She looked away, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Shortly after he and I got involved, I found out I was pregnant. My father was sick. My mother couldn’t help me. What else was I to do? Grady said he’d take care of me. It wasn’t so bad at first, but you and I both know what an addictive personality Grady had. He was hooked on the adrenaline rush of bull riding. His drinking got heavier. Then there were other women.”
She was too embarrassed to mention the porn. That was her private humiliation. He’d even made her watch it with him. Rather than being a turn-on, it had made her feel dirty. Once he was gone, she’d conducted a thorough search-and-destroy mission.
He shook his head. “Shit, Janice. I had no idea. No,” he corrected himself. “That’s a lie. I just hoped it would be different, but men like him don’t usually change.”
“Grady was always arrogant and full of himself, but his success only brought out the worst in him. He was incapable of love…of fidelity…but it was meth that pushed him over the edge.”
“Meth?” Dirk almost choked on his beer.
“Yeah. I think he’d been using a while before I ever knew. He probably got turned onto it by one of the buckle bunnies he’d been screwing around with. A lot of people use it to enhance sex. It’s supposed to heighten arousal and delay orgasm, sometimes for hours. I’d never been around drugs, so I didn’t recognize what was happening until it was too late. I only noticed the changes—the mood swings, sudden rages, insomnia. I had already refused to have sex with him anymore, but by then he couldn’t get it up at all. They call it crystal dick. Of course that only incited more rage. It was a horrible cycle.”
“Shit, Janice. Why didn’t you just up and leave him?”
“I was going to. I knew he was out of control. I was even saving up money to come back home, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t just walk out on him if there was any chance I could help him through it… God knows I tried.”
“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.”
“I know that now.”
His expression grew grimmer. “What happened?”
“He finally agreed to rehab, but it only lasted a few weeks. He left the program early for fear the bull-riding association would find out where he was. It wasn’t long before it started all over again. I knew it would kill him if he didn’t get off it… I was right.” Her eyes burned and her throat knotted but she refused to shed any more tears.
“All the reports said his death was a bull-riding accident,” Dirk said.
“It was,” Janice replied, “but the accident probably wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t high. Meth would have killed him anyway—even if the bull hadn’t. No one else knows about all this, Dirk. There was an inquiry by the bull-riding association, but the idea of a drug-related scandal scared the shit out of them, so I was able to keep it all quiet. I thank God for Cody’s sake. My greatest fear was that he’d grow up under that shadow—that stigma.
“By then I felt so beaten down. Cody was pretty much my reason for being…and the hope of making a better life for him is the only thing that’s kept me together. Now I’m just trying to put it all behind us.”
He was quiet for a long time. “I knew things weren’t right when I came out to Vegas for the World Championships, but I thought it was just the whoring. Why the hell didn’t you tell me the rest?”
“Part of me wanted to, but when did I ever have a chance? You left without a word.”
Another heavy silence weighted the air.
“Why did you leave like that, Dirk? What happened between you and Grady?”
“You did.”
“Me?” she exclaimed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I didn’t like what I saw in Vegas, so I kept a promise.”
“You aren’t making any sense. What do you mean?”
He gave a resigned sigh. “I told Grady the night I left Cheyenne that he’d answer to me if he ever mistreated you, so I beat the shit out of him, just like I swore I would. I left thinking I’d set him back on the straight and narrow… Apparently I was wrong.”
“You broke his jaw? He said he was assaulted by a drunk in a bar.”
“It was in the parking lot outside the bar and neither of us was drunk…well, not completely drunk.”
Janice gazed at him incredulous. “I don’t understand you at all. If you cared anything about me, why did you leave in the first place?”
* * *
He swallowed hard. “I had my reasons. Look, Red, it’s one thing to talk about what really happened but what-ifs are a waste of gray matter. It’s all water under the bridge now. There’s no point in rehashing it.”
Her gaze searched his. “So where does this leave us now?”
“Us?” he repeated with a humorless laugh. “There can’t be any ‘us.’ I’m afraid that train’s done left the station.”
“What was this morning?”
“This morning was great. It was fucking incredible,” he added with emphasis. “But it doesn’t change anything. Great sex doesn’t mean happily ever after, Red.”
“Is that all this was about to you? Great sex?”
He shrugged. “What did you expect? I told you how it is. If that’s not enough for you, you want more than I can give you.”
Her eyes blazed. “Why you selfish bastard! You could if you wanted to. You just won’t!”
“Look at me! I told you already, I’m a fucking mess and my life is turning to shit. I can never be what you need.”
“What I need? What makes you the authority on what I need? Did you ever think that maybe I might be what you need?”
His defensive walls came up. “I don’t want or need your fucking pity!” He knew his reply stung her, but he was scared shitless and was just doing what he’d done before—pushing her away. This time, however, she pushed him right back. Literally.
“Just. Stop.” Eyes blazing, she poked him in the chest. Hard. “You know that’s not what I meant! I’m not gonna let you do it again. You can’t have it both ways. We need to resolve this—one way or another. I can’t work for you like this. Either you want me or you don’t.” She stared him down, hands on hips.
