And now that that’s done, everybody stare up at the numbers . . .
Chapter 41
Encourage Your Kids to Play by Themselves
Somebody sent me this wonderful thing for my birthday . . . an observation about the differences between generations. One of them said if you were born between 1930 and 1969, you grew up going outside and staying out from eight o’clock in the morning in the summertime until five o’clock. And no one was freaked out that you weren’t home. Nobody. That’s true. We did all kinds of things because our parents demanded that we go outside and socialize.
“Get out and play!”
You had to do it. And you know what happened? You learned how to make friends. You learned how to navigate . . . well . . . Life.
For some reason, children now are not taught how to be independent. As a kid, because I had to go out and play, I knew the outside world. This generation knows a computer screen. They don’t seem to know they can go outside.
There’s a generation of parents now who hardly get to see who their kids are friends with. Because they don’t come to your home. They’re all on the computer. You have to take your kid’s word for it that they’re even real people.
We had imaginary friends. Theirs are virtual.
So there are certain aspects of all of this that are really hard for me and a lot of people to understand. And somehow, folks younger than me—parents that are younger than me—don’t seem to remember the days of having to go outside and play. The days when you got out there and met people . . . and dealt with the world.
You know, back when you went to the library—the what??
Yeah. And not the library that was a folder on your computer’s desktop. The library that was a place. The library where you had to interact with—the librarian! You had to learn how to ask questions. You had to wait. Your. Turn. You had to learn how to navigate where you were. You learned how to do it by going . . . By getting out there and having to do the work—in person. It’s just a very different time now.
Many parents now don’t understand what their kids are studying in school. So there isn’t a way to engage because the adults don’t follow what the kids are doing. You can’t be as involved as you would like if you don’t understand it yourself. So that connection is fading. “Mom, can you help me with my homework?” is a rarity now.
They don’t really need you as much anyway, because they can go on the frickin’ computer and figure it all out. Technology seems to have helped them be able to learn everything independently . . . except how to be independent people like we had to be. Computers have made it easier for them in one way, but you know what? They have also made it tougher because doing everything online has robbed them of experiences.
It’s why it’s important for parents to say things like “please” and “thank you.” And “may I?” And to talk about what’s in the news and what’s happening in the world. And to travel and spend time out there. Yes—Out There!
It’s why it’s important that kids learn about having friends, so that if they do go to somebody’s house, they know how to speak to the parents. How to interact with actual people.
Maybe even how to tell time when it’s not digital.
Chapter 42
Peer Itself
Children and parents are not peers. As I mentioned earlier, when I was a kid, we had to call everybody Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so. It’s the acknowledgment of another person and their place in the hierarchy. Southern people do it all the time. Miss So-and-so. And people always enjoy a laugh about it. That’s because it’s one part respectful, one part wink. Mostly, though, it’s respectful.
But, listen up. Your son’s or daughter’s friends . . . those kids are not your equals! Unfortunately, I think a lot of agitation comes because adults don’t know how to get respect.
When a kid comes over and the adult says, “Call me Steve,” you’re setting up a relationship that may or may not work. It’s hard to know. Every relationship is different, and blahdy-blahdy-blah. Got it . . . But. I do think going back to some of the basics might help. Now, do I want to be addressed as Miss Goldberg by folks? No, not everybody. But, see, I have the kind of name that is meant for people to call it, big and small, just what it is. Whoopi. You know?
But your son’s or daughter’s friends, they should call you “Mr.” or “Mrs.” Just out of respect. Don’t assume that you can be, or should be, their best friend.
It’s like they say about music. If you learn the rules, you know when you’re breaking them. And I think you need to start young knowing the rules of how we interact. Then, maybe decide when . . . and when not . . . to break them. But you’ve got to have the rules, I think. And kids need to know they mean something. And that comes from the adults.
Remember when most of us were kids? You did not have control over the telephone. So if you were in deep doo-doo, your parents said, “You know what? Your friends cannot call.” And that was that. Remember that? There was no explaining, and adults did not care if you were mad. And you could not talk back because there were Big Repercussions.
One of the other things that people never used to do when I was a kid, was adults never used to talk about other adults in front of kids. Don’t do it! It’s wrong to talk or gossip about an adult in front of a child. Then, next thing you know, it gets around to other kids. With information you may or may not have correct.
It’s like having a kid hear an adult say, about someone, “Well, what’s wrong with her? Why doesn’t she want more kids? Doesn’t she like kids?” Maybe it doesn’t occur to people maybe she can’t afford to have more kids. There could be a million reasons. But why call her out in public? Especially in front of a child!
I’ve found when you’re dealing with little kids, they really do operate mostly based on what they see. They are responsible if you are responsible. They understand things if—if—you can keep it child-friendly and short.
