‘It was like this,’ says Vegetable Patty, taking a deep breath. ‘One day, when I was quite young, my parents took me to a country fair. We were admiring a display of giant, overgrown vegetables …
when, suddenly, a freak storm hit and a strong gust of wind blew all the enormous vegetables loose from their moorings. They rolled off the stage …
and squashed both my parents as flat as pancakes.’
‘I vowed then and there to get revenge by devoting my life to killing and eating as many vegetables as possible!’
‘But vegetables taste horrible,’ I say.
‘That’s true, they do,’ says Patty, ‘but the taste of revenge is sweet. They kind of cancel each other out.’
‘That’s why I need you and your readers to help me in my crusade against vegetables by eating as many as you can. The faster we eat them the sooner we’ll wipe them from the face of the earth forever!’
Terry turns to me and whispers, ‘I hate vegetables as much as anyone, but I don’t hate them that much.’
‘Me neither,’ I say.
Vegetable Patty’s phone rings. ‘What’s that?’ she says. ‘Your children are refusing to eat their vegetables? Don’t worry … I’ll be right there!’
She turns to Mr Big Nose and says, ‘I have to go. It’s an emergency.’
‘Any chance I could get a lift back to the office?’ says Mr Big Nose. ‘I’m a busy man, you know, and this whole vegetable kidnap situation has really put me behind schedule.’
‘Sure,’ says Vegetable Patty. ‘My vegetable-powered revenge-mobile is parked right outside. But there’s only room for one passenger.’
‘That’s okay,’ says Mr Big Nose, waving his arm dismissively at us. ‘They can find their own way home.’
‘Well,’ I say, ‘our work here appears to be done. Let’s go.’
‘Remember, it’s your turn to be the horse,’ says Terry.
‘Let’s not bother with the horse,’ I say. ‘Let’s take the tram instead.’
‘There’s a tram?!’ says Terry. ‘How come we didn’t take it to get here?’
‘Because you were a horse,’ I say. ‘And horses—as everyone knows—are not allowed on trams.’
The tram arrives and, even though it’s a bit crowded, we manage to find a seat.
‘All aboard,’ says the conductor.
And off we go.
CHAPTER 11
SURPRISE!
It’s quite a long trip home.
Finally, we arrive at Jill’s stop.
She gets off and we wave goodbye.
The next stop is ours.
We get off the tram and climb up to our treehouse.
It’s great to be home again, but there is a lot to do. There are sharks to feed …
watermelons to smash …
waves to surf …
chainsaws to juggle …
rocking horses to race …
and make-your-own pizzas don’t make themselves, you know.
‘So,’ says Terry, as we float around in our see-through swimming pool, ‘that all worked out pretty well!’
‘Yeah, except for one thing,’ I say.
‘What?’ says Terry.
‘Except that today is my birthday and you completely forgot about it!’
‘Today is your birthday?!’ says Terry. ‘You should have told me!’
‘I just did,’ I say, ‘but I shouldn’t have had to! You should have remembered. That’s what friends do!’
‘I’m sorry,’ says Terry. ‘But before I met you I’d never had a friend, and I’ve never had a birthday, so I didn’t know.’
‘You’ve never had a birthday?’ I say. ‘Why not?’
‘My parents thought they were too dangerous,’ says Terry.
‘So when is your birthday?’ I say.
‘I don’t know,’ says Terry. ‘We never celebrated it so I’m not sure when it is.’
I think for a moment.
There’s only one thing to do.
‘Terry?’ I say.
‘Yes?’
‘You can share my birthday.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, and because I never forget my own birthday, I’ll never forget yours either, so I’ll be able to remind you. We’ll celebrate together every year … starting today.’
‘Thanks, Andy,’ says Terry. ‘You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Just one question.’
‘What’s that?’
‘How old are we?’
‘It’s funny you should ask,’ I say, ‘because that’s what I was about to tell the readers at the start of the book.’
‘And what’s the answer?’
‘Well,’ I say, ‘we are—’
‘Andy!’ calls a voice from the forest. ‘Terry! Come quick!’
‘That’s Jill!’ I say.
‘And it sounds like she’s in trouble,’ says Terry.
‘I hope it’s not more vegetable trouble!’ I say. ‘Come on! Let’s go!’
We each grab a vine, swing to the bottom of the tree and rush into the forest.
‘Jill!’ I call. ‘Where are you?’
