by Nina Manning
I take a deep breath. ‘Right. Good.’ I’m still not sure of her sincerity, but I can’t imagine Caitlin with anyone else. It has only ever been her and Chuck.
* * *
By the time Caitlin is on her third double gin, she decides it’s a good idea to order us some shots. She has not eaten anything – the garlic bread I ordered for her, I ended up finishing myself. I sip my Baileys delicately whilst Caitlin knocks back two tequilas. I make the decision for both of us and begin navigating an unsteady Caitlin to the door.
My car is still parked in the car park of the bridal shop, so after much protestation, I manage to get Caitlin to start walking the few hundred metres back.
Half an hour later, we arrive at Caitlin’s six-bedroom Knightsbridge townhouse, a Grade II listed family house that she had picked up for a cool fourteen million several years ago. Having spent so many years living at Saxby, I am used to such splendour, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that Caitlin lives in a beautiful house. The self-contained staff flat next door with its own entrance, built for a live-in nanny, still stands empty. I wonder if Caitlin and Chuck will ever have any children.
Caitlin, who is barely able to stay upright, tries to fish her keys out of her bag. I take the bag from her and let us in. We are greeted by a flustered Rosalie, Caitlin’s Filipino maid, who works long hours in Caitlin’s already perfectly immaculate house. At Saxby, the décor was old and there was always the reminder that several children came to stay many times throughout the year. Here in Caitlin’s own home, the sofas never appear sat in, the kitchens are spotless; it’s like staying in a grand hotel. Even Rosalie wears a traditional black-and-white uniform like a hotel maid. Whenever I am here, I try to use the same energy I used when I was at Saxby: to feel the wealth and success enough that I can manifest it into my own life. I often wonder how things might have been different for me if I were the one with all the money. Would I be the one who was about to become Mrs Charles Everly-Beckwith?
There is no sign of Chuck; they are still splitting their time between his flat and here. I believe Chuck is intending on officially moving in after the wedding. And I’m glad it’s just me here; I haven’t spent any time with both Caitlin and Chuck together for many months.
I take Caitlin by the arm and steer her towards the closest kitchen. Rosalie looks on in bewilderment, repeating, ‘Miss Anderton,’ over and over. I assure her Caitlin’s fine and get her to the kitchen on the ground floor where I settle her on the chaise longue and go over to the pristine, sparkling kitchenette and flick on the kettle. I make a strong coffee and place it on the small table next to the Caitlin who is almost passed out; I think for a moment I can hear her snoring, but as I lean in closer, I realise she is not. I lean in even closer to make sure I’m not imagining it. And sure enough, I can hear Caitlin muttering. She had done it for two or three years when we were kids, before suddenly stopping. I had never heard her do it again, until now. Back then, I had never managed to get close enough to Caitlin when her murmurings began, but here I am able to get a better sense of what it was she saying, even if it were just the occasional word.
Caitlin’s mouth is moving, and occasionally I can make out a selection of words: ‘Tried… left me alone… come back… see you.’ And then her mouth stops moving, her breath deepens, and I realise she is asleep.
16
Saxby House, Dorset, April 1989
I was so glad to see some colour in the garden again. Before we moved to Saxby, I had never seen such an array of technicolour. Once winter came to Saxby, and the colours faded and the trees were bare, I missed them terribly. I had seen the white flowers that bordered the ground, which we were assured was wild garlic, but I had largely ignored them until Dad told me and Mum to get out there and start picking. Josephine gave Mum a recipe book for foraging called Wild Food For Free, and we were going to make a wild garlic salad with a wild garlic dressing for supper. It was nothing like Mum had ever made before, but Dad said she should be embracing country living. I wasn’t sure, but I said I would give it a go, even though I would have quite liked pizza and chips.
It was the Easter holidays, and I had just turned thirteen. Finally, I was a teenager. I knew Caitlin would be arriving later today and would be jealous that I had become a teenager before her. I hadn’t seen her since New Year. Easter, summer, and Christmas were the longest holidays at her private school, and during the half-term in February, she went skiing, and in the summer half-term she visited her other granny in Belgium. I was excited to see her again, as this was the longest period we had gone without seeing each other. Enough time had lapsed since the New Year’s Eve drama, although I still thought about that evening, but not nearly as much as I had during the weeks after it happened.
