by Nina Manning
The path continued on to the pool at the very end of the lawn, but to my left was the beautifully pruned lawn that the family played croquet on, an activity I had often thought was silly. Yet today the lawn was full of adults and children alike, all fully clothed, with croquet sticks in their hands, whooping and laughing and having what appeared to be the time of their lives. I saw Caitlin at the far end of the grass, still dressed in tennis gear, a croquet stick in hand. She took one look at me and one hand went to her mouth as she stifled a laugh. After a moment or two, which felt like an excruciating hour, everyone went back to their games and I could see Chuck jogging over to me.
‘Hey, Sasha, how’s it going? You look like you’re all set for a swim.’
I looked down at my feet, shame swept over me.
‘Sasha, look at you, keen as mustard.’ I looked to my right; Ava had just emerged from the patio doors a little further along. ‘Everyone’s enjoying a jolly good game of croquet. Swimming is this afternoon now,’ Ava said.
‘It is rather hot already, Ava.’ Chuck looked towards the pool at the end of the garden. ‘I’ve been eyeing up that water since we finished tennis over an hour ago.’
‘Well, swimming is after luncheon. Now come on, Chuck, show me your croquet skills it’s been too lo…’
Ava’s voice faded to nothing as we both watched as Chuck pulled off his T-shirt, kicked off his shoes and to the horror of Ava and further embarrassment to me, he pulled his shorts down, to reveal a pair of bright red Y-fronts. Blood rushed to my cheeks. I heard a few audible gasps as Chuck began walking towards the pool. I looked around at the shocked faces of others. As he got closer, he sped up until he was running and then took a jump and cannonballed into the pool. Water cascaded over the edge and onto the hot, dry concrete slabs.
Once he had come to the surface again, he pulled his body up against the side of the pool. ‘Come on, Sasha, what are you waiting for? You didn’t put that costume on for nothing, did you?’
Ava’s face was now a contorted mess of emotions. I took one final glance at her before walking slowly towards the pool. I could feel the eyes of everyone on me, especially Ava’s. I was sure I would be in huge trouble, but something about Chuck’s boldness spurred me on. At the edge of the pool, I dropped my towel and pulled my goggles over my eyes. I felt conscious of my costume for a second and then Chuck was pulling me by my leg. I let my body slip down into the cool pool and I began treading water. As soon as I was in, Chuck was off swimming a length front crawl. As I began to swim towards Chuck, I looked up to see others pulling off layers and dropping like bombs into the pool around me. A boy and a girl who looked around my brother’s age were swimming ahead of me, whooping and splashing each other, and even two of the adults had slid in partially clothed.
I hadn’t seen Caitlin make an appearance yet, but as I reached the end of the pool and clung on to the side, I could see her on the grass. She hadn’t moved and then Ava was at her side. Ava’s face was red with anger and she was saying something to Caitlin. Caitlin didn’t look at her mother but dropped her croquet mallet and began walking away. But when she reached the edge of the pool where I was rested, she took one glance behind her at Ava, then she looked at me, raised her eyebrows an inch, then flung herself in the pool fully clothed.
11
London, July 2009
Two months until the wedding
* * *
Preparations for the wedding are in full swing and Caitlin is giving me even more free rein. I wonder if she suspects something, anything. This was just the way things had evolved. I hadn’t set out to betray her. I condoned my actions with the notion that if things were meant to be any different, then they simply would be.
At times, I am riddled with guilt; I am, after all, only human. I had sought more from Caitlin than she had ever been willing to give. And of course, there have been the times when she has not been the best friend she could have been to me and I have just been holding on, my fingers pressed firmly into the cracks of our relationship. But now I can feel myself slipping.
At least I have the distraction of Roxy, who has booked me to do the video content next week. I had quoted her three times what I had charged her for the blog and photos and she happily signed the contract. I haven’t stopped beaming since – it is the best gig I’ve bagged so far. And with that and organising the flowers for the wedding and making sure I am giving enough time and attention to Oscar, I feel done in. I used my common sense and have alternated the day I slip away from my desk at work. It had been foolish to think I could make a habit of something and for Oscar – who is the SAS of lie detection since Kelly’s deception – not to notice a pattern. I feel good that, for once, I have my life under some sort of control and that although I am balancing quite a few plates, I am able to keep everyone happy. For now.
