The Bromeliad 2 - Diggers

by Terry Pratchett

  "We've tried everything! It's just got worse! We thought it would be alovely life in the Outside and now it's all falling to pieces!"

  Dorcas gave her a long, blank look.

  "We might as well give up right now," she said. "We might as well give upand die right here."

  There was a horrified silence.

  It was broken by Dorcas.

  "Er," he said. "Er. Are you sure? Are you really sure?"

  The tone of his voice made Grimma look up.

  All the nomes were staring.

  There was a fox looking down at them.

  It was one of those moments when Time itself freezes solid. Grimma could see the yellow-green glow in the fox's eyes and the cloud of its breath.

  Its tongue lolled out.

  It looked surprised.

  It was new to these parts and had never seen nomes before. Itsnot-very-complicated mind was trying to come to terms with the fact thatthe shape of the nomes-two arms, two legs, a head at the top was a shapeit associated with humans and had learned to avoid, but the size was thesize it had always thought of as a mouthful.

  The nomes stood rooted in terror. There was no sense in trying to runaway. A fox had twice as many legs to run after you. You'd end up deadanyway, but at least you wouldn't end up dead and out of breath aswell.

  There was a growl.

  To the nomes' astonishment, it had come from Grimma.

  She snatched Granny Morkie's walking stick, strode forward, and whacked the fox across the nose before it could move. It yelped and blinked stupidly.

  "Shove off!" she shouted. "How dare you come here!" She hit it again. It jerked its head away. Grimma took another step forward and caught it a backward thump across the muzzle.

  The fox made up its mind. There were definitely rabbits further down the hedge. Rabbits didn't hit back. It knew where it was with rabbits. It whined, backed away with its eyes fixed on Grimma, and then darted off into the darkness.

  The nomes breathed out. "Well," said Dorcas.

  "I'm sorry, but I just can't stand foxes," said Grimma. "And Masklin said we should let them know who's boss." "I'm not arguing," said Dorcas.

  Grimma looked vaguely at the stick.

  "What was I saying before that?" she said.

  "You were saying we might as well give up and die right here," said Granny Morkie helpfully. Grimma glared at her.

  "No I wasn't," she said. "I was just feeling a bit tired, that's all.

  Come on. We'll catch our death standing here."

  "Or the other way around," said Sacco, staring into the fox-haunteddarkness.

  "That's not funny," snapped Grimma, striding off.

  "I didn't mean it to be," said Sacco, shivering.

  Overhead, quite unnoticed by the nomes, a rather strangely bright starzigzagged across the sky. It was small, or perhaps it was really very bigbut a long way off. If you looked at it long enough, it might just appeardisc-shaped. It was causing a lot of messages to be sent through the air, all around the world.

  It seemed to be looking for something.

  There were flickering lights in the quarry by the time they got back.

  Another group of nomes was about to set out to look for them. Not withmuch enthusiasm, admittedly, but they were going to try.

  The cheer that went up when it was realized that everyone was back safelyalmost made Grimma forget that they were safely back to a very unsafeplace. She'd read something in the book of proverbs that summed it upperfectly. As far as she could remember, it was something about jumpingout of the thing you cook in and into the thing you cooked on. Orsomething.

  Grimma led the rescue party into the office and listened while Sacco, with many interruptions, recounted the adventure from the time Dorcas, out of sudden terror, had jumped out of the truck and had been carriedoff the rails just before the train arrived. It sounded brave andexciting. And pointless, Grimma thought, but she kept that to herself.

  "It wasn't as bad as it looked," Sacco said. "I mean, the truck wassmashed but the train didn't even come off the rails. We saw it all," hefinished. "I'm starving."

  He gave them a bright smile, which faded like a sunset.

  "There's no food?" he said.

  "Even less than that," said a nome. "If you've got some bread, we couldhave a snow sandwich."

  Sacco thought about this.

  "There's the rabbits," he said. "There were rabbits in the field."

  "And in the dark," said Dorcas, who appeared to have something on hismind.

  "Well, yes," admitted Sacco.

  "And with that fox hanging about," said Nooty.

  Another proverb floated up in Grimma's mind.

