The time was passing and we were halfway through May. The horse chestnuts in the Park were proudly displaying their candles, ready to burst into beautiful flower, and I should have been joyous, but I would often wake in the mornings and it was as though I were emerging from an uneasy world of dreams which left nothing coherent behind but a vague sense of uneasiness.
The Carrington offer for the house in Finlay Square had been accepted and the contracts were in the process of being drawn up. We still had a key apiece, Philip and I. I didn't want to give mine up because I still had the urge to go there, and I did so now and then, trying to reconcile myself to the place. I would stand in the rooms and try to discover what it was I disliked about it.
Once when I was coming out I met Bessie. It was her half day off and she must have been walking near the square. She knew I went there because she had been talking with me when I took the key out of the drawer.
She looked at me shyly. "This is going to be your new home, isn't it, Miss Ellen?"
"Yes," I said.
"It's a beautiful house. I hope Hawley and me will be together one day. It's what he's said shall be."
"I daresay it will," I said brightly. "And Rose is going to marry the coachman. You'll all be together."
"You come here often, don't you, Miss Ellen? I would. To plan how things will be. I wouldn't be able to tear myself away."
Bessie went back to the house and I followed more leisurely.
Two days later I visited the house again. As I let myself in I was telling myself: It will look so different when it is finished. I mounted the stairs. I was getting used to the place. I couldn't think what had possessed me to have the fancies I had. Was it really misgiving about the house or was it apprehension for the future and the life we would lead, Philip and I, in these four walls?
Did I want to marry Philip? Of course I did. I thought of the alternative. During the last few weeks I had forgotten how humiliating my position had been. I had ceased to think of Mrs. Oman Lemming waiting for her governess. What had the future held out for me before Philip had asked me to marry him? I had forgotten all that just because I had seen Philip's brother and realized suddenly that one does not necessarily want an old playmate—whatever the affection you have for him—for a husband.
I was marrying Philip to escape—and that was not really a good reason for marriage, I knew, yet how was it possible to back out now? But it's not too late. It was almost as though the house was telling me that. You could stop it now, negotiations are not complete and there has been no signing on the dotted line. You could escape now.
Escape? Where to? To Mrs. Oman Lemming?
Maybe. But to escape from her is no reason for marriage.
Then, I reproached myself, why didn't you think of this before? Why do you have to start plaguing yourself with it now?
It was just because I was afraid of the future. Mrs. Oman Lemming was looming up before me and there seemed no escape from the dreary life which I knew I was going to hate. And then Philip's proposal had been so unexpected and promised such fun; it was only at this eleventh hour that I realized I was plunging into marriage without much experience of life.
What nonsense! What experience of life do girls have? What has Esmeralda had? What does she know of life? She was once lost in a market. That was the nearest she came to knowing there was a world outside her tight little circle.
Yet there was this strange feeling creeping over me. The house was rejecting me. We don't want you here, it seemed to be saying.
These rooms are not for you. We will never accept you. That was the message of the house.
I clenched my fists. Metaphorically I shook them at the house. If I want to live here, I will. It is my life and how could I possibly be a governess to that old tyrant and her loathsome brood now? Philip would never allow it.
It was comforting to think of Philip, his gaiety, his comradeship, his kindness. I did love him—in a way.
Then I heard it—or perhaps sensed it—the sudden awareness that I was not alone in the house.
The house was so quiet. One could imagine anything else. Then it was there again. The step on the stairs. The creak of feet on wood. Now it was distinct. Footsteps were coming up the stairs. I immediately thought of that other occasion when Rollo had come into the house. It's Rollo again, I reassured myself. As he is making the arrangements, he has naturally come to have another look at it.
The door opened slowly. I almost cried out: "Rollo!" Then my flesh started to creep, for it was not Rollo. It was a man who stood there smiling at me in an odd sort of way. I put my hands behind my back for fear he should see that they were trembling.
I knew this man. He was the tall dark one who had spoken to me at the Chopin recital.
I stammered: "How . . . how did you get in?"
He held up a door key.
"Where did you get it?" I demanded.
He laughed and answered: "The house is for sale, I believe."
"No, it's sold. I can't understand. I suppose the agent gave it to you. He shouldn't have done so. The house is sold ... or all but sold."
"Oh, they can never be sure until everything is signed and sealed. They must go on trying to sell it."
As he spoke he kept his eyes fixed on me and I felt an uneasiness creeping over me. The fact that the house was empty and I was alone in it with this man struck me forcibly.
"So," I went on, feeling the need to say something even though it was obvious, "you came to look at the house."
He nodded and advanced into the room. I desperately wanted to get out through the door but I did not see how I could without passing him.
"This house is definitely off the market," I added.
"That's a pity because I quite like it."
"So you are wasting your time."
His hooded eyes regarded me intently. I wished I knew what he was thinking because I was sure there was something more in this than what he would have it appear.
"Perhaps," he said. "But while I am here I shall look round. You never know ... if the sale fell through and I liked it particularly well, I could then jump into the breach."
I was nearly at the door but he had taken a step towards me. I said hurriedly: "I'll leave you to look round."
"Couldn't we look together? I know so little about houses. I should welcome your comments."
"I must remind you again that it is sold."
I thought cunningly that I would pretend to go round with him and when I reached the ground floor I would remember an appointment and before he had time to stop me I would open the front door and walk out.
"All the same," I went on, "if you want to look round, do. Let's start at the bottom."
"You are kind." He stood aside for me to pass and as I started to walk downstairs I was aware of him very close behind me. Why did I feel so scared? What was it about him? He seemed so large, so powerfully built that he made me feel helpless. Moreover, somehow I didn't quite believe he had come to see the house, and why should the house agent have given him the key when he knew the Carringtons were buying the house? It was all rather mystifying.
"A pleasant house," he was saying.
"My fiance thinks so," I replied.
"And you don't?"
"I think it's adequate."
"Just look at this banister. It's rather elegant, don't you think?"
"Yes, it's well carved."
I took a few steps down. I had rarely been so frightened in my life.
Is he mad? I asked myself. Why is he here? I know it is not to see the house. Why did he follow me upstairs?
I prayed as I stood there on the stairs. Oh God, let me get away.
I'll never want to come to this house again. But let me get away from this man.
"Did you say something?" he asked.
"Pleasant carving," I repeated.
"Oh yes, yes. And you are appreciative of that. Like you, I am appreciative of beautiful things."
I wondered whether I would da
sh down the stairs now. If I did he would follow me. Perhaps I could make it sound normal, something like: "Good gracious, look at the time. I had no idea. I have to hurry away. To meet my fiance."
Why had he come here? He must have seen me come in. Had he been lurking in the square? The agent had no right to give him a key. He had some motive for coming here and I could not think what.
Get down the stairs, I told myself. When you are in the hall make a dash for it. They say that when you are in danger you conjure up extra powers. You can run faster than you ever did before. It's nature's provision.
Could I open the door quickly enough? I tried to remember what the catch was like. Some doors were difficult. . . they had their little idiosyncrasies.
How frightened I was, and he sensed my fear I was sure. It amused him. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the curl of his lips, the glitter of his eyes.
I prayed again: Oh God, please help me.
And then my prayer was answered. We were on the stairs looking down onto the hall when I saw a dark shadow before the glass panel of the door. He saw it too. I heard his quick intake of breath as the door opened and Rollo stepped into the hall.
He could not have been more surprised to see us than we were to see him. He gazed at us in astonishment; then I saw his expression change as his eyes went from me to the dark man.
I had stood as though rooted to the stair. I heard myself explaining: "There's been a misunderstanding. This gentleman didn't know the house was sold. He came to look over it."
Rollo frowned. "Didn't the agent explain?"
"I think he wasn't completely sure," said the dark man. "There didn't seem to be any reason why I shouldn't look it over."
"He had no right to give you a false impression," said Rollo.
The dark man smiled. "I suppose he thought there was no harm in having a second string to his bow in case the first one broke. I shall have a word with him. I didn't realize negotiations had gone so far. There seems to be no point in my continuing my investigations."
He bowed to me and went to the door. There he turned and looked straight at me before the door shut on him.
"What an extraordinary thing!" cried Rollo. "I can't understand the agent's allowing him to have a key when things have gone as far as they have, with the deal on the verge of completion."
"Who is he?" I asked. "He said he was some connection of yours."
"Of mine! I don't know him. A connection, he said?"
"Yes, he was at the recital. He told me then."
"So you'd met him before. I've no notion who he is. My father may know him. What's his name?"
"I never heard it. We weren't introduced at the recital. He was just beside me and addressed a few words to me. The next time I saw him was here."
"How very strange, and you seem a little upset."
"It was finding someone here . . . looking at the house."
Rollo nodded. "Oh well, we'll find out who he is. I am a little concerned about the dining-room ceiling. There's a certain amount of damp there. The surveyor pointed it out. I thought I'd come and take a look at it."
I was still feeling dazed as I followed him into the dining room. Rollo looked at the ceiling and said he would consult the builders and after that we went into the garden. He was very precise. "You should employ a professional gardener although it's small," he said. "Philip will be no good at it. Are you?"
"I doubt it," I said.
"Then a good gardener is definitely the answer. Get someone to plan it for you and keep it trim. It could be quite charming then."
We went through the house and out into the square.
"It's good of you to take so much trouble," I told him.
"For my own brother and his wife!" He turned to look at me, his eyes were appraising but warm. "I want you to know, Ellen, how very much we welcome you into the family."
I still felt uneasy. I just could not shake off the feeling.
Rollo called a cab. Clop-clop went the horse's hoofs, and Rollo sat beside me upright, looking satisfied as though something he had undertaken had succeeded very well.
As we turned into the square my heart gave a leap of terror, for standing on the pavement looking straight into the cab was the dark man.
