The Dumbass Demon

by Gary Jonas

  “That was a long, long time ago.”

  “I don’t suppose you have any M&Ms here?”

  “No.”

  I shook my head. “You should send the receptionist out to get some. And have her remove all the yellow ones. Those damn things are cowards.”

  He just stared at me.

  Gods. No sense of humor.

  Helen turned toward me. “Brett, maybe it would be best if you played the Quiet Game.”

  Lakesha flipped through more pages. “This isn’t a normal contract,” she said.

  “It’s the best she’s going to get.”

  “If I’m reading this correctly, you want her to sing with you.”

  “That’s right.”

  “And to do that, she’s required to join with you in bonds of matrimony?”

  “If I’m going to share a stage with her, she needs to be elevated to godhood.”

  “And she’s to call people to you?”

  He nodded.

  “Because you want people to worship you again?”

  “It will unite the world in a singular purpose. You can see that as an opportunity to bring about world peace through music.”

  “So she has to marry you and call people to worship, but what’s this other clause?” She flipped through more pages. “I’m not reading this correctly.”

  “I suspect you are,” Apollo said.

  “There’s a lot of fine print here about responsibilities and a time table for production and release. I don’t see anything about payment.”

  “Survival is her payment. I shall provide for her, and people will worship at her feet. All the world will be our stage. We will bask in the adoration of billions.”

  “But this other clause. I don’t understand.”

  “It’s spelled out in clear language, witch.”

  “If I’m reading this correctly, it says you will own her.”

  “Exactly.”

  “That’s slavery.”

  “So?”

  Lakesha shook her head. “You can’t own people these days, Apollo.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s wrong. And what’s this? You want her to feed anyone who doesn’t worship you to the sharks?”

  “The Mako Clansmen?” I asked.

  “They do get hungry.”

  Lakesha shook her head and flipped more pages. “Your plan is to release a single for radio airplay and then do a world tour in support of it?”

  “So the people can worship me. They worship people like Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Beyoncé, and Taylor Swift. So too shall they worship Apollo, the god of music. They will worship or they will die.”

  “What if the song sucks?” I asked.

  “The song will be the biggest hit of all time. I’ll have the benefit of a siren calling, the muses as backup singers, and I shall play my lyre.”

  “You think the people of today want harp music?”

  “Lyre music.”

  “Dude, have you even listened to today’s music?”

  “Yes.” He waved his hand dismissively. “It’s all noise.”

  “If you want to make a hit, you have to appeal to the youth of today, not those of thousands of years ago. You start playing a lyre, it won’t get any airplay on the radio.”

  “I will have airplay,” Apollo said. “They won’t be able to refuse. That’s covered.”

  “Right,” I said. “While Lakesha finishes reading the contract, which already sounds like a no-go, what say you go get your lyre and play something for us. Show us how that’s going to work for people in the twenty-first century.”

  I expected him to simply refuse. After all, I was just a mortal, and he was a god. He had nothing to prove to me. But I guess if you go thousands of years without worship, maybe you start to feel that maybe you do have something to prove.

  “Wait here,” he said, and left the room. When he opened the door, Kevin tried to slip inside, but Apollo kicked him out of the way.

  Helen stared at me for a moment. “You might be careful what you say when he comes back. You just challenged him, and he’s ready to kill people who don’t bow down before him.”

  “We may have other problems,” Lakesha said.

  “Like what?” I asked.

  Lakesha held up the contract. “Helen, is this your signature?”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “That dirty, rotten, slimy, skuzzy, nasty, gross, awful…” Helen trailed off.

  I shrugged. “I think the word you’re searching for is asshole.”

  “Let me see the paper.”

  Lakesha held it up and sure enough, there was a dark brown signature at the bottom beside an X, and based on Helen’s reaction, it was legit.

  “He transferred my signature from something else,” she said.

  Lakesha flipped the page over. “This is a color copy.”

  “The original is signed in blood,” Helen said. “But it wasn’t for this contract.”

  “Your word against his on that,” I said. “And he has physical evidence. And as I suspect that’s signed in your blood, the original would have DNA proof of that.”

  “And?”

  “Welcome to show biz?”

  “Some agent you turned out to be.”

  “Contract, signed in blood. What was the original for?”

  “I wasn’t born a siren.”

  Lakesha nodded. “Magic powers granted through blood. Makes sense to me.”

  I looked at the door. “Did Apollo leave his lyre in Greece?”

  “You’re right,” Lakesha said. “He should have been back by now.”

  “He wouldn’t just leave us here, would he?”

  Helen frowned and looked over at the window to the studio. “Oh, Apollo,” she said, shaking her head.

  I followed her gaze. The blonde wasn’t standing there now. I stood and walked over to the window. “You’ve gotta be shitting me,” I said.

  “What?” Lakesha asked.

  I reached down and punched a button on the wall panel to pipe the studio sound into the room.

  Grunts and moans.

  I glanced over at Lakesha. “I think Apollo works out. And it looks like he’s got the backseat rhythm.”

  Inside the studio, Apollo’s pants were down around his ankles, and he had the blonde bent over a speaker. He was flat going to town, puppy dog style.

