. . . long gaps . . .
. . . that make you think . . . that . . .
. . . the other per . . .
. . . son is not focused on you.
They can’t see you when you are talking with them and so the temptation is simply too hard to resist when the computer . . . or the BlackBerry . . . or the iPhone . . . or the iPad . . . is calling out to them.
“Hey, baby! Come on and check me . . . You know you want to. Someone might be inviting you to a party! . . . Maybe there’s news about that job you want . . . Come on, aren’t you just dying to check the tweets to see what color underwear John Mayer says he’s wearing today?”
And then the device takes hold of them. But the person on the other end is powerless. Because they don’t know what this other person is doing. Because they’re certainly not conversing. Which is what they should be doing if somebody calls them up and they answer.
Some telltale signs are the neutral “uh-huhs,” which sound a lot like “yes, dear.” But even worse are the long gaps and clickety-click of the keyboard you hear in the background from the person you thought was actually listening to you while you poured your heart out about the life-changing experience you had upon visiting the sick relative in the ICU who finally forgave you for joyriding in his car when you were fifteen.
. . . Hello?
Click, click, click. Tappety-tappety-tap . . . “Uh-huh . . . Riiight.” Click, click . . .
While the phone mute button is sometimes necessary, that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the unnecessary times. Times when you’re talking along and when you pause, you hear a silence so dead it could be the atmosphere on Jupiter. And then a soft click and a rush of sound from the person you thought you were chatting with. Know what they did? They muted their phone so they could talk with someone else in the room or the office—and didn’t tell you. Maybe it’s only for a few seconds. But still . . .
Know what you can do about this? Want to have some fun? All right . . . Next time it happens and you know the other person was away, multitasking or chatting up somebody who walked in the room . . . here’s what you do. When they finally do return to the line—pretending they didn’t leave—say this: “Good, then, I’ll just send the bill to you.”
Then sit back and listen to ’em squirm. And while they try to figure out how to find out what the hell you were talking about, you can relax and enjoy their discomfort. Maybe even check your email.
Chapter 72
Stress One Now
Don’t you just love when you call a business to talk to somebody . . . to tell them your issue, your problem . . . to get that little “personal touch” . . . and instead, you get that Stephen Hawking digitized voice that lets you know it’s a computer-automated operator?
Those robot operators (roboperators) . . . I hate them.
I can understand why they have them. Not only does it save costs in this bottom-line economy, but I suppose a lot of calls that come in are so easy to categorize that a live body doesn’t need to sort out the subtleties of what callers want. If you want to make a reservation, you press one now. To cancel, press two. Fine.
Oh, come on now. You know this is just because they don’t want to have to hire another person and have to pay them.
And doesn’t it seem that, most times, not even one of the options they offer applies in any way to what you called to do? What if I don’t want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on?
Sometimes you get into those automated systems and it’s like getting shot down some Rube Goldberg (no relation) chute into a maze of electronic twists, turns, and dead ends. It’s especially nutty when the voice recognition technology isn’t up to snuff and it can’t understand what you are saying.
“If you are a current customer, say ‘yes.’ ”
“No.”
“So to confirm, you are a current customer, correct? If so, say yes.”
“No.”
“Good. I’ll connect you to current customer relations. Your wait time is approximately . . . horty-hoo inutes.” That’s robot speak for “grab a comfy chair.”
“But wait, I don’t want—”
Click. And then you’re enjoying the Soft Hits of the 70s.
Gaah!
If they’re going to use these systems, they’ve got to get it together. How many times does the digital sweetheart ask you to input your account number, enter the date of purchase . . . and your middle school shoe size . . . only to have the live, warm body that finally comes on the line ask you for the exact same information all over again?!
Gaah! Gaah!
Since this is the wave of the future, rather than fight it and have steam come out my ears every time I call a business, I have learned to amuse myself with a little head game. It’s simple. All you have to do every time you hear one of the little prompts of marketing bull, is to say the opposite in the operator’s perky DJ voice. And try not to laugh. It’s hard not to.
For example, when they say, “Your call is important to us,” say, “You don’t mean zip to us!”
“Thank you for your patience.” You say: “You’re a loser with nothing better to do!” And remember, keep it perky!
“Someone will be with you momentarily” becomes, “I hope you went potty, because this is going to take all day!”
“We’re busy assisting other customers” translates to, “It’s lunch hour, deal with it!”
All right, all right, it’s not that much fun after the first twenty minutes. If you have a problem with that, just call. Because you know you are very important to us.
Chapter 73
With All Due Respect
These were just things on my mind and some ideas of ways I could be better. Maybe it helps you too.
If not, pass this book on!
Chapter 74
Master Score Sheet for Self-Tests
Enter your numerical scores here for each self-test.
Parking = _______
A Traveler Check = _______
Resisting Textation = _______
Stadium Behavior = _______
Sideline Civility = _______
Offensive Language = _______
Am I a Bully? = _______
TOTAL = _______
What your score means:
If you scored between 0 and 30, your behavior rates as CIVIL.
Congratulations.
If you scored between 31 and 181, your behavior rates as BORDERLINE BONEHEAD.
Oops.
If you scored between 182 and 259, your behavior rates as ASSHOLIAN.
. . . Which means you probably don’t care. But if you do happen to care? Back to page 1 and start over. We’ll wait for you.
After all, it’s the polite thing to do.
Chapter 75
Glossary of Terms & Other Words
Here are some of those terms that you came across in this book that I put together with a bit more definition and suggested usage. I’ve also added a few extras just for fun.
You probably have a few choice words of your own.
ASSHOLIAN: Behavior that could be seen as the renderings of a complete AH. But you are saved by your amateur status. You are human.
