“I don’t think it was over last night when he followed you to your room and didn’t come back,” Lucy said, tossing her long, straight black hair over her shoulder. Lucy’s hair was like a tame dog compared to Mia’s. Always shiny and pretty, it did whatever Lucy wanted. Mia had to muzzle her hair into a ponytail and then a hat just to be presentable. “Honestly, Mia, you should have seen Mom’s face. It’s like she was counting the minutes until you gave her grandkids.”
“There won’t be any grandkids. We’re getting a divorce.”
“Really?” Lucy asked. Mia nodded. Stupid tears welled up in her eyes and she dug her chin into the wood fencepost.
“Then why are you crying?” It should have been obvious, so Mia just sniffed and kept her mouth shut. “You still love him.”
“Of course I love him!” she cried. “My God, Lucy, look at the man.” She turned, flinging her arm out to where Jack was riding up from the south pasture. She had no idea how she knew he was there, she just did. The same way she knew where north was. He was a part of her compass and she was so scared that when he left, she’d be lost.
“The man looks good in a cowboy hat,” Lucy said with a low whistle. “If you go for that kind of thing.”
“I’m a rancher,” Mia grumbled. “I live for that kind of thing.”
“I can see your dilemma.”
The silence was soft, comfortable, and Mia realized in a heartbeat how much she missed her sister. How, when Lucy took Mom to L.A., it felt as if part of her had gone missing.
And now that Lucy was back, Mia needed to unload the burden she carried. The baggage she stored and hid away that could no longer be borne alone.
“He’s going to go to that university in two weeks and tell them he’s responsible for Oliver’s death,” she blurted.
Lucy hung her head and muttered something under her breath.
“I know it’s crazy, and I think he knows it’s crazy. But I feel bad for him. I feel—”
“Come on now, Mia. How many more years are you going to dedicate to loving a man who doesn’t love you back?”
“Ouch, Lucy.”
“I know, I’m sorry, I just… I can’t watch you put any more time into that man.”
“He says he sees me now, really sees me.” She looked over and caught her sister’s dumbstruck expression. “I think… I mean, I know it sounds desperate, but I think he’s changing. I really do.”
“But can he change enough?” Lucy asked after a long moment.
Mia’s heart pulled and strained like one of the dogs on a leash.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Well, I know!”
“Stop, please, just stop.” Mia looked up at the blue sky, the white clouds. So much beauty and she just didn’t care. The world could be gray and it wouldn’t make any difference. It would, in fact, only make Jack and his temptation that much brighter.
“Tell me something good,” she said, wanting some color in her life. Something to distract her from the fluorescence that was Jack. “Tell me how your business is booming and all the movie stars are wearing your jewelery.”
“All the movie stars are wearing my jewelery because I give it to them,” Lucy said, staring down at the dirt.
“Is something wrong?” Mia asked, worried by this cloud on her sister’s face.
“Wrong?” Lucy laughed and then shook her head. “It’s not exactly what I thought it would be. The de signs… Everyone loves the designs.”
“Of course they do,” Mia said. “They’re gorgeous.”
“I’m just having trouble with the business part of it.”
Lucy shrugged. “It’s a steep learning curve.”
“You’ll figure it out,” Mia said.
“I always do, don’t I?”
Lucy propped her old cowboy boots, which somehow managed to look stylish rather than serviceable, on the bottom rail of the fence and whistled.
Blue came walking over like a lovesick cowboy.
“You haven’t lost your touch,” Mia said.
“With males of all species?” Lucy asked, her eyes twinkling.
“With horses,” Mia said. “Remember when Dad took you to that roundup?”
Lucy smiled and nodded, her eyes far away. “Mom about lost it.”
“Well, you were four. But you wouldn’t let him leave without you. And I can’t blame Mom, those mustang roundups were dangerous.”
“Not with Daddy,” Lucy said, scratching Blue’s nose. “Daddy made everything safe.”
Mia nodded in agreement. A truth they’d taken for granted until he died and their world became decidedly unsafe.
“I could never figure out why Victoria thought Mama and Walter had some kind of relationship,” Lucy said, shaking her head. “Why on earth would she go after that old drunk when Daddy was around?”
Mia bristled at the name-calling, but she didn’t say anything. Growing up, Lucy had never liked Walter. Not that Mia had, either, but taking care of him for the past five years had given her some insight into why Walter did what he did.
Shame and grief could turn a man inside out.
“Mom didn’t and wouldn’t. Victoria was crazy,” Mia said.
“You can say that again. You know,” Lucy said, wrapping her arm around Mia’s, leading her back toward the house and the bed that waited, “I think it’s a good thing that your marriage with Jack is coming to an end.”
“You do, do you?”
“You deserve better.”
“Like what Mom and Dad had?”
Lucy stopped and turned to face her. “What’s wrong with being on your own?” Lucy asked. “There’s strength in that.”
“And loneliness.”
“You think Mom wasn’t lonely?” Lucy asked. “Dad worked long hours and Mom had nothing to do but wait for him. Raise his children and keep his meals warm.”