  I knocked on the window.

  He ignored me and kept pumping away.

  I knocked harder.

  No good.

  I glanced at the wall panel, and grinned. I pushed a button. “A little to the left, old man.”

  Apollo didn’t even look at me. He simply took one hand from the blonde’s hip and held it up with his middle finger extended.

  I pushed the button again. “Sorry, man, you’re not my type.”

  He pulled out and turned toward me. I won’t bother repeating what he said as he pointed to his little erection. Let’s just say it wasn’t going to happen. If not for his request, I might have felt sorry for him since even erect, he was tiny.

  Of course, his words were piped into the room, so Helen and Lakesha both heard him. Helen closed her eyes and scrunched her face. As for Lakesha, her skin grew even darker and her eyes grew wide. She fanned herself with the contract.

  “Oh, honey,” she said.

  I turned back to the window and jumped because Apollo stood right in front of it, looking in at us. I was glad the window cut off at chest level because from the way his arms moved, I knew what he was doing.

  I couldn’t bring myself to watch. I couldn’t believe he was going to do that. I wanted to get the hell out of the room.

  “This one’s for you,” Apollo said.

  I raced out the door without looking.

  Kevin darted into the room. “Nice,” he said with deep appreciation.

  Lakesha and Helen exited. Helen kept her head bowed and I couldn’t get a read on her. Lakesha stared at me. She frowned. “And I thought you were dis
gusting.”

  Apollo stepped out of the studio. I was glad he’d pulled up his pants.

  “Hey, fake agent, I hope you’re a better guitarist than a negotiator. Be here tonight at seven for an audition.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “I just did,” he said with a grin. He knocked on the door opposite the meeting room.

  A thin older man wearing glasses and a silver goatee peeked out from the control room. “Yes, sir?”

  “Thomas, I’ll need you here tonight. We have an audition.”

  “Very good, sir.”

  Kevin trotted into the hallway. “You, sir, impress me,” he said and shot Apollo a thumbs-up.

  Apollo took a bow. “Have your fearful loser here at seven.”

  “I heard you,” Kevin said. “He’ll be here or I’ll zap his nuts with lightning bolts.”

  “He’ll be here or he won’t have nuts for you to zap.” The grin he supplied as he spoke made me glad I wore a cup. The discomfort was worth it.

  I was still too grossed out to say much, so I turned and moved toward the exit. When we reached the receptionist’s desk, I pointed down the hall. “You have a wet cleanup in studio two.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “Do me a favor,” Helen said outside the studio. “Don’t ever disrespect a god again.”

  “Are you kidding me? That guy’s disgusting.”

  “He’s a god.”

  “Real gods don’t jack off on studio windows.”

  “They do if they’re making a point.”

  “I’ve seen better,” Kevin said with a grin.

  Lakesha sat on the bench. “Stop,” she said. “You’re both right.”

  “What do you mean?” Helen and I asked at the same time.

  Lakesha pointed at me. “You were an asshole.”

  “It’s my greatest strength,” I said. “Well, second greatest. Napping is still number one.”

  “Challenging the god of music to play for your approval is not a strength,” Helen said. “It’s sheer stupidity.”

  “I have to agree,” Lakesha said. “Up until then, we had a chance, but you, Brett, just had to be an asshole.”

  “People don’t like harps these days.”

  “He doesn’t play a harp,” Helen said. “It’s a lyre.”

  “Same thing.”

  “No, it’s really not.”

  “It’s still stupid.”

  “You’re stupid.”

  “You’re stupider.”

  “Children!” Lakesha yelled. “You’re both stupid.”

  “What did I do?” Helen asked.

  “You brought mortals in to negotiate with a god.”

  Helen blinked. “Oh.”

  “I felt the paper shift in my hands.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “The contract wasn’t signed when we got there. When you challenged Apollo to play his lyre, he willed her signature onto the page of the original contract and it phased into existence on the copy I held, too. I felt the magic.”

  “So did that blonde,” I said.

  Everyone looked at me.

  “Too soon?”

  Kevin laughed.

  Lakesha and Helen just glared.

  “What now?” I asked.

  “Now,” Kevin said, “you’d better find your magic pick because you have to audition for Apollo at seven.”

  “What?” Helen asked.

  “You’d already moved down the hall,” I said. “Apollo told me to be back here at seven.”

  “To audition?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You need that pick to play well, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Leave it at home.”

  “Why?”

  “Because this is an audition you don’t want to pass.”

  “Why?”

  “How many times do I have to tell you? Read my lips, Brett. It’s not wise to challenge a god!”

  “You don’t have to shout.”

  “Leave the pick at home. Be here on time, play something simple that doesn’t sound very good. Take whatever abuse he dumps on you. He’s going to belittle you. He might insist on a sex act to gain his forgiveness. In fact, based on what he said and did in there, that’s probably a given.”

  I shook my head. “No dick shall pass these lips.”

  “You might want to think twice about that. You insulted a god. He won’t kill you, Brett. He will destroy your life. You do whatever you have to do to get back to zero.”

  “I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

  “You’re on his bad side,” Lakesha said.

