“I beg your pardon?” he asked, fighting to stay distant.
She tilted her head. “I cannot marry you.”
“Don’t be foolish, woman. You were publicly ruined and we announced our engagement. By now the entire ton knows that. If you return to London but do not marry, you’ll never be accepted by Society again. Given your family history, you’ll likely be shunned entirely.”
She wet her lips nervously as he laid out the consequences she had already spent a night considering.
“I realize that is very likely the case, Your Grace,” she managed past trembling lips. “But it does not signify.”
“Does not signify?” he cried with a bark of laughter. “How do you make that out?”
“What I saw yesterday, Simon…” She shivered. “It changes everything.”
She moved forward and almost reached out to touch his arm before she stopped herself. He wouldn’t want her comfort now and she certainly didn’t deserve his.
“You are living someone else’s life and keeping someone else’s secrets because you are honorable. You’ve had so much thrust upon you and I won’t be another thing, another disappointment you are forced to bear.”
He stared at her, unspeaking.
She squeezed her eyes shut to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. “I think you deserve more in a wife than another person you cannot trust. I love you too much to sentence you to that.”
“There could be a child,” he snapped, and she winced.
Of course he would turn to that reason before he admitted he wanted her in his life. And after all he now knew, she couldn’t blame him for that, but it still stung.
“Twice we have been reckless,” she said. “But last night, I did some calculations. I believe it very unlikely that we could have conceived a child.”
She ignored the pain that statement gave her.
“But I would, of course, inform you if I began to exhibit signs to the contrary. It would change everything, I know.”
Simon shook his head. “Then what of you? You’ll never have another offer, Lillian. You will likely be put out in the street after Lady Gabriela’s father gets wind that you have set aside our engagement.”
“Yes.” She swallowed hard. “But I would rather ruin myself than you and your family. I would rather live a life alone than one where you forever doubted, suspected, and resented me for my follies of the past. It isn’t fair to you.”
Now she reached for him, letting her palm rest on his rough cheek for the briefest of moments. She felt the muscle there twitch.
“It isn’t fair to me,” she finished quietly as she pulled her hand away.
He caught her wrist. “I won’t allow it.”
“There isn’t any choice,” she said as she extracted her hand from his. “Good-bye, my love.”
He stared after her as she slipped from the room. In the foyer, she found Gabby and her aunt already waiting for her. She said nothing as she followed them to the carriage. If they believed that Simon was to follow directly on his horse, as had been planned the night before, who was she to disabuse them of that notion? They would discover the truth soon enough.
She sank into the carriage seat and turned to look back at the house. There, framed in the window of a front parlor, was Simon. Watching her leave.
And she silently cried as she realized that was likely the last time she would ever see him.
Chapter 24
Simon stared out the parlor window, looking at the spot where he had last seen Lillian three long days before. She was back in London now, the man he’d hired to watch her had reported her arrival. If there was a hint she was with child, Simon would know.
But if she was correct and that baby never came to be, then he supposed he would never see her again.“Do stop looking out the window like an abandoned dog,” the duchess said with a heavy, put-upon sigh. “It is unbecoming of a man of your station.”
Simon shut his eyes and swallowed back a harsh retort before he began to pace around the room restlessly. Since their emotional encounter a few days before, Her Grace had returned to her usual disdain for him, as if she had never confessed she sometimes loved him and cried to him about the past. He wasn’t sure whether to be happy or furious.
“Simon, darling,” Naomi said, watching him. “Please sit with us. And have some of these scones. You have hardly eaten since Lillian departed.”
He glanced at his sister and the duchess. They were both staring at him with expressions of either concern or barely masked contempt. He frowned and seated himself. He supposed they each deserved their feelings. He’d been forced to tell them about Lillian’s deception, they both had a right to know that they might be threatened by what she knew.
After all, despite her declarations of love, he wasn’t entirely certain that she wouldn’t reveal everything to the world. His doubt hurt as much as anything else.
“I’m worried about you,” Naomi said softly, reaching out to cover his hand before she poured him a fresh cup of tea.
He frowned. “I know. And I appreciate your concern, but it’s wasted. There is nothing that can be done about it now.”
Not that he hadn’t tried to think of something. But the fact was that his world had been turned upside down and the only person he had been able to count on was Lillian Mayhew.
And even that had been a lie.
But that didn’t seem to stop him from aching for her. He had paced the floors every night since her departure, missing her and longing for the life he’d begun to anticipate sharing with her.
“Do stop mooning!” the duchess snapped as she let her teacup come down on its saucer with a clatter. “This is all for the best. That girl was a liar, you are better rid of her. And even if she wasn’t, she would have had all the benefit from a match between you. All she would have brought you was financial drain and whispers.”
“Mama!” Naomi exclaimed, covering her mother’s hand as she stared at Simon warily. It was clear his sister understood the situation was far more complicated.
And that Simon was just on the edge of going mad from the pressure.
“You are correct, madam,” he said softly, locking eyes with the woman who had raised him. “Lillian would have gained a great deal from our marriage. She would have had an exalted title, a vast amount of money, and a home for her and for her brother, should he choose to take it.”
His mother nodded enthusiastically. “Not to mention that it would have hushed some of the whispers, at least for a while, about her pathetic mother’s suicide.”
“Please, Mama,” Naomi said softly. “Now that we know why Miss Mayhew’s mother took her life, we cannot judge her.”
“Can we not?” Her mother spun on her. “Do you not think your father hurt me? Or countless others around him? None of us resorted to such dire measures. No, some of us continued in the responsibilities that had been thrust upon us, whether we liked it or not.”
Simon stared at her. She was talking about him, of course, the burden of raising him as her own and keeping the late duke’s secrets. Her bitterness saddened and angered him in equal measure.
“Somehow you forget, in this tirade about Lillian and her family, that she threw away all the benefits you accuse her of trying to steal from me.” He shook his head. “I told her I would marry her still in order to protect her reputation. She chose to endanger herself rather than force my hand.”
“That is true,” Naomi said softly as she looked at him.
The duchess snorted out derision. “She only abandoned her claim because you discovered the truth that the little charlatan was out to destroy us.”
Simon spun on her, fists at his sides and heart throbbing with powerful anger. “Let us be clear on this, madam, Lillian told me what she had done…or once intended to do. I never would have known it but for her confession.”
He blinked as his own words sank in. He turned away from his sister and her mother and walked to the window, where he looked down once again at th
e place where he had last seen Lillian. She had been climbing into a carriage, leaving him and everything he’d offered her as some kind of atonement for intentions she had never actually fulfilled with actions.
“If she truly wished to use or harm me, if her desire for vengeance had really been so strong,” he mused, now more to himself than the others in the room, “she could have remained silent. She could have married me and claimed all she could take of my money and influence. As my wife, she would have had unfettered access to all of Father’s estates, where she no doubt could have found evidence to her heart’s content about him, for I’m sure there are more secrets yet to be uncovered.”
Naomi made a soft sound of sorrow, but he didn’t turn.
“And then, when the moment was right, she could have struck like a cobra. With the increased position of duchess behind her, she could have destroyed us all with everything she knew, when she had every protection to keep her from being ruined by our fate.” He blinked. “But she didn’t.”
His mother pushed to her feet and strode across the room to him. He turned to face her and found her cheeks red and eyes bright with anger and upset.
“So you wish to laud her as a saint for this?” she asked. “Don’t be a fool. That girl is no good and you are well to be rid of her. I lived with the king of the liars for nearly forty years of my life. Trust that I know one when I see one.”
Simon stared at her. In some ways, her spiteful words were true. And yet they didn’t ring that way in his ears. When he thought of Lillian, he didn’t think of her lies, but her gentle support. He thought of how she’d told him she loved him too much to be another burden for him to bear against his will.
He thought of how much he loved her in return.
“Excuse me,” he said softly before he turned away and exited the room.
He heard the duchess’s voice echoing behind him as he moved down the hallway. “Don’t be an idiot!”
He moved to another parlor, but before he could close himself in and think about everything he had said to defend Lillian, Naomi was at his heels.
“Wait, Simon,” his sister said. “Please stop.”
He faced her with reluctance. “What is it? Or did you come to warn me against continuing to care for Lillian, as well?”
“You know me better than that,” Naomi said with a sad shake of her head. “I understand the situation is far more complex than Mother makes it out to be. She is embittered by years of lies and neglect and probably other things you and I will never know or comprehend.”
He turned away. “I simply wish I knew if her caustic words of warning were actually accurate.”
His sister stepped in front of him, so he was forced to look at her as she took his hands in hers. “What does your heart say, Simon? In the end, that is all that matters.”
He pondered that question for a moment. He’d been trying to silence his heart since Lillian confessed her objectives in coming here. He hadn’t wanted to hear it, it hurt too much.
Now it roared out loud and strong. It beat with an undeniable truth and desire that he could no longer squelch. And in some way, he no longer wanted to hush it.
“My heart tells me that I might very well be throwing away my one chance at happiness,” he said softly. “Lillian may not have had the best of intentions when she came here, but that doesn’t change her actions once she arrived. She intrigued and delighted me. And she saw all the ugliness of the past few weeks and never once turned away from it.”
“And she had every reason to do so, considering what our father did to her mother,” Naomi said with a delicate shiver that spoke volumes. “In her position, I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same.”
He nodded. He had thought that, too, over the past few days. “I tried to forget I love her. I tried to stop it. But I can’t.”
Naomi smiled slightly. “Then hear it. Listen to your heart, Simon. I’ve found mine rarely steers me wrong in life.”
He looked down at her with a smile. “I suppose I would rather regret what I have done that what I didn’t do.”
Her own smile fell. “Yes. I know that from experience, as well.”