“Please, Red.” He raked his hair. “You already know I want you. That’s not the issue—”
“Then what is your damned issue? You’re gonna have to make up your mind, Dirk, because I’m not playing games. I’m not gonna wait around until you decide you’re ready, because I’m ten years past ready.”
“I’ve already told you. I can’t do a relationship.”
“And I can’t do meaningless sex. If you want me you get the whole package. Nothing less. We’ve both messed up our lives, but it’s not too late, don’t you see that?”
“I don’t see it that way. This whole thing was a big mistake, one that can’t happen again. Continuing would be nothing but senseless torture—for both of us.” It was pointless. The last thing he wanted was for her to walk out on him, but what she was asking…demanding…was just too friggin’ hard. She deserved far more than animal copulation, but that’s all he had to offer. Anything more was impossible.
“Last chance, Dirk. If I walk outta here, I’m not coming back.” She looked to the door.
“You have to know I don’t want that,” he answered softly. For four years, he’d wrestled with bitterness and self-pity, isolating himself even from his immediate family. Now Janice had entered his life and offered him his heart’s desire—the chance to reclaim some of the normalcy he’d lost. But the thought that he’d only fuck it up all over again scared the shit out of him.
“Do I? Frankly, I have no clue what you want,” she answered. “Maybe you can tell me?”
“What I want?” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Right now it might as well be the fucking moon.”
* * *
Janice left the bun
khouse palming her burning eyes and feeling completely drained. She’d been riding an emotional roller coaster almost from the moment she’d laid eyes on Dirk, and she had a sinking feeling the ride was far from over. Was he worth it?
He’d certainly shaken her faith, but deep down she still believed he was. She’d pushed him really hard, but he needed for someone to do exactly that. His walls were so thick, it would take nothing short of a battering ram to knock them down. One step at a time, she reminded herself.
Lost in her thoughts, she was beside her truck with keys in hand before she remembered her promise to Dirk’s father to drop by before leaving. Although emotionally and physically spent, she’d never be able to look Justin or Donna Knowlton in the face if she reneged.
“Janice Combes!” Donna Knowlton wore a look of pleased surprise when she answered Janice’s knock. “You sure don’t look anything like the gangly little redheaded tomboy anymore. I don’t think I would even have recognized you if Justin hadn’t told me you were coming by.” She stepped back to invite Janice inside. “Come on in, sugar.”
Janice wiped her boots and stepped inside. Her gaze surveyed the huge living room with its massive stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows offering a breathtaking view of the Tobacco Root Mountains. She’d always loved the Knowlton place. It was exactly the kind of rustic but elegant home she’d always fantasized about.
“Would you like some coffee?” Donna asked.
“No thank you, ma’am. I really can’t stay long. I was hoping to be back by the time Cody gets home from school.”
“Cody’s your son?”
“Yes, ma’am. He’s nine now and keeps me pretty busy.”
“Don’t I know it.” Donna laughed. “Dirk and Wade gave me most of these gray hairs before I even turned thirty!”
“You wear it well, Mrs. Knowlton.” Janice always thought Donna Knowlton’s silver hair was particularly attractive and set off her vivid blue eyes.
“Thank you, sugar,” Donna replied with just a hint of Texas twang. “But please call me Donna. ‘Mrs. Knowlton’ makes me feel so old. Come and sit a short spell. It’s not often I get a chance for any girl talk.”
Janice perched uneasily on the edge of an overstuffed leather couch.
“How’s your mama?” Donna asked. “I haven’t seen her in a good while.”
“I’m afraid she’s developed a few health issues the last couple of years. She’s not able to get out much. That’s part of the reason I came home. She helps look after Cody, and I help look after her.”
“And who looks after you?” Donna asked softly.
Janice looked away, discomposed by the question. “Well, I guess I do, ma’am.”
“You’re a young and attractive woman, Janice. You should have someone to take care of you. Justin told me you came looking for work. I was surprised by Dirk’s offer, but I couldn’t be happier. If any man ever needed a good woman…”
The heat of a flush invaded Janice’s face. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Knowlton, but it’s really not like that. I’m just here for a job—”
“Sugar, I sure hope not,” Donna protested. “Dirk’s too much like his daddy. Neither wears his heart on his sleeve, but I know my son well enough to see he has feelings for you.”
“What makes you say that?” Janice asked.
“For starters, he’s spent more time here at the house in the past week than he has in the past three years. It began the day after you were out here.”
A moment later her gaze flickered past Janice’s shoulder. “Well, speak of the devil and he always appears.” Donna beamed a bright smile when Justin Knowlton entered. Dirk followed.
Justin tipped his hat to Janice. “Good to see you came by, young lady.”
“Mama.” Dirk doffed his own hat to kiss his mother’s cheek. He then nodded to Janice. “I’m glad I caught you before you left.”
Donna gave her a knowing look.
“Your mother and I have just been catchin’ up a bit,” Janice blurted, uneasy at Dirk’s entrance. “I’ve enjoyed the chat, Mrs.…I mean Donna…but I’ve really got to go now.” She took to her feet.