But I sense the change coming; it’s all around me and in everything I do. Once Caitlin is married to Chuck, I know things might never be the same again.
Chuck is an honest man and once he says his vows, he’ll be committed to Caitlin. He has already been such a good friend and confidante to her for so many years. And soon he will be promising to care for her for the rest of his life.
The dynamics will shift and he’ll settle into his role of dutiful husband and all the stuff we have shared together over the years will fade to nothing, and eventually he might forget what he and I had and knew, and carry on his life with Caitlin.
Today as I drive home from my last appointment of the day, I feel good that I will be home before five. Oscar has asked me to be home for dinner as he has planned something special for us. It is rare for us to get time together, as we are both usually working, often late. As two people who run their own businesses, we too often find ourselves overrun with work when we should be making time for one another.
I open the door to the potent smell of garlic. I knew Oscar would make our favourite: garlic prawns for starters, followed by mushroom tagliatelle and then Mississippi mud pie for dessert. It is my absolute dream three-course meal. Even after all the years at Saxby being wined and dined on exquisite food and drink, I still love those three simple dishes because they were what Oscar and I had eaten on our first trip away together to Florida. I feel an overwhelming sense of nostalgia as I come through the hallway and everything that has been occupying my mind over the last few weeks simply disperses as I inhale those familiar flavours.
We do not have Immy this weekend, so it will be a quiet weekend, just for us.
‘What are we celebrating?’ I say once I have removed my coat and poured myself a small glass of white wine. That will be enough for me tonight.
‘Life, love and all the other stuff in between.’ Oscar sits down opposite me at our kitchen table and clinks my wine glass with his beer.
‘Oh, lovely,’ I say and take a long sip.
‘Except, here’s to you, babe. You worked so hard to get the Roxy contract and now look at how well you’re doing. It’s only going to go upwards with Space from now on.’
‘I know, I can’t believe my luck!’ I say.
‘It’s not luck, babe. You’ve worked hard, the way you work hard on everything. You always have. Your whole family are grafters, that’s why we get along so well – we’re not shy about getting our hands dirty. I couldn’t imagine being with a woman who wanted to paint her nails all day and have spas or whatever it is those kinds of women do.’ Oscar pauses and then looks straight into my eyes. Suddenly the atmosphere is charged and the look on his face means I don’t need to wonder what is coming next. I can hear the words before they’ve even reached his lips, and suddenly, I realise what all this is about. Of course, it was leading to this. But why am I feeling as though I want to run?
‘Babe.’ Oscar clears his throat, an action that feels unnecessary. ‘You know I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. And I know you thought that this couldn’t happen, after everything that I’ve been through, that I wouldn’t ever feel like I could trust
another woman enough again, but with you, I feel safe.’
Oscar pauses and smiles, his eyes twinkling. I think about what it means to be in an honest relationship and not withhold information from one another. Oscar is about to propose, and I am no better than his ex-wife, Kelly.
‘I know I said all that stuff about you not answering your phone but I was having a bad day. I think I made myself paranoid, that if I did this, that if I committed properly again, I could get hurt. But I know that can’t happen twice, cos surely no man could be that unlucky. At least not me – I pay my taxes, I work hard, I ring my mum once a week, and even your mum sometimes! But more than all that, I love you, Sasha, I love us, and I know you might never want kids – and I can handle that, we have Immy.’ Oscar stands up from the chair and falls to one knee.
‘Blimey, before the starter.’ I stutter out the words, knowing I need to say something but can’t quite believe this is happening. Why now? Oscar is usually so perceptive – he knows I have my plate full with Caitlin’s wedding. That is what I will tell him. I can’t tell him the significance of this year and all the other secrets I am hoarding.