  "Needs must," she said, "when the Devil drives."

  They looked at her in the flickering light of the matches.

  "Who's he?" said Nooty.

  "Some sort of horrible person that lives under the ground in a hot place, I think," said Grimma.

  "Like the boiler room in the Store?"

  "I suppose so."

  "And what sort of vehicle does he drive?" said Sacco, looking interested.

  "It just means that sometimes you're forced to do things," said Grimma testily. "I don't think he actually drives anything."

  "Well, no. There wouldn't be the room down there, for one thing."

  Dorcas coughed. He seemed to be upset about something. Well, everyone was upset, but he was even more upset.

  "All right," he said quietly.

  Something about the way he said it made them pay attention.

  "You'd all better come with me," he went on. "Believe me, I'd rather you didn't have to."

  "Where to?" said Grimma.

  "The old sheds. The ones by the cliff," said Dorcas.

  "But they're all tumbled down. And you said they were very dangerous."

  "Oh, they are. They are. There's piles of junk and stuff in cans the children shouldn't touch and stuff like that."

  He twiddled his beard nervously.

  "But," he said, "there's something else. Something I've been sort of working on, sort of." He looked her in the eye. "Something of mine," he said. "The most marvellous thing I've ever seen. Even better than frogs in a flower."

  Then he coughed. "Anyway, there's plenty of room in there," he said. "The floors are just earth, er, but the sheds are big and there are lots of places, er, to hide."

  A snore from the human shook the office.

  "Besides, I don't like being so close to that thing," he added.

  There was a general murmur of agreement about this. "Had you thought about what you're going to do with it?" said Dorcas.

  "Some people wanted to kill it, but I don't think that's a good idea," said Grimma. "I think the other humans would get really upset about it."

  "Besides, it doesn't seem right," said Dorcas.

  "I know what you mean."

  "So ... what shall we do with it?"

  Grimma glared at the huge face. Every pore, every hair, was huge. It was strange to think that if there were creatures smaller than nomes, little people perhaps the size of ants, her own face might look likethat. If you looked at it philosophically, the whole thing about big andsmall was just a matter of size.

  "We'll leave it," she said. "But ... is there any paper here?"

  "Loads of it on the desk," said Nooty.

  "Go and fetch some, please. Dorcas, you've always got something to write with, haven't you?"

  Dorcas fumbled in his pockets until he found a stub of pencil lead.

  "Don't waste it," he said. "Don't know if I'll ever get any more."

  Eventually Nooty came back towing a yellowing sheet of paper. At the top of it, in heavy black lettering, were the words BLACKBURY SAND AND GRAVEL INC. Below that was the word INVOICE.

  Grimma thought for a while, and then licked the stub and, in big letters, started to write. "What are you doing?" said Dorcas. "Trying to communicate," said Grimma. She carefully traced another word, pressing quite hard.

  "I've
always thought it might be worth trying," said Dorcas. "But is this the right time?"

  "Yes," said Grimma. She finished the last word.

  "What do you think?" she said, handing Dorcas the pencil lead.

  The writing was a bit jagged where she had pressed hard, and her grasp of grammar and writing wasn't as good as her skill at reading, but it was clear enough.

  "I would have done it differently," said Dorcas, reading it. "Perhaps you would, but this is the way I've done it."

  "Yes." Dorcas put his head on one side. "Well, it's definitely a communication. You can't get much more communicating than that. Yes." Grimma tried to sound cheerful. "And now," she said, "Let's see this shed of yours."

  Two minutes later the office shed was empty of nomes. The human snored on the floor, one hand outstretched. There was a piece of paper in it now.

  It Said: BLACKBURY SAND AND GRAVEL INC.

  It said: INVOICE.

  It said: We Could of Kiled You. LEAV US ALONE.

  Now it was quite light outside, and the snow had stopped.

  "They'll see our tracks," said Sacco. "Even humans will notice this many tracks." "It doesn't matter," said Dorcas. "Just get everyone into the oldsheds."

  "Are you sure, Dorcas?" said Grimma. "Are you really sure this is a good idea?"

  "No."

