“I don't want to talk about it,” I say. “Jacob, you're wrong, and Dora please don't listen to him.”
I leave my breakfast and hurry back to my room. Jacob doesn't know what he is talking about. Oliver couldn't have punched him because of me. He uses Russell to get to me, to crush me so hard that I won't be able to lift myself up. I would probably have to talk to Dora later on and explain that this whole conversation didn't make sense, but she knows me so well by now. I need some time for myself. Oliver isn't capable of having any feelings for me. That was all in the past.
I throw myself into my TV shows in order to function. Half an hour later, I hear the front door, and then I get the text from Dora.
Are you ok?
I reply that I am and that she shouldn't worry about me. She doesn't text back, so I lie back and drift off.
When I wake up later, I realise that it's late afternoon. It's time to leave the apartment and get some groceries. I move through campus like a cat woman, hoping that I don't have to worry about uncomfortable stares and whispers. My heart still hurts when I think about those words that came out of Oliver's mouth yesterday. Were they true? But after what I did to him, how can they not be true?
I do my shopping, contemplating whether there will be a man for me somewhere out there, one who could understand me and accept me. I wonder if Oliver and I will ever get a second chance, like during that night in his house when we promised that we would love each other no matter what. I tell myself to have some faith. I'm stronger than I was two years ago.
Campus is deserted on Sunday evening, but when I cross the path towards the library I hear Oliver talking with someone by the entrance just as I’m about to round the corner of the building. My heart skips a beat and I almost want to run.
“I told you that she is off limits. She isn't one of those girls that you're used to,” says the first voice that belongs to Oliver. I creep closer to the building and hide, pressing my body to the wall.
“It's a free country, Morgan, and by the looks of it she can't resist me.” The other voice belongs to Russell and I freeze waiting for more.
“Fuck, you don't get it, do you?” Oliver barks, and my world starts to spin. “That girl isn't like the rest of them. I'm warning you to keep it cool.”
Are they talking about me? Are they really that stupid and believe that I would fall for the same joke again?
Russell starts laughing and my stomach makes a flip. He has been playing a game with me for a while and now this conversation only confirms it.
“Don't be such a delusional prick, Morgan. Let the girl decide.” Russell laughs. There is something in his tone of voice that I don't like. He can't know that I'm here and I can hear them, so I’m hoping they’ll put their cards on the table.
I hear a noise to my right and then hear steps. Panic hits, so before being exposed, I hurry away to the other side of the campus. Tears well up in my eyes. So I was right all along. Oliver asked Russell to play me. And I thought that I could be friends with him.
My mind spins. I'm confused and exhausted being the new India. I just want to have a normal life without surprises. When I walk home, I remember over a year ago that I decided that it was time to face Oliver. It took me twelve months to stop being associated with parties and gossips. It took me just over a year to gain the courage to face him. I wanted so badly to hear his voice. In the end I didn't call him. Instead I packed my bag and went to talk to his mother. I needed to get his address in Edinburgh. This whole story was one I had to tell him face-to-face.
I never made it to Scotland. When I went to see Mrs. Morgan, her car was in the driveway, and the door was open, so I entered. To this day I remember seeing her on the sofa, lying there motionless, like she already gave up and was waiting for her final moment. In a panic and fearing the worst, I rushed to the phone. The rest of the evening was like a bad dream. Police and emergency services arrived. She was taken to hospital.
It turned out I probably saved her life. If I’d arrived a few minutes later, she would have been dead. But I was the reason that Oliver left. If he had stayed at home, she could have been fine. If I hadn’t bullied him, his life would have been normal, and maybe his mother would have never tried to kill herself.
Chapter fourteen
Crush
Present
As December arrives, I realise that I'll be going back to Gargle in a few weeks when this term ends. Dora has invited Jacob to meet her mother. She’s never done that before. She doesn't want to admit, but she is in love with him.
My relationship with Oliver is still nonexistent. Russell has been trying to flirt, but I keep pushing him away. No one is for me, not yet.
Since I arrived to Braxton I haven't had a chance to speak to Oliver's mother. We became close and I know that she is doing much better now. She started seeing a specialist regularly. Oliver hasn't spoken to her since he vanished from Gargle, but she told me once that she would like to rebuild what she lost with him.
No one knows about my involvement in her struggle and new life. She knows that I wanted it that way, and she promised to keep it as our little secret. In some ways I understand Oliver. Mrs. Morgan never showed him love and affection. She didn't want him, so he abandoned her. It will be hard to get back what we both had, but I’m willing to show him that I’m not the same heartless bitch from two years ago.
In the past few weeks I have been training extensively. The competition is coming up and I want to qualify to represent Braxton on a national level. I haven't spoken to Mackenzie since Dora punched her at the party. Mackenzie doesn't show up for practise, but other girls have been saying that they’ve seen her on the gym. Dora humiliated her because of me, and Mackenzie isn't the kind of girl who would just let it go.
When I saw her face a few days after Dora’s birthday, I felt a little guilty. She has been a real bitch, but Dora went too far. After the incident in the changing room, Oliver broke up with her. Other students were talking about this in the library, and when I came home later on Dora confirmed it. We didn't have to wait long to see Oliver with someone else. He found Mackenzie’s replacement pretty quickly.
