The Dumbass Demon

by Gary Jonas

  Helen would survive.

  Kevin would survive.

  The rest of us were toast.

  Apollo and Helen might be out of commission for a while. Even an immortal is going to pay the price for blowing up in a plane crash.

  Thomas tried to warn me. He said not to get on the plane.

  I should have listened.

  Alarms kept going off in the cockpit.

  Helen kept singing.

  I’ll give her this much. The song was beautiful. I could see why the pilot was so mesmerized by it. She sang right at him, so it didn’t affect me. Apollo was on her shit list, so she directed some of the notes at him.

  She glared at me when I tried to get into the cockpit.

  “Don’t you dare!” she sang.

  “I don’t want to die,” I said.

  “That’s too bad,” she sang. “I’m not spending any more time with Apollo no matter what.” And a few notes slammed into me that pushed me backward. I’d made it onto her shit list. An urge to claw out my eyes came over me, but that would be a lot of pain and a lot of work. It would also be messy.

  Fortunately, those notes were just a warning.

  I blinked.

  “We can find another way,” I said.

  The ground loomed ever closer.

  Apollo fought the notes aimed at him, which was good because if she had to throw notes to the pilot and to Apollo, it was harder for her to throw notes at me.

  But what could I do?

  I really didn’t want to die.

  “Pull up!” I shouted to the pilot.

  He ignored me.

  I moved toward the cockpit again, and Helen sang a few notes at me that made me step back almost without realizing it.

  Kevin worked his way up to us. “Nice knowing you, Brett,” he said, clapping me on the back. “Once you die, I’m back home banging my demoness.”

  “I don’t want to die.”

  “Too bad, so sad. Apollo probably doesn’t want a golden shower, but he’s going to get one right now.” Kevin laughed with glee as he pulled out his dick and pissed all over Apollo.

  Some of the piss got on Helen.

  She didn’t like that and threw a few notes at Kevin.

  “Thanks,” he said. “You want more?” And he aimed his yellow stream at her.

  I caught some of the splash back.

  Great, I was going to die in a plane crash while a demon pissed on me.

  “Minimums! Minimums!” an aural alert said.

  More alarms went off. “Pull up!” the mechanical voice said. “Pull up!”

  Too bad my father wasn’t here. He’d just magic the shit out of things and pull the plane up to altitude and safety.

  Trees came into focus, roads shooting off and curving through neighborhoods. Houses and buildings.

  “I want to live!” I shouted.

  I reached out with my mind to grab that goddamn yoke to pull it back and raise the nose of the plane. I’d never wanted anything more in my life.

  “Pull up!” the ground proximity warning said between alarms. “Pull up!”

  Nothing happened.

  Right, dumbass. Magic needs blood.

  I bit my lip hard enough to bleed. Once I tasted the blood, I focused again to grab that yoke and pull back. This time the yoke moved.

  The pilot fought me for a moment, but I redoubled my efforts.

  The nose of the plane lifted and I focused to aim the aircraft back into the sky. Magic flowed through me and it felt oddly natural. The energy did what I wanted it to do. I really wanted it to work and my focus intensified.

  “Nice!” Kevin said.

  Helen sang through it all, and once the plane swooped back toward the sky, she aimed her siren song at me.

  I decided to crash the plane after all.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Then I shook myself out of it.

  “Stop her song!” I shouted.

  Kevin shrugged. “I’m empty or I’d piss in her mouth.”

  I fought her song, putting my hands to my ears. I kept willing the plane higher and higher.

  The jet climbed.

  Helen aimed her song exclusively at me. She sang in Greek, but the intent was there and the words shifted to English in my head. Push the yoke forward. Drive us into the ground. It’s time to die.

  I pushed her song aside, and started singing the Air Force song about flying into the wild blue yonder. I didn’t know enough of the words, so I shifted to “Flying High Again” by Ozzy, then to “Fly by Night” by Rush.

  By singing, I kept her song at bay. I decided it was time to shift to Muddy Waters, and sang “Got My Mojo Working.”

  I knew the song said it didn’t work on the woman, but I didn’t have to worry about that because now that Helen was focused on me, she wasn’t focused on Apollo.

  As soon as I thought that, she shot a few notes at him and knocked him backward. Then she sang at me again, and I felt the desire to crash the plane creep back into my skull.

  “Stop her, Kevin!”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know, but do something. I can’t hold her off much longer.”

  I felt my magic shift and push the yoke forward into a dive. Alarms went off again.

  “Hurry!” I shouted, and I remembered her weakness. “Tickle her!”

  “Do what?”

  “You heard me. Tickle her!”

  Kevin grinned. He jumped over Apollo to get to her. He started tickling her ribs.

  She sang, but stuttered as she started to laugh. “Stop that!” she said.

  “Make me,” Kevin said, and kept tickling her.

  She lost her focus and laughed uncontrollably.

  I righted the plane.

  Apollo snapped out of his spell. He clenched a fist.

  “No!” I yelled, and kicked his hand before he could throw a punch. “She’s not a danger now. Kevin’s got this.”

  “You’re the one who’ll die if she takes the plane down,” Apollo said.

