by Bea Paige
“Ah,” she says. “About that…”
I can feel my face flushing, which is almost as embarrassing as my hard-on. A gentle tug pulls within me and my cock twitches. If she does that again, it’s game over. I’ll have to snatch her away or tell Gabe and Ether to fuck off.
“Any more dreams, Fern?” Ether cuts in, saving me from further awkwardness. She turns to face him, successfully distracted by his question.
“No, not since the last one,” Fern sighs, worry creasing her brow suddenly. Why does he do that? Why remind her of the one thing that makes her afraid? Why bring the subject up when he was the one who insisted we keep it secret? He’d successfully convinced Fern the dream wasn’t real and now here he is, bringing up the matter again.
“You’re still concerned about the dream?” Ether asks casually. He shoots me a look and I swallow hard. The truth we’ve kept from Fern weighs heavy on me. The guilt successfully deflates my desire. We all know that Blake was searching for a girl called Dani when we saw him last and Fern’s dream only confirmed it was indeed her friend. Not to mention the fact we’d convinced Fern the dream wasn’t real, that Dani isn’t one of the five, that she is safe, when truthfully, we have no proof that’s true. I swallow the bile in my throat.
“I can’t help it. I know what you said, Ether, and I trust you. But something doesn’t feel right. I can’t explain it. It was so real. She changed form in front of me. She knew so much, she said I could speak to her any time…”
Gabe catches my eye. Unlike Ether, I know exactly what he’s thinking because it’s the same thing I’m thinking too. We need to own up. We need to tell Fern about Blake, about the fact that both he and his pack were searching for Dani after Edrin, a rogue wolf-shifter, had kidnapped her. Keeping the truth from her is not good for any of us, least of all our relationship. Fern wanted the truth at all times and keeping this from her isn’t sitting well with me.
“She could be in wolf form, perhaps that’s why she can’t…” Gabe’s eyes widen, and he slams his mouth shut. Ether glares at him.
“What are you talking about, Gabe?” Fern asks, looking between us all. None of us say a word. Fern’s eyes narrow. If she didn’t know we were keeping things from her before, she does now. Her wing snaps out from behind her, the tip of it resting under Gabe’s chin, forcing him to face her. A light sheen of sweat from our training session is covering her skin. I can see the already defined muscles of her stomach pulling taut as she holds herself and her outstretched wing steady. Her strength is nothing short of incredible.
“Gabe. You’re talking as though my dream was real. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I meant nothing by it…”
“Gabe, you’re lying to me. What’s going on?” This time her voice is low, there is a warning note to it. We really should have told her sooner. Fuck.
Ether sighs, and her head snaps to face him. He looks at her for a long moment. Then, scraping a hand over his face, he finally tells the truth.
“Back in Ever Vale I helped a wolf-shifter called Blake escape from Queen Adrielle’s castle. He was being held prisoner, tortured for information by Abanthe.”
“The same Abanthe that tried to kill us? The same creature we’re hiding from in here.”
“Yes, that’s right,” Ether confirms.
“Go on.”
“Accacia and Clan Lux owed him a debt. I set him free upon their request,” Ether explains.
“Why was he a prisoner?”
“He was caught in the flatlands searching for someone…”
“Searching for who, Ether?” Fern says the words slowly. The tension in the air has changed suddenly. We all know, including Fern, that she isn’t going to like what he says next.
“Who, Ether?” Fern insists.
“Dani,” Gabe answers for him.
“Why would he need to find Dani? You said she was safe. You said she wasn’t one of the five. You said I was worrying over nothing!” she screams, her voice breaking on a sob.
“I’m sorry…” Ether’s shoulders drop.
“I don’t want to hear your apologies. I want to know what happened,” Fern snaps. She’s livid. I’ve never seen her angrier, or more beautiful.
“Dani was taken by a wolf-shifter named Edrin,” Gabe interjects. Her wing is still held under his chin, and he lifts his hand, attempting to gently push it away. She glares at him, and his hand falls away.
