by Luna, David
“Um no, I avoided looking at you, because I was afraid I’d get a hard on and have to go bounce on a trampoline with a boner! I’m pretty sure that just glancing your way when you were naked would have had me hard for the rest of the day, and I highly doubt my body would do the same for you.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you have no concept of how beautiful you are? You take amazing care of your body. Every single inch of you is covered in lean muscle. Not to mention, every single other thing about you that’s gorgeous. I constantly want to play with your hair and touch your soft skin, look in your gorgeous deep green eyes, and kiss those soft full lips. Most of what you see of me is a lot of lucky genes at work.”
Braden scrunched his nose, still unable, or unwilling to believe Cade’s words. “But, we’re complete opposites. I would assume your type to be more like you, closer to your size or something. I’m just so much smaller than you that it’s almost embarrassing. I’m not strong and tough, like you and your friends.”
Cade shook his head and sighed in frustration. “Don’t, Braden. Don’t belittle yourself. First of all, you’re stronger than some men I served with, I can promise you that. Don’t ever be embarrassed of your body around me. I can’t wait to learn every inch of you. I never even knew I had a type, until I saw you. You fail to realize that your size is one of the things that turns me on the most.”
Cade shifted his weight, irritated with his inability to get through to Braden. “I’m extremely protective of you, Braden. I think that’s pretty significant. That you, especially your size, brings out that protective instinct like I’ve never felt before. I never knew that was something I needed in a partner. There isn’t a thing about you that I would change, especially your size.”
Braden glanced quickly up into Cade’s eyes. “It’s just hard to believe.”
Cade’s brow furrowed. “Believe it, Braden.”
Braden glanced back down at his lap but nodded, wanting more than anything to believe him. “Alright.”
They sat in silence for a moment or two. Cade reached out and placed both of his large hands on Braden’s knees. The gesture had him glancing at Cade’s forearms. Braden stopped fiddling with his ring and reached a hand out to trace one of Cade’s tattoos. “Can I ask you something?”
Cade gently nudged Braden’s head up with his hand, forcing Braden to look at him. “Anything.”
Braden bit his lip, glanced at Cade’s chest and looked back up. “Do your tattoos mean anything? You have so many and they’re all over. I thought at first they were just on your arms, but you have them everywhere, don’t you?”
Cade’s face looked concerned, and something else Braden couldn’t grasp. “Do they bother you?”
“No. Umm, I’ve never cared one way or another about tattoos before, but yours, I love yours. Really, really love yours.”
Cade’s face relaxed at that news, a knowing grin slipping across his lips. “Most of them are just beautiful designs, created by my tattoo artist, who I’ve been friends with for years. I told him once that I really liked the look of Maori tribal tattoos, where each design builds on top of the next and it all flows together, so he incorporated a lot of that. Some of them do have specific meaning but as you know, I like my privacy, so the ones that have a story are usually embedded in such a way that I’d need to point them out. One day I’ll tell you about them, but tonight is about you, OK?”
Braden blushed, but nodded and whispered, “OK.”
“Good, now, can we get under the covers and can I hold you? Which side of the bed do you prefer?”
Braden shrugged. “Uh, it doesn’t matter. You can choose.”
Cade shook his head. “No baby, this is not about my comfort, it’s about yours. You pick your side. I can sleep anywhere, so don’t worry about me.”
“OK, I like this side.”
Cade slid over to the opposite side of the bed and got under the covers with Braden. He stacked a few pillows behind him so that he was reclining, but not laying down flat. He patted his chest. “Put your back to my chest.”
Braden knew right away that Cade was once again choosing a position for them that would help Braden be able to get through their discussion feeling some measure of comfort. Braden suspected that Cade knew the conversation was going to be difficult enough and he wanted to help him feel at ease by letting Braden have his back to him.
Braden looked directly into Cade’s eyes. “When you had me sit on your lap earlier, you put yourself below my eye level on purpose didn’t you? Just like you’re asking me to face away from you now, right? You’re trying to make me feel at ease with you.”