  “Kevin,” I said. “She needs to be gagged so she can’t sing.”

  “I can gag her with my dick,” Kevin said. “Apollo can’t because she won’t even notice it’s there.”

  “You’re disgusting,” I said. I peeled off my shirt and stuffed it into Helen’s mouth.

  “We might want to tie her up so she doesn’t pull the shirt out,” Kevin said.

  “I think we should feed her to the Mako Clansmen,” Apollo said.

  “Nobody asked you,” I said. “She doesn’t want to be your slave.”

  “I don’t care. The world will worship me, dammit!”

  “Heinlein was right,” I said.

  “Who?”

  “Robert A. Heinlein, the science fiction writer. He said gods tend to have the manners and morals of spoiled children. I’m sick of your shit, Apollo.”

  “Not as sick as I am of yours,” he said.

  I grinned and licked some blood off my lower lip. “You don’t like being challenged because you’re a pussy at heart.”

  He rose up and flexed. He had impressive muscles. I’ll give him that.

  But I now understood the way to focus my desire into my magic. It wasn’t just wanting something to happen. It was needing it to happen. And I finally realized that a want can be a need if you focus your magic with will power. I knew I needed to work on control, but I had this.

  I stepped to the side.

  Apollo circle-stepped to the side to match me.

  I grinned.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I don’t want to go on tour with you.”

  “I don’t want you around anyway,” Apollo said. “As such, it’s time for you to die.”

  “No. It’s time for me to channel my inner Malcolm Reynolds.”

  “Who?”

  I focused my energy and threw my hands forward. I didn’t know if that was necessary, but I thought it would look cool. My blast slammed Apollo in the chest and he smiled, clearly thinking that was
my only goal.

  But my more important focus was on the door directly behind him.

  It swung open and wind howled. My energy blast shoved Apollo backward. He staggered and tried to catch himself on the doorframe, but I whisked him away from the doorway, and channeled him right into the jet engine.

  The engine ripped him apart.

  It sputtered, but I motioned toward it and it revved back to its normal whine. I focused on the door and pulled it closed.

  I went to the cockpit, and put a hand on the pilot’s shoulder. “Have you got this now?”

  He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “Yeah, I got it. Thanks.”

  Helen said, “Mmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmm.”

  Kevin held her arms behind her.

  My magic faded and I wanted to sit down and take a nice long nap, but I forced myself to remain standing. I had to pretend I could do this all day. I took a deep breath, and started to walk over to her, but out of my peripheral vision, I saw the Mako Clansmen creeping toward me.

  I took a sudden step toward them and held my hands out like Bruce Lee. “You guys want some of this?” I asked.

  “No, sir,” they said in unison. “We, uh, well, we just wanted to let you know the stewardess—”

  “Flight attendant,” I said.

  “Yeah, that too. She’s waking up.”

  “Get her some water to drink.”

  “Yes, sir. Anything you say, sir.”

  I could get used to this.

  “Mmmm mmmmmm,” Helen said.

  I turned and walked over to her. “If I take out the gag will you start singing again?”

  She shook her head.

  I pulled out the gag.

  She worked her mouth around a bit. “You know Apollo isn’t dead, right?”

  “He’ll reconstitute, right? Benefits of being a god?”

  “That’s right.”

  I nodded. “He made it sound like he could do it in an instant, but his definition of an instant probably isn’t the same as mine. How long will it really take?”

  She grinned. “Hundred years or so.”

  “I’ll be long dead by then.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Hide better. You have time.”

  Helen looked confused. “I tried to kill you,” she said.

  “She sure did,” Kevin said, still holding her in place.

  “You failed.”

  “Aren’t you going to do anything to me?” she asked.

  “What, like a punishment?”

  She nodded.

  “Kevin pissed on you. That’s punishment enough.”

  “So is your pet demon going to let me go?”

  I grinned. “You have to promise not to use your siren song to kill anyone.”

  “What if they’re trying to kill me?”

  “Okay, I guess that would be an exception.”

  “What if they’re trying to kill someone else? Someone innocent?”

  “Yeah, I guess that would be another exception. How about this? Don’t kill anyone with your siren song unless it’s absolutely necessary because the bad guys are trying to hurt you or an innocent person or persons or whatever.”

  “No one is really innocent.”

  “You know what I mean. It’s not like I’m going to follow you around.”

  “Then I believe we’ve reached an accord.”

  “Okay, Kevin, let her go.”

  “Finally,” he said. “She’s really strong, and my leg was going to sleep.”

  Helen stood and held out her hand. After a moment, I shook it.

  “I think I’m going to freshen up a bit,” she said, pointing to the restroom.

  “Be my guest,” I said.

  She moved off to the restroom and I stumbled over to my seat. I dropped onto the cushion and closed my eyes, ready to nap.

  Kevin poked me in the side. “Hey,” he said. “Am I bugging you?” He poked me again. “Am I bugging you?”

  “Cut it out, dumbass.”

  “Look at me.”

  “If I open my eyes and you have your pecker out…”

  “Piss tank’s empty. Just look at me.”

  I opened my eyes. “What?”

  “What about me?” he asked.

