by Taylor Hart
Beau leaned back against the stall and folded his arms. He couldn’t help wanting to ease her grief, but he could tell she didn’t want that from him. “Are you okay?”
She shrugged and focused on Sunfire again. After a couple of minutes she smiled again. “I don’t know.” She cleared her throat. “And I’m sorry for …”
“No, don’t apologize.” He watched her and wondered, again, why he was here. He knew she had promised herself to the sainted boy. And he knew that it seemed like most of the time she hardly even liked him. But . . . there was something about her. He liked her warmth and her rude exterior that really seemed to hide her soft side. He liked her vulnerability and her desire to save the world. He couldn’t deny there had always been chemistry between them. “I’m the one who should apologize, I did push you pretty hard to let me help.”
She hesitated. “Yes, you did.” She searched his face. “Why did you really come here, Beau?”
“Business.”
“Nope.”
There would be no way he’d get into all of his crap right now. He shrugged. “I wanted to help a friend.” He gave her a tiny smile. “Fine, make a joke about how if I don’t have any friends other than you, that’s pathetic.”
Sara didn’t respond but seemed to be mulling something over. “I’m not in a joking mood.”
He nodded. Why was he acting like an idiot?
She sighed. “I really don't know anything about you.” She sniffed. “I mean, I know you grew up in Laramie. I know you lived in Denver for awhile, but I don’t know why you’re back in Laramie. And I don’t know why you wanted to help me so much.”
Beau felt his stomach tighten. He didn’t know how much he wanted her to know. He still felt a prickling of guilt within his heart. “I’m sure you’ve read my bio.” He took the brush from her and started brushing Sunfire.
“Do you like horses?”
“What’s not to like? When I worked my uncle’s ranch, my favorite part was being with the horses.”
She hesitated. “Okay, what’s your favorite color?”
Beau laughed, a little surprised at the question, but liking the easiness of the conversation. “Blue.”
“Not surprising.” She grinned to herself. “What’s your favorite season?”
Beau stepped closer to Sara, still rubbing Sunfire’s back in gentle strokes. “That’s easy—fall.”
Sara stopped and stepped into Beau’s space. He tried to hold his ground, intrigued at her sudden interest. “Why don’t you think it’s a good idea to provide wheelchairs to disabled, disenfranchised people?” He felt her breath on his lips.
He didn’t want to have this discussion right now, but he knew she wouldn’t let it go. “I think it’s a good idea on principle.” His heart was beating faster. “I think it’s a bad business idea.”
Sara glared at him with intensity. “I could make it work, Beau.”
“I think that you think you could make it work.” He tried not to sound too arrogant.
She bit her lip and turned away from him. “Oh, what’s the point? Life just ends, right? We go along doing our daily things and bam, you’ve got cancer. Bam, you get hit by a car. Bam, children get killed all the time for no reason at all.” Hysteria started washing over her, like a wave that was building momentum for a tsunami. “And no one cares. No one cares!” She shouted at Beau.
Beau grabbed both of her elbows and shook her a little. “He cares, Sara. The Lord cares.” He tried to look deep into her eyes and pull her back to sanity by sheer will.
Collapsing against him, she cried. Beau held onto her trying to provide a soft landing place for this mini breakdown. “Shh.” Beau whispered to her over and over, like he would have calmed a child. He knew what it was like to feel fragile and on the edge of a breakdown. He’d been through it—and it hadn’t gone so well for him at the time.
“Sara!” Mark busted through the barn doors. “It’s time. You’ve got to come.”
She and her brothers stood around her dad’s bed.
“She’s here, Dad.” James rubbed his hand over his head gently.
Her dad opened his eyes. “Your mother says she loves you all. She sent me back to tell you.” His voice was raspy, but one side of his mouth tried to smile.
A slow warmth enveloped her and tears spilled down her cheeks.
They each took the hand next to them.
“We love both of you, Daddy.” Sara broke her grip with Mark and softly touched her dad’s paper skin.
James, Tim, and Mark all followed suit, telling him they loved him. Her dad closed his eyes and let go.
It felt peaceful to Sara, like a bird being set free.
Mark knelt beside the bed and cried. Sara reflected that she and James and Tim understood the tough relationship Mark had always shared with their father. It was a lot like the relationship Mark and Sara had with James: push-pull, love-hate. And now . . . it was over.
“It’s all right, brother,” James stepped to pat his shoulder. “He knew you loved him.”
The funeral was two days later.
Sara was both surprised and not surprised when Beau moved to her side after the graveside service. She’d been standing next to her father’s resting place a long time.
He didn’t say anything.
She turned to face him and their eyes held for a long time.
When she finally headed to the car, he walked beside her.
“It seems like you’re making it a habit of being wherever I need you.” It was weird, but she was grateful he was still in Montana.
Beau opened her car door for her and went around to the other side and got in. “I told your brothers I would see you home.”
Sara sighed, sitting back into her seat. “Thanks.” Exhaustion from the day threatened to consume her.
Beau turned to her. “I’m sorry I bulldozed you into letting me come. I shouldn’t have just assumed I could step in.”