People have been less interested in me, but I still get odd looks when I pass through the corridors. People talk about me, but they look at me with more respect now, like they are scared to cross me.
Russell has been a real nuisance lately. I have been trying to ignore him, but today this seems to be impossible. Even when I find a quiet spot in the back of the canteen to eat lunch, he still manages to stalk me.
“Hey, India, how you doing? I've been looking everywhere for you.”
I stop eating my pasta and scan the room searching for Oliver. He must be here. Otherwise Russell wouldn't just show up. When I caught them talking about me outside the library, it was clear that those two were planning something. Oliver has always been determined, and he will end what he started.
“Oh yeah, and why is that?” I ask, sounding bored. Normally if I ignore people they go away, but Russell seems stubborn.
“Because I want to take you out. You can't say no. You know you want me.” He smirks, sitting back.
I might be stronger and transformed, but that nightmare from two years ago sticks to me like a fly in a trap. I can't let anyone in. “I don't date and I never will date anyone from here. You are nice guy, but nothing is going to happen between you and me,” I say quietly.
“Is this something to do with that prick Morgan? Is he your psycho ex-boyfriend?” he asks, and I can’t help but laugh. I ought to tell him that he is close, but it was the first brother who was the psycho.
“Maybe he is, but you’ll never know. I have a class to go to.”
“Let me walk with you.”
“You don't have to do that.”
“I want to show you that I can be your friend. I can deal with that for now," he adds “Soon you’ll realise that you can't resist me and you’ll want more.”
“Dream on.”
Russell is
funny, but I don't think he knows what he wants.
People stare as we leave the canteen and I start to wonder if I'm really that interesting.
Dora has been trying to convince me that I should try to talk to Oliver. She doesn't understand why he’s playing those games with me. According to her, we are meant for each other. Christian died, so we shouldn't feel guilty. I know that I have to tell her the truth sooner rather than later. As I walk back to the apartment, that memory of the night from the party races in front of my eyes.
Past
I had been tense all day, but I promised to help Christian with the food preparation for his party. I hadn't seen Oliver since Thursday. After our steamy conversation in his room I couldn't stop thinking about him.
Christian wasn't too happy with me. He’d asked me to wait for him that night, and when he came home I wasn't there. We didn't talk about this. Luckily, he was too busy worrying about his upcoming match.
“I’ve got a big surprise for you, Indi. You will love it,” he said, kissing my neck when we were finally alone. I smiled lightly, wondering if I had the guts to tell him that we were finished. His temper was easily inflamed, so I didn't know what to expect tomorrow when Oliver and I planned to tell him. I wished that I could tell him now and get this over with, but Oliver wasn't there, and I promised him that we would talk to Christian together.
“Maybe you shouldn't organise anything for the party, a lot of people will be here and you should be playing a good host instead of worrying about surprising me,” I replied.
He stood in his living room staring at like me he could see what was coming. “You are so beautiful, and tonight you’ll be the happiest girl on this planet,” he said tucking my hair behind my ear. There was something in his eyes that petrified me and I was suddenly scared shitless of what was about to happen.
Present
Now I know that Christian already knew that I didn't love him then. His plan was simple, and I fell for it without hesitation, thinking that he deserved to know the truth.
The next few days pass without surprises. Russell keeps coming up to me trying to talk me into going out with him, but I can't concentrate on anything else apart from the upcoming race. Tomorrow is going to be freezing cold, but the competition is going through. Every year students compete against each other no matter how bad the weather is. I have been training harder in the past few weeks. I did a few rounds in shells, trying to familiarise myself with the river, but it's not the same when I'm alone. There is no pressure or expectations.
“Are you nervous?” Dora asks for the fourth time in less than thirteen hours before the race. So far I'm doing everything that I can to forget that I have a very important day ahead of me, but Dora just keeps asking questions, reminding me.
“No, Dora, I'm not. How many times do you I have to tell you this?”
She folds her arms together, dipping her hand into my popcorn. “You have to beat that bitch Mackenzie.”
I roll my eyes, knowing that deep down I want to win with Mackenzie, after all we will be competing against each other. She has been training equally hard and she is really focused. This race will be tough, but that doesn't mean that I can’t show her that I deserve to be treated with respect.
“Stop going on about this and let me relax. You promised not to talk about it.”
“I know, but it's hard!” she says. “By the way, Russell and Oliver will be there, and they will cheer for you. People have been talking. You have more supporters than you expect.”
“I doubt that.” I sigh. “Besides, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested in either Oliver or Russell. They can both go to hell.”
“Oliver cares about you, I can tell, but I guess it’s hard for him to forget that you were such a bitch to him.”
We have been through this over and over again, but Dora still thinks that somehow Oliver and I will put aside our differences and become friends, and then we will magically fall in love with each other.
“Do you think that I would just forget how he treated me since I’ve been here? Do you think that I could be with him after all those cruel pranks?”
“If he can forgive you for the drama in high school, then you can. After all, everyone deserves a second chance.”