Caitlin and I had written to one another throughout the winter months, and Dad said we were like a pair of wartime lovers. Mum had given him a wide-eyed look and Dad pulled his mouth down in return; I wasn’t sure what either of their expressions meant.
Caitlin’s letters were full of hope, excitement and promises. I wished she would bring with her the Caitlin in her letters. I thought that maybe this would be the Easter we would settle into the friendship that we were meant to have.
I tried to ignore the other feelings that crept in, trying to overtake the joy, which was the emotion I wanted to feel about our friendship. After all, we were just two young girls, who shared passions and ideas and games, although some of which were occasionally at my expense. Mum said because Caitlin went to a private school, where there were higher expectations and longer working days, and she was raised by a nanny and not her own mother, her ideas of fun and games might not always be similar to mine. Mum had said all of this off her own back; I hadn’t shared any of my doubts about Caitlin to Mum, and I was sure she would tell me to stop hanging around with her immediately if I did. But she had a point. Caitlin had been raised differently to me, so her idea of play and friendship was a little different to mine. But I wouldn’t let it ruin the friendship we had. I was determined to make us work. I had never known anyone like Caitlin before; for all her faults and oddities, she amazed me and inspired me, and I was envious of all that she had. And just being around her family made me feel special, as if maybe one day I might have somewhere near the amount of wealth that they had.
Mum and I were at the very end of the driveway at the front gate where there was a particularly large bunch of wild garlic. Mum was in a straw hat and a yellow strappy dress as the temperature was already twenty degrees.
I heard the sound of the electric gates opening, and I immediately knew it was her. My skin began to prickle and the familiar fuzzy feeling in my stomach was back again. They weren’t due until late this afternoon, and I hadn’t had time to change out of the brown corduroy dungarees and grubby pink T-shirt I had put on to help Mum with the foraging.
Caitlin was sitting in the front seat, being driven by Natalie, with the twins in the back. As the trees cast a shadow over the car as it rounded the corner, I could just about make out a further figure in the back seat and as the shadows passed, I could see it was Chuck. It had been the same amount of time that I hadn’t seen him either, and a small flutter crept though my tummy that was different to the anticipation and excitement that I felt at seeing Caitlin, who gave me a wave that was so ferocious I thought she might throw her arm out of its socket. The window was wound down and Natalie slowed so they could all call their hellos. I felt myself colour at the unexpected reception, wishing again I was wearing something far more stylish.
‘See you in a minute?’ Caitlin shouted, leaning out of the window as Natalie accelerated and headed up the drive.
‘Madam’s back then. Suppose you’ll be leaving ya ma to pick this garlic on her own, won’t you?’ Mum raised her eyebrows, then turned back to a particularly bushy patch.
I looked at Mum’s back, bent down and waited for her to say something else.
‘Well, go on then – they’ll be at the main house by now.’
> I skipped off up the driveway and by the time I reached the main house, I saw Dad was already there, opening the car door for Natalie. Chuck was climbing out of the back seat and straight away I noticed he had grown in height and filled out. He would be fifteen now. Practically a man.
He must have heard my trainers crunching on the pebbles as he spun around, dropped his bag to the floor and threw his arms open wide.
‘Dear, dear, Sasha, it’s been too long.’ I fell awkwardly into his embrace. He smelt of laundry detergent and something sweeter, like strawberry bonbons. The embrace didn’t last long, because I felt a pair of arms between us as Caitlin pushed in, separating us.
‘Do put her down, Chuck.’ She elbowed Chuck aside and put her hands on my shoulders and squeezed them. Then she leant in and whispered quickly and suddenly into my ear. ‘I missed you.’ She released me and stepped back. ‘Let’s go and see what goodies Judith has for us. I bet there will be an Easter hunt this week, there always is. I don’t care that I’m too old, I just love chocolate, and I don’t see why the twins should get it all, do you, Sasha?’