Sara looked at him skeptically and smiled. “No you’re not,” she whispered it. She didn’t want to fight and she didn’t want to try to figure this man out, either.
Beau raised his eyebrows. “I have been working the past two days.” He smiled.
“Uh huh.” She let out a deep breath, feeling the relief of everything begin to wash over her. She’d been on autopilot the past two days helping with the arrangements and trying to sort out all the details of the ranch with James. She started the car and headed out of the cemetery.
“I wanted to let you know that I’m leaving first thing tomorrow morning. I left your ticket open-ended if you want to stay for a few days longer. But I need to get back to teaching. The Dean wasn’t thrilled that I took off and left him to find someone to cover for me.”
“No.” She jarred from her thoughts.
“No?”
“I-I would like to go back with you if that’s okay.”
They got to her house and she turned off the car, but didn’t get out.
“Thank you for …” she smiled at him. “Forcing me to let you help me.”
A smile played on his lips. “You’re welcome.”
She looked at her house, feeling drained of all emotion, but she knew she had to move forward. “I need to get back and finish the semester and do well.” One stray tear came down her face. “When you just think there can’t be any water left in your whole body . . .”
Beau gently put his hand over hers. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Sara.”
Sara saw the compassion in his eyes and felt confused. “Who did you lose, Beau?”
He looked down then back to her. “My dad… my wife.” His eyes were steady.
Sara rocked back, filled with shock. “What?”
Beau pulled his hand back and stared straight ahead. “I was in the peace corp right out of high school and my dad had a heart attack.” Beau waved his hand in the air. “I have always wished I’d talked to him when he’d tried to call the day before I left. It’s been a huge regret for me.” He took a deep breath
.
Compassion filled her. “I’m so sorry.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
Silence fell on them.
She didn’t want to push and ask more about his wife.
“It’s been almost two years since my wife passed away. We were only married for nine months. The cancer was too advanced when we found out.”
Sara noticed he was blinking rapidly. Now, she grabbed onto his hand fully and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, Beau.”
He squeezed her hand back gently and rubbed his eyes with the back of his other hand. “I couldn’t stand for you to face it all alone, Sara.”
Sara looked at Beau’s face and wondered why everything between them seemed to change in an instant. It was like she finally saw this man for who he really was; a caring, kind person who had been hurt a lot in his life.
She was overwhelmed. She didn’t know what to say, so she asked, “Do you want to walk with me to Dad’s favorite spot?”
Sucking in a breath he nodded. “Sure.”
They got out of the car, and Sara peered through the large front windows into the house. People were inside, balancing plates of food on their laps. She didn’t think she could stand to shake another hand at the moment. “This way.”
Beau picked up her hand, and they walked in companionable silence watching the orange sky glowing behind the mountains.
She stared at their hands and then asked, “What was your wife like?”
He kicked a small rock on the road. “She was too good for this world.”
Sara pulled him a little ways off of the path and then quickly kicked her leg over the wooden fence. “I know it’s not lady like to climb a fence in a dress.”
Beau hiked over it and laughed. “I think we’re past that. Plus, I’d rather have you climb than carry you.” He smiled mischievously.
She smacked him in the arm, and he laughed, feeling her mood lighten just being with him. “So this is it. He said it was his place to talk to God.” She sat on a stone bench and patted the side of the bench next to her.
Beau sat down and turned to her. “It’s beautiful.”
The huge trees towered over them, leaving a hole in the center. A bright shadow filled it with light. Sara noted that he wasn't looking at the scenery, he was staring at her.
“Would you come here often?”
Sara thought of her dad’s face and felt a deep peace come over her. “Yes. He would sit here with all of us at different times and really talk. That’s what he would say. ‘Let’s go really talk in the trees.’” She smiled at Beau.
Beau put his arm gently around her shoulders and pulled her into him. “He gave you all such a gift. He was a good man that loved you.”
She felt drained. “I should probably get back to the house. My brothers will wonder where I am.” She stood and Beau stood too. They both stared into each other’s eyes. Sara felt like she finally understood Beau a little bit. All the callousness and sarcasm was there to protect him. But he was really a good person.
“Are you doing okay?”
Sara thought of the quasi-breakdown she’d had two days ago in the barn and a calmness filled her heart. “It’s strange—ya know. I was so mad that day. And, it’s just been a rough couple of years seeing him get sicker and sicker. But when we surrounded him before he passed—I just . . .” Another tear broke free and her voice broke. “I really can’t explain it. It was like—the Lord was there, ya know. And I knew that Dad was happy and—so was my mother. Even though I’ve never known her.” She wiped the fresh tears off of her face and smiled. “I’m okay.” Inhaling deeply she looked at Beau’s perfect, sympathetic face. “I’m just so grateful for my dad. He never quit telling us that things would be okay if we just put our faith in the Lord—and for a while I didn’t believe him. But, I think I’m starting to.”
He slowly grabbed both of her hands.
They were silent, but she could feel his breath. And she wondered, again, if he would kiss her.
