“I’m sorry I ruined high school, and I’m sorry about what I put you through. I would like to end this stupid war, your game,” I say quietly, but my voice cracks and my brain feels fuzzy. I squeeze my hands so tight I cut my blood circulation to my fingers. Oliver’s expression doesn’t reveal anything, and I know this is humiliating, but there is just no other way. I have to forget about his pranks if I want to rebuild what we both had before Christian made a hole in my heart.
He parts his lips with a sharp intake of breath. He looks slightly moved, like he didn’t expect me to apologise, especially after the race. He takes a step towards me, masking his uneasiness, whereas I’m falling back to that day when we kissed, remembering how I much l loved the way his soft lips brushed over mine. I stay still, as an unexpected chill runs over my back. There was no pretense, no acting, just pure joy of being with someone, before the dark hole pulled me apart.
“You’re apologising. That’s a first, Indi. That’s a first,” he mutters, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“I’m trying, Oliver. I’m fed up with these cruel games. I’m not asking for your friendship. Can we just stop fighting for at least one moment?”
This is my last and final pledge. He doesn’t know Dora overheard him. I’m not planning to let him know I’m aware that he decided to call it a day and hand me back my freedom in Braxton.
He runs his thumb over his lips and smiles lightly, and for the first time, I’m looking at the boy I fell for all those years ago. For a split second, he’s back, causing an explosion of fireworks inside my heart.
“Since you asked nicely, I’ll consider it. I gave you a taste of your own medicine. I can forgive you, but I will never forget.”
Chapter seventeen
First Letter
Present
Okay, I have to accept what he’s offering. He’s clear on that. I take a deep breath and walk up to him. His eyes sparkle with a hint of challenge when we stand facing each other even closer than before. This is my chance to make everything right. The truth will come with time, but this time it’s all about him.
“I’ll stay out of your way and you’ll stay out of mine. It’s a deal,” I say and extend my hand and wait for him to shake it. His eyes darken, and for a split second I wonder if he’s going to laugh in my face and insult me again. Surprisingly, after a long, tense moment, his palm touches mine and then we both shake hands.
“It looks like you got yourself a deal, Indi. Who would have thought so?” he says.
“Your mother would love to see you. Please consider visiting her while you’re in Gargle,” I add, maybe crossing the line, but I blame alcohol for my big mouth tonight. Oliver hasn’t won his bet yet, so for now I’m safe. He might be planning something else later on when we get back to Braxton, but I can’t worry about this now. I just have to trust him.
“Stay out of this. She doesn’t deserve to see me. My mother did enough damage already.”
“Oh, there you are. I th—”
Dora cuts in, stopping abruptly at the door. She spots Oliver by me and her eyes widen. I want to shout that we’re only talking, but Dora’s imagination starts working overtime.
“I was leaving anyway,” he snaps like he’s irritated Dora has seen him tonight.
“Oliver, bloody hell, what are you doing in Gargle?” asks my best friend as he passes her in the entrance.
“None of your business, Dor. Just pretend you didn’t see me,” he replies and strolls out of the room. My breathing comes back to normal when I’m left alone with her.
“What the fuck, India? What’s Oliver doing here?”
“I’ve no idea,” I say. “But you should be glad to know we’re no longer enemies,” I explain, trying to sound normal, but my voice is too high. Dora stares at me blankly, like I’m speaking Chinese.
“What, you agree to put all the pranks and nonsense behind you?”
“Yes, Dora, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. We agreed to put the hatred behind us.”
“So… so do you think you two will be friends now?”
“I wouldn’t vote for friendship. We just don’t hate each other anymore. It’s a bit of progress.”
Dora demands to hear everything that went on in this room between Oliver and me. After an intense interrogation by my best friend, I walk back downstairs. I need another drink to erase the image of Oliver from my head. As it turns out, he’s nowhere to be seen, and I start to wonder if our conversation took place only in my imagination. Last week, I wanted him dead and now we seem to be getting along just fine.
The rest of the evening passes in a blur. I pour alcohol down my throat and dance, trying to have fun. When the fireworks go off at midnight, I’m too drunk to even stand straight. At least the whole evening wasn’t a complete waste. Oliver hasn’t forgotten. He’s temporarily forgiven how cruel I used to be. He couldn’t have come because of me, but then I remember he was ready to rescue me, before Russell took over.
Past
It’s been thirteen months since I saw Oliver last. Thirteen long months since I made a decision to abandon my bad self. Oliver’s mother has been going through a divorce, and I’ve put in my UCAS application to Braxton. My grades were good and Mum kept saying I’d definitely get the place.
That night, I sat down at my desk and decided to tell the world what happened to me. I had to revisit that night at the party. Mrs. Morgan hadn’t heard back from Oliver, but she promised to give me his address. She knew he moved to Scotland. I wasn’t quite sure how she got his details. After all, he refused to even acknowledge her.
I stared at the blank piece of paper for a while. Locking my eyes on it, I debated if it was fair to reveal this horrible secret in this letter. It would be so much easier if I wrote to him rather than facing him.