“This isn’t going to turn into some feminist diatribe, is it?”
“No. Well, maybe. I’m just saying, marriage can be lonely, too.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” Mia snapped. Hadn’t she lived in the loneliest marriage for the last five years?
“I know I don’t,” Lucy said, draping her arm across Mia’s shoulders. Lucy took after their father and despite being eighteen months younger, Lucy was a good half foot taller. “But before you go back to bed to nurse your broken heart, remember that even good marriages are unequal. And as happy as Mom was being married, she’s loving her freedom. She’s very happy living the bachelor life.”
As far as pep talks went, this one was pretty awful, but Mia appreciated the effort. She hugged her sister tight, wishing she could absorb some of her strength and fire. Something to keep her going when everyone left her again. “You’re not taking Mom out clubbing, are you?”
“She’s taking me out. The woman dances until she drops.”
“You’re very funny.”
“Yes, I am,” Lucy said. Mia allowed herself to be pushed back into motion, thinking all the while that her sister was right. Marriages could be unequal and lonely, but she remembered her parents’ relationship as a good one. And she wanted one like it for herself.
And if things were different with Jack, maybe she would have had it.
I could still have it, she thought. If Jack stayed, if I let him stay. If I took the risk he keeps yammering on about…I could have a real marriage. A real husband. I could have the man I love loving me back.
But the risk was just too much.
“Mia?” Lucy asked, stopping to look her in the eyes. “You okay?”
“My head hurts,” Mia said, and it wasn’t a lie.
But her heart hurt worse.
MIA WAS KEEPING JACK way past arm’s length. He’d barely had a glimpse of her in the past three days. He blamed Lucy. The woman was worse than a guard dog.
She was a freaking chastity belt.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Lucy had asked around midnight last night when Jack knocked at Mia’s d
oor, looking for a second alone with his wife. She was the last person he’d expected to open it.
“You’re sleeping with her now?” Jack asked. “Isn’t this a little extreme, even for you?”
Lucy narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. “Haven’t you done enough, Jack?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I haven’t. Because I am trying to keep her.”
“Keep her?” Lucy arched a dark eyebrow. “Like she’s a pet?” She started to shut the door and Jack got a hand in to push it open.
“Don’t, Lucy, don’t do that. I just…I want to try.”
“I don’t believe you,” Lucy said. “And neither does she.”
“How am I supposed to convince her if you won’t let me talk to her?”
Lucy sighed. “I see your problem,” she said.
“Great, then can I talk to her?”
“No,” she said, the meanest guard dog to ever wear Betty Boop pajamas. “Go to bed and get over it.”
She slammed the door in his face.
Jack was exhausted, frustrated and getting desperate.
Mia didn’t want him here; she wasn’t giving him the chance to fight and he was leaving in a few days to go to the board meeting at the university. His instinct told him to come back, to keep fighting, but he was beginning to wonder if he’d ever win.
Mia had hardened her heart and maybe he needed to respect that. Let them both move on.
The very thought made him sick.
Luckily, there was always plenty of work to occupy him and the first of the cattle had been moved up to the north pasture, which just left the moms and babies.
He saddled Blue and led the horse out of the barn. He whistled for the dogs, but Daisy and Bear were nowhere to be seen.
“Come on, don’t tell me Lucy’s got them, too,” he muttered, rounding the corner to the front of the barn only to find his father sitting in the old chair Mia had fallen asleep in weeks ago. The dogs sat at his feet, their mottled muzzles on his knees.
“You done spoiling the dogs?” Jack asked. “I got work to do.”
“It can keep.” Walter stood, a tall man coming all the way to his full height. There was no cane, today. He didn’t shake. He didn’t tremble. Jack stepped closer and took a whiff of his dad’s breath. No booze.
“What’s going on?” Jack asked.
Walter licked his lips, a small show of doubt that somehow made Jack nervous. “I want to be a part of your life.”
“Excuse me?”
“I want…I want to be a part of your life. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and maybe I can never be your father again. I understand that, but I want… I need to know where you are and what you’re doing.” Walter didn’t look at him, kept his eyes on the dogs, his hands stroking their soft ears.
“I’m trying to herd some cows up to the high pasture,”
Jack said, deliberately obtuse. This conversation was…unnecessary. Unwanted.
And then he remembered Mia’s words, about how he needed to come to grips with his past and his parents in order to have a real relationship. Maybe she was right.
She’d been right about so much.
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll call you more often.”
“You’re not staying?”
“Mia’s kicking me off the ranch, Dad.”
“I want to visit you.”
Jack nearly staggered backward.
“I’m not kidding. I want to see where you live.”
“Dad, what in the world is bringing this on?”
“I’m fighting for the one damn thing I want, Jack.”
His burning eyes scorched through Jack’s skin, finding dark places, hidden places that hadn’t seen light or heat in twenty years. It hurt, and every instinct in him cried out to leave. To find some safety, a rooftop far away. But he grit his teeth and stuck it out, facing it down.