BIG BLOGGER: Allusion to George Orwell’s 1984, in which “Big Brother Is Watching You.” Now the mysterious surveillance entity is the blog.
BLOGGARDS: A term blending bloggers and cowards, which, for the ones that hide behind anonymity, are pretty much the same. They are not worth much of your breath, so this nifty combo word keeps it short.
BONEHEAD: Having the quality of being a thoughtless pain in the ass. A good substitute for some of the other, more potentially hurtful things you call people. But then, boneheads are pretty much immune to offense. They don’t get it.
BORG: Cyber-species from Star Trek. Borgs are followers, entities with a drone mentality a
gainst whom there is no resistance.
CRACKBERRY: Addiction to texting and email from your handheld device. Not specific to BlackBerry users. An equal opportunity annoyance.
DADHEAD: A dad who is a sidelines jackass. Generally applied to those at youth sports fields and Little League bleachers, but tends to roam to various venues. Watch for him and his video cam at the next graduation.
DAILY REHAB: The ongoing process of trying to keep moving forward in your life. Hey, we all screw up. Or backslide. Here is where character kicks in and you do your work. Every single day.
DIGITAL RAGE, THE: Condition that is the byproduct of the Digital Age. We’re antsy, impatient, angry, stressed, and otherwise hot and bothered over being so wired.
DUDEBAG: An only slightly milder way of calling a guy the word it sounds just like.
ELEVATOR EYES: An awkward condition that overcomes people when they get on an elevator with someone else and they can’t manage to look at each other. So they look at anything they can find, usually changing floor numbers, with extreme fascination.
-IAN: Suffix you can add to the end of words to link the user with the condition. For example, asshole becomes assholian, as in, “Man, that is assholian behavior.” Jackass becomes jackassian, and so forth.
PEERENT: A parent who tries to be a peer to his children or to their friends. The outcome is generally poor when nobody seems to be the adult.
REALITY CHICK: Woman famous for no discernable reason, except her reality show. Sadly, most aren’t that famous. Maybe we’re better off that way.
ROBOPERATOR: Those annoying robot operators that take our calls now instead of live people. Enjoy the perky voice. Dig the corporate smooth jazz on hold. Your wait time is . . . seeming like forever.
’ROIDIAN SLICK: Origin is athletes who cheated by using steroids (aka ’roids), but really applies to anyone who cheats his way to glory.
ROLE MORTALS: People we admire and look up to as role models, who are, in reality, all too human.
SOCCER MOBS: Soccer moms and dads who foster a mob mentality. They shout rude things and lose control on their kids’ soccer sidelines. Related to: DADHEAD, above.
SOCIAL NETWORK SITE: Those fun places on the Web where everyone sees your personal business. Poster, BEWARE!!
STEALTH SWEAR: As in, think the curse, don’t say it. Gives you the advantage of feeling good without all that pesky fighting after.
TALIBAN-ESQUE: Any behavior that imposes the beliefs of one person on everyone else. Conversations with the Taliban-esque are impossible. They aren’t even conversations. With them, it’s my way or no way.
TEXTATION: The overwhelming urge to text.
THE WTF LOOK: The expression that slowly grows on someone’s face with the dawning unhappy realization that something bad is in the air. You see this a lot on airplanes and workplace kitchens when stinky food hits the fan. It’s a look you don’t want to get.
Acknowledgments
First, I want to acknowledge Tom Straw because without him I would not have been able to have had this done on time.
I want to thank all the folks at Hyperion, including Gretchen Young and Ellen Archer, for taking a chance on this book. I know it may irritate some people and I don’t care ( just kidding). I would also like to thank all the folks at WME, especially Cara Stein and Suzanne Gluck. Also, Tom Leonardis, my business partner, and Shannon Schmidt who’s in our office. And, I want to thank all the folks who were kind enough to give me things that made them crazy—this is for all of you. Lastly, thanks to my cat, Oliver, who rubbed up against my legs at the right time.
About the Author
Whoopi Goldberg is the premier comedic actress of our day. She has won a Tony, an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Grammy, as well as two Golden Globes. In 2001 she was awarded the prestigious Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Whoopi Goldberg has appeared in scores of films, and is a host on ABC’s The View.
Have you noticed that things aren’t as civil as they once were? Or that rudeness is no longer an exception but a lifestyle? Sure you have. All you need to do is set foot outside your door to see that bad manners are taking over everywhere. People are yakking on cell phones in restaurants, even at church. Folks in carpools wear enough cologne to make our eyes bleed. Complete strangers think it’s OK to rub a pregnant lady’s belly. Passengers abuse flight attendants, family outings to the ball park are ruined by rowdy drunks . . . a congressman heckled the President of the United States.
Well, Whoopi Goldberg has noticed all this and more and asked herself, “Is it just me?” Unleashing her trademark irreverence and humor, her new book of observations takes a funny and excruciatingly honest look at how a loss of civility is messing with the quality of life for all of us.
So if your pet peeve is folks who talk in movie theaters like it was their living room, or if you get bugged by people clipping their nails and performing other personal hygiene next to you on the bus, or if you cringe when “please” and “thank you” get replaced by “gimme” and “huh?” . . . you have found a kindred spirit. Because Whoopi has witnessed the growing disrespect and rudeness in our lives and realized she is not alone. And, as you’ll discover in these pages, neither are you.
Also By Whoopi Goldberg
Alice
Book
Whoopi’s Big Book of Manners
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Copyright
Copyright © 2010 Whoop, Inc. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Hyperion e-books.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBN: 978-1-4013-2384-4
FIRST EDITION
EPub Edition © 2010 ISBN: 9781401396190
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Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? Page 16