His face went blank. “This is a joke, right?”
“If you’re a coyote, it’s a joke. If you’re a dog, it’s curtains.”
“Gosh, you mean…you think they’d actually…”
“I don’t think. I know. We’re in deep trouble.”
He collapsed on the floor and began kicking all four legs. “Oh, I feel so dumb! I believed all their lies and now they’re going to eat me! I want to go home!”
“Yeah, me and you both.” I sat there for what seemed hours, listening to him moan and sniffle. “That’s enough. Stop blubbering. Pull yourself together.”
“I can’t stand it!”
“You have no choice. Stop crying. Look, if it will make you feel any better, I got suckered too.” I told him all the details about my so-called rescue plan, which had become the Flop of the Century.
He stopped crying and stared at me with a goofy expression. “You thought they’d actually let me go back home to take an allergy pill?”
“Well…yes, and they seemed to have bought into it.”
“I can’t believe you believed they believed it. That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.”
“No, it’s the second-dumbest thing you ever heard. The first-dumbest was that you thought a bunch of bloodthirsty cannibals had made you their Official Mascot. That is dumb-without-a-name.”
He started sniffling again. “They seemed so sincere.”
“They were sincerely lying. You got rolled, son.” I heaved a sigh. “But so did I. The cruel fact is that neither one of us has anything to be proud of. Drover, this has turned out to be one of the darkest days our Security Division has ever experienced.”
Speaking of dark days, I noticed that the world outside, beyond Snort’s looming presence in the door, was showing the long shadows of evening. Down below, coyotes of all ages were yipping and howling, muttering, grunting, growling, grumbling, rumbling, and making all manner of grotesque noises.
They were getting themselves worked up for the evening’s main event: us.
Gulp. We were running out of time. I had to do something, fast. “Hey, Snort, could we talk?” Silence. “Did you hear the one about the coyote and the parrot? Coyote walks into a cafe, see, and he’s got a parrot on his shoulder. You’ll love this. The waitress says, ‘That’s the ugliest bird I’ve ever seen. Where’d you find him?’ And the parrot says…this will rip your stitches, Snort…the parrot says, ‘He’s not a bird. He’s a coyote!’ Ha ha! Did you get it? See, the bird was…”
“Hunk shut trap.”
“Okay, let’s skip the jokes and move to a more serious topic. Snort, we’ve talked about this before, but we need to talk about it again: the Brotherhood of All Animals. Search your heart and try to imagine…”
Snort whirled around, stomped over to me. “Hunk shut trap and listen to great new coyote song.”
A new coyote song? Oh yeah, this must have been the one he mentioned earlier.
It was then that I began hearing the drumming and screeching outside. I had no choice but to listen. You want to hear it? It’s pretty creepy.
A Creepy Coyote Song
Windmill turn in a restless wind.
Coyote pup in a canyon den.
Want his fresh meat medium rare.
Coyote call in the wind ain’t there.
In the wind say the moon to the stars to the sky.
In the wind moan, bleach bone, don’t know how.
In the wind, say the moon to the stars to the sky.
Coyote call in the wind not now.
Coyote stand in the pouring rain.
Coyote laugh till he look insane.
Not give a hoot, not give a care.
Coyote call in the wind ain’t there.
In the wind say the moon to the stars to the sky.
In the wind moan, bleach bone, don’t know how.
In the wind, say the moon to the stars to the sky.
Coyote call in the wind not now.
Coyote guy got a belly pain bad.
Here rabbit, there rabbit, hopping down the trail.
Gotta eat, gotta try, got a lot of loose hair,
Coyote call in the wind ain’t there.
In the wind say the moon to the stars to the sky.
In the wind moan, bleach bone, don’t know how.
In the wind, say the moon to the stars to the sky.
Coyote call in the wind not now.
Gotta eat!
Gotta try!
Gotta a lot of loose hair,
Coyote call in the wind ain’t there!
What did I tell you? Was that a creepy song or what? Just imagine the effect it had on me and little Drover, locked inside a coyote dungeon. We didn’t understand all the words, but we had a feeling that, somehow, the song was about…US.
Gag. I had goose bumps on top of goose bumps, and Drover…oh brother. He had moved past hysterics into a new realm of weird behavior. He was crawling around in circles, one moment giggling like a lunatic and the next minute moaning like a sick calf. Oh, and did I mention the sneezing? All at once he was sneezing, and yelping, “By allergies are killig be, help, burder, oh by lek!”
It was an incredible display of…who knows what? But it didn’t do us any good. Snort stood like a dark mountain in the doorway. Our time was slipping away and we had lost all hope of ever getting out of this alive.
Should we go on with the story or just shut everything down? We’ve faced this decision before, you and I, and we’ve always managed to struggle through. But this…
Just think about it. Snort was blocking the exit. There was no back door to the cave (I’d already checked that out), and even if we’d managed to get past Snort, we would have run right into the mob of frenzied cannibals who were getting themselves tuned up for the evening’s festivities.
It appeared that our geese were cooked.