Cade reached out a hand and brushed Braden’s hair back over his shoulder. “My size intimidates people, whether I want it to or not, and I’ll admit that if a situation calls for it, I want it to. However, I would never use my size to intimidate or hurt you. We’re at the beginning stages of our relationship and the way I see it, part of my job in our relationship, is to take care of you, to put your needs before my own. I need you to trust me, to feel safe with me, if this relationship is going to work. So yes, I’ll do anything I can do to help with that.”
Braden pulled Cade’s hand into his lap. “I appreciate what you’re doing and admit it makes me feel more at ease. I don’t know quite how it is that you know me well enough to know these things, but I’m grateful, regardless. Can I ask you a favor?”
Cade squeezed Braden’s hand. “Anything.”
Braden glanced a Cade, his gaze imploring. “Can you promise me that you won’t pull your automaton act again and go to Vaughn’s and beat the shit out of a punching bag, until your hands are bruised and bloody? I think after this conversation; I’m really going to need you here with me.”
Cade pulled Braden closer and kissed his palm. “I promise. I’m sorry I did that and worried you, baby.”
Cade gently took Braden’s face in his hands and drew him into a soft kiss. He got up, dimmed the lights, and got back in bed. He helped get Braden situated and pulled the blanket over them. Settling his arms around Braden, he kissed the top of his head and whispered, “You feel so good in my arms. You’re safe here, Braden. Talk to me.”
Taking a deep breath, Braden started at the beginning. He told Cade how his relationship with Eric had begun like most of his relationships. He’d been attracted to Eric immediately and had made the first move. They’d dated and gotten to know each other. Eric was older than Braden by 10 years and a CEO of a well-respected local non-profit. Braden admitted that he was in awe of Eric at the beginning of their relationship. He was so self-assured, so strong and commanding. Braden easily began to lose himself in Eric, but he thought he was in love, so he didn’t think anything of it. He found himself moving in with Eric after only dating him for three months.
Braden blushed, but he knew he needed to say this next bit, before he lost his nerve. He needed Cade to understand why he couldn’t give someone else control. “I don’t even want to tell you this. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m some kind of kink freak, but before Eric, I’d always wanted to be in a relationship that tested boundaries. I had fantasies about being dominated in the bedroom. I had always wanted to let go and feel free to trust someone with my body and push my limits, sexually, but I kept it to myself because I was embarrassed.”
Braden cleared his throat and shifted in Cade’s arms. “In the early days, with my rose colored glasses, I thought his domineering ways were sexy. That he was just that into me. Thinking back on it now, I’m so ashamed to admit that I enjoyed feeling like he’d fallen in love with me so quickly. I had never been with someone that was so intense and it felt good, because he was so purely focused on me and I’d never had that. I wish now that I hadn’t been that naïve, that I hadn’t convinced myself it was love, when it was really more like an unhealthy obsession. I’m angry that I didn’t see him for what he was.”
Braden went on to explain that he couldn’t remember when it started to change. It wasn’t like one day, out of the
blue, he beat the shit out of him. It was small things at first. Things that if looked at individually weren’t a huge deal, but lump them together with the whole, and there was a definite pattern. At first, he would act sad when Braden came home late, or disappointed if Braden spent a lot of time with Maya. Braden hated seeing him upset, so he started to make an effort to be punctual and reserve his free time for Eric. Then Eric had issues with Braden’s clothes and the things he would say. Eric had started to buy Braden clothes, and though Braden didn’t like them, he wore them so he wouldn’t hurt Eric’s feelings.
Pretty soon the relationship was taking a toll on Braden. He was having more migraines than usual and generally just not feeling well, physically. He took a good look at what was going on, the way he’d begun to completely change who he was. The sad and disappointed expressions had long since been replaced by irate looks and angry words. They were fighting all the time and Eric would often push him around and make it look like an accident. It happened often enough that when Eric eventually moved on to hitting Braden, he wasn’t even surprised, and didn’t believe Eric’s promises that he would never do it again. At that point he felt trapped.