My coping mechanism stopped working because of his departure from Gargle. In the past few months, I’d been dealing with the past on my own. Most of the girls from the cheerleading team turned their backs on me when I left. People stopped looking up to me. In the past I’d taught the others how to be cruel, but now that I’d abandoned all the parties, most people didn’t seem to acknowledge me anymore. Instead of going out and socializing, I started spending more time with my sister. Dora was still my loyal friend, but she didn’t get why I didn’t want to date and get drunk almost every weekend.
No one understood the new me, and no one would because that was just part of the plan.
I pressed the pen to the paper and started writing, knowing when the time came, I’d hand this letter to him.
Dear Oliver,
I know you didn’t expect to hear from me, but please just give me a chance and stay until the end. I know I made your life very difficult when I was in Gargle, but now it’s time to explain.
I understand there is no excuse and you probably don’t want to listen to what I have to say, but there was a reason behind this.
I tried to cope with so many things and I didn’t want to be that person who kept inflicting pain, but seeing you hurt helped. It healed me.
Now, I’m writing to explain the reason behind all that hate I threw at you.
This had nothing to do with Christian’s death. I wasn’t overwhelmed and confused.
The truth was always the same. I was never in love with him.
I turned my back on you because of the secret I’ve been keeping from you for more than a year.
We both knew Christian wasn’t the person we thought he was. After all, you knew him better than me.
On that day at the party, when you were supposed to show up, he hurt me in more ways than you could imagine. My life had been crushed. I should have seen this coming. He changed a few weeks before the party. He became aggressive and moody. You probably already suspect where I’m going with this. Christian hit me, and during the party, he did things to me that I thought other human beings weren’t capable of doing.
This was the same night we were going to tell him together that I was breaking up with him, but you neve
r made it to the party. I was all alone. He took control and locked the door to the bedroom.
I don’t think I’m able to explain what happened after that in this letter. I still see him standing by the bed when I close my eyes.
He made sure no one could see the bruises. He told me he knew I didn’t love him and he only went out with me because he saw how you were looking at me during that first day at school.
He dropped me home that night. I don’t even remember how I got to my room without anyone else noticing what kind of state I was in.
When my mother knocked on my door a few hours later, telling me Christian was killed in a car accident, I was in shock. Through these words, my mother injected a new life into me, and I didn’t want to kill myself anymore.
Then came the funeral. No one knew Christian had turned into a monster, that he hurt me, abused me, physically and mentally.
I turned my frustration and pain to you, and from then, I continued to hate you.
India
Present
I kept all the letters I wrote to Oliver. They’re safe in my room in Braxton, hidden under the bed. After I wrote to him, I changed my mind and didn’t send any of them. He needs to hear the whole truth from me, personally. Facing him is the way forward for me.
Dora had a fight with Jacob, but I only found out the next day, New Year’s Day. When I spoke to her yesterday, I didn’t quite understand what the problem was, but she sounded upset. She promised to talk to me this evening, as soon as her mother drops her back to Braxton.
I get to Braxton around midday. The time has gone so fast and now I have to face reality. The race was a disaster, but there’s no point in dwelling on it now. A few people give me funny looks when I walk through campus. It’s the beginning of January and everyone isn’t back yet, so for now I take a few laughable jokes and rounds of whispers.
Our apartment is a mess. Before I even unpack, I start cleaning. I want to keep myself busy. After my civilised conversation with Oliver, I hardly slept, analysing everything we said to each other. My head has been working constantly since Boxing Day. It looks like we both agreed to a ceasefire. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.
Once the apartment is under control, I relax in front of my laptop. My first exam is in two weeks and I should be studying, but I’m too caught up with tangling thoughts about Oliver. It seems he is my obsession. The key to the past and possibly a key to the present.
I close my eyes for a minute and then, without even knowing it, I doze off. When I wake up, it’s dark outside and I hear sobbing in Dora’s room. Rubbing my eyes, I check the clock. It’s just after four. Dora probably saw me on the sofa and decided to lock herself away.
I knock softly and then go in. Okay, seeing Dora in tears shocks me. My best friend has never cried over a guy, and now she looks so hurt, like she’s suffering because she has a broken heart for the first time in her life.
“Dora, are you okay?” I ask gently.
She lifts her wet eyes and looks at me. “Do I look like I’m okay?”
“No, so why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” I ask.
She blows her nose loudly and says, “Me and Jacob broke up. It’s over.”
Okay, I have to admit I’m completely startled. Dora’s relationship seemed prefect. They probably had a fight so they need some time apart to think about what happened. This will be over before she knows it.
“Right, start from the beginning. You guys were fine at the party,” I say, wondering if I missed something. I wasn’t paying much attention to Dora during the party. She vanished for a good few hours before midnight, and I was too caught up with my own emotions and too drunk to notice her disappearance.
“That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have taken him to Melanie’s house. I should have known George and Jason would be there!”
Dora’s exes. There’s a long list of them, and I’m pretty sure Dora hasn’t told Jacob any more than he already knows about her previous dating life. Now her past is biting her back. From what she told me, Jacob is quite the jealous type. He obviously loves her and he is aware of how unstable she can be around other men.