“Taken as in a trip to the fucking seaside, or taken as in kidnapped against her will?”
Ether sighs, looking at me for help.
“Dani was kidnapped,” I interject. “I’m sorry, Fern, we should have told you earlier, but when you told us about your dream with Dani it sounded like she wasn’t in any danger and Ether… we didn’t want to concern you unnecessarily,” I say, not wanting the blame to fall squarely on his shoulders. Gabe and I are just as guilty for not speaking up.
“Didn’t want to concern me? You think that finding out almost a week later that my best friend has been kidnapped and you failing to tell me would be something I’d be okay with? You think lying to me after everything I’ve said is something I can live with?!”
Her wing snaps back into place, she barely even winces. She’s achieved in less than a week what took months for the rest of Clan Vitae to accomplish. Her strength is astonishing. We should never have doubted that she wouldn’t be emotionally and mentally capable in the same way. That was a mistake.
“What did I say to you all the first day I woke up here?”
Ether flinches. She waits.
“You asked us not to lie,” he says eventually. He holds her gaze, his stubbornness matching her own.
“So, what is this, if not a damn lie?” Her whole body is shaking. Any minute now she is going to lose her shit. If I don’t say something to calm the situation we could lose her trust completely, if we haven’t already. I need to salvage the situation. We’re fucking fools.
“Fern, it was wrong. We shouldn’t have kept this from you,” I begin, taking a step towards her. She holds her hands up. I try and emphasise my apology through our connection.
“Don’t,” she warns me. “What else have you lied about?” she accuses, her anger making way for hurt now.
Then, as though remembering something she’d forgotten, she glares at Ether. “Back at my house, before we came here, you mentioned my mother, Celeste. You said she sent me away to save me. But how did she know about the curse, about what Queen Adrielle intended? Your explanation always felt a bit off. So now we are finally getting shit out in the open, I want to know exactly what happened back then. Don’t you dare think about lying to me.”
Ether glances at me. I nod.
“No more secrets,” I sign.
Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t told her already, though it has never really come up in conversation. How do you tell someone their mother was part of the reason the curse was cast? That she had a hand at murdering an innocent, unborn child, especially given Celeste’s status in the clan and her exceptional gift at bringing life into the world. Fern calls people like us Midwifes, we call them Life Bringers, and yet her mother helped to destroy life all those years ago. It may never have been her intention, but it happened nonetheless and this curse over all the clans is the consequence of Queen Adrielle’s wrath. The loss of her baby, her pain, it’s so tightly wrapped up in it.
“Your father, Eos, alongside the other clan leaders, were spelled into loving Queen Adrielle. She claimed them as her own with the intention of taking their clans and making them hers. From the very beginning she set out to rule all of Ever Vale. What better way to do that than to take the leaders as her own?” Ether explains.
Fern is mute. Not saying a word, not moving a muscle, just listening.
“Your mother, alongside the other clan leaders’ wives, set out to poison Queen Adrielle and reclaim their husbands and their clans. Only the poison didn’t kill Adrielle, it killed her unborn baby instead,” Gabe says.
�
�What?!” Fern backs away from us, her eyes wide.
I hold out my hand. “She didn’t know. None of the wives did.”
“My mother killed an unborn baby…” She looks up at me. “How far gone was Queen Adrielle?”
I breathe in deeply. “Almost full-term.”
“And you tell me they didn’t know?” Fern’s voice rises.
“I believe they didn’t, but I can’t be certain,” I say.
Fern laughs hysterically. “It’s pretty hard to miss, Mihr. That baby was as innocent as the babies you now take to stay alive. None of this is right. Not what they did to her, not what she’s done to you all.”
“Queen Adrielle has made us suffer a thousand times over. She’s responsible for all the lives we’ve taken…” Gabe pleads.
“I know that.” Fern is shaking so much that her teeth are chattering. I want to hold her so bad my own body hurts from staying away.
“But that doesn’t make it right, what they did,” she continues.
“She took their husbands. She took their love, she abused her power, Fern. She is not to be pitied. Not now, not ever. Even her own brother has condemned her. There is no humanity left in her,” Ether says.
