Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Shoots and Scores

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  TAKING THE GOLD FOR GRANTED

  For nearly 40 years, Canada so dominated international hockey that the country could send senior amateur teams of no great distinction to the World Championship and the Olympics and win with little trouble. But on a Sunday morning in 1954, Canadian fans woke to bad news: The country’s representatives, the East York Lyndhursts from a Toronto senior league, had been whipped 7–2 by a Soviet national team in its first try at the world “amateur” championships. Even those Canadians who usually paid little attention to the game complained that the country should send a better team overseas. Over the next seven years, the Canadian entry was upgraded to topnotch senior clubs and won four times. But after 1961, the country’s best amateurs could not match the Europeans, especially the Soviets.

  Even as Canada lost, though, including a valiant but futile six-year attempt by a national team of young players through the 1960s, Canadians smugly said that the Soviets were only winning because Canada’s best 400 or so players were involved in pro hockey; NHL players would surely defeat the Soviets and other Europeans easily. After several years of negotiations, a series (the Summit Series) of eight games between the Soviets and Team Canada, comprising the best NHL players, was set for 1972.

  Only a handful of Canadian observers familiar with international hockey predicted that the Soviets would be able to beat the glittering array of NHL stars. Not even the absence of two great players from the Canadian lineup—defenceman Bobby Orr, who had a knee injury, and Bobby Hull, who had jumped from the NHL to the rival WHA—dampened Canada’s optimism.

  TEARS FOR JEERS

  The series received a huge buildup when it opened on a Saturday evening in late August at the Montreal Forum, and in one of the biggest shocks in hockey history, the Soviets skated to a 7–3 victory. The mastery of the quick, meticulously conditioned, and highly skilled Russians was dazzling. The Canadians rebounded to win the second game in Toronto, and then the clubs played a tie in Winnipeg. In the fourth game (the last in Canada), fans in Vancouver booed the home side’s 5–3 loss, prompting star center Phil Esposito to plead for support on national television because the players “tried, we gave it our best…Some of our guys are really down in the dumps…I mean, we’re doing the best we can.”

  GREAT WHITE NORTH STRIKES BACK

  After a ten-day break, the series resumed in Moscow, and the Soviets won the first game there for a commanding 3–1–1 edge in the series. Even a tie in one of the three remaining games would give them the series. Throughout the series, a strength for the Canadians was the forward line of young center Bobby Clarke, two years into his excellent career with the Philadelphia Flyers, flanked by good but not top-level Toronto Maple Leafs wingers Ron Ellis and Paul Henderson. The line had played solid two-way hockey in every game, the trio’s speed of much value on the larger ice surface in Moscow. With Esposito playing magnificently and emerging as the team leader, the Canadians slowly gained good conditioning and battled back to win the sixth and seventh games, with Henderson scoring the winning goals in both.

  In game eight, Canada trailed 5–3 entering the third period but tied the score by the 13th minute on goals by Esposito and Yvan Cournoyer. The game and the series appeared certain to end in a tie as the teams hit the final minute. Responding to Henderson’s urgent cries from the bench, Pete Mahovlich came off to allow Henderson to rush headlong toward the Soviet goal, take a shot at goalie Vladislav Tretiak, and fall into the endboards. Esposito snared the puck when a defenceman mishandled it and shot just as Henderson was scrambling for the front of the net. Tretiak stopped that shot and another one by Henderson on the rebound. But then Henderson snared his own rebound and fired it past the valiant Soviet goalie to win the series.

  JUST COLLEGE KIDS

  Many of the Soviet players from the 1972 Summit Series also traveled to the Lake Placid Olympics eight years later. The U.S. team of college players, coached by the hard-driving Herb Brooks, fought its way to a shot at a medal. And even though the Soviets were considered a lock for the gold, as the tournament progressed, it became obvious that the swift, skilled American kids had a real chance.

