by Jenny Colgan
‘OK, OK, calm down. It shows he’s not up to much either, doesn’t it? And there are lots of other people here.’
‘He didn’t have much of a choice, with her sticking her BIG FAT BOVINE TORY TITS in his face.’
‘OK, do you know what? I think we should perhaps go next door … Let’s go dancing, shall we?’
I pushed a spluttering Kate out of the room. Josh’s room was being used as a pot-smoking den, but the living room was full of people waving their arms in the air like they just didn’t care, so we headed there. Chali was doing elegant Indian dancing to house music and looked fabulous. The crusties were all dancing round her like gnome servants. I collared one of them and shoved him and Kate together.
‘OK! Dance,’ I instructed them. The crusty immediately began to hop up and down in Kate’s direction. Kate made a couple of sulky movements.
‘Oh, you know, I can’t be bothered. I think I might go to bed.’
‘I think one of the Jameses and some young lovely have already thought of that,’ I told her.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake! What is this, a party for fourteen-year-olds? Did you see which one it was? I’ll be having a word with him on Monday.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ I said, making a mental note to clear them out of there as soon as was humanly possible.
‘This is turning into the worst …’ started Kate glumly. Then her face lit up and I followed her line of gaze.
‘There you are,’ said the tall American. ‘You just disappeared and left me with that pony-riding politician girl.’
He smoothly bypassed the crusty.
‘In America we call that cruel and unusual punishment,’ he said, and moved very close to Kate.
‘Can I cut in?’
Kate could only nod mutely, and he put his arms round her, in that half-necking/half-dancing thing. And they were away.
Balls! He was nice! Noticing the crusty starting to bounce in my direction I hit a hasty retreat.
Back in the kitchen, hotbed of action, Sophie was still carrying on exactly as before. In his place, of course, Josh was listening to her with a dreamy expression on his face. Oh no. And, worse than that, the party was now swinging with a life of its own – the dancers were dancing, the snoggers were snogging – and, given the amount of that going on, I would say our singles theme was definitely a success – the potters were potting away … and I hadn’t found my own group in time. Now I would have to be horrible puppy-like party hostess, bounding from group to group to try and gain acceptance. Arse! And I couldn’t go home, as home now had three hundred coats in it! And Addison hadn’t bloody joined the party after all. I didn’t feel up to going and getting him, not after what I now knew. So, I pretended to be coolly surveying the atmosphere by the fridge, helping people get their beers, that kind of thing.
How annoying – after all, this was supposed to be a singles party, but I was the only one on my own. That wasn’t how things should be progressing at all. I scanned the room, a tad crossly. In the corner was a tall person who was clearly a friend of Kate or Josh’s, judging by the absence of acne scars and slouching. He was wearing a leather jacket and a dark top and, if a bit smooth for my taste, had a nice crinkliness around the eyes. Also, the bloke he was talking to had just disappeared.
OK, I decided. Kate had pulled. Josh was at least being shouted at by the object of his desire. Addison was nowhere to be seen. I had to at least try.
I ran my tongue over my teeth and walked up to him brightly.
‘Hi there,’ I said, as insouciantly as I could, which isn’t very. ‘Are you having a nice time?’
He looked around slowly and gave me a bit of a once-over. I can’t bear that, but it was a singles party.
‘It’s OK, thanks.’
‘Great, well, hi, I’m Holly and I live here.’ I gave him a big beaming smile, then, as a nervous tic, ran my tongue over my teeth again. Then I realized I’d just done that, and shut my mouth abruptly. It made an audible noise, like a fish. He glanced at me for another couple of seconds, then seemed to make up his mind about something.
‘Well, very nice to meet you, Holly. I’m Geoffrey – I work with Kate. I’ve been trying to find her, but I couldn’t see her, so please tell her I did look in, and it all seemed very nice, and now I must go.’
He started to pull his jacket on. I could feel other people looking at us, and I started improvising desperately.
‘Oh, right, Kate made you come, did she? Oh, you can’t go – have you had some punch? Why don’t you stay for a little bit? I’m sure she’ll be right in.’
‘I really can’t,’ he said. His eyes took on a wary, hunted expression. ‘I – ehm – I’m double-parked.’
‘Oh, did you drive here? What kind of car do you have?’
‘Ehm, a Porsche, actually. Right, OK, James,’ he yelled to someone I couldn’t make out, ‘see you Monday! Lovely to meet you!’ and he disappeared stage left.
Fuck. I wandered my lonely way back across the room. My only thought was at least no one had seen me, but I looked up and Sophie was staring at me with a malicious look on her face. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was so glad that, because he had been a bit of a wanker, I was managing to hate myself.
I poured another glass of wine and felt extremely sorry for myself. Then I went and checked in the mirror. Sure enough, I had a bit of prawn vol-au-vent stuck to my chin. Well, I knew it was prawn vol-au-vent. To the uninitiated, it could well have been herpes.
I limped back into the party a broken soul. Suddenly, however, out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of movement by the fire escape … It couldn’t be. Oh, thank God. There was Addison, sitting outside – outside! I wondered how his eyes were adjusting to the light. Then I noticed that not only was he outside, but he was most definitely talking to someone!
This was all I needed. I was pissed off. It was a well-known fact that Addison spoke only to me and, well, Claudia, I supposed, if you counted that as speaking, and I didn’t. A horrid thought struck me – maybe it was Claudia. Maybe she’d taken Addison up on his invitation, after all. Oh God. That had to be it. All this time while I was pratting around and worrying about my bloody flatmates, he’d been pinched from under my nose! Cock! I might as well kill myself now.
I leaned over to try and get a better view from the fridge without being seen to actually stomp up and demand to know what she was doing here. Addison’s thick black hair was in the way, though, so I leaned over a little bit further and, with a little help from the white wine and, I told myself later, deep despair, found myself falling straight on to the floor with an enormous crash.
The entire party stopped immediately – in fact, I could have sworn there was a record player somewhere, because it was like that noise you hear when someone skites a needle off a disc. A couple of the Jameses laughed, and I cursed them. Josh hopped up worriedly, whilst Sophie appeared faintly amused at Josh’s poor old drunken flatmate. And the two heads on the balcony whipped round simultaneously, and annoyingly enough, the one who wasn’t Addison was Finn.
‘I’m fine! I’m fine! I could only conceivably have hurt my pride and I have none of that anyway!’ I shouted immediately, to stop people cooing round me and making concerned noises.
‘We once had a parlour maid who drank,’ I heard Sophie say.
Addison loomed over me.
‘You hurt yourself a lot,’ he said carefully.
‘It was the floor,’ I muttered. ