by Gill Mather
“Is she here?” Ali whispered back smiling broadly. Good. She could see Hugh watching them while the svelte Fiona was shovelling food onto plates for them both.
“No,” he whispered back, “she had to go to a gymkhana today with her sister. Er. Why are we whispering?”
“Not sure.” And they both collapsed into fits of giggles. Hugh looked stony faced.
“Come on then. Let’s dance,” said James and off they went together hand in hand. If getting on well together was the only criterion for a relationship to work then, Ali reflected, she and James should by rights be spending the whole of the rest of their lives together.
But as it turned out, James had to leave after about half an hour to do his duty stint at the gymkhana.
Ali wondered what to do. She spent some time doing the rounds of PWT people. Wattsey kissed her and said he was pleased to see her looking so well, but asked pointedly if he could get her something to eat perhaps.
She went and had a laugh with Cathy and Amanda who were much friendlier now that she wasn’t working at PWT any more with the added bonus that she’d had her heart so publicly broken.
Alison complained that the number of litigants-in-person was on the increase following the withdrawal of legal aid from most matrimonial cases and bemoaned the fact that there wasn’t more mediation work about. Sandra said that that girl Tammy was no better, if anything getting worse and she tutted over to where Tammy was bending over to smell a flower and give a young man in a business suit a better view of her cleavage.
By degrees, Ali worked her way back to the punch bowl and was hovering over it contemplating getting wasted when Hugh appeared at her elbow suddenly as if from nowhere. Ali jumped and spilled the rest of her drink.
“How are you then?” Hugh said.
“Well you know. Bearing up.”
“James not here any more?”
“Er no. He had to go somewhere. What about you then? I don’t see the lovely Fiona in the immediate vicinity.”
“Oh,” Hugh actually blushed. So that was the way the wind was blowing. It told Ali far more than words could ever say. “Er she’s about somewhere. She’s just getting some experience with the firm. She’s only with us a few weeks. Not like you.” Why did everyone want to tell her that.
“Really.”
Hugh drew a deep breath.
“She’s just come down from Oxford and thought she might take a stab at the law.”
“Well it must be wonderful to have one’s intellectual equal in the office at last.”
Hugh cleared his throat, looked away and ploughed on.
“Her father owns the farm next to the cottage so he asked me if I could help out….with the work experience.”
“My, the things a bloke has to do to get his hands on a small strip of agricultural land.” Ali knew it sounded bitchy but she couldn’t help it.
Hugh stiffened. “I hope you’re not implying what I think you are,” he said coldly. Then more levelly:
“Really Ali, you mustn’t be bitter. It doesn’t suit you at all.”
And he strode off leaving Ali shaking and wretched.
She could only think of going to find Sam, but Sam was there instantly having watched the encounter hopefully at first then realising it was all going wrong.
“Sam I’ve got to go.” Sam steered her to the office and into one of the upstairs rooms.
“It didn’t go well then.” Sam said.
“That’s the understatement of the year. Disastrous wouldn’t do it justice. Sam I’ve blown it completely. But I suppose it hardly matters if he’s sleeping with the fragrant Fiona.”
Tears started to pour down Ali’s face. She hadn’t cried for at least a month and they started to flood out now.
“I really don't think so. There’s no sign of it in the office.”
“Well my little dalliance with Hugh didn't exactly make the headlines.”
“Actually there was always something there. I didn’t realise I’d realised, if you know what I mean, before you told me but there was some sort of chemistry between you right from the beginning. Especially from his end. The way he looked at you. Oh and that Christmas present thingey with The Privy sign. It was so intimate somehow. If you want my considered opinion there’s no way he’s sleeping with Fiona but I could be wrong. You can bet your life if Cathy and Amanda thought he was they’d have said something. Did they?”
Ali shook her head miserably. She was sobbing away by now. “Well I’ve blown it anyway. It’s all my fault.”
“Hang on. It was him who ended it. I don’t know what you said to him just now but you’re entitled to be miffed at him. If anyone’s going to beg to be taken back it should be him.”
Ali continued to sob broken-heartedly. Sam disappeared and quickly returned saying she'd asked Darren to order a taxi for Ali. They both went and put her in it when it arrived.
“Ali why don’t you come round to our house tomorrow and we can talk about it properly. We’re in all day.”
“Is there any point? But of course I’d love to see you. I didn’t mean to be rude. Yes all right I’ll come over some time.”
“I just think, well, he wouldn’t be so….touchy….if he didn’t care a bit.”
“See you tomorrow,” Ali sniffed and waved out of the taxi at them.
“ALI WE THOUGHT you weren’t coming,” Sam said greeting her at the door. “It’s gone three.”
“Sorr-ree. You said you’d be here all day. Anyway I had to wait `til my face was less bloated from crying and I biked over so it took longer.”
“Come and have a cup of coffee. Or perhaps something stronger?”
Ali looked around the kitchen and complimented Sam and Darren on how they’d had it re-done. This house was their new love nest and permanent home and they were thrilled to bits with it.
