His confident shoulders were hunched in uncertainty as he held the ring out between his trembling fingers. “I know it’s not much but one day I will get you a bigger one.” He said apologetically.
My mouth worked before my brain could catch up.
“But we’ll be poor.” I slapped my hands over my mouth immediately regretting my words as I watched pain slash across his face in waves. The bright light in his eyes evaporated the instant the words sprang from my traitorous mouth.
He said nothing as he sat there staring at the tiny ring in his hand solemnly. I immediately felt like the dick that I was. I snatched the ring from his hands and shoved it onto my finger, drawing my hand to my chest.
“Of course I’ll marry you.” I tried to reassure him. The damage was already done though and the night ruined.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew his face to mine, covering it with kisses.
“I love you and I want to marry you,” I told him firmly, hoping to convey my words to him through action. I did love him with every fiber of my being and I did want to marry him. I can’t believe I had said that about not wanting to be poor. I was disgusted in myself.
Britt smiled and returned my kisses but the smile never quite reached his eyes and the kisses were empty. I knew I had cut him deep. I was so ashamed of myself.
My eyes drifted open against the bright sunlight that filtered in through the shades. My heart was heavy with pain both past and present. The shame from my dream still hung with me mingled with the wild sex with the stranger last night. I boxed up my favors and stuffed them back under the couch. I was in desperate need of a shower.
I had come home last night and forgone the shower. Instead, I went straight to my box and loaded up until I had drifted off. I had felt so much shame in letting another man touch me. I had been with many men since Brittan but they all paled in comparison. Last night, with the German, he had completely rocked my world in every sense of the phrase, physically and emotionally, though the emotional pain was caused by the physical pleasure.
Every time I had been with a man I always envisioned Britt, this time, the man was so good I couldn’t think of anyone but him and that made me feel guilty, guilt that for once I hadn’t thought of Britt. I hadn’t imagined his hands on my body, his lips against mine or his cock buried deep inside me. Guilt ate at me until I was alone in my apartment and able use the drugs to bring clarity to Britt’s face into my mind, because for those few moments on the dance floor and in the back of his limo, I had completely forgotten about Britt. I forgot his voice, his scent, his taste, and his face.
The drugs were my way to remember, to bring his face back into focus. It had been ten years since I had last seen him. Ten years since I received the phone call that would forever change my life. We had been on a break in our relationship. That’s what I kept telling myself. I had always thought we would be able to work through everything and get back together. I didn’t care what everyone else thought or said. We were soul mates. We would have found our way back together had things gone differently, had he not died.
Guilt about his death and the events leading up to it ate at me daily. I had sought therapy for years at the urgency of my uncle. For a while, it helped. The guilt lessened, though never fully went away. It was when I realized that I could no longer recall his face in my mind that the reality of everything hit. I immediately panicked. How could I forget the one person who I swore to love above all others for the rest of my life?
I had no idea what drew me to using to see him. I had never considered drugs before. I was firmly against them. It just clicked one day. I was curled up in a ball in my bed, sobbing my eyes out remembering the fight that led us down the road we had traveled when I decided to use. I had never shot up before or used hard drugs but what was the worst that could happen? That was honestly my thought. What’s the worst that could happen? Death would just be a swift step into his arms. Though being catholic I was against suicide, however, if an accident were to happen…
I remember the last year we had together like it was yesterday… just not his face.
Two weeks after Britt proposed and I opened my big mouth he dropped out of school and took a job working on the riverboats. He told me he wanted to be able to support me and that was the only way he knew how without a high school diploma. We fought over it. I never wanted him to drop out of school for me. I wanted him to stay in, to graduate with me and go to college with me. I couldn’t believe he had gone off and changed our life’s plan without first consulting me.
Britt’s job had him gone for forty-five days and home for fifteen before having to go back out. Every time he came home we would hide away and spend our time stuck on stupid and stuck on one another. He had no cell reception so we only had letters to keep each other company. He would receive my letters and be able to send his out every time he crossed the lock and dam in Paducah, Kentucky.
After three months he began to divvy up his time between me and his friends. I knew he missed them so I understood. By the sixth month, I hardly ever saw him. I would see him the day he came into town and the day he left. Word around the school was that he had made some new friends, friends that happened to be drug dealers and users. I wrote to him daily and even asked about his friends but he never responded to my prying questions.
Being the nosey person that I am I began to ask around and started friending the people he was rumored to hang around with. I needed to get to the bottom of the rumors and see if there was any truth to them. I befriended Erick Martin. He was the same age as Britt and I but had dropped out the year before. He was a smooth easy going guy that everyone knew smoked and dealt pot. I figured he would be the easiest to befriend and gain information from. He was a nice likable guy.
I spent my days in school and my nights hanging out with Erick and his friends. Often we would ride around town while they took turns passing a joint. What I liked about Erick was there was no pressure for me to join in with the party favors. He asked once and I declined and he never said anything about it or offered it to me again.