  The key game was the semi-final round: Team USA versus the Soviets. After the first period, with the score tied, 2–2, Coach Viktor Tikhonov pulled Tretiak, replacing him with Vladimir Myshkin. That seemed to give the Americans a shot of adrenaline, and with U.S. goalie Jim Craig stopping most of the what the Soviets threw at him, the Americans were in a 3–3 tie halfway through the third period. Eruzione, the only non-college player on the U.S. roster (he played minor-pro), snapped home a 25-foot shot that led to broadcaster Al Michael’s famous line: “Do you believe in miracles?” The U.S. Team clinched the gold medal by defeating Finland 4–2 in final to join the ranks of the most-revered sports heroes in American history.

  AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

  By 2010, America’s place as a contender in international hockey was long established, but the country had a new rival: Team Canada. The neighbors met in the men’s hockey final at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

  That year, Team Canada was favored to win hockey gold, and having the homefield advantage certainly couldn’t hurt. But the Canadians started off slowly, losing a preliminary game to the Americans, and one of their stars Sidney Crosby (nicknamed “Sid the Kid” and “the Next One”) was pointless in both the quarter and semifinal rounds. Still, during the final game, with just 24.4 seconds left, the Canadians were up 2–1 and winning seemed assured…until the Americans pulled their goalie and managed to flip a tying goal into the Canadian net. While the Americans celebrated, Team Canada (and their red-and-white-clad fans in the arena and on the streets of Vancouver) was stunned. Were the Canadians—hockey’s elite—really going to lose Olympic gold on their own turf to the U.S.?

  The game went into sudden-death overtime, and after just seven-and-a-half minutes came the shot all of Canada was waiting for: Jarome Iginla fed Sidney Crosby the puck, “the Kid” shot…and scored, sending fans all across Canada to their feet. For Crosby, who grew up shooting goals into a dryer in the basement of his family’s Nova Scotia home, it was a childhood dream come true: “Being in Canada, that’s the opportunity of a lifetime. You dream of that a thousand times growing up. For it to come true is amazing.”

  PARIS HILTON: HOCKEY PLAYER

  And a few other celebrity hockey stories you may not have heard.

  STEVE CARELL. The star of TV’s The Office and films like The 40-Year-Old Virgin grew up in Massachusetts and started playing hockey as a kid. He’s kept it up, too, telling Playboy magazine in 2005 that he had joined the Burbank Sharks, an amateur hockey team in Southern California. “We’re very bad,” he said. “What I lack in physical ability, I make up for in poor coordination.” According to the Sharks’ Web site, Carell is still on the roster in 2011. Favorite team: Boston Bruins.

  AVRIL LAVIGNE. The Canadian pop sensation grew up in Napanee, Ontario, and has been playing hockey since she was a kid, even playing on an all-boys-league team. You can even see a video of her playing as a youngster on YouTube. Well, she’s not really playing in the video, she’s actually trying to beat up the opposing goalie, and getting ejected from the game. (She’s only 10 years old in the video.) Favorite team: Toronto Maple Leafs.

  CUBA GOODING JR. Gooding didn’t play as a kid, but he’s made up for it: “I picked up ice hockey about 10 years ago,” he told ESPN in 2003. “And, being a celebrity, I’ve had the opportunity to play in celebrity games and in pickup games in L.A. with Mario Lemieux, Luc Robitaille, and a lot of the guys who play on the Kings.” Gooding still plays in charity games today, and, if being able to play with Mario and Luc didn’t make you jealous—he also has an ice rink in his back yard. Favorite team: Los Angeles Kings.

  PARIS HILTON. No, she did not play air hockey. (Ba dum bum.) Hilton actually played on the ice hockey team of Canterbury School, a prep school for fabulously wealthy kids in Connecticut. It doesn’t seem to have made a big impression on her, thoug
h: When asked during a 2007 interview what position she played, she answered, “I don’t know. I would always move around, I wasn’t just one position.” Favorite team: She can’t remember.

  ALAN THICKE. Best known as the father in the series Growing Pains, Thicke (yet another Ontario native) has played hockey his entire life. And it ain’t for show: “During one of the pickup games, I got in the way of a slap shot,” Thicke said of a 2003 incident, “and it cost me five teeth and 30 stitches.” Bonus: He once had his nose broken during a celebrity hockey game…by Gordie Howe. Favorite team: Toronto Maple Leafs.