“No, that was taken the moment her child was.”
Ether steps forward. “That isn’t the case. Perhaps her evil worsened, but she was always evil, Fern. We’ve all paid repeatedly for her loss. The babies we’ve taken, the mothers who’ve suffered because of us, the thousands of people who live under her rule. We live in a cycle of birth and death, over and over again. We are all punished. Her wrath, her pain, it’s never ending. How long must we all suffer?”
“You’re paying for my mother’s mistake,” Fern says flatly.
“No, we pay for Queen Adrielle’s. She started this. Don’t ever forget that, Fern.” Ether steps forward, reaching for her.
“Stay away from me… I can’t…” She stumbles backwards. I feel her pain, her despair, as much as I know Ether and Gabe do.
A sudden anger fills me. Not at Fern, never her, just at the situation we’re in. It tears me up that she feels so much hurt. None of this is her fault. None. And yet I see her mother’s mistake land heavy on her shoulders, our mistake too for holding back the truth. Not telling her about Dani was stupid. Her wings are burden enough, she doesn’t need that guilt and heartache on top of it, least of all the feeling of betrayal.
Despite Fern’s demand, I take another step towards her. “Tell me this, Fern, even if we had told you, what difference would it have made? You cannot change what is done. You cannot change the past. You cannot change the sins of your mother. You cannot change ours. None of it. Your mother’s decision was her own. Rightly or wrongly, she was trying to prevent an evil from spreading. I’m sorry you’re hurt. We should have been honest with you about her, about your friend Dani. We shouldn’t have kept anything from you. We can’t undo that, but please know it wasn’t for selfish reasons. Every single decision made is to protect you.”
“I asked you not to lie…” she repeats.
“From what you told us, Dani didn’t appear to be in any danger. I thought I was doing the right thing,” Ether says.
“I’m not weak. I don’t need protecting from the truth, no matter how hard you might think I’d take it. I respect you all enough to be honest with you about everything. I expect that in return, no exceptions.”
“I won’t be made to feel bad for trying to do what is right. I’ve been protecting all of us for years. I won’t stop now,” Ether says, his stubbornness shining through.
“And look where that’s got you. You can’t even tell Gabe how much you’re in love with him. How you long for him. Tell me, are you protecting me and Gabe by not telling us the truth, or yourself?” Fern retorts sharply.
Ether’s face pales. Gabe looks between Fern and Ether in shock, but she isn’t finished yet. Fern rounds on Gabe and me.
“Just because Ether is your self-proclaimed leader, it doesn’t mean you have to go along with everything he suggests. Either one of you could have told me.” I feel the disappointment and hurt roll off her in waves. She turns on her heel and strides towards the door.
“Where are you going, Fern?” Ether asks. I can hear the tremble in his voice that he’s trying to hide. The change in him is imperceptible, but if I can see it, I’m pretty sure Gabe and Fern can too. A piece of the wall has crumbled through fear of losing Fern. But revealing himself now only serves to fuel her anger more.
“Out.”
“Fern, you can’t leave, you aren’t able to fly…” The moment Ether says the words I know it’s a mistake. Fern takes one look at him, shoves the doors open and leaps into the air. For a split second I almost believe she can do it, that she can fly.
Then I watch as she plummets to the ground.
“Fuck.”
I’m the first to react. I sprint after her, my wings snapping out behind me before my feet have even left the ground. She’s falling fast, but I’m faster. Twisting my body so that I am an arrow heading towards its target, I freefall. Within seconds I’ve caught up with her. Half a second later she is in my arms.
“Fern, don’t fucking do that again,” I say, pulling her close to my chest. My own anger, rare as it is, bubbles to the surface. “Don’t ever do that again,” I seethe.
She’s wise enough not to struggle as I launch upwards in the air. I head back towards the temple. Both Ether and Gabe are watching us from the entrance. She notices them too.
“I don’t want to go back there right now. Take me somewhere else, Mihr,” she says, gripping hold of me tighter.