“So soon?” Donna cried in dismay. “Please tell me you’ll come back for Sunday dinner. I’ll be making brisket. Bring your mama and your son with you.”
Janice looked to Dirk with uncertainty. The last thing she wanted to do was impose on his family when he’d made it clear he needed some time.
“Come out at noon.” Dirk spoke up before she could decline. “That’ll give Cody and Red Man a couple hours to get acquainted.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“I know that,” he said. “I want to.”
“All right then.” Janice smiled and addressed his parents. “I’ll look forward to seeing you both again on Sunday.”
“C’mon, Red, I’ll walk you out.” Dirk pressed a hand to the small of her back. “There’s a couple things I shoulda told you earlier.” His tone was bland and matter-of-fact, but his expression was anything but. He didn’t speak again until they stood beside her truck. A minute of strained silence ticked by.
Janice reached for the door.
“Wait,” he said, his hand coming over hers. “There’s something more I gotta say. I was afraid I might not get another chance.”
She turned to face him, leaning back against the door, arms crossed over her chest. “Whatever it is had better be damned good.”
“What you asked me in the bunkhouse…I want my old life back. But I know I can’t have it. I know there’s no going back.”
“No,” she whispered. “There’s no going back. Too many things have changed. We’ve changed.”
He rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled. “I don’t know how to go about this. I don’t know what you want from me, or how to give it to you. I’m fucking clueless, Red, don’t you see? You have no idea what you’d be getting into.” He was trying to warn her off again but at the same time a flicker of hope seemed to light in his eyes.
“Maybe I know better than you think,” she challenged. She knew that if they got further involved, their entire relationship would have to be rebuilt on a completely different foundation from what they’d had before. But she was prepared for that.
“This has happened so damned fast. You gotta give me a little time to learn the game. I don’t even know the rules.”
“I don’t know all the rules either.”
He reached out for her hand and pulled her in close. “I don’t want you to go. Do you think we can maybe just try playing this thing by ear?” He looked so uncertain, so vulnerable.
She instantly relaxed against him. “Yeah,” she replied. “I think we could maybe try that.”
He brushed his lips brusquely over hers. “You deserve a lot better than me, Red. I can’t promise you I’ll be worth it, but I’ll damn sure try.”
Chapter 15
It was almost an hour before sunrise when Janice drove into the Flying K. She hopped out of her truck, tightening her collar against the frigid morning air. Dirk was already outside waiting with two saddled horses. Her heart sped up when he greeted her with a nod and a half smile.
“Morning, Red. I’m glad to see you,” he said softly. “I can’t even tell you how glad.”
“I guess I’m a true sucker for punishment,” she replied. “You goin’ after the missing stock now?”
He nodded. “I shoulda gone yesterday, but I got a bit sidetracked.” His gaze met hers, a heated reminder of how they’d spent the earlier part of the day.
“So I guess you’re not making pancakes first?” she taunted with a slow, crooked smile.
“Hell, no. It’ll be coffee in a travel mug and a wad of beef jerky in the saddlebags. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make pancakes again. I’m already afraid of getting a hard-on if I e
ven look at a bottle of syrup.”
“Need any help?” She nodded to the horses.
“Nope, got it covered.”
“Can I ride with you? It might not be easy if you end up having to carry down an orphaned calf or something like that.”
“Already thought of that. The bay here’s yours. Are you dressed warm enough to ride?”
“Yeah. I’m good.” She eyed the twelve-gauge shotgun holstered with the saddle. “Grizzlies?”
“Not expecting any, but it pays to be prepared for them.” He tossed her a twenty-two-caliber carbine. “Know how to use it?”
“Of course,” Janice replied. “But what for? You already have the shotgun.”
“Seems we got ourselves a wolf problem on the mountain,” Dirk replied. “Wade and I encountered a pack last time I went up there.” He added grimly, “I’m hoping we locate live cattle, but I’m taking some rope and tarp just in case we find more carcasses instead.” He patted the pack behind his cantle.
“If the wolves got them, won’t the Livestock Loss Board cover it?” she asked.
“Yes and no,” Dirk replied. “There’s a bunch of hoops to jump through in order to file a claim and then they’re only going to compensate for average value when I’ve got three times that invested in each head. That’s not even taking into account the years and expense of breeding them. They’re damn sure worth more to me alive.”
“Then I hope we find them,” Janice said.
“The weather report predicted a light dusting last night in the higher elevations. If so, it’ll make tracking a whole lot easier. Course Toby and Tallulah are coming along. Best cattle dogs you’ll ever find.”
The two lolling canines rose smartly to attention at the mention of their names. She reached out her hand to let them sniff. Toby nudged it. Janice scratched his head. “Toby and Tallulah?” She eyed the mottled pair curiously. “They don’t look like any herd dog I’ve seen before. What breed are they?”
“Catahoula Leopard dogs,” Dirk replied. “Not just herd dogs, but bred to track and hunt too. If there’s still any live cattle up there, they’ll find ’em and flush ’em out.”
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