  WYATT RUSSELL. He’s not the biggest star on the list—he’s the son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, and has appeared in some films and television shows over the years—but he’s the only one who’s a pro hockey player. Russell has been a goaltender for junior league teams all over North America and Europe since 2003. Until 2010 Russell was goalie for the Groninger Grizzlies, a professional team in the Netherlands. (He apparently left the team in 2011 to work on a film.) Favorite team: Unknown.

  DENIS LEARY. If you watch Leary’s latest TV show, Rescue Me, it’ll be no surprise that Leary plays hockey, as his firefighting character plays the game in several episodes. Leary grew up playing in Worcester, Massachusetts, and played for his high school, St. Peter-Marian High School…but he got thrown off the team because he couldn’t keep up a C-minus average. He still participates in benefit games on a regular basis. Favorite team: Boston Bruins.

  KEANU REEVES. Reeves hails from Toronto and played goalie for De La Salle College (a high school) there; one year, he was even voted team MVP. According to people in the know, he’s still pretty good. “I’ve been playing since I was eight years old,” he told Top Shelf Hockey Magazine. “I still have all my goaltending equipment and try to play as much as I can in California leagues.” Favorite team: Toronto Maple Leafs.

  TIM ROBBINS. Robbins grew up playing in New York City, and plays in several charity games a year and even in pickup games at public rinks. But he says he’s got to be careful: “Ice hockey is a really cerebral game,” Robbins told The Guardian in 2010. “It can be a beautiful ballet. But I have to keep my head up when I am playing as there’s always that a**hole who recognizes you and wants to tell their friends how they laid Tim Robbins out on the ice.” Favorite team: New York Rangers.

  A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE RINK

  A few hockey men have taken a funny look at the game’s serious side to remind us that it is just a game.

  Former NHL head coach Harry Neale is a man who can see a funny side to most situations in hockey and life, and give it a verbal spin to make others chuckle. Little wonder that Neale became one of the best analysts of televised hockey and a mainstay of Hockey Night in Canada from 1986 to 2008.

  NEALE’S KNEE-SLAPPERS

  During his coaching days, Neale became the media’s favorite interview because of his countless one-liners. During a losing stretch when he was coach of the Vancouver Canucks, Neale originated a line used by many coaches over the years: “We’re losing at home and we can’t win on the road. My failure as a coach is that I can’t think of any place else to play.” When Canucks goalie Curt Ridley dove out of the net after a loose puck, injured both knees, and had to be taken off the ice on a stretcher, Neale was asked if he seen such an occurrence before. “No, I never have,” Neale said with a deadpan expression. “It’s pretty good, too, because the NHL record is three.”

  Other memorable Neale descriptions of his team:

  “Our best system of forechecking this season is shoot the puck into the other team’s zone—and leave it there.”

  “We have too many guys who are small but slow.”

  “We have a couple of defencemen with really bad hands. We can let them rush once a game—then we have to replace the pucks.”

  QUIPS FROM THE CREASE

  That goalie John Garrett logged time with the Canucks during Neale’s regime is appropriate; their discussions had to be side-splitting. Garrett was a handy man with a quip and it’s no surprise that he, too, has had a post-playing career as a television commentator. In reality, Garrett had a serious side and had completed university credits while playing junior hockey, studies he continued by correspondence and summer school while a pro. After all, his father was a high school principal.

  After landing good marks in high school Latin, Garrett studied it at the college level. When he was questioned about the usefulness of a dead language, he replied, “It will be handy to have it if I ever meet an ancient Roman because we’ll be able to have a great conversation.” Garrett also studied Hebrew briefly while playing with the Quebec Nordiques. His goaltending partner, Dan Bouchard, was a devout born-again Christian, which inspired Garrett to call them “the perfect tandem.”

  “Dan can make contact with all those biblical characters up above, then I can translate what they say for him.”

  AND THEIR FATHER WAS A BIT SQUIRRELLY

  Then there were the Plager brothers, Barclay, Bob and Billy, three tough, hearty, self-deprecating defencemen from northern Ontario who were serious about everything on the ice, full-time laughers off it. The sons of longtime amateur hockey referee Gus Plager, Barc and Bob had long NHL careers with the St. Louis Blues, and Billy a shorter stint with three teams.