“If that’s what you want.”
“Yes.” Her words come out as a half-strangled cry.
I swoop around, one arm holding Fern against my body, the other signing a message to Gabe and Ether. Gabe moves to take off, but Ether puts his hand on his shoulder, drawing him back.
“I’ve told them you need a little time, but they won’t wait for long, Fern. They’ll come and find you eventually, whether you want them to or not.”
“Just get me out of here,” she mumbles into my chest.
I hover in the air, waiting for their response. Ether signs back, he understands she needs space. Gabe too, given he has heeded Ether’s command and remained by his side.
“Where to, Fern?” I ask her.
She’s stiff in my hold, every single one of her muscles screaming at me not to touch her. I don’t blame her reaction. I’d be pissed off too. She’s every right to be angry and disappointed.
“Surprise me,” she snaps, turning her face away.
“Okay, hold on, this may take a little while.”
Fern does as I ask. Not because she wants to, but because right now she has no choice.
With a plan already formed in my mind, I head towards our destination, knowing that by nightfall she will be able to fly. Then, it’s up to her if she really wants to be free.
Chapter Eighteen
Fern
Mihr places me on a rocky, uneven surface. We appear to be standing on a floating mountain that hangs much higher in the air than the temple and houses back in central Utero. The air is much thinner up here and I find I have to breathe deeper to draw in enough oxygen. Clouds hover beneath us, thick and tinged pink, like everything here in Utero. The mother’s womb, the heartbeat surrounded by shadows and death, now sits miles below us.
Mihr stands back, his arms loose by his sides. He regards me. Neither of us speak.
I turn my back to him and look out into the distance, still angry.
They lied to me.
“I know you’re upset, Fern. But you have to believe we always have your best interests at heart.”
“I told you my terms. The truth. Always. That, and not fighting amongst ourselves, they were my only conditions,” I remind him.
“Aren’t we fighting now? That’s one condition broken already.”
I twist on my feet and stalk towards Mihr. He crosses his arms, standing his g
round.
“I have a right to be mad. Dani might need me. She’s one of the few people in my life who actually gives a shit about me.”
Mihr grips me by the shoulders. I try and shake him off, but he holds me steady. “That’s where you’re wrong, Fern. Don’t cast aside how we feel about you. Don’t do that in anger. We held back the truth because we care. It was wrong, I see that now. We see that.”
“Damn you, Mihr,” I say, bashing my fist against his chest. My anger, hurt, and disappointment have me so strung out that I have this urge to rage at him, to the goddamn world. I feel a little piece of darkness curl inside my chest. It feels familiar. It feels like Gabe.
“Let it out, Fern. I’ve got you,” he says, parting his legs and holding himself steady.
And even though I know I shouldn’t take it out on Mihr, I do.
I pummel my fists against him. I’m so angry. Angry at my mother for playing her part in killing an innocent life. Angry at Queen Adrielle for taking what wasn’t hers and all the evil she’s committed since. I’m angry at my men, my angels, who I’ve come to trust, who’ve now torn down that trust with omittance. I’m angry at them for not believing I am strong enough to deal with the truth. I’m angry with Dani for not telling me everything when we spoke and, lastly, I’m angry at what I will have to do to stay alive. I’ve pushed the thought of taking a newborn’s life out of my head. I’ve not faced that truth and now it’s come crashing back to fucking torture me.
Eventually, my rage subsides enough for me to stop hitting Mihr. Guilt quickly replaces that rage and I feel ashamed. I lean my forehead against his chest. My breathing is harsh, ragged. Tears prick my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
Mihr waits. He doesn’t move to touch me, he just remains steadfast, strong. I shuffle forward and rest my cheek against his chest. I listen to his heart beat sure and steady. It helps to calm me, reassure me. These men might be angels, but they are still human. They make mistakes. I step forward, pressing all of me against his length, and slide my arms around his back and under his folded wings. I know it’s unfair that I’ve erupted and taken it out on Mihr, and now I’m expecting his comfort. But I need him now. More than anyone, I need him.