Chapter Twelve: The Ultimate Hoax
What’s the deal? I thought we agreed to call it quits, but you’re still reading. Maybe you were so worried about Slim and Drover that you couldn’t sleep.
But wait! At that very moment, just when it was darkest before it got any darker, something very strange began to happen.
I heard a sound coming from outside the cave. It was faint at first, but it grew louder. I lifted my ears to MGM (Max Gathering Mode) and began pulling in the sound waves.
Snort heard it too. He cocked his head to the side and raised a pointed ear. Down below, outside the cave, the yelling stopped and an eerie silence crept like a shadow across the canyon.
In that deep, eerie silence, we heard a series of blood-chilling moans and cries, then a high-pitched voice that cried out:
“I am the Ghost of Rabbits Past,
Eaten by you like corned beef hash.
I see your grins and hear your drums.
I’ll haunt you now till doomsday comes!!!”
Wow. I thought I’d experienced goose bumps before, but fellers, this produced Goose Bumps Squared, and we’re talking about cold chills piled on top of goose bumps on top of cold chills.
Every hair on the back of my neck stood straight up, from the end of my nose to the tip of my tail. Fingers of electricity skittered down my backbone, and for several moments, I forgot to breathe.
I had no idea what was going on out there in the canyon, but it was scaring the liver right out of me. What about Drover? Well, he fainted, and we’re talking about spread across the dungeon floor like a gallon of spilled milk.
And Snort? He was shook up, fellers, trembling down to the soles of his feet, and his eyes had grown as wide as a couple of lemon meringue pies. He turned around to me, “Hunk make spooky sound?”
“No, it wasn’t me. I don’t know who or where it came from, but…Snort, have you eaten any rabbits lately?” He was too sc
ared to speak, but nodded his head up and down. “How many?”
He raised his right foot, studied it for a moment, and held up three toes. “Umpty-seven.”
“If I were you, I’d be sweating bullets. The Ghost of Rabbits Past is out there looking for you.”
He swallowed a lump in his throat. “Snort not believe in goats.”
“Well, I guess everything is going to turn out fine.”
At that very moment, the ghost let out a horrible screech of cackling laughter. Snort flinched. “Everything not turn out so fine.” He pointed a paw toward the opening. “Hunk scram, feed goats. Snort stay here, hide in cave!”
“Me scram? Are you crazy? Look, pal, this is my dungeon. Go find your own. If you think I’m going to go out there with that ghost and let him…”
There had never been anything subtle about Snort. He snatched me up in his jaws like a rag doll and pitched me outside, and a moment later, he air-mailed Drover. We both hit the ground with a thud and rolled to the bottom of the hill.
I expected to be swarmed by all of Snort’s kinfolks, but when I looked around, I saw nothing…nobody. They had vanished. Everyone was gone. Drover and I were the only living things left in the canyon…alone with a ghost that wanted to haunt someone until Doomsday.
I leaped to my feet and rushed over to Drover’s side. “On your feet, son, we’ve got to make a run for it!”
“Can’t do it, too scared, can’t move, leg’s killing me!”
“Fine, I’m leaving. You can stay here with the ghost.”
He sat up and blinked his eyes. “You know, I’m feeling a little better now.”
“Good. Hit Full Turbos and let’s fly!”
Boy, you should have seen us! You talk about a couple of dogs burning a hole in the night air! I don’t know how long it took us to make that two-mile run back to headquarters, but I can testify that we never slowed down and never looked back.
We arrived at ranch headquarters in record time, exhausted and gasping for air. We collapsed in front of the yard gate and were in the process of reviving our precious bodily fluids, when…guess who came slithering out of the shadows.
You probably think it was the ghost, and that he gobbled us down—teeth, hair, toenails, and bones, right there on the spot.
Nope. It was the cat. Pete. “Well, well, look who just arrived! And Drover has made his triumphant return to the ranch. How in the world did you get away from the coyotes?”
Drover started to answer, but I cut him off. “I’ll handle this.” I pushed myself up on all-fours and lumbered over to the gate, where the cat was sitting with his tail wrapped around his back side. “It was very simple, Kitty. One riot, one cowdog.”
His face showed pure astonishment. “You mean…now Hankie, surely you didn’t…”
“Beat up the coyotes? Ha. I thrashed ‘em, Pete, wrecked twenty head of thieving cannibals. I gave ‘em a few lessons in Dog Karate and they’re all lying in a heap in the canyon.”
“Really! Well, I’m just amazed.”
“Biggest pile of coyotes we ever saw, right Drover?”
Drover frowned. “Well, that’s not the way…”
“Hush.” Back to the cat. “We left a huge pile of coyotes in the canyon, and I doubt that they’ll ever want to mess with me again.”
Kitty was still astonished. “Hankie, I hardly know what to say.”
“Good. When the cats are speechless, the ranch is a happier place.”
He stared at me and twitched the last two inches of his tail. “My, my. You didn’t even need my help.”