Now it was he who caught her hands. “Naomi, what happened to our brother…that wasn’t your fault. I see that you blame yourself, but you were just a child.”
Her eyes welled with tears and he saw, in that moment, how much she held herself responsible for what had occurred. How much she needed forgiveness from someone…anyone.
“I tried to help him,” she whispered, and her voice cracked and broke his heart. “But he was so heavy.”
Simon blinked back the sting of tears as he touched her face. “Have you ever visited him?”
She shook her head. “Mama forbade it at first. I think they hoped I was young enough that I would simply forget what had happened. Of course I never did, but later I was too afraid to face him.”
“You should go. He is happy, Naomi, in his own way. Seeing that might give you peace. Plus he would like to have another friend, I think.”
She wiped her tears and was silent in contemplation for a long while. Finally she sighed, “I shall make a bargain with you. I’ll go see him as you ask, but only if you go to Lillian.”
He shook her hand solemnly. “That is a bargain. I’ll leave for London as soon as the two of us have seen our brother.”
“You’ll go with me?” she asked, eyes widening.
“Of course,” he said. “Whatever and whoever I was when I was born, this is my life now. And I wouldn’t be a very good brother or duke if I let you face this alone.”
But as his sister hugged him, Simon was thinking of Lillian. And how in just a few days he would be by her side again. That was when he would be truly tested.
Lillian carefully folded another piece of clothing and set it in her trunk. Behind her, she heard Gabby sobbing, but she couldn’t bear to look at her friend, for fear she would cry as well.“It’s so unfair. How can Papa put you out?”
Lillian sighed. It had been a week since they left Simon’s estate and three days since their arrival in London. In that time, Gabby’s father, the Earl of Watsenvale, had realized that Lillian had been ruined, but had no intention of marrying.
“Your father is merely trying to protect you, Gabby. My actions will reflect upon you and your family if I stay here.”
“But—”
With a shake of her head, Lillian cut her friend off. “I knew this was the likely outcome when I began all this. The situation is no more than what I have created for myself, I cannot complain about it now. Aside from which, your father is not putting me out, the earl has arranged for me to take a governess position.”
“In Scotland,” Gabby wailed.
A shiver rocked Lillian. She was trying not to think about that fact. “Well, I’ve heard parts of Scotland are quite pretty.”
Gabby folded her arms. “Not this part. It is cold and dreary and isolated from everyone.”
Lillian resumed fussing with her clothing, if only to have something to do with her hands. “Well, then I shall have plenty of peace and quiet.”
At that Gabby grasped her shoulder and forced her to turn. “There are eight children in that household, Lillian. Eight. And I have heard some of the servants talking. They say they are hellions. Beasts who have driven two women to the brink of madness.”
“You aren’t helping, Gabby,” Lillian said, pulling from her friend’s grip. “There is nothing to be done about it, so I might as well accept it with as much cheer as I can.”
Her friend hesitated, and then she wrapped her arms around Lillian and hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m just so sad that I’ll probably never see you again. How can I bear it?”
Lillian hugged her back. “I know.”
She was trying not to think of all she would leave behind when she departed England. The loss of Gabby’s support and friendship was difficult, yes. But there was also her brother, whom she had not been able to contact yet and inform
of her departure.
But more than all of that…there was Simon. If she had stayed in London, there had always been the faintest of possibilities that she might pass him on a street or see him in a shop. As painful as that moment would likely have been, at least she would have had a glimpse of him.
But now that was gone.
But as she had said to Gabby, she had created this situation. Every consequence that went with it was hers, as well.
The girls parted, and Lillian wiped at Gabby’s tears.
“Please promise you’ll forgive your father,” she said softly. “He was really very reasonable. He could have easily put me out on the street with no second thought. At least this way I shall have a roof over my head and a little money to support myself. I couldn’t have asked for more and I thanked him for his kindness. So should you.”
Gabby’s mouth twisted, but finally she nodded. “You must write me. Promise you won’t forget.”
“Forget!” Lillian laughed. “You shall be my only entertainment in that savage place. I’ll likely write you twice daily and you shall grow sick of hearing of moors and screaming babies.”
Gabby laughed but it was a broken sound. “The carriage will be here at any moment, and I cannot bear to watch it take you away, so I’m going out with Aunt Isabel.”
Lillian nodded. “That is best.”
“Good-bye,” Gabby choked, and then she ran from the room without a backward glance.
Lillian sighed out a shuddering breath, but somehow she managed to keep her tears inside. She had cried so much these past few days, she didn’t want more tears. No, she had to be strong now.
Snapping her trunk shut, she looked around the small chamber she had been living in for months. It had never really been home. In fact, the only place she’d felt at home since her father’s death was with Simon. Not at his house, but in his arms.
“Stop,” she said, gathering up her gloves and marching toward the chamber door with renewed purpose.
Before she reached it, it opened, and one of the Earl of Watsenvale’s maids stood in the entryway.
What the Duke Desires Page 24