“You know, I was thinking about Hugh.” Sam wasn’t wasting any time. “I reckon he’s still as stuck on you as you are on him. That’s why he was so upset about the Angela thing and why he’s so touchy now. I mean if he’d finished with you because he’d gone off you, then he wouldn't care now would he. But instead I think inside he’s devastated to be without you. I think we should try to look at it from his point of view too. I mean if you thought he suspected you of being….I don't know….say, a child molester, well wouldn't that upset you rather?”
“I suppose so. But if he’s pining for me it doesn’t look much like it. He looks the picture of health.”
“He’s just come back from visiting his family in Australia a few weeks ago so that’s probably why. Before that he did look a bit rough actually. Anyway he’s a bloke isn’t he. They react differently. We stop eating. A bloke shouts and swears, gets drunk with his mates, kicks a football about, goes and pumps iron. Or perhaps in Hugh’s case buries himself in law books. Isn’t that right Darren.” And she looked at her lover for confirmation. He just shrugged.
“How should I know? I’m just a bloke. My brains are stuck down in my bollocks.”
“What actually did you say to Hugh yesterday to upset him so much?”
Ali sighed. “I suggested that he was sleeping with Fiona to get her father to sell him a bit of land. Or that’s what he thought I was suggesting. And I suppose I was.”
“So first he thinks you think he’s an attempted rapist. And now you accuse him of prostituting himself for land. Oh well that’s not going to upset anyone is it!” said Darren. Sam gave him a look.
“Well it’s too late now. I won’t get the opportunity to see him again. So that’s that.”
“Actually at the party he came to try and find you yesterday after you’d gone. He thinks you’re going out with James.”
“Good. I hope you didn't disabuse him of the notion.”
“Well, I was non-committal. You know what he’s like. So hard to read. But I’d have sworn underneath all that cool that he was very upset. I’m afraid I had a bit of a go at him actually. I think Victor did as well.”
“
Well I don’t want any sort of pity reaction out of him. I’ll just have to accept that it really is completely over.”
“He’s here.”
“What? Who?” Ali cast about the kitchen as though someone might be hiding in the cupboards.
“Hugh’s here. I said you’d be coming round some time today and he’s been here all day waiting for you.”
“But I didn’t see his car.”
“He ran here,” Darren laughed. “He got us all up at seven this morning. He brought some stuff in a rucksack and he’s been down in the summer house at the end of the garden all day working. The kids were intrigued at first. They kept taking him glasses of orange juice as an excuse to go and investigate. And he’s been out several times to play ball games with them and chase them about.”
“He’d make a wonderful dad,” said Sam.
“Too bad I won't get the chance to find out,” said Ali.
“Well. Aren’t you going to go and see him,” said Sam.
“I can’t believe it. I suppose so.”
“Try and look a bit more enthusiastic. We’ve been on tenterhooks all day.”
CHAPTER 28
IT WAS A LONG, meandering garden. Hugh jumped and got up when Ali opened the summerhouse door.
“Oh hello Ali,” he smiled. Ali tried a smile too but found she was much too tense.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he went on, “I thought you weren't coming.”
Ali looked at him suspiciously. “It was a nice day. I thought I’d cycle over.”
“Yes. I jogged here.”
“Yes Darren said.”
There was a pause.
“Ali. I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to march off like that. You’re entitled to be angry with me. I shouldn't have lost my temper.”
“Oh,” said Ali surprised.
“And….er….I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what’s happened. I’ve been thinking a lot about things. It was all my fault. And what you did regarding Trish. You did the right thing about it. I was a fool to make such a fuss about it. And as for imposing all that secrecy on you. It was the wrong thing to do. It was really selfish of me. It was bound to distort everything.” He paused.
“Mostly it was because I didn't know how to cope with our relationship. I….it overwhelmed me. I felt I needed to keep it battened down. I’m sorry. It was just so immature of me. Anyway, Victor and Fiona made me realise what a fool I’ve been about Trish.”
Ali’s eyes went to slits. “You spoke to Fiona about us? Right. Well she’s obviously an understanding girl.” Ali looked at all the books and papers spread out over the table. “I’d better let you get on then.” She wasn't sure how she was being so controlled on the surface. Underneath she was dying.
She started to go out of the summerhouse but Hugh caught her arm. Several thousand volts went through her body but she tried to ignore it.
“Ali. Don’t go. Please don’t go. I just spoke to Fiona about Trish because I couldn’t think who else to ask. I didn't talk to her about us. I wanted to know if someone impartial thought I’d been unreasonable. I just couldn’t decide myself. But of course you were right not to get involved in what Trish was going to do. I just couldn’t see it at the time.”
“Right,” Ali said again looking at the floor. She took a deep breath. She was going to say it and clear the air. She’d probably never see him again but she had to say it. “If I’m really honest, there was a point when I was just open to the possibility that for some bizarre reason I couldn't work out that you actually might have gone to Angela’s flat that night. Even before Trish told me she saw your car going into Graham’s drive.”
“I know. That’s what hurt so much. But I’m glad you’ve been honest about it. And I’m over it now.”