‘I’m over here!’ she says. ‘Hurry!’
‘Don’t worry, we’re coming!’ says Terry.
We run into a clearing.
‘SURPRISE!’ yells Jill.
CHAPTER 12
A CRAZY PLAN
‘Happy Birthday, Andy!’ says Jill.
‘Thanks, Jill,’ I say. ‘But can this be Terry’s party too because today is his birthday as well?’
‘I didn’t know it was your birthday, Terry,’ says Jill. ‘Andy’s been dropping hints for months, but you never said a word.’
‘That’s because my parents never told me when my birthday was,’ says Terry, ‘so I didn’t know. But Andy said I could share his.’
‘That’s so nice of you, Andy!’ says Jill. ‘Happy Birthday, Terry. I’ll just get Mr Hee-Haw to add your name to the birthday banner.’
‘Jill,’ I say, ‘this is amazing, but how did you organise it all so quickly? I mean, we only got back from the vegetable castle a couple of hours ago!’
‘The animals and I have been planning your surprise party for weeks,’ says Jill. ‘It was while we were getting everything ready that I pricked my finger on that cursed carrot. But, luckily, when I woke up, the animals did too and they finished getting the party ready while I was away. They really love a party … as you can see.’
‘Look!’ says Terry. ‘A butterfly. And it says HAPPY BIRTHDAY on its wings!’
‘That’s because it’s a birthday butterfly!’ says Jill.
‘Why is it wearing the caterpillar’s hat?’ says Terry.
‘Because it used to be the caterpillar,’ says Jill.
‘Huh?’ says Terry. ‘How could a caterpillar turn into a butterfly?’
‘Metamorphosis,’ says Jill.
‘What’s that?’ says Terry.
‘I’ll explain later,’ I say.
‘Birthdays are really fun!’ says Terry, his face covered in Edward Scooperhand’s birthday cake-flavoured ice-cream cake. ‘I think we should have one every day!’
‘But that’s not how birthdays work,’ I say. ‘You only get one per year because, otherwise, you would get too old too fast.’
‘Hey, I know,’ says Terry. ‘Why don’t we make a birthday level in our treehouse where it can be your birthday whenever you want but you don’t get any older?’
‘I think you might be on to something!’ I say.
‘Hmmm, that’s weird,’ says Terry. ‘It sounds like our 3D video phone, but it can’t be, because what would it be doing down here in the forest?’
‘Actually, it is your 3D video phone,’ says Jill. ‘I had Larry, Curly and Moe bring it down here in case Mr Big Nose rang to wish you Happy Birthday. That’s probably him now. You’d better answer it.’
‘Hello, Andy and Terry,’ says Mr Big Nose. ‘I guess you know why I’m calling.’
‘To wish us a Happ
y Birthday?’ I say.
‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ says Mr Big Nose. ‘I’m calling to tell you your book is due at five o’clock.’
‘Five o’clock tomorrow?’ says Terry.
‘No, five o’clock today!’ says Mr Big Nose.
‘But we’re not finished,’ I say. ‘We’ve been too busy rescuing you!’
‘That’s not my problem,’ says Mr Big Nose. ‘A contract is a contract! That book had better be here by five … OR ELSE!’
He hangs up.
I look at Terry.
Terry looks at me.
‘I think it’s time for presents,’ says Jill, handing us a parcel wrapped in gold paper with a big purple bow.
‘But how can we open presents at a time like this?’ I say. ‘If we don’t get our book written then … then … then I don’t know what will happen, but it will probably involve Mr Big Nose getting so mad that his nose explodes and us having to go back to work at the monkey house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ says Jill, ‘just trust me. Open your present. I think you’ll like it.’
We unwrap the parcel.
‘It’s a book!’ I say.
‘I love books!’ says Terry. ‘What is it called?’
‘The 52-Storey Treehouse!’
‘I love that book!’ says Terry.
‘No you don’t,’ I say, ‘I mean, you can’t … because we haven’t even written it yet!’
‘No,’ says Jill, ‘you haven’t … but I have—all the words and the pictures.’
‘But how?’ I say.
‘With the help of my animals, of course,’ says Jill. ‘You might not think it to look at them, but they’re really quite talented. And it was the least I could do after you and Terry went to so much trouble to rescue me from my enchanted sleep.’
‘Can we read it now?’ says Terry.
‘Of course!’ says Jill.
We read the book …
‘Well,’ says Jill, ‘what do you think?’