  With Bob as the leading laugh-getter, the Plagers specialized in tales about growing up in hockey hotbed Kirkland Lake. “In Kirkland Lake, they called our father ‘Squirrel’ because he raised three nuts,” Bob said. “If we had a disagreement, Gus would send us into the backyard to settle it. I would beat up Bob, Bob would beat up Bill, [and Bill] would go down the street and beat up our cousin, who never could quite figure out why he was always getting pummeled when he hadn’t done anything.”

  BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY

  In junior hockey, Barclay (with Peterborough) had a fight with Bob (with Guelph) that is part of hockey folklore. They used sticks, fists, and even tried a few kicks. They fought on the ice, in the arena corridors and the dressing rooms. Both were cut and bleeding at the finish. When they had a post-game meeting in a restaurant, everyone expected the furniture to fly. “Barc just wanted to borrow five bucks and tell me that our mom was complaining that I didn’t write home enough,” Bob said.

  Bob’s specialty was jokes about Scotty Bowman, who coached the Blues to the Stanley Cup final in the first three years of their existence and brought the Plagers to the team. “Scotty once told me that the higher up you are to watch a game, the slower it looks,” Plager said, “and when I watch you, Plager, I figure I’m on the Starship Enterprise.” Barclay best defined the hockey fighter’s credo when he said, “It’s not how many fights you win; it’s how many you show up for.”

  COACH’S CHUCKLE

  While not all coaches had Neale’s wit, a few others overcame the tendency of the job to turn men dour. Another man who later found success in television was Don Cherry, who turned coaching the Boston Bruins into great fun in the 1970s. Cherry became a fixture on Hockey Night in Canada with his outspoken “Coach’s Corner” segment. Cherry had an 18-season playing career, all in the minors except for one 1955 game with the Bruins. “When I was a kid, I prayed for enough talent to be a pro hockey player,” Cherry said. “I forgot to say NHL, though, because they only gave me enough to make the minor leagues.” Another coach who was always quick with the quip was Fred Shero, who guided the Philadelphia Flyers in their Broad Street Bully days. Once asked what it was like to live life in the fast lane, Shero replied, “I don’t live in the fast lane; I live on the off-ramp.”

  * * * * *

  “Sometimes when I make a good save I yell out, ‘Woo-Hooo!’ I’m not sure why, but it just feels good. I don’t think I scare anyone or freak anyone out when I do it. I just like to holler when I make a tough stop.”

  —Marc-Andre Fleury

  WAS THE MAJOR A KERNEL?

  Through history, many NHL team owners have been off-the-wall characters but few were as eccentric as Major Frederic
McLaughlin.

  Conn Smythe, founder and longtime owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, supplied a strong assessment of Major Frederic McLaughlin, owner of the Chicago Black Hawks for their first 18 NHL seasons: “Where hockey was concerned, McLaughlin was the strangest bird,” said Smythe, himself a unique personality. “In fact, he was the biggest nut I met in my entire life.”

  SPELLING NOT A STRONG POINT AT HARVARD

  Son of a wealthy coffee importer, McLaughlin was a Harvard grad and a top polo player who commanded the 33rd Machine Gun Battalion of the U.S. Army’s 85th Blackhawk Division in World War I. Purchasing the Chicago franchise during the 1926 NHL expansion into the U.S., he picked the name Black Hawks for his team. The two-word spelling was used until research in the 1990s revealed that the army division employed the one-worded Blackhawks, and the official name was adjusted. Through his days as Hawk owner—and often as general manager—McLaughlin fought never-ending skirmishes against the other owners.

  GOODNIGHT IRENE

  A tall man of almost regal bearing, McLaughlin was a major figure in Chicago society in the Roaring Twenties. He had married Irene Castle, the widow of Vernon Castle, her partner in a popular dance team featured in Broadway shows and nightclubs. Irene designed the black and white uniforms worn by the hockey team, and the aboriginal head crest resembling Chief Black Hawk, a Sauk tribal leader in the Illinois region during the early 1800s. The uniform outlasted Irene. In a 1937 divorce action against McLaughlin, Irene claimed that their palatial suburban home was so chilly that her three dogs had to wear sweaters in the house.