“Ha! You’d better believe it. Hank the Cowdog does not need help from the cats—ever. Now, go back to your spider web. Come on, Drover, our gunny sacks are waiting.”
Pretty impressive, huh? You bet. Don’t forget the old cowdog saying: “Do unto others, but don’t take trash off the cats.” In other words, do unto them before they can do unto you. Hee hee. I love messing with the mind of a cat.
And, well, that’s pretty muchly the end of the story. Drover and I trotted down to the office, scratched up our gunny sack beds, and collapsed. Wow, you talk about a great bed! I stretched out my weary bones, closed my eyes, and…
“I am the Ghost of Rabbits Past!”
I flew out of bed. Drover flew out of bed. We found ourselves standing face to face in the dark. I whispered, “Did you say something?”
“No, it wasn’t me.”
“Okay, did you hear something?”
“Yeah, and I was hoping it was you, playing around.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Oh my gosh!”
“Eaten by you like corned beef hash!”
Drover’s eyes bugged out. “It’s the ghost! He followed us!”
My mind swirled. “Get control of yourself. We didn’t eat any rabbits, so we ought to be okay.”
“I see your grins and hear your drums.”
“Hank, I’ve got a real bad feeling about this!”
“Right, me too. Okay, when I give the signal to move out, we will evacuate the building and take refuge in the machine shed.” Zoom! Drover didn’t wait for the signal. He was gone, out of there. “Hey, come back here!”
Drover had abandoned me, but the ghost hadn’t. Yipes, he was still around. How did I know? I heard his horrible screeching voice—close!
“I’ll haunt you now till dooms-day comes!!!”
Well, that was all I needed to hear. I tore up half an acre of grass and highballed it for the machine shed, went flying through the crack between the big sliding doors, and took refuge in the darkest corner.
Drover was already there, of course, shivering and clacking his teeth together. “Did the ghost follow you?”
“At this point, we don’t know. We’ll post a double guard. Nobody sleeps tonight, soldier. If he attacks, we’ll go down fighting for the ranch.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Right, me either, but we’ll just have to take what comes.”
And so we began what promised to be one of the longest nights of our whole careers. Minutes passed, maybe hours, who could say? I had no trouble staying awake. I was wired with brute fear. Then…I heard a voice. It seemed to be coming from the front of the shed.
“Hankie? Drover? Yoo-hoo, anybody home?”
Whew! Unless I was badly mistaken, I had just heard the voice of the cat. Did I dare speak and expose our position? Yes. I needed to find out if he had crucial information about the ghost.
“Pete? Is that you?”
“Um hm.”
“I must ask you a very important question.”
“Oh goodie. I just love answering your questions.”
“Pete, do you know anything about a ghost?”
“The Ghost of Rabbits Past?”
“Right, that’s the one. Talk to me, pal, where is he?”
“Well, Hankie, he’s right here.”
My whole body went rigid. “He’s in the machine shed?”
“Um hm. For you see, Hankie…” There was a long throbbing pause. “I am the Ghost of Rabbits Past. Hee hee!”
Huh?
“I did you a favor, Hankie, and now we’re back to zero. Nightie night.”
HUH?
Okay, we need to talk. That last page you just read…we must do something about it. See, it contained Highly Classified Information—not ordinary Highly Classified Information, but Top Secret Keep-Your-Trap-Shut Highly Classified Information. The little children must never be exposed to these secrets, so let’s do whatever we must to, uh, control the spread of the so-forth.
Can I count on you to plug all the leaks? Good, thanks. Sorry to bother you, but this deal came up all of a sudden and…
Never mind. The impointant point is that Drover and I survived the night and escaped a terrible fate by the tiniest of
margins. We can attribute our success to vigilance, training, and iron discipline. If there’s more to this story, you don’t need to know about it.
This case is closed. And I mean CLOSED. Don’t you dare mention this to anyone!
Further Reading
Have you read all of Hank’s adventures?
1 The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
2 The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
3 It’s a Dog’s Life
4 Murder in the Middle Pasture
5 Faded Love
6 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
7 The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob
8 The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse
9 The Case of the Halloween Ghost
10 Every Dog Has His Day
11 Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest
12 The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox
13 The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve
14 Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business
15 The Case of the Missing Cat
16 Lost in the Blinded Blizzard
17 The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog
18 The Case of the Hooking Bull
19 The Case of the Midnight Rustler
20 The Phantom in the Mirror
21 The Case of the Vampire Cat
22 The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting
23 Moonlight Madness
24 The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans
25 The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado
26 The Case of the Kidnapped Collie
27 The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster
28 The Mopwater Files
29 The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper
30 The Case of the Haystack Kitties
31 The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook
32 The Garbage Monster from Outer Space
33 The Case of the Measled Cowboy
34 Slim’s Good-bye
35 The Case of the Saddle House Robbery
36 The Case of the Raging Rottweiler
37 The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game
38 The Fling
39 The Secret Laundry Monster Files
40 The Case of the Missing Bird Dog
The Ghosts of Rabbits Past Page 7