  They joined the stream of nomes hurrying through a crack in the crumbling corrugated metal and entered the vast, echoing chamber of the shed.

  Grimma looked around her. Rust and time had eaten large holes in the walls and ceiling. Old cans and coils of wire were stacked willy-nilly in the corners, along with odd-shaped bits of metal and jam jars with nails in them. Everything stank of oil.

  "What's the part we ought to know about?" she said.

  Dorcas pointed to the shadows at the far end of the shed, where she could just make out something big and indistinct.

  "It just looks like ... some sort of big cloth ..." she said.

  "It's, um, underneath it. Is everyone in?" Dorcas cupped his hands around his mouth. "Is everyone in?" he shouted. He turned to Nooty. "I need to know where everyone is," he said. "I don't want anyone to be frightened, but I don't want unnecessary people getting in the way."

  "Unnecessary for what?" said Grimma, but he ignored her.

  "Sacco, you take some of the lads and get those things we put in the hedge," said Dorcas. "We'll definitely need the battery and I'm really not certain how much fuel there is." "Dorcas! What is it?" said Grimma, tapping her foot.

  Dorcas got like this sometimes, she knew. When he was thinking about machines or things he could do with his hands, he started to ignore people. His voice changed too. He gave her a long, slow look as if he were seeing her for the first time. Then he looked down at his feet.

  "You'd better, er, come and see," he said. "I shall need you to explain things to everyone. You're so much better at that sort of thing." Grimma followed him across the chilly floor as more nomes filed into the shed and huddled apprehensively along the walls.

  He led her under the shadow of the tarp, which formed a sort of big, dusty cave.

  A tire like a truck's loomed up a little way away in the gloom, but it was far more knobby than any she had seen. "Oh. It's just a truck," she said, uncertainly. "You've got a truck in here, have you?" "No," said Dorcas. "It's a Cat."

  Grimma's response was impressive. She spun around in an effort to see in every direction at once. "Where? Where?" she screamed. "You idiot! You brought us where there's a caty Dorcas said nothing. He just pointed upward.

  Grimma looked up. And then looked up some more. Into the mouth of the Cat.

  Chapter 13

  IV. Dorcas said, This is the Cat, Great Beast withteeth.

  V. Needs Must. If we are driven, let us Drive.

  -From the Book of Nome, Cat II, v. IV-V

  Sometimes words need music too. Sometimes the descriptions are notenough. Books should be written with soundtracks, like films.

  Something deep, on an organ, perhaps.

  Grimma stared. Soundtrack on: Deedle-dah-DEEdleDAHda-dum It can't really be alive, she thought desperately. It's not really aboutto bite me. Dorcas wouldn't have brought me in here if he knew there wasa monster about to bite me. I'm not going to be frightened. I'm notfrightened at all. I am a thinking nome and I'm not frightened'.

  "I think the knobby wheels are just to make it grip the ground better," said Dorcas, his voice sounding a long way off. "Now, I've had a goodlook around it and, you know, there's nothing really wrong with it, it's just very old-"

  Grimma's gaze travelled along the huge yellow neck.

  Deedle-dah-deedle-dah-DUM

  "Then I thought, I'm sure it could be started up. These diesel enginesare quite easy really, and of course there were pictures in one of thebooks, although I'm not sure about these pipes, hydraulics I think itscalled, but there was this book on one of the benches, Workshop Manual, and I've put grease on things and cleaned it up," Dorcas gabbled.

  Dah-dah-dah-DUM

  "I suppose the humans, or whatever, knew they would be coming back, andI've been up and looked at the controls and, you know, it's probablyeasier than the truck was, only of course there's these extra leversfor the hydraulics, but that shouldn't be a problem if there's enoughgas, which ..."

  He stopped, aware of her silence.

  "Is there something the matter?" he said.

  "What is it?" said Grimma.

  "I was just telling you," said Dorcas. "It's fascinating. You see, these pipes pump some sort of stuff which made those parts up there move, and those pistons are forced out, which makes the arm thing over there-"

  "I didn't ask you what it does, I asked you what lt is," said Grimma, impatiently. "Because I know one thing. It's not a cat, Dorcas."