“One thing,” his father repeated. “I haven’t fought for anything my whole life. I let Victoria bully you, I let her run me away from my own son. I let her drive away the only people who made this house a home.”
Walter’s eyes were damp, his face was red, emotion rolled off him in waves. More emotion than Jack had ever seen him express.
“Calm down, Dad,” he breathed, reaching for Walter, who only shook him off.
“You could learn a lesson from me,” Walter said. “You’ll die alone, Jack. All alone, if you don’t fight for what you want.”
“What does this have to do with me?” he asked.
“We’re not that different, you and me. The way you treat Mia, have treated her for years—it’s the same way I treated you. I ignored you and left you alone, because it hurt to be with you. It hurt to count all the years I let go to waste between us, so I stayed away. Kept my head down and pretended that I wasn’t in pain.”
Pretended I wasn’t in pain.
Those words could have been ripped from Jack’s own life. He reeled slightly, trying to make sense of the fact that his father had just bashed him upside the head with the truth.
“We need to fight,” Walter said. “If we want a chance to fix things. And that’s what I’m doing. Right now. If you were a smart man, which Lord knows you are, you’d do the same. Before it’s too late.”
Too late, Jack thought, feeling a sudden call to arms.
Because failing to fight, or even giving up, leaving when she wanted him to leave and never coming back, only ensured he’d end up like his father.
Alone.
And he didn’t want that. Not anymore.
Every day here was another day of his life in the wild.
It was as if everything he wanted had broken free of the compartments he used to keep his life simple. Now, it was madness—he was overrun with desire and regret and a thousand wishes that he could make it all right.
“I am fighting,” he said, the words making it more true. “For Mia.”
Walter’s eyes narrowed. “You call what you’re doing fighting?”
“I’m trying—”
“You’re leaving in three days and every time Lucy looks at you, you cower like a puppy.”
Jack opened his mouth to argue, but what could he say? His dad was right.
“Do you love her?” Walter asked.
Jack thought of the way he’d loved Africa at the be ginning. How raw it was. How it had tugged at some thing primal and true, uncomplicated and pure, in his gut. The way he’d stepped foot on that soil and felt useful in a way he never had before. Vital. The people there who’d shown him every single moment what it meant to be gracious and joyful, not that he ever seemed to practice that.
But he wanted to. And that was new.
He thought of the way he’d loved his work. How it had felt at the beginning, as though it was just him against the problems. And how those problems had engaged him and absorbed him. Until he didn’t know who he was without the work. Until he could push away all those things in his life that weren’t easily solved.
Those emotions seemed so small when it came to Mia.
He’d thought that love was a separate entity. Something he could label, hold in the palm of his hand and quantify, but suddenly he realized it was bigger than that. It was all-encompassing.
At this moment, science failed him and he had no frame of reference for what he felt for Mia. It was as if his feelings for her were the invisible trusses, beams and joists for everything in his life.
Mia made his feelings for those other things possible. Her faith in him, her belief that he could accomplish what he set out for, made it possible to believe in himself.
Her integrity and passion for her own work inspired a passion for his.
She had always anchored him; no matter where he’d been in the world, he’d always come back to her. Be cause his home wasn’t the Rocky M, or his condo in San Luis Obispo. It wasn’t even his work. Or Africa.
Mia was his home.
And now that he was finally seeing his past for what it was—and himself for who
he was—he understood that she’d owned his heart all these years.
“Yeah,” he said, feeling like a man who’d been blinded by a solar eclipse. He loved Mia. Loved her so much and so long it had become a part of his landscape.
His own body. He just hadn’t recognized it until now. “I do.”
Walter smiled, his face lighting up for a bright second, and Jack felt hurtled in time. He stood there like a kid filled with all the hero worship a son should have for his old man, before tarnish ruined everything. And Jack wanted to hold on to that sweetness. The innocence. He wanted to forget the abuse and the neglect. The way it seemed his father turned his back on him.
And he wanted to remember the good things. The good times.
The bitter knot of anger and resentment shifted side ways in his chest, opening up some new place, a hidden chamber with light and a view.
Maybe this was forgiveness?
He wished Mia was here. She would tell him for sure.
“Well,” Walter said. “I’m just letting you know. I expect you to keep in touch better than you have been.
A card now and again—”
“You want to come with me?” Jack asked. “I’m moving heifers up the fire road.”
Walter’s eyes dimmed and he ran a wrinkled hand over his barrel chest. “Can’t ride, son.”
“We’ll take the truck,” he said, not sure why he was pursuing this. “The dogs can do most of the work.”
Bear barked at the news; Daisy scratched her ear.
Dad watched him, as if he knew that Jack wasn’t convinced. That half of him wished he could swallow back the words.
“Sounds good,” Walter said, clapping Jack on the shoulder, leading the way to Mia’s beat-up truck.
Jack lingered for a second, wondering how in a conversation about fighting for what you want, he ended up riding herd with his dad for the first time in fifteen years.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
JACK WAS LEAVING in two days. It was as if the calendar was embedded in her heart. Her head.
His Wife for One Night Page 17