‘Action-packed!’ I say. ‘I love it! But how will we get it to Mr Big Nose in time?’
‘What about the birthday butterfly?’ says Terry.
‘No,’ says Jill, ‘the book would be too heavy for it to carry. Butterflies are beautiful, but they are not very strong.’
‘What about Silky and the other flying cats?’ I say. ‘Could they take it?’
‘I’m afraid not,’ says Jill, ‘they’re on holiday in the Catnary Islands. I got this postcard from them yesterday.’
‘I know,’ says Terry. ‘We can use the cannon!’
‘No you can’t,’ says Jill. ‘A robin built her nest in it and the baby birds have just hatched. They must not be disturbed.’
‘Then I guess we’re doomed,’ says Terry. ‘Unless …’
Jill and I lean forward.
‘Unless what?’ I say.
‘Unless we get my Ninja Snails to deliver it.’
‘But that will take forever!’ I say.
‘Not forever,’ says Terry. ‘Only about 100 years and 15 minutes by my calculations.’
‘Great,’ I say, ‘except that it will be 100 years too late for Mr Big Nose.’
‘No it won’t,’ says Terry. ‘Not if we stop time.’
‘Well, duh,’ I say, ‘but as if we could do that.’
‘I think we could,’ says Terry. ‘I’ve still got the carrot that Jill pricked her finger on. I collected it as evidence when we were trying to solve The Mystery of Why Jill has a Curse on Her.’
‘But how is a cursed carrot going to help us stop time?’ I say.
‘Like this!’ says Terry. ‘We use the rocket-powered carrot-launcher to fire the carrot into the heart of the Greenwich Observatory—which is where all the time in the world comes from. If you stop time there, you stop time everywhere, which will give the Ninja Snails all the time they need.’
‘But what about the snails?’ I say. ‘Won’t it put them to sleep too?’
‘No,’ says Terry, ‘because they’re Ninja Snails. The normal laws of time and space don’t apply to them.’
‘That’s crazy, Terry,’ I say.
‘Oh,’ he sighs in disappointment.
‘So crazy it might just work!’
‘Great!’ says Terry. ‘To the treehouse!’
Jill and I follow Terry to the treehouse and climb up to the Ninja Snail Training Academy. Terry explains the mission to the snails, gives them the book and fires a starting pistol.
He waves goodbye to the snails.
‘Good luck,’ he says. ‘Don’t forget to send me a telegram when you arrive.’
He turns to us. ‘Now let’s go launch that carrot.’
Terry loads the carrot into the carrot-launcher and points it in the direction of Greenwich Observatory.
‘Here goes,’ he says, pushing the launch button.
The carrot shoots into the sky and disappears into the clouds.
‘Well,’ says Terry, ‘the carrot is on its way. We’d better go to the room full of pillows and get comfortable. We’ve got a long sleep ahead of us.’
‘Do you really think Terry’s plan will work?’ says Jill as she snuggles into a pile of pillows.
‘I hope so,’ I say. ‘Are you feeling tired yet?’
Jill yawns. ‘Maybe a little bit,’ she says.
‘Yeah,’ I say, yawning. ‘Me too. What about you, Terry?’
He doesn’t answer.
‘Terry?’ I say. I look over. Terry is snoring.
‘He’s asleep,’ I say to Jill.
But Jill doesn’t hear me. She’s asleep, too.
Which just leaves me. I’m the only one who’s not aslee … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …
CHAPTER 13
THE LAST CHAPTER
THE BALLAD OF
THE NINJA SNAILS
It was a group of Ninja Snails,
All schooled in an ancient art,
That set out one day on an epic trip,
Prepared to play their part.
Their precious cargo—a silly book—
They had to deliver on time
To Mr Big Nose, the publisher,
Before five o’clock did’st chime.
O’er hill and dale the snails did slide
Though they grew pale and wan;
They were weak and tired and in need of rest,
Would they make it? Could they take it?
The conclusion was not foregone.
The odds were against them.
(Fate seemed to hate them!)
But still the snails slid on.
As the years did pass, the landscape changed
That the snails were sliming upon:
Seeds became trees and forests grew,
But still the snails slid on.
The ice did melt and the seas did rise;
The low-lying land was all gone.
The climate warmed—a new world formed,
But still the snails slid on.
They were desperate to arrive at the office by five,
The 52-Storey Treehouse Page 4