‘But what I really want,’ Oscar continues, ‘is you, that’s all. Just you, with or without another little person in our lives. I trust you implicitly, and I trust you with my heart. So, Sasha, will you please marry me?’
I let out the breath I have been holding, and it escapes as a small laugh.
‘Sorry, sorry, I’m not laughing.’
‘It’s okay, really. Take your time, just don’t leave me hanging.’ Oscar is the one to let out the awkward laugh this time.
‘I won’t, I won’t.’ I can feel my heart pounding as though it might beat out of my chest. Then I hear my phone ping with a notification. ‘Sorry, sorry, I meant to turn it off.’
‘It’s okay, babe. It’s your job, I get it, look at it later.’
‘Of course.’
‘So?’ Oscar shifts on his knees. ‘It’s getting a bit uncomfortable down here. What do you say? Sasha, do you think we can do this?’
I can hear Oscar’s words coming at me, but I can still hear the echo of the phone notification in my ear. I receive all my messages from clients through emails, but it wasn’t the email tone. Of course, the text could be Mum, or Hunter, or one of my old school friends, but somehow, I know that this text is coming from someone else, someone that now they have texted, is in my head and marring what is supposed to be a beautiful and poignant moment.
I know the word I should have said, the word that should have flown out of my mouth so easily. I push the intrusion aside and try to bring myself back to this moment. Here I am with the man I love and had been with for four years, and he is asking me to marry him, but yet again my mind won’t allow me to put myself in a happy place. How can I say yes to Oscar and begin my life with him, when I still haven’t reached a place where I feel secure, where I feel I have arrived? Space is only just launching itself, and I feel hopeful it will evolve into a profitable business soon, but I am thirty-three. I don’t have a business that turns over millions like Caitlin’s does, I don’t have the house in the country, or the fourteen-million-pound property in London or the housekeeper. All those years I lived at Saxby, I felt the very essence of their wealth seeping into my soul. I thought that being surrounded by so much money and success would somehow rub off on me and that my transition into adulthood would be filled with endless financial opportunities. I thought by now, I would be doing better. And I know Caitlin thinks the same by the way she belittles my work.
I go to speak, to say something, anything to try and make Oscar understand. But he is standing up and walking away into the lounge. The word has not made it to my lips.
I look over to the side in the kitchen and see for the first time, champagne glasses and an ice bucket with a bottle poking out of the top.
I am suddenly very alone in the kitchen.
I walk over to my phone and pick it up. My finger swipes at the screen.
Chuck’s name is at the top and below his message:
We need to talk.
12
Saxby House, Dorset, News Year’s Eve 1988
Mum had been preparing all morning for the arrival of a few select guests who would arrive later that afternoon for dinner and to see in the New Year. I had been invited as Caitlin’s guest for the evening. Chuck and his family had arrived yesterday. I hadn’t seen him since Caitlin’s birthday in the summer, but between the three of us, we would be the only children – aside from Caitlin’s twin brothers, whom I rarely saw anyway as they were always with Natalie. In fact, I couldn’t remember ever seeing Ava with them without the nanny there.
Caitlin and I were both twelve and practically teenagers, so we felt as though we should be treated like adults. Caitlin had assured me that there would be champagne, of which we would be offered one glass each. She said once the adults had all each had a few glasses, there would be plenty left for us to have a few subtle sips more. I was a bit nervous, because I had only ever really sipped the froth off my dad’s beer before and pretended I was drunk, much to the amusement of my family. I wasn’t sure what Caitlin’s intentions were. Did she want us to get really drunk? I knew Caitlin had drunk before; how would I hide it from my family? My nerves were now a mixture of the prospect of my first real drink and the fear of letting Caitlin down if I declined. But I knew I couldn’t let her down. Caitlin would want me to drink some champagne with her tonight and I wanted to show her I was just as daring as she was.
It was freezing out, but Caitlin insisted we go and have a mooch around and work ourselves up for the four-course meal we had to sit through before the adults were drunk enough not to notice us. I had hovered in the doorway waiting for Caitlin to bundle up with anticipation for an appearance by Chuck, but there was no mention of him.