He was in an abusive relationship with a man who was known in the area as a do-gooder, the CEO of HYSC that did amazing things for the community’s homeless youth. He didn’t trust anyone would believe him and in the end, he knew Eric would go ballistic if he ever reported him. That was when he made the decision to leave, and he began planning.
He went and bought another phone from a different carrier with a new number. He didn’t know if Eric had somehow cloned his old phone or had a tracker on it, because he always seemed to know every step Braden took. After that, he maintained both phones, hiding his new one from Eric and giving everyone else in his life his new number.
He asked Maya if he could move in with her for a while. Over the course of several weeks, he gradually moved all of his own things out of Eric’s house, with Eric none the wiser. It was unexpectedly easy to do. Most of his stuff, including his clothes, were in boxes in the basement, as Eric had said he didn’t have a lot of room for Braden’s stuff in the house. Braden had nearly an entire wardrobe full of stuff Eric had bought him, his own clothes had been moved to the basement months prior, so they weren’t in the way of what Eric called his “new look”.
Once he had all of his stuff moved out of Eric’s house and over to Maya’s, he created a new email account he would use going forward and a dummy email account for backup. He went about changing his passwords for everything else he could think of. He even went so far as to open several new bank accounts. Anything that Eric could tamper with or use to keep tabs on him was changed or shut down.
He set up a draft of an email on his old email account with Eric as the main recipient and his dummy email address under the BCC line with the subject: Video. He typed up a letter to Eric, one he would leave on the countertop for Eric to find when he got home after Braden had made his final escape. He drove back over to Eric’s and set up a camera in their bedroom, knowing that Eric would hurt him, but not seeing another way to guarantee his safe escape.
From past experience, Braden counted on being knocked around and Eric storming out of the house for hours. That evening, when Eric got home from work, Braden told him that he was going to leave. Things went according to plan, only much worse than Braden had expected. Eric beat him until he was nearly unconscious, and then viciously raped him. Eric screamed and railed at Braden, telling him he would never let him leave, even threatened to kill him. All of it was caught on camera. Eric left after that, assuming of course that Braden was too hurt to move and would stay, like he always had in the past.
Eric was gone for at least an hour, as it took that long for Braden to be able to get himself off the bed, complete his plan, and leave. When he’d finally made his way over to his phone, he saved the video to his new Dropbox account, attached the video to his email draft that he’d created earlier, and sent a copy to Eric and the dummy email account. He found Eric’s iPad, logged in, checked that the email came through and the video worked, and marked it as unread. He left the letter he’d printed at Maya’s on the kitchen counter, walked out the door to his car and left.
The letter said he was leaving Eric and he never wanted to see or hear from him again. It asked Eric to check his email and view the video he received. It stated that there were two more copies of the video and that one of them was sent to a lawyer that would remain nameless. If anything were to happen to him, Maya or Nana, Eric’s board of directors would receive a copy, as well as all the local news channels and the police department.
Braden drove to the closest supermarket and tossed his old phone into the dumpster out back. He drove himself to the hospital where he had a rape kit done in order to have the evidence later in case he needed it. He was urged to contact the police, but he refused at that point and was treated for the rest of his injuries. He had a concussion and possible internal bleeding, so they kept him overnight for further observation and testing.
He was released the next day and went home to Maya’s place. He got in bed and called her, telling her he was at her house, but was feeling like shit and just needed a few days off. He assured her he was fine and would see her when she got home. Later when she arrived, she came to talk to him and he convinced her that the breakup was dealt with and he just had a really bad migraine and needed to stay home for a few days. He was able to recuperate without her knowing he’d been beaten so badly and three days after getting home, he was back at work. He’d never heard back from Eric after that and had hoped he never would.