  “What about you?”

  “You’re the only one who can send me home. Unless you want me to stick around.”

  “Oh, hell no.”

  “I could sure use a roll in the sack with my favorite demoness about now.”

  “You’re going to have to wait a bit.”

  “So you do want me to stick around.”

  “No. I need to rest so I can call up my magic again. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.”

  “Want me to tell those shark guys about that?”

  “If they eat me, you’ll never see your demoness again.”

  “Not true. You die, I go home.”

  “Think about that for a moment,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Do you really think my father would give you a fail-safe option like that?”

  Kevin blinked. “Uhhhh.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “I’ll keep the shark guys busy.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “Now, it’s nap time.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Sometime later, Kevin woke me up. “How rested are you?” he asked.

  “Huh?” I said. “I don’t know. Where are we?”

  “New York.”

  “Already?”

  Kevin nodded. “Helen deplaned a few minutes ago. She wants to talk to you by the limousines.”

  I wiped sleep from my eyes. “I think I could sleep for another twelve hours.”

  “Sounds like you’re back to normal then.”

  I stretched.

  The Mako Clansmen helped the flight attendant down the aisle. One of them stopped next to me and pointed at her. “Hey, boss, she’s doing much better now.”

  “Good deal.”

  “Just want you to know we’re holding up our end of the bargain.”

  “Good to know,” I said and gave him a thumbs-up.

  Kevin grinned. “They think you’re going to kill them if they disobey you.”

  I nodded. “Cool.”

  “And I want you to know that if you don’t send me home now, I’m going to fart in your face.”

  “Dude!”

  “I’m serious,” Kevin said. He hopped up on the seat, turned around and aimed his ass at me.

  I scraped my teeth over my cut lip. “Get off me, dumbass,” I said and shoved him. With my new-found focus, I was able to make contact. Kevin fell off me, and face-planted on the floor.

  I could grow to like this magic stuff.

  He picked himself up, brushed himself off, and frowned at me. “Real mature.”

  “And farting in my face is mature?”

  He cocked a thumb at himself. “Nuisance demon.”

  “You know what? I don’t think I could have fought off Helen without your help.”

  “You couldn’t have,” he agreed. “But don’t for one second think that means I want to keep hanging out with your lazy ass.”

  “Yeah, I know. You have a demoness to bed.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud, but I think I’m going to miss you.”

  “That’s a one-way street, Brett. I’ll never think about you again. Stop with the chick flick shit and send me home so I can bang that demoness.”

  “She’s probably shacked up with a different demon by now.”

  “So she can bang both of us.”

  “All right,” I said. I summoned my magic. “Thanks for your help, Kevin, and I hope I never see you again.”

  “Right back at you, dipshit.”

  “Focus on the bed of your demoness,” I said.

  “Oh, I’m already there,” he said. And a few seconds later, he was.

  Well, I think he was. I didn’t go there to verify it. I just cast him into the
place he wanted to go. Once I understood how to do it, the magic was surprisingly easy.

  Helen was waiting, but I wanted to grab my guitar first. I looked around. It wasn’t in the overhead compartment, so it had to be at the back of the plane because it wasn’t shoved in with the luggage. I walked back there and saw the tank that had held the shark dudes.

  Michael floated in the glass tank submerged in water. He pounded on the panes and pointed to the top.

  Shit. I’d forgotten he was there or I’d have rescued him before I took that nap. Good thing vampires don’t have to breathe. I unlocked the tank and opened it.

  He rose out of the water.

  “Thanks, man,” he said.

  “You’re all healed,” I said.

  “Broken bones are nothing to me.”

  He climbed out of the tank and shook his hands, then his head. His hair flipped back and forth. I held up a hand to block the water from getting in my eyes.

  “Dude!” I said.

  He wrung out the front of his shirt. “I smell like salt water.”

  “Are you all pruney?”

  He held out his hands. They weren’t pruned. I guess being undead had its privileges.

  “So what’s the situation?” he asked. “Did you smooth things over with Apollo?”

  “He’s out of the picture. I’ll fill you in later. Go ahead and change clothes. I’ll meet you out by the limos.”

  “We’re in New York?”

  “Yep. Oh, and bring my guitar. It’s around here somewhere.”

  “You got it.”

  I deplaned into a cloudy day in New York. A glance to the sky told me it was going to rain soon. I hoped Michael came out before then or he’d get all wet again.

  Helen leaned against one of the limos off to the right. I crossed the tarmac to join her. “Is this goodbye?” I asked.

  “Depends on how you look at it.”

  “I look at it like this,” I said and made a goofy face like Benny Hill.

  She smiled, but didn’t laugh. “Too many immature boys around me of late,” she said. “It gets tiresome.”

  “Sorry.”

  She nodded. “Thanks for not destroying me for a hundred years.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “You’re more welcome,” she said.

  “How so?”

  She opened the limo door, grabbed an iPad off the seat and turned it on. She handed it to me.

  The Billboard website was open to the Billboard Hot 100. I expected to see Apollo’s song at the number one spot, but it wasn’t even on the chart. Sitting at number one was “Napping My Life Away” by Bret Michaels.