Chapter 17
But he didn’t lean in.
She did.
She reached up and pulled his head to her, kissing his lips softly, like a whisper. It would have been an understatement to say the earth moved. It was more like it opened up and swallowed them into a whole new place that made the compass change. Everything she thought was up was down and down was up.
“I’ve wanted to do that since I saw you that day at the airport.” Beau sounded unguarded, like a child discovering something new.
Warmth rushed through her.
Beau leaned in, kissing her again.
She kissed him back. This time it was . . . passion. It was wonderful and painful and she never wanted it to stop.
Beau pulled back and inhaled quickly. “I can’t marry you.”
“What?” Sara pulled away so quickly she almost fell over.
He reached out to support her.
“I didn’t want this to happen.” He seemed to be looking for something in her face. “I have a past, Sara.”
“Why are you talking about marrying me?” Suddenly, Jonathon’s face flooded her mind. She pulled her hands to her mouth, feeling instant shame. “Ohmygosh, he’s coming home in three days and I haven’t even told him about anything.”
Beau stood there, frozen.
The way he looked at her coupled with what he’d blurted out, made her curious. “And,” she said, holding up a hand. “What do you mean, you can’t marry me?” Confusion burned through her mind. “Why would you say that?”
Beau laughed. “This is incredible.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m completely wrong for you. One hundred percent wrong.”
Nervous angst fell through her. “Why?” she blurted out.
Beau’s smile fell from his face, and he stepped to her, gripping her arm tightly and pulling her close to him. His face hardened. “I don’t know, Sara. Why don’t you tell me?”
She felt paralyzed by the thoughts racing through her mind.
Beau let her go and turned, running his hand over the stubble on his face. “Come on,” he said it sharply, like he was talking to a child. He reached for her hand.
“Don’t talk to me that way.” She took off for the fence, hiking over it quickly.
He was beside her. “I’m sorry.” They walked in silence until the house came into view.
They got to the edge of her yard and stood there for a few moments.
She didn’t want to face everyone in her house, yet.
But, it seemed neither of them knew what to say.
Finally Beau turned to face her. “Let me be a friend to you right now. Let’s forget about everything else, and I’ll just be here for you.” His voice was unguarded and sincere.
She looked at him, trying to analyze his motives. “Why?”
He pursed his lips together then let out a sigh. “Because I know what it feels like to face death alone.”
There it was. Beau had a way of getting straight to the heart of the matter. He held out his hand.
She looked at it with uncertainty, knowing if she took it she would be giving more than she could, but wanting a friend and sensing that he needed a friend, too.
She took his hand and they walked into the house that way.
Chapter 18
Three days later, Sara pulled up to the Ivinson home.
Even though she was tired. Between the funeral last week and trying to get caught up on classes the past two days, she wanted to just dive into her bed and sleep, but she knew Martha and Larry would be worried and she wanted to see them.
“Sara.” Martha rushed to her side, pulling her into a soft embrace just as the electric doors closed behind her. “You look exhausted.” She put her hand to Sara’s head and seemed to be mentally checking her temperature.
Larry stepped out from the hallway. “Is she all right?”
Sara smiled and began walking to the cafeteria. “Just a little tired, but happy to see the both of you.”
“We d
idn’t know if you’d come today.” Martha took the blue tooth player from her and plugged it in. “We would have understood.” She hugged her again. “Are you doing okay?”
Sara nodded but looked away because she knew if she saw the concern on Martha’s face, she’d end up crying again.
Larry frowned and rubbed his mustache. “We’ve been worried about you, girl.”
Tears started coming down her face. “You both are so wonderful, thank you.” She wiped her tears on her sleeve. “Let’s not talk about it right now, okay.” She put on her bravest smile. “I just want to dance.” Pulling away from them she took some music out of her bag.
“There’s no timetable on grief, dear.” Martha was beside her. “If you need to talk, whenever you need to talk, you come to us, okay?”
Sara nodded and cleared her throat to get her emotion to go away. Somehow Martha and Larry had become a lot more than students to her. She put on a brave face. “I hope you haven’t been slacking this last week.”
“We haven’t, but I wish you had a partner to help us with the lessons,” Martha said.
“Me, too.” Sara opened her bag and pulled out her iphone. She scrolled to her playlist.
Suddenly, the cafeteria doors opened and Beau walked in. He was in jeans and a light blue button down shirt. His hair lay mussed around his face. He smiled at her, and Sara felt completely off center. Why was he here?
“Hey.” He walked over to her, shaking hands and introducing himself to Larry and Martha.
“You’re the one that called us with updates from Montana last week.” Martha pulled him into a hug. “Thank you for letting us know about everything.”
Beau’s face reddened, and he cleared his throat. “No problem.”
“What are you doing here?” She didn’t know why her heart was beating so fast. Martha and Larry both turned to her. Her voice had come out a little snippy.
“Well, you said you taught dance lessons and your partner flaked on you.” He shrugged, and Sara noticed his eyes appeared a deeper blue this morning, like the ocean. “I thought maybe I could help.”