Dora’s head is in the clouds. She lives in that perfect world where everyone lives happily ever after.
I go to bed later that night, knowing that I might still be in love with Oliver, but there is nothing left to fight for. We are both are done with each other.
Next day, I'm up at seven in the morning feeling sick. It's just nerves, I tell myself. Mum knows about the competition, so when I check my phone there is a text message from her wishing me a good luck. I make scrambled eggs, but I can barely swallow anything. My stomach growls and I start doubting my potential when I look out the window.
The weather is rough and the temperature is low, but the whole school will gather to watch. Braxton is known for its rowing, and if I do well here I could compete on a national level in April.
Dora gets up just after eight and complains about the early start before she settles with a cup of coffee. Jacob shows up in our apartment a few minutes later. When he shows me a banner with my name, I hug him. His support means a lot to me.
“I placed a bet on you, so now you have to win.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I say.
“No problem,” he says. “I know that you're going to win anyway. I don't need to bet to know that.”
“I'll try my best. This race is important to me.”
Then he adds, “Oliver will be watching you.”
My breath catches, but then I remember that I'm doing this for myself. And maybe it’s a way to fix what's broken. Oliver might never forgive me, but he might start respect me.
We leave the house around nine. By the time we reach the river I'm so nervous that I can't feel my legs. I have been training hard and I know that I can do this. A few people wish me good luck on my way to the shells, people that I have never spoken to before. Maybe Dora is right. People are eager to see me out there.
As we approach the river, everything becomes hazy. I see the crowds of people, way more than I expected. The first group of girls to go is already in the shells. Their race will start shortly.
I spot Mackenzie, and her face is fully healed. She doesn't make eye contact, and she looks focused. It's a bad sign, but I tell myself that I'm here for me, not her. She is just part of the race.
Twenty minutes later, the crowd gets excited and cheers as two girls start racing. I spot Oliver in the front row. He is standing beside Jacob and Dora. On his right side is the girl that he kissed in front of me at Dora’s birthday. She has her arms wrapped around his waist, looking all loved up. A wave of jealousy makes it's way to my heart, reminding me that the feelings I had for him are still there, raw and real. Nothing is going to change that.
But he looks like he already forgot about Mackenzie. I don't get why Oliver is here. Probably just to distract me, drilling my reputation down to the ground. He doesn't like rowing, nor he does he like me. Maybe this is his way to show me that he doesn't even care if I win today or lose.
It's stopped raining now, but my teeth chatter as the adrenaline whisks through my body, crawling under my skin. I pace up and down, thinking positive, going through my strategy as I planned earlier. Within minutes, two girls are finished, the first race is over, and I'm next. Everything moves so quickly. I feel like I was at home five minutes ago, and in a few seconds the fire gun will go off again.
“Just chill, India,” my coach says with a friendly pat on the back. “You worked hard; now you just have to give it everything you’ve got.”
“Okay, ladies, take your positions,” says the official in charge as soon as everything is set. I stare blankly, wondering where the time has gone. Within moments I'll be out there, racing away the frustration.
I take a few deep breaths, embracing the atmosphere. This is why I came t
o Braxton: to enjoy myself and to compete. I tell myself Oliver isn't here. This race is all about me, and only me.
Mackenzie gives me a dirty look when I get into my shell, but I ignore her. She is trying to distract me. Some people are already cheering for her.
My heart is thumping fast. I block off the voices and concentrate. Then I look at Jacob’s banner and I get a warm feeling inside my belly.
It's not long before the organiser fires the shot, and I start moving through the water smoothly. All the tension is gone. Now it's all about the speed and strength of my body. Oars hitting the water with excellent precision, I balance my breaths and row through.
For the first few hundred meters we are head-to-head. Mackenzie doesn't have time to look at me. I work my muscles, rowing fast but steady through the grey river. A few brave students run with us. They are cheering for Mackenzie. I try to stay close to her, keeping an even but competitive speed until we reach the town centre and the bridge. She is slightly ahead of me now, but it doesn't matter. I'm saving my strength for the end. There are more people watching us from the banks in town, also cheering for both of us.
Within minutes my T-shirt sticks to my back and my arms start to ache. My pace is good, but I slowly move ahead of her, fearing that if I let her get away I might lose. I lick my lips, breathing through my teeth. It's a short and fast race, and soon enough we both have around five hundred meters to go—and this time I'm ahead. The pain fires in my arms, my skin is numb from the cold, and my mouth is dry. I hold the oars tighter.
Every stroke feels like it's the last one I can make. My heart pumps more blood, my pulse is racing. I hear people standing on the outside. I hear my name being called, and I know that I must carry on to win. There is still so much more needed, and I know that I have to give it, to show everyone that I can fight back. Nothing seems impossible when I reach the last two hundred meters ahead of Mackenzie. My muscles are burning, as pain surges through my whole body. Every movement feels like hell. My arms are smoldering and I feel like every breath is my last one. Two hundred meters in and I'm moving quicker and smoother, detaching my pulsing body from my mind. The line is coming closer and closer, the crowd is cheering, and I just have to find that last bit of strength within me.
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