The day my world began to spin out of control was the first day I had ever smoked pot. I was riding around with Erick and some of his friends when the car came to a screeching halt on the dark dirt back road. I looked out the front windshield in time to see Britt jump out of his red and white Chevy truck that blocked the road. My heart galloped in my chest. Why had he not let me know he was coming home? His last letter said that he wouldn’t be able to make it home this trip.
Anger immediately seized my body. Why did he lie to me? My eyes stayed glued to him as he stalked over to the passenger side of the car where I was sitting. I could see the muscles in his thick corded neck taut with a fury which only fueled my anger. How dare he be mad at me? He is the one who lied.
“Get out of the car Shelby,” He demanded venomously. His eyes burned with fury.
“No, you’re not the boss of me,” I screamed out like a petulant child.
His eyes narrowed on Erick sitting beside me in the back seat. “Erick, get her out of the car or I will fucking kill you.”
I heard Erick gulp in fear. “Shelb, you need to talk to him, man. I don’t want any trouble.” His voice shook with terror. The guys in the car all echoed Erick’s words, all of them afraid of the youngest Dahm boy. I found them all to be cowards which sickened me.
“I’ll get out of the car, but don’t you fucking leave me.” I threatened Erick.
Erick gave a quick nod of his head, taking his nod as a silent promise I exited the vehicle. Britt stood erect, his shoulders pulled back, the vein in his neck pulsing with rage. He may have scared everyone else, but he didn’t scare me.
“What the fuck are you doing riding around with those dope heads?” He screamed lurching at me. His thick fingers wrapped around my shoulders latching on for dear life. He shook me as though it would shake some sense into me. It only fueled my anger.
I jabbed a finger into his heaving chest. “Those dop
e heads are your friends and happen to be my friends now. How do you like that, Brittan? Making my man proud by being friends with his new friends,” I glared up at him.
I watched as his face fell. The anger dissolved instantly and was replaced by regret. My heart lurched for him. I wanted to take that look off his face and replace it with a smile. To fill his saddened eyes with love and happiness. Why was I always doing that? Making him feel like shit by cutting him with my words?
“You’re right,” he said so softly I had to strain to hear him. I watched as his body seemed to cave in on itself.
“Go home Shelby, you don’t belong with people like us. You’re too innocent.” His eyes shined with unshed tears as he spoke.
“Wh-what do you mean?” I stuttered completely thrown by the rapid change in him.
“What I mean is, we’re over, Shelby. I’m no good for you. I never will be and I don’t want you hanging around with people like Erick, people like me.” His jaw set as his resolve tightened.
“Get in my truck and I’ll take you home.” He said flatly, all emotion gone from his system.
“No,” I spat out crushed. My mind was reeling from what he had just said. He was breaking up with me and didn’t want me around him or his friends. This was not happening. My world was not crashing to the ground, not like this.
“Shelby, get in the truck.” His voice rose with anger.
“No, you broke up with me. You can’t tell me what to do.” I shot back at him angrily.
“Shelby, you’re not like us, you’re a good girl.” His eyes plead for me to listen but I refused. How dare he, how dare he take the easy way out, start using and then dump me because of his habit. How dare he end my world because he gave in to peer-pressure?
“Fuck you, Britt. I’ll show you just what kind of good girl I am.” I spat at him before spinning on my heels and getting back into the car with Erick.
“Drive, unless you want him to kick your asses.” I sneered at the quivering man behind the wheel. I believe his name was Jonathan but everyone called him Spuds.
“Dude, what just happened?” Erick asked, his face a mask of concern, whether for me or for his own hide, I had no idea.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat. The car lurched forward, swerving around the pickup that sat in the middle of the road.
“Give me that joint,” I said behind closed lids to anyone who would listen.
The rest of the night was spent in a drug induced haze. I had never smoked pot before and soon realized that it was definitely not the drug for me. Everything felt so weird and hazy. It was like the world was bathed in bright blurred colors and moved at a snail’s pace. My mouth felt like it was full of cotton and my body felt heavy and weak. I looked down and noticed my hand resting on Erick’s thigh. Panic seized my heart. No…no…no… this was wrong, all wrong. My eyes darted up to meet Erick’s. His heavy-lidded eyes shine with desire, his lip curled up into a lazy grin. I knew I had to get out of here before lines were crossed that could never be uncrossed.
“I need to get home,” I told Spuds. With a simple nod of his head, he turned the car in the direction of my mom’s tiny apartment. Erick’s arm wrapped around my shoulder pulling me against his chest, he rested his head on mine.
“Don’t worry babe, if you ever change your mind, I’ll be here. You’re worth facing hell for.” He placed a lazy kiss to the crown of my head. Home couldn’t have come quicker.
The last three months of school were spent drunk partying. I never touched pot again but that didn’t stop me from drinking. Word got around fast that I was single. Men flocked to me from out of the wood works it seemed, all with the intent it appeared of getting into my pants. I was thankful that Erick was there to act as a buffer. Though he and I never spoke of that night in the car I could sense the dynamic in our relationship changing. He became more of a brother than a friend. Odd, I would have sworn that we would have had some tension or hesitancy air but that was just Erick’s way. He was just that damn easy going.