Now, I made a mistake in my earlier years thinking that because I was explaining stuff to my daughter that, at seven and eight, she was putting it in her brain computer. Well, that’s all well and good but at seven and eight they don’t really know what your experience at twenty-eight or thirty or forty has been. So just because you tell them something, and they give you the look that says, “Yes, I get it” . . . doesn’t mean that they get it.
When she was young I said to my daughter, “Look, I’m going to go and I’m going to be on Broadway.” And she’s like, “OK.” Then, when I was gone, she’d say, “Where are you? Why aren’t you here?” And I’d say, “I explained it to you.” “OK, you explained it, but it doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m eight years old.” And that was a very clear message to me. I had to admit that I was just trying to do what I wanted and I tried to get her to go along so I could do what I wanted to do and not feel guilty. Really, what I wanted was permission. Now I know you can’t do that.
Most parents, if they say, this is what I’m doing, a kid will say, “OK,” and not really understand what it entails. All the sacrifices that they are going to have to make. Or the demands on your time. It’s important. And parents . . . you’ve got to know that kids are not going to understand what you’re going through. They’re just not. They don’t have your experience. And if they don’t understand what you’re going through, they have no clue as to how it’s going to affect them. So you sort of have to be a little more realistic than I was.
And this was a huge lesson for me. I still had to be the parent. You have to have the relationship that allows you to be the adult. Where you actually have to take responsibility. You know, we can talk about responsibility with kids as much as we want to, but the truth of the matter is you’re the adult. You are responsible. When they’re seven and eight you can’t ask them to be responsible. You can ask them to be responsible for homework. But you can’t ask them to be responsible for how you’re doing. Or how you’re feeling. It just isn’t their responsibility to take care of you. It’s your responsibility to take ca
re of them.
And you have to be measured, I think, in the things that you say to them. Because they don’t need to have all of the information all of the time. They need a lot of the information . . . and often. And there’s a difference. And they are not mini-adults. They’re not little forty-year-olds. They’re seven, eight, and nine. And all those things that you were when you were seven, eight, and nine. That’s what they get to be too.
So by not sharing that global stuff, you let them still be kids.
Now. There are some things, some moments in life, as we discovered on September 11, 2001, where you’ve got to say, “I don’t know.” Because suddenly, everybody was reduced to childhood on September 11. Nobody could understand it. It was foreign to us. And so, you know, if it was foreign to us and you’re in your forties, it’s way foreign to little ones if they’re seven and eight.
If things like that are happening in the world, they don’t need to see it on TV all the time. They don’t need to relive it over and over and over again.
Those towers came down more than once. Hundreds of times, thousands of times, on the television. I just sort of feel like there are some things that you’re going to have to admit that you don’t know how to respond to. And that it’s something you’ll just have to discover together.
Chapter 43
Role Models Will Disappoint You
When a famous person gets his ass handed to him in a public scandal, people just can’t get enough of the dirt. But then in the same breath, they shake their heads and say, “Pity too. He was such a role model.”
Drives me crazy.
This isn’t Dirty Laundry by Don Henley. This is real people’s lives.
And tell me something . . . Why do we have to discuss it 24/7? The truth of the matter is, there is no privacy anywhere. For anyone. Not when there is an entire industry that makes its fortune off of the misfortune of others.
And why is that considered OK? Am I the only one who is bothered that, in our society, instant damnation is the standard? “Off with his head!” . . . That’s become the starting point. Not, “Man, that’s really too bad.” Or, “I wonder if it’s true?” We start out with the premise that it is true. You used to be innocent until proven guilty. Until proven guilty.
What the hell is this idea of role models, anyway? I have a news flash. Role models are not who you want to be seeking out as blueprints for your life. If you are looking for a direction to go, you don’t want to be looking outside. Who is your role model?
You are.
Celebrity role models will just disappoint you. Know why? Because, in truth, they are role mortals. Humans.
And this is a big, dangerous thing. If you can’t assess right and wrong . . . what’s right for you . . . because you’re going to pattern yourself after someone else, here’s a question: Does that mean that they’re responsible if it doesn’t work out for you? See, just because I have lived my life a certain way is no guarantee that you’re going to have the same luck. So are you going to be pissed at me because it didn’t work out for you? You may find yourself rudely disappointed to discover there’s a lot I can get away with that you can’t. It’s a very, very tricky thing.
But the bottom line is this. A role model is really not—cannot be—someone who is not you. Because the only control you really have is of yourself.
If you are a parent, you might be wondering, OK then, how can my child learn to be his or her own role model? There is no simple answer. And know what? That is the whole point. Oh, man, if only it were as easy as patterning yourself after an icon. But it isn’t. So talk with your young ones. Let them know that it’s all inside, not outside. That’s where the values are.