He lifted his hat and bowed to me.
I glanced at Rollo. He had not noticed.
I could not get that morning's events out of my mind. I did not go into the house in Finlay Square again. I couldn't bring myself to. I did walk past it once or twice looking up at those long windows. I said to myself: Nothing would induce me to go there again.
The wedding was three weeks away. My dress was being made by Lady Emily's own dressmaker. Cousin William Loring was happy to pay for it. Mine was going to be one of the weddings of the year and even Cousin Agatha was growing excited about it, bustling about as if she had arranged it. Although it was the marriage of a Poor Relation everything must be perfect, because society must see the kind of reception the Lorings gave to their family. Her great sorrow was that all this fuss was for me, but when she convinced herself that it was a kind of rehearsal for Esmeralda's wedding she was reconciled. And of course Esmeralda was to be a bridesmaid.
"What a fuss getting married is," said Esmeralda. "I'm so glad I'm not the bride."
We had chosen a good many furnishings for the house and much would be done while we were away on our honeymoon, which would be for four weeks. Italy was the chosen place. Philip was delighted that I had never been and looked forward to showing me. Venice was to be our first call and there we should stay until we felt the urge to move on.
I should have been excited and happy, and yet I couldn't dismiss the feeling that I was on the edge of some disaster.
It's marriage, I thought. I'm not ready for it. I want to wait a while.
But how could I say to Philip: 'Let's postpone our marriage. Let's get to know each other'? He would burst into laughter and say that if we did not know each other by now we never would.
It wasn't exactly what I meant. We didn't know each other because we scarcely knew anything of the world, either of us. If the genie of the lamp could rise before me and ask me what I wished I would have no hesitation in saying: Time.
I was frightened by the speed with which the time was flying past. Two more weeks, ten more days. . .
I wanted to stop time, to say: "Wait. I must think." I was not sleeping very well and would lie awake during the night and my problem would niggle away at me. I fancied Rollo had changed towards me since that last encounter in the house. He seemed to avoid me.
Philip was exuberant. It was clear that he did not suffer from my doubts. I saw Philip afresh now. He was all enthusiasms for whatever obsessed him at the moment, and I thought again and again: He's very young. So was I for that matter, but it seemed to me that I had grown up since my engagement. Grown up, yes, and left Philip behind.
It was the Sunday before our wedding day. There were six more days to go. We were to be married at St. George's Hanover Square and then go back to the Lorings' house for the reception. In the late afternoon we should leave for Venice.
I should have been congratulating myself on my good fortune and at times I did, but not for long. Into my thoughts would creep an insidious notion that I was making a mistake, a mistake fraught with danger, and that I would never again be the old Ellen who, even as a Poor Relation, had enjoyed life wholeheartedly and had often been able to laugh at her own misfortunes.
In the afternoon Philip and I walked through the Park to Kensington Gardens. We skirted the Palace and watched the ducks on the Round Pond; then we walked back across the grass and sat by the Serpentine and talked. Philip was gay. At least he had no doubts, capable as he was of complete absorption in the moment. I remembered that even as children when we would be doing something which would assuredly bring us some punishment, he had never thought ahead. I have never known anyone who had such a capacity for living in and enjoying the moment. It is a great gift. Darling Philip, I was to
be grateful later that he possessed it.
"Six whole days," he was saying. "It seems a lifetime. I'll be glad when all the fuss is over. It won't be long, Ellen, before we're sailing down the Grand Canal with our gondolier soothing us with his beautiful song. Aren't you pleased?"
"Of course. It'll be wonderful."
"It was always us, wasn't it? As soon as I came home from school I'd ask if you were there. Of course we always had to have Esmeralda trailing on, but I wanted to be with you in spite of that."
"You're cruel to Esmeralda. In the first place you should have been kinder to her in your youth and in the second place you should have married her."
"As we're not allowed two wives in this country and I'd already decided on you, how could I?"
"You were always obstinate."
"And what of you? Ours will be a nice explosive union, Ellen. We shall argue and fight and make it up and love each other until the end of our days."
"Let's try to do that, Philip," I said.
He took my hand and held it firmly.
"I've no qualms," he told me seriously.
"It's not too late to get out of it even now. If you'd like more time. . ."
"More time! I want less time. A week's a hell of a long way off."
And so we chatted on that seat in the Park and afterwards I tried to remember every word that was said in case in that conversation there might have been some clue to what followed. Try as I might, I could remember nothing. It seemed to be the sort of conversation Philip and I had had a thousand times.
In the evening we went to church and afterwards I walked home with Cousin Agatha, Cousin William and Esmeralda. We retired early, for there was never entertaining on Sundays, and I sat by my window for some time looking out on the gardens and thinking that this time next week I should be married. Philip and I would be on our way to Venice.
I rose as usual without an inkling of what might have happened. Then Rollo rode over in the midmorning.
Lord of the Far Island Page 9