  "You're wrong about that," said Dorcas. "See what's painted on it. Justup there, look."

  She looked where he pointed. Grimma's brow wrinkled.

  "C ... A ... T," she said. "Cat? But ... but ... Dorcas, that can't beright. Not really right. Look, a cat's got, well, whiskers. And hair. Andit's a whole lot smaller."

  "Dunno," said Dorcas, and he shrugged. "It's written right there. I'm notabout to argue with things that are written right there. Maybe it's a bigcat. Maybe all the whiskers dropped out a long time ago. You know? Likesome old nomes lose their hair?"

  "W-well," said Grimma, uncertainly. "But even the shape isn't right, and-"

  "What do I know about this?" said Dorcas. "I'm not an expert in naturalhistory. Anyway, come over to this side."

  She followed him dreamily, and, once more, stared into the darkness underthe tarp.

  "There," he said. "There's no mistaking what they are, I hope."

  "Oh, my," said Grimma, and raised her hand to her mouth.

  "Yes," said Dorcas. "That's what I thought. When I first found this Ithought, oh, it's a sort of truck, well, well, and then I walked up hereand I found that it was a truck with-"

  "Teeth," said Grimma, softly. "Great big metal teeth. A mouth at bothends?"

  "That's right," said Dorcas proudly. "The Cat. A sort of truck. A truckwith two heads. A truck with teeth."

  Dah-DUM

  "Does it-does it work?" said Grimma. "It should. It should. I've tested what I can. Basic principle is like a truck, but there's a lot of extra levers and things-"

  "Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Grimma demanded.

  "Dunno. Because I didn't have to, I suppose," said Dorcas.

  "But it's huge. You can't keep something like this to yourself!"

  "Everyone has to have something they can keep to themselves," said Dorcas vaguely. "Anyway, the size isn't important. It's just so, well, soperfect." Dorcas patted a knobby tire. "You know, you said humans thinksomeone made the world in a week? When I saw the Cat for the first time I thought, okay, this is what he used."

  He stared up into the shadows.

  "First thing we've got to do is get the tarp off," he said. "It'll be very heavy, so we'll
need lots of people. You'd better warn them. The Cat can be a bit scary when you see it for the first time."

  "Didn't frighten me a bit," said Grimma.

  "I know," said Dorcas. "I was watching your face."

  The nomes looked expectantly at Grimma.

  "The thing to remember," she said, "is that it's just a machine. Just a sort of truck. But when you first see it, it can be rather frightening, so hold on to small children's hands. And run smartly backward when thetarp comes down."

  There was a chorus of nods.

  "All right. Grab hold."

  Six hundred nomes spat on their hands and grasped the edge of the heavy cloth.

  "When I say pull, I want you to pull."

  The nomes took the strain.

  "Pull!"

  The creases in the tarp flattened out and disappeared.

  "Pull!"

  It began to move. Then, as it slid over the Cat's angular shape, its own weight started to tug at it.

  "Run!"

  It came down like an oily green avalanche, piling up into a mountain of folds, but no one bothered about it because the sun shone through thedusty, cobwebbed windows and made the Cat glow.

  Several nomes screamed. Mothers picked up their children. There was amovement toward the doors.

  The light twinkled on the tips of the teeth.

  It does look like a head, Grimma thought. On a long neck. And he's gotanother one at the other end. What am I saying? It has got another one atthe other end.

  "I said it's all right!" she shouted over the rising din. "Look! It's noteven moving!"

  "Hey!" shouted another voice. She looked up. Nooty and Sacco had climbedout along the Cat's neck, and were sitting there, waving cheerfully.

  That did it. The tide of nomes reached the wall and stopped. You alwaysfeel foolish, running away from something that isn't chasing you. Theyhesitated and then slowly inched their way back.

  "Well, well," said Granny Morkie, hobbling forward. "So that's whatthey look like. I always wondered."

  Grimma stared at her.

  "What what look like?" she said.

  "Oh, the big diggers," said Granny. "They'd all gone when I was born, butour dad saw 'em. Great big yellow things with teeth that et dirt, hesaid. I always thought he was having me on."