative," was all I could get out.
"Oh?" she asked, "As opposed to all the fey royalty who are known for the blundering stupidity?"
I needed to read up on fey, or at least ask someone.
I looked at Elly and whispered, "I'm sorry."
She just stared daggers at me.
"Chin up Lady Ellyendre, when our plan is complete, you will be the most powerful woman in the world."
"You're not helping," I said to Ugly Tinkerbell.
"Oh, but I am, you are just too naive to see it."
Elly finally looked at us both, "So my life is decided for me now. I am either to be his wife or some dainty lady."
"It does seem that way," Chibushka smiled.
"What," I was once again speechless. I put my hands in my hair and stared at Elly, who was, in turn staring at Chibushka.
"You are king, do not hedge your words. Ask the question you want to ask," Chibushka chided again.
I dropped my hands to the table and thought about the conversation for a good couple of minutes.
"Princess Chibushka, will you allow me some privacy?"
"Of course, My Dude," she said as she excused herself from the table.
Once we were alone, I looked Elly straight in the eyes and said, "I am so sorry. I had no idea what they were planning."
Elly flashed a calming smile, "I know. That is why she had the conversation here."
I had to remind myself that Elly was almost a hundred Earth years old, and as such, was able to control her emotions and think things through clearly.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
"Wait," she replied.
"For what?"
"For someone to ask me a question."
I was confused once again. "Huh?"
"I believe humans present a small token, a necklace, or a ring?"
Fucking elves. They are so straight to the point and manipulative at the same time. Or maybe that's just women.
"My choices are easy, I can run away, in which case I am traitor and will forever be shunned. I can join the court as a Lady, and see the disappointment in my King and Queen, or I can become the Queen of Teletha serving alongside Kevin Holden, the human savior."
"This is a big decision, though," I protested.
"Just because it is a big decision, doesn't mean it is difficult," her smile melted my heart. I had been maneuvered, again, into something that I wasn't one hundred percent sure I wanted. Don't get me wrong, Elly was awesome, but I was more of the whole, date and figure it out thing.
I then noticed the wood box on the table. "That little manipulative bitch," I whispered.
Elly cocked her head.
I opened the box and saw a bright blue metal ring fashioned to resemble leaves.
Red Crayons taste good. I closed my eyes, made a silent prayer to God that I was doing the right thing, plopped down on a knee, and asked Elly to marry me.
"Of course," she said.
OK, I was a little butt hurt that she didn't get all teary-eyed or you know, say something cheesy like a million times yes.
The door opened, and Ugly Manipulative Bitch Tinkerbell walked in, "The ceremony will be held in three days."
Chapter 32
I was in my chambers with Arsch and Chibushka, getting measured for my ceremonial garb. Chibushka had, of course, instructed the royal tailor to create a Telethan version of human royal robes.
As I stood on a small stool and a very serious looking elf took measurements, I asked Chibushka, “You know I’m not really a king?”
The tailor gave me a weird look and just shook his head.
“And why would you say such a thing, My Dude?” she asked.
“I wasn’t born a king. I have no royalty in my family at all.”
“You believe birth is the only way to attain elevation?”
Arsch happily sat in a corner reading about wedding ceremonies and his duties as the First Champion.
"Isn't it?" I was pretty sure you had to either marry into or be born into the crown. I saw King Ralph; I knew how these things worked.
"The very first king, was he born as prince?"
"I feel like the answer is no," I said.
Arsch snickered.
"In this world, among all the civilized nations, there are three ways to be elevated. The first you have already touched upon. You can be born or married into The Crown."
"Cool," I said.
The tailor had me put my arms down and proceeded to measure across my waste.
"The second is the right of conquest. A king may claim the throne if he challenges another king and wins in single combat. The challenger and combatant must be approved by a divine. You defeated the Archmage in single combat, that was approved by a divine."
"I don't remember a divine approvi
ng it."
"The very fact that you won proves that a divine sanctioned the challenge."
I narrowed my eyes, "That's some pretty sketchy, Catch 22 stuff."
She had learned to ignore my references and continued on.
"The last, and most would say, important, method of elevation is by divine right. A triad of divines approve of your ascension, and as long as no competing triad disapproves, you are elevated."
"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."
The tailor measured my inseam, and I felt a little molested.
She ignored my quote and continued, "From what Master Arsch has told me, you travel with two divines, and you met two others who attempted to elevate you once already."
"Maybe just one of them. The other one I kinda shot his eye out." I was still a little embarrassed by that fact.
Chibushka stopped and looked up, "I had heard that rumor. Perhaps one day, you will grace me with the story, My Dude."
"K," I deadpanned in my best hick voice.
"Regardless, you are a twice crowned king. Not even Sykon can claim as such. Your right to rule is unprecedented."
"What about you?" I asked.
Before Chibushka could answer, the door opened and in strolled two almost forgotten faces.
A royal guard, who was not Asshole McFuckface, announced, "It is my pleasure to announce the divines, Snarf and Cloy." He bowed deeply as the pair passed him.
Princess Chibushka bowed just as deeply as the guard, as did the tailor.
Arsch ran up to Snarf and clasped him on the back.
I ran up to Cloy and gave my former traveling a companion a giant hug.
"Please rise," Cloy said.
I tussled Snarf's hair.
I heard a gasp come from Princess Chibushka.
"Do not be worried, Princess Chibushka, Kevin, and Snarf have a very, uh, unique relationship."
"He's a disrespectful lout, but I am working to train him," Snarf said.
"He's an arrogant little bitch, and good luck," I retorted.
Princess Chibushka voice quivered as she said, "My Dude, I beg of you, please conduct yourself with a little decorum."
I turned around and gave her a what the fuck look. It was the first time I had seen anything upset her so much.
"Finally, we are given what we are due," Snarf said.
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