“Did something happen?” I press.
She doesn’t want to tell me at first, but after a long and painful interrogation, I manage to get the truth out of her. Dora couldn’t help herself. She had been faithful and on good behaviour until she came to Gargle, and all of the sudden, she lost her attention because she told people she was already taken. She started flirting when Jacob was busy entertaining the crowd. Someone must have said something to Jacob because he confronted her and she lied, pretending she wasn’t doing anything wrong. As I suspected, Dora didn’t just flirt. She was doing more than that, but she refuses to talk about that evening. In the end, she and Jacob had a massive argument and he said they should call it off if she wants to keep fooling around. Jacob was right; Dora should have told him that she dated half the town back in her late teens. Instead, she lied, flirting without thinking about consequences, and now she only got what she deserved.
“Go and talk to him. I’m sure he didn’t mean it when he said you were finished,” I say, being a supportive friend. She knows she has to apologise if she wants him back.
“Fuck him. He was suffocating me. I had no freedom.” She fumes, clenching her fists. She doesn’t mean it. I know her too well. There’s a hint of desperation in her voice. Besides, I think this argument is rooted in the fact that Jacob told her he loves her, and she got scared. She’s too proud to admit she’s in love with him too.
“He makes you happy. Come on, I can see you’re upset. Talk to him,” I insist. “Just tell him he’s the only man in your life.”
She arches her eyebrow, folding her clothes in a pile.
“He accused me of cheating, so he can forget all about us. I never promised him anything. It was supposed to be a fling. That’s it!”
“Come on, Dora, we both know Jacob is perfect for you. It wasn’t just a fling,” I say, but she pretends she doesn’t hear. I sigh and leave her alone, thinking this will be much more difficult than I originally anticipated. Dora is too caught up with herself to see that Jacob will make her happy. Maybe she’s afraid of commitment, afraid to get hurt, like I used to be.
Chapter eighteen
Braxton
Present
The next few days pass quietly. Dora doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say about Jacob. She is adamant that it’s over between them. While going to the library, I search for him on campus, but it looks like he hasn’t come back to Braxton yet. The classes haven’t restarted, so I assume he’s preparing for exams at home.
People still stare at me when I hurry through campus, but now it is all about the fact that Oliver isn’t interested in me anymore.
As the end of the week approaches, Dora gets more depressed. She doesn’t seem to care about her exams. I’m starting to worry about her. In the end, I can’t concentrate on my own revision.
On Saturday, I can no longer stand Dora and the way she stares blankly at the wall. She stopped talking to me, and I hate seeing her in this state. My best friend has issues, but I’m convinced she and Jacob belong together. He’s the first guy she’s ever been with for more than a day. I can’t just let her throw this relationship away. It’s possible Jacob might be back, but he’s avoiding me.
When Dora leaves for the library for the first time in days, I sneak into her room in order to find Jacob’s address. He lives with Oliver, and I remember Dora has talked about their house being situated next to Grayson Park. My best friend is organised. All the phone numbers and addresses are on her pink notepad, so I don’t have to search long. I write down all the details I need and shove it down into my jeans pocket.
I put my jacket on and leave our apartment. It’s freezing outside and it’s getting dark when I reach Grand Avenue. It’s on the north side of town, filled with semi-detached houses. I bite my lips, looking for their house and wondering if I’m doing the right thing
. Dora would kill me if she knew I got involved in her business. She’s miserable and stubborn, and I want to see her happy again.
After a twenty-minute walk, I locate the right house and stand on the other side of the street for a minute, contemplating what to say to Jacob. My stomach contracts almost painfully. I’m not only risking Dora’s friendship, but also the ceasefire with Oliver, because he might be inside. He made it clear he doesn’t want to be friends with me, and that’s fine, so I can’t push my luck.
Hesitating, I knock at his house and wait, feeling like I’m standing on pins and needles. My breathing gets heavier when I hear footsteps. A young student opens the door. He looks familiar, although we were never introduced. I remember him hanging out with Jacob a few times. He stands at the door, staring at me for a while, looking slightly surprised.
“Yes, are you lost?” he asks with his thick Scottish accent.
“Eee, yes… no… I’m here to see Jacob,” I say. After going through the initial shock that I don’t have to worry about Oliver, I flash him my beautiful smile. Back in high school, I used to be very good at flirting. I could always get what I wanted. I was Christian’s girlfriend and no one ever wanted to cross him. I used to hate myself for that, but it is time to use my charms to help Dora.
The light-haired bloke measures me up and down for at least half a minute before he responds.
“You wanna come in?” he asks, inviting me with a smile. I’m certain he does recognise me as one of Dora’s friends. That cynical smirk on his face easily gives him away.
“So is Jacob in?” I ask after I walk into a typical student-style living room with two black leather sofas. I smell burnt food and one glance around tells me only male students are occupants of this not-very-tidy house.
“No idea. He might be upstairs.”
“Is he back to Braxton? I’m just wondering why I haven’t seen him on campus.”
The guy scratches his head, convincing me more and more that he genuinely might not be one of the brightest.
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