Not only had word got around that I was single, the word also got around that Britt had been enjoying his new found single life. I had yet to run into him but I knew that it wouldn’t be long. The women were always eager to brag about their sexual exploits. It felt as though they intentionally did it when I was around. I wanted to say that I didn’t care, truth was, I did. I cared a lot. My heart shattered into tiny pieces all over again each time I heard a new tale of his sexual exploits.
I couldn’t believe that the past three and a half years meant nothing. We no longer wrote one another letters. It was as though that past few years together had never happened. I had taken off my engagement ring and locked it away safely.
Angela, one of the newest girls rumored to have been sleeping with Britt asked me to come to her party. I knew she was one of the heavier drug users so I was intrigued. I accepted her invite without a moment of thought.
That was the day I ran into him. The day the earth shook and rumbled beneath our feet. We were all hanging out on the back porch of Angela’s parent’s house drinking when suddenly the room went silent. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife.
“What is she doing here?” I heard his deep voice bellow. I knew who he meant. I was the ‘she’.
“Babe, she’s cool. I invited her.” Angela’s sickly voice purred. I watched as she rose from her seat to wrap her arms around his neck, nuzzling her face against his broad chest.
“She is not allowed here.” He seethed, ripping Angela from his body and shoving her away like a rag doll.
“Chill dude, she’s cool, man. She has been partying with us for months.” One of the guys spoke up, defending me.
I saw the moment realization of the words spoken set in. Shock and disbelief crossed his face warring with another emotion I had yet to determine. It three brisk strides he was right in front of me, his bear-like hands latched onto my arm and ripped me from my seat. My world swam and she dragged me across the porch and through the empty house and out the front door. I staggered trying to remain upright.
“You think this is all fun and games? That I gave up everything so you could ruin your life? Is that what this is Shelby? You think that I gave you up just so you could fall down the rabbit hole with me? Giving you up was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but I knew where my life was heading and I didn’t want to drag you down with me, that’s why I left you, Shelby.” He spat out angrily. His bright gray eyes burned black with fury.
“You left me instead of doing things the right way. You took the easy route, dropping out of school.” I reeled on him.
“I dropped out of school because I wanted to marry you and I knew you didn’t want to be poor. I took the best paying job I could and when that wasn’t enough I started slinging dope in hopes that I would have enough money to get us the hell out of here. How am I supposed to do that when you’re falling all over yourself behind me getting into everything that is wrong with this place? What the fuck are you doing using dope Shelb? Why the fuck aren’t you in school? Does your family know about this shit Shelb? Does your uncle know?” His words cut me deep. He gave up everything to build a life with me. Who would have thought that in one night and with the slip of the tongue I had ruined his life and his future?
“Just come with me baby, we can leave and never look back. We can get out of this together.” I begged, sobbing uncontrollably.
I watched through tear stained eyes as he withdrew a lighter out of his pocket. With the casual flick of his thumb, it sprang to life. My eyes were glued to the bright orange flame.
“Shelby, I love you more than life. I love you more than anything in this world. I want nothing more than to come with you, but you see… the damage is done. Some people are really upset at me. I fucked up.” His voice was low cold and somber.
He reached out a hand to me, without thought I took his hand in mine. His fingers clamped down on mine as he yanked me into his arms, spinning me arou
nd, my back pressed against his front. I could feel his breath against my neck, the strumming of his heart beating against the rib enclosure. I closed my eyes and sank into his warm embrace.
A searing pain on my arm and the smell of burnt flesh jerked me out of his arms. His hand clamped on mine kept me from going far.
“Now you will have something to remember me by.” His voice was empty and hollow as he released me and turned to walk away.
I sat there cradling my injured arm. He had heated the lighter to near explosion before placing the red hot metal to the tender flesh of my forearm. Already I could see the skin bubbling up, raw and angry.
The crunching of gravel had my head shooting up. I had expected to see the tail lights of Britt’s Chevy but instead, I was basked in the light of another familiar vehicle. My heart sank and filled with lead. I couldn’t believe what Britt had done.
“Get in the car Shelby, I won’t ask you twice.” The deep rumbling timber of my uncle Hank’s voice filled my stomach with dread. I couldn’t believe he had called my uncle from North Carolina and had him come get me.
“How - how did you know where I was?” my voice shook with fear.
I loved my uncle better than anything but I knew that I was disappointing him and that was the last thing I wanted to do. He was the only family member I cared about. My father had been found with a bullet in his brain two days after I left California, the house had been ransacked. My uncle was the only person I had confided in. He was my dad’s brother and I knew the shock hit him much harder than it had hit me.
“Brittan and I have been talking for the past few months. He told me that no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get you to stay in school or do right. I’ve already swung by your mom’s place and packed your things. You’re coming home with me.” His words hung around me like stone, I couldn’t leave Brittan but I knew I couldn’t defy my uncle. He was the only family I had left.
Chasing Brittan Page 4