I wasn’t in the mood for walking, but we took a circuit around the entire gardens, bumping into Dad twice, laughing at how he had managed to overtake us to get ahead. But Dad knew these grounds like the back of his hand now and could weave in and out of hedgerows and hop over walls to get to where he needed to be.
We had just come back onto the driveway and there was Hackett standing by the outhouse next to the main house. Once again, I was surprised to see Caitlin’s behaviour change around him as she suddenly sped up, and I knew it was to get to him. This was a routine I had noticed whenever we saw him in the grounds. Once we had reached Hackett, Caitlin positioned herself so that she was between me and him, but I saw how her hand reached out and grazed the cuff of his shirt. Even though it was almost freezing, Hackett was walking around in a checked shirt with just a body warmer over the top, although he did have a blue knitted bobble hat on.
‘Are you going off home, Hackett?’ Caitlin didn’t look up at him as he spoke, but just focused on his sleeve.
‘I-I-I am… I am now,’ Hackett stuttered in his monotone voice.
‘Well, I guess I won’t see you, so can I wish you happy New Year now?’
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing again, this strange exchange between the gardener and Mrs Clemonte’s granddaughter. I wanted to ask Caitlin what this was all about; did she have some sort of crush on Hackett, or was it just another pointless game she was playing with him? Was she trying to prove something to me? Was it some sort of power trip? But I also knew that I would never ask her. It would just be added to the many other things about Caitlin that I had yet to figure out and probably never would. In all the time I had lived at Saxby, I had only actually spent nine of those weeks with Caitlin, I didn’t feel as if our friendship had reached the point where I could ask her something so personal.
Nine weeks was nothing really, but I felt like I had always known her, because how could someone who exhibited themselves in the way that Caitlin did have possibly existed all this time without me ever knowing her?
‘Wish… happy New Year. I forget how?’ Hackett had that confused expression across his face again.
‘Well, we ca
n shake hands, we can hug, or kiss. On both cheeks though.’ Caitlin carried on the conversation as though I wasn’t there.
I watched as Hackett bent down a little and Caitlin went in for a light peck on both cheeks. Then, she turned away from him, grabbed my hand and began a light skip, which I had to echo in order to fall into step with her. It was as though none of it had happened.
‘What’s wrong with Hackett?’ I asked when we were back in the courtyard, our cheeks flushed from the cold.
‘What’s wrong with him?’ Caitlin pulled off her gloves and shoved them in her pocket. ‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s the most normal person here.’
Caitlin went to walk in through the back door and I followed. She turned suddenly and looked at me. ‘Where are you going?’
I stood still and looked at her. ‘I’m coming in with you.’ I was thinking about the mug of hot chocolate that Judith had promised me. I was also keen to see her preparations for the dinner this evening. There was talk of a soufflé for starters, and I had never eaten soufflé before.
‘I’m going to have a lie-down. Then I promised Chuck a game of chess. Could you come over at six? Wear something, you know, suitable. You have a dress or something, don’t you?’
I stood rooted to the spot. My eyes were stinging with tears, which I could put down to the cold if Caitlin happened to notice. Which she did not. But I tried desperately to hold them back anyway, even though it felt hard to breathe. I knew I should have felt lucky I had been invited for a New Year’s dinner, but the stab of disappointment in my gut was hard to ignore. I thought about what I would do from now until six and tried not think about why Caitlin needed to have ‘a lie down’ at three in the afternoon. Then there was the issue of a dress. I didn’t have one. I hadn’t owned a dress since I was seven, and it would be too late to get to the shops now. I would disappoint everyone by turning up in something completely unsuitable. I didn’t think I would be able to go, and I wanted so desperately to go to the New Year’s Eve dinner. To sit and be treated like one of the grown-ups, laugh with Chuck and try, just as Caitlin had suggested, to sip some champagne. Being with the Clemontes and their friends, I felt like a different version of myself. A better version. I wanted to feel a part of it more and more.