“There were quite a few things that pointed to it. And you know you were so distant at times and gave so little of yourself away. It makes peoples’ imaginations work overtime. But I dismissed it as completely ridiculous.” She didn't say that was after talking to Sam. “Then when Trish said she’d actually seen your car there on the night, I just thought because of our relationship I should stay out of it. We didn't know anything about that awful Symonds character at the time. For heavens sake if it had come out later that we’d tried to manipulate a witness, well you could have been disciplined and I might never have got my legal career off the ground, not to mention the effect it might have had on Graham’s defence. I suppose I thought you’d think the same.”
“I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I’m such a fool. I know people think I’m cold. Robotic even. I suppose I thought you’d see through it all without my having to say anything. I thought we understood each other. I thought you’d understand me because of our….times together. I was so shocked and horrified when it dawned on me that you might even have just suspected that I’d gone to Angela’s flat. But I do understand it now. The secrecy and me….the way I am. I’ve just made such a hash of things.
“And I’m not proud of the fact that I tried to hurt you after we split up by pretending not to care and by giving you back that Privy sign in public. None of it was your fault but I was trying to punish you. And I wanted you to be hurt. That was terribly wrong of me and I’m so sorry.”
“Apology accepted.” Ali swallowed. “Well thank you for the opportunity to clear the air. I don't want to get in your way.” She turned back to the door. “Good luck Hugh,” she said as she stepped onto the paving outside, her heart bleeding.
She couldn't resist turning around to look at him. He had sat back on the edge of the table. His eyes were tight shut, his arms crossed in front of him hugging his body and he was rocking gently back and forwards. And he started shaking. Her heart somersaulted and her legs turned to jelly. She couldn't bear to see him like that. “Hugh don’t. Hugh I’ll never forget you.”
“Ali. Don’t go. Please please don’t go.” She went over to him and stroked his hair.
“Ali, please don't go. I can't go on without you. Please please say you’ll come back to me. I love you so much. Ali I’ve always loved you since the first time I saw you but….I thought you had a boyfriend….or you weren't interested in me, or both.” He pulled her to him and she buried her face in his shoulder. He smelled wonderful. Just like before.
“Ali. You do love me don't you? You do still love me. Please say you do. Please, please say you love me.”
Through the haze of pleasure and pain Ali couldn’t help thinking: Typical of a bloke. He keeps you hanging on forever but then the minute he’s ready to declare himself, he demands instant reciprocation.
“You need to ask! Of course I love you Hugh.” She felt the tension leave her body and she melted into his. “But Hugh. I meant what I said before. I can’t live without you. If you leave me again, I wouldn’t survive.”
“Poor baby,” Hugh said with tears in his eyes. “You’ve got so thin. I can’t believe I did that to you. I’ll never leave you again I promise.”
“I don’t know. I’ve sort of lost confidence. I thought we had such a wonderful relationship. Secret yes, but wonderful. Wonderful one second and then suddenly non-existent. Hugh, I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. I wouldn’t survive it again.”
“Victor….Wattsey told me the other day about how you were after….we split up. He found me mooching about in The Privy when I thought everyone had left.”
He didn't mention the angry dressing down Wattsey had given him that had turned to perplexity and total exasperation when he’d caught a glimpse of what Hugh felt like underneath.
“He seems to be very fond of you. I didn't know I’d hurt you so badly. Please believe me. I was stupid. I’ve been in turmoil too. I’ve thought about you all the time. In bed at night I’ve ached for you. Every single night. Your perfect body. Oh Ali.”
He was kissing her now. And intermittently whispering her name. She found her hands inside his running top, her fingers digging into him. The shorts and top were so thin she could feel e
verything through them. All so familiar. His muscular body was pressed to hers, his hands on her bottom and back pulling her close to him.
“Oh Hugh. Nothing’s changed.”
“God I wish I could fuck you here and now.”
He swallowed and gently took her arms and put them by her side. “But we can’t. Shall we go home.”
He wiped her tears away, got out his smart phone and called a taxi. Then he packed up his rucksack and they went hand in hand to say goodbye to Sam and Darren and their four inquisitive offspring. Hugh ruffled Perry’s hair and said he should practise with that foot work and he’d be another Ronaldo.
“Is it OK if I leave my bike here?”
Sam was delighted. “No problem. We’ll see you soon hopefully.”
THERE WAS A NEW drive to Hugh’s cottage. So he had managed to buy the strip of field. It had been rolled and surfaced with clinker and there was a new post and wire fence down the left hand side. The hedge with the public footpath was still on the right. The taxi dropped them off, turned round on the new turning area near the house and drove away.
The borders Ali had dug were awash with late summer flowers. “Raised and planted out with love,” said Hugh.
“Sown with love too. Shall we go in then.”
It turned out that Hugh’s extreme self control in the bedroom had deserted him for the time being and they came together very quickly.
Afterwards he shed warm salty tears over her face and said again and again that he loved her and he’d never leave her ever.
“I hope not,” said Ali. He sat up a bit.
“Well we could always make an honest spider out of Alan and all his children.”
“What?”
“We could get married. That’s forever isn't it.”
“What you and me?” she said stupidly.
Hugh looked around the room and peered under the bed. “Yes I would say you and me would be the primary candidates.”