Maybe it’s more mirror . . . less TV.
Tiger Woods. He never said he was a role model. He never said he was anything but a great golfer. And that’s all he’s obligated to be. Now, you like his life? You want to pattern yourself after him? OK, but it may not work out. (You may not have heard, but he’s had a few difficulties.)
What about Adam Lambert? He did what he was supposed to do on American Idol. Now . . . he’s openly gay and has always been sort of goth. Chances are he’s going to do things differently than someone else. So someone can’t boo-hoo if they watched a TV show where he was doing something shocking on stage and felt let down by their role model.
These people are only entertainers entertaining you.
Or athletes.
Or people you see on television or in films or on the news.
And remember . . .
We don’t know them. And we cannot be pissed off when they are not who we think they’re supposed to be. Wouldn’t you be mad as hell if somebody looked over at you and said, “I’ve made you my role model and, therefore, you have to behave in the way I think you’re supposed to behave”? No one wants to hear that.
There’s big money in role models. Somebody’s known as a good golfer, and suddenly he’s the Wristwatch Person.
Except, you know what? He is the Wristwatch Person because he plays golf. But the marketing people think, “Well, if folks like the way he plays golf, they’ll want to wear what he wears. They’ll want to drive what he drives. They’ll want to invest the way that he invests.”
This has nothing to do with his character. They are selling an image to people who want to identify with a role model. That’s their deal. All the golfer does is swing the club and wear the freakin’ watch. That is the relationship.
That is the role.
Tiger Woods, as far as I can see, is just a great golfer.
I guess the question you want to be asking yourself is . . . what are you?
Chapter 44
A Civil Person’s Handy List: Role Models Who Have Disappointed Us
Not all of them are bad people. Some just hit bumps because they are mere mortals. Many of them have bounced back. But at one time or other, these so-called role models have made us go, “Say it ain’t so . . .”
• Tiger Woods
• O. J. Simpson
• Bernard Kerik
• Pete Rose
• Mark McGwire
• Sammy Sosa
• Lindsay Lohan
• Amy Winehouse
• John Mayer
• Whitney Houston
• Michael Phelps
• Kanye West
• Britney Spears
• Heidi Montag
• Michael Vick
• John Edwards
• Paris Hilton
• Miley Cyrus
• Chris Brown
• Eliot Spitzer
• Rush Limbaugh
• Benedict Arnold
• Vince “ShamWow” Shlomi (if you’re curious, look it up)
This list means nothing . . .
. . . As long as you are not on it.
Chapter 45
How Do I Look? And Tell the Truth
If you’re a woman, and you don’t want the truthful answer to a question . . . don’t ask it! Just don’t.
“Does this dress make me look fat?” might be one to avoid.
Now—you could always say, “I need you to lie to me right now.” Personally, if I were in a relationship with someone and asked that, guess what? . . . I would love that man so much more if he said, “Yeah, baby, it does make you look fat. And it doesn’t look that good on you.”
He’s my man, why would he lie?
Because as hot as you think you look, if your old man doesn’t think you look hot, and he’s walking behind you going, “Oh, my God, her ass is hanging out,” you are not looking hot.
Flattery isn’t good behavior. Flattery is sometimes dishonest behavior. Come again? Didn’t anybody ever read The Emperor’s New Clothes?
Women, do not ask the question unless you want to hear the truth. Because the only time I ask, “Do I look weird in this?” is when I want somebody to tell me, A, no you don’t. Or, B, you do. And I only ask people whose opinions I actually care about.
; And to me, those things are important. When it’s more important that you’re lied to in a relationship . . . check yourself. Something’s wrong.
Now, what I’ve heard on The View is that—apparently—women don’t want the truth, so men don’t tell the truth to women about how they look. They just lie.
I don’t understand it.
Why wouldn’t you want the person that you spend the most amount of time with . . . or the person that you sleep with . . . to tell you the truth—that you don’t look good and to change your clothes? Why would you want that person to let you out of the house looking like hell?
Why wouldn’t you want to know that man thinks enough of you to say, “Listen, that does not flatter you. You don’t look good in that. Especially when you turn that way. You look like the side of a building. That’s not the right thing for you to wear if you want to look good. And I don’t care if you bought it and you thought you looked good . . . You don’t! I’m telling you. You’ve got the sides fat there, you’ve got the belly fat there, I can see your stuff, your stuff is hanging . . .”
OK, maybe that’s too much truth. But you catch the drift . . . Right?
If you ask the opinion of someone you care about, you should be prepared to hear the truth and not be angry. And if you are angry, is it at him for being honest, or are you mad because you knew when you had to squeeze into that (because you’ve put on a few pounds), that it might not work out the way you wanted?
Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Page 10