  “I get that.”

  “That’s not good.”

  “I get that too.”

  “You think you have something to prove,” Helen said. “That you have to show him up somehow. Leave that pick at home.”

  “Lakesha makes more sense,” I said. “Six words or less.”

  “Fuck your six words or less.”

  “That was six words. I understood that.”

  “Squeaky wheel gets the oil,” Lakesha said.

  I gave her a confused look. “You’re saying I’m the squeaky wheel?”

  “And the oil is Apollo’s derision.”

  “She means jizz,” Kevin said. “Apollo might shoot his wad in your face until you shut the fuck up.”

  “Way more than six words,” I said. “And way over the line into Inappropriate City.”

  “That’s where I live,” Kevin said. “But you know I’m right.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “It’s not a pretty picture you’re painting.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Kevin said. “I want to watch. I like seeing bad shit happen to you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t like you.”

  “Apollo doesn’t like you either,” Helen said. “Neither do I, come to think of it.”

  I turned to Lakesha.

  “Don’t look at me,” she said. “I get paid to deal with your shit.”

  I stared at them each in turn. I knew Kevin didn’t like me. He’d pissed on me, and was assigned to mess with me. I thought Lakesha liked me, but she was right. My father paid her to put up with me. And her cat probably had the final say. Isis hated me.

  I faced Helen. “You seemed to like me at the diner,” I said.

  “When you meet someone, the person stands at a zero. You don’t like or dislike them. I can see you want to tell me six words or less right now.”

  “I thought about it,” I admitted.

  “Not charming.”

  “Go on.”

  “Different things will make you like someone more or less. If the person is attractive, that will affect how you feel.”

  “I do have nice hair,” I said.

  “Interrupting is not charming.”

  “Sorry. Go on.”

  “I feel like I’m wasting my breath. You don’t listen to people. You just look for the place to stick your next smart-ass comment. Maybe it’s to get attention. Maybe your father was a jerk. But at some point, you have to grow up. You can’t be Peter Pan forever. You’re what, thirty?”

  I nodded.

  “While that’s nothing compared to me, it’s a long time for a mortal. You’re a spoiled brat who thinks only of yourself, and you think you’re funny quipping about how lyres are harps or how much cooler you think you are than everyone else. Those sorts of things get really old really fast. Someone must have laughed at one of your jokes, so you took that as approval. It was probably shock at the fact that you’d say something so stupid.”

  “Go on,” I said.

  “You’re not even listening to what I’m saying.”

  “Go on,” I said.

  She gave me disgusted sigh, turned and walked away.

  “Was it something I said?”

  Lakesha shook her head, got up, and followed Helen off the lot.

  “Good work,” Kevin said.

  “What do they know? I have friends. Chuck, Teddy,
and Michael like me. Sabrina doesn’t, but she’s family, so that doesn’t count.”

  “How did you meet them?” Kevin asked.

  “Band auditions.”

  “So you don’t really know anyone else in Galveston?”

  “I know a few people. Hey, I haven’t been here long.”

  “Where were you before this?”

  “New Orleans.”

  “You have friends there?”

  “Of course.”

  “Name three.”

  “Well, there’s…”

  Kevin tapped his foot.

  He tapped his foot some more.

  He kept tapping.

  “Okay, I left New Orleans partly because I didn’t have any friends there. I was in a band, but we had creative differences.”

  “Band talk for they hated you.”

  “Fuck you, Kevin.”

  “If I thought that would get me back to my dimension, I’d drop my undies, bend over, and let you do the nasty right here and now.”

  “My bandmates don’t hate me. And a kid named Demetrius likes me.”

  “Who’s Demetrius?”

  “A little boy who’s been dead since before I was born.”

  “Zombie?”

  “Ghost.”

  “This ghost have lots of ghost friends?”

  “Of course not.”

  “So having you is better than being alone all the time, especially when you don’t come by to visit.”

  “I bring him comic books from time to time.”

  Kevin grinned. “So you’re buying his friendship. Got it.”

  “Michael was the closest thing I had to a real friend,” I said.

  “Was?”

  I sat on the bench Lakesha had vacated. “He’s with Sabrina now.”

  “So you and Michael were lovers?”

  “No, dumbass. We were friends. We hung out.”

  “So there was nothing in it for him other than the pleasure of your dubious company?”

  I thought about that. “Well, he’s a vampire, and he thought my dad could cure him. Holy shit, he wasn’t a real friend either, was he? When I was in need after my father cut me off, Chuck wouldn’t take me in, Teddy wouldn’t take me in, and it’s just now dawning on me that I really don’t have any friends. Holy shit.”

  “I’ve known you for only a few days, but you’re a real asshole. And coming from me, that’s saying something because I pride myself on being an asshole. You take it to all new levels with ease, while I have to work at it. And I know you’re ignoring everything I’m saying because you think everything is about you, and if I offered to have a hot chick do unspeakable things with you right now, you wouldn’t even know it because you’re lost in your own head feeling sorry for yourself because the poor little baby doesn’t have any friends.” He went into baby talk at the end of that to add to the insult.