Finally done telling the story, he sat in Cade’s strong embrace for a while, coming back into himself and taking stock. He hadn’t realized that he had been shaking the whole time he’d been telling Cade about the abuse. Nor had he known that he had tears running down his face, which he rubbed away. Neither of them said anything for several minutes. He could feel how tense Cade was. Sometime during his walk back through his relationship with his ex, he’d ended up on Cade’s lap again and was being held so tightly, it was just shy of being hard to breathe and yet somehow it was perfect. At that point, he had nothing to lose, so he asked Cade exactly what was on his mind. “Do you think less of me, or think I’m weak?”
Cade’s body shook with emotion. “God, how can you ask me that? Braden, look at me.”
Taking a deep fortifying breath, not knowing what was to come, Braden turned his head and looked at Cade. He had tears in his eyes and such sorrow in them that it nearly broke Braden in two.
Cade gently swiped away Braden’s remaining tears. “I think you’re the strongest man I know. You did what you had to do, and you were so fucking smart about it. As pissed off as I was to learn about that video when you first told me, I know that you did the only thing you could think of to get the hell away from him. You protected yourself, Maya, and Nana, which in itself makes me so damned proud of you. I would give anything to have been there, to have been able to protect you myself. I feel so useless right now. I want to kill him, Braden. I want to kill him for laying a hand on you. The only thing that’s keeping me from it is that I know it would end up hurting you in the end.”
Braden was stunned by Cade’s words. He reached up and trailed his fingers gently down Cade’s face, leaned in and kissed him with every ounce of emotion he had in him. Cade drew slowly away. “Can I please stay with you tonight? We won’t talk about the other stuff right now, but please don’t ask me to leave, I can’t do it. I need to hold you in my arms tonight.”
Braden managed a tremulous smile. “Yes, please stay. I’ve never told anyone what I’ve told you. It felt good to finally say it, to get it out. I feel like a weight has been lifted, Zavier. Thank you for listening.”
“I’d do just about anything for you.” After a few beats of silence in which they gazed at each other, Cade tilted his head. “Can I ask you something?”
Braden nodded. “Yes.”
“When I
was asking questions to help us learn more about who could be stalking you, you said you’ve been single for over a year, but have you had any dates since that time? Been with anyone else?”
After a deep breath and a small tremor that shook his slight frame, he whispered, “No. I’ve been too scared to trust anyone enough to even spend time with anyone.” After a long pause, Braden’s voice grew stronger, “Until you, Zavier.”
Cade tightened his hold in a reassuring squeeze. “Oh god, baby, I promise you, I’ll never make you regret it.”
Braden glanced away. “I want so badly to believe that. Actually what scares me most is that I do believe it. That’s the worst part. Isn’t that fucked up? I obviously can’t trust my instincts. They’ve always steered me wrong. Last time, they steered me to someone that beat and raped me. How can I ever trust myself again?”
Cade grasped Braden’s shoulders and pushed him back so that he could look in his eyes. “Braden, men like Eric are predators. They know how to act to draw people in, to make them feel secure and cared for, loved. Eventually, their true colors show, which is exactly what happened. It kills me that you blame yourself for being beaten, for being raped…”
Indignant, Braden recoiled. “I don’t!”
Squeezing Braden’s shoulders, Cade raised his voice in frustration. “You do, Braden! When you say you can’t trust yourself, you’re blaming yourself. You need to stop that negative self-talk. You’re making yourself out to be a victim, not a survivor. You can damned well trust your instincts Braden. Your instincts told you something wasn’t right, they told you he wouldn’t stop beating you, and that you had to get away from him. Your instincts told you to pack your shit and find another place to go, to video tape something that should never have happened. Your instincts got you out, Braden! Trust your damned instincts!”
Cade was so upset he was shaking and sometime during his tirade he’d cupped Braden’s cheeks and was brushing away his tears. He leaned in and kissed the tears away, kissed Braden softly on the lips, and again repeated his plea, his voice guttural with emotion. “Trust yourself, Braden. Don’t let him win.”