‘Definitely not,’ I said, feeling an anticipation building for another few weeks of adventure. ‘Are you here alone this time?’ Caitlin knew I meant without Ava.
‘Mama isn’t coming until tomorrow now. We waited and waited, and then she told us to go ahead. A lunch with an old friend she couldn’t possibly miss.’ Caitlin rattled on as though she were repeating Ava’s words verbatim. ‘Papa is here already, I think, but too busy as usual.’ I saw a flicker of something that looked like frustration flash across Caitlin’s face.
She looked at me. ‘You look like you’re in The Brady Bunch.’ She leant forward and tugged on one of the plaits Mum had done in my hair this morning. I had forgotten about them. I was going to take them out before they arrived so my hair would have a kinky wave. I felt my face flush as I realised Chuck would have seen them too.
Caitlin let out a wild laugh and turned and ran into the house. She didn’t say to follow and after the New Year’s Eve incident when I went to follow and she told me to go home, I didn’t allow myself to run directly in her shadow.
Caitlin reached the top step of the back door and turned around.
‘Well, are you going to stand there all day?’
I broke into a run and joined her at the top of the steps where Pippy and Purdy were dancing their usual greeting ritual, spinning around, their tails wagging.
Dad was in the hallway, having kindly carried in some cases for Natalie. For a moment, I felt as though we were all in the same family and had just arrived at Saxby. I tried to imagine what it would actually feel like if my family were waited on for weeks and allowed to roam at their leisure instead of Mum cleaning and washing and making all the beds and Dad having to maintain such a huge garden.
I often wondered what it felt like to Caitlin to know that she was the next owner of such a huge amount of land and wealth. Did she see it in the same way as I did? Did she feel the weight of that wealth the way I felt it for her?
As usual, the smells hit me as I walk into the hallway behind Caitlin. Judith came out of the kitchen to greet Natalie and the twins, tweaking their cheeks and trying to tickle them under their chins. I watched as they squirmed their little bodies away from her chunky hands, as though it was an alien experience to them despite the fact she did it every time.
Then Judith, undeterred, moved on to Caitlin with hugs and kisses, and again I tried not to notice how Caitlin bristled as Judith wrapped her up in her arms.
‘You kids are in for a treat this week – so much chocolate I don’t know what to do with it all. Of course, it’s mainly for the little ones, isn’t it?’ she said and waited for Caitlin’s face to turn to a pout, which it did right on cue. ‘And for you, my darlin’,’ Judith said and tweaked Caitlin’s cheek just before she could pull herself from the grip.
Chuck stepped forward and put a strong arm around Judith’s broad shoulders. ‘Well, what an absolutely gorgeous day it is. The weather forecast for this week is glorious – have you seen it, Judith? Do try and get out and get some sun on those cheeks, don’t stay cooped up in here making such delicious fancies all week, will you?’
Judith and Chuck carried on their light conversation and I looked on with wonder at how easily Chuck, a young man at just fifteen, could stand and make conversation with a woman four times his age as though he were an adult himself and had lived a life so full. It all came to him so easily, and yet again I was thrust into a place where I felt envious of the people who came to stay here, where their lives seemed so relatively simple that they only had to worry about making small talk, all the while making it look so easy.
I suddenly felt the weight of Caitlin’s stare as she moved closer to me.
‘What are you doing, just standing there gawping?’
But because I was not as socialised or educated as Chuck or Caitlin, I was unable to put into words what it was I was feeling, and why I felt compelled to look. Besides, I would have been far too embarrassed for Chuck to hear me say that I was admiring him from afar.
‘Come on, let’s get out of here – it’s so stuffy, I’m getting a headache,’ Caitlin said so loudly and dramatically that Chuck and Judith stopped their conversation to look at her.
‘Oh no, deary, do you need some aspirin?’ Judith said.
‘There’s some in the bathroom upstairs I think.’ Maxwell’s voice floated through into the kitchen. I followed Caitlin out into the hallway where Maxwell was sorting through a pile of mail.
‘Papa!’ Caitlin pushed herself against his arm, and Maxwell patted her head like a dog.
‘Looking for aspirin, my dear girl?’ Maxwell kept his eyes on the mail in his hand.
‘Will you get it for me, Papa?’ Caitlin said in a voice that could have been mistaken for a five-year-old’s.
‘Sorry, darling, I have to get back to my study. Judith will get it for you.’ And he gave her a quick pat on the head and walked off down the hallway. I watched Caitlin’s face turn to a scowl.
Judith appeared behind Caitlin with a box of paracetamol. ‘Here you go, poppet. This was all I could find,’ Judith said.
‘No. I don’t need it. A walk will make it better,’ Caitlin said absently as she watched her father heading back down the hallway to his office. She stayed staring down that hallway even once his door had been firmly shut. Judith came up behind her and placed one hand gently on her shoulder. Caitlin shrugged herself away, grabbed my hand fiercely and dragged me out of the back door.
We walked across the wildflower meadow, which was just beginning to come back into itself again. I had missed it when it was mowed down in the autumn, but it grew back again rapidly, and now I could see a few flowers beginning to emerge on the tops of some of the stalks. I ran my fingers along them and listened to the quietness of where I was, a silence so overwhelming I was sure I felt it in my bones.
‘Oh, do come on, Sasha,’ Caitlin called, dragging me out of my meditative state.
‘What’s the rush? We’re only going to the woods—’ I almost bumped into Caitlin where she had stopped right in front of me. I could see the freckles on the bridge of her nose and smell a sourness on her breath, she was so close.
‘Well, if it’s so boring, why don’t you go back to your little cottage and help your mother do something even more boring!’
She turned on her heel and stormed off through the rest of the wildflower meadow, sending butterflies fluttering off as she did. We had always been told to walk carefully and quietly through the meadow, as it was home to so many insects. But right now, Caitlin had no care. And I thought I knew why.
I had watched her whole demeanour change when Maxwell said he couldn’t fetch her some aspirin. I thought about my dad and how giving he was with his time, not just with me and Mum and Hunter, but also with the whole of the Clemonte family. Nothing was too much trouble for him. I felt sad for Caitlin, because it wasn’t fair on her that her father was alway
s too busy to do a simple thing like fetch his only daughter some painkillers. At the same time, it still felt bad in my tummy whenever she dismissed me.
‘Hey, wait up,’ I shouted after her, and cautiously made my way through the meadow as carefully as I could.
We made it into the woods and found our favourite spot, and I felt the happiness wash over me. It was so cosy in here; I felt so protected by the trees and it was always a few degrees cooler than outside. I loved the smell of the warm bracken. The woods had transformed so much since our first summer here together; Dad had given us offcuts of tree trunks, which we dragged through the meadow on a small cart, and we made a den out of branches pressed against a low-hanging tree and put some of the tree stumps inside and some outside in a semi-circle. We also added old pots full of flowers that had dried out and died since our last visit; I would remember to bring some fresh with me next time. Contemplating such a task made me feel like a mother, but not like the mums-and-dads games we played as very young kids. I felt like a proper homemaker, and I took pride in looking after our little spot in the woods and I knew Caitlin did too. Last summer, she had begun making some intricate pebble art in the mud, with all pebbles of all different shapes and sizes. The pattern swirled into a wave, and it was really quite special. Caitlin stooped and looked at it, probably wondering how to expand the design even further. Around that we had pressed flowers into the mud and in a small pot were some water and petals, left over from last winter, which was supposed to be a love potion. Unfortunately, they amounted to nothing, as neither me nor Caitlin found love.
Although there was a lad, Henry, at school who had taken quite an interest in me, and I wondered if now was the time to talk to Caitlin about it. But she seemed so distracted after the incident with Maxwell, I decided to keep it to myself.
She had begun moving away bits of twigs and leaves, using her foot as a brush it felt good giving the camp some sort of facelift after the winter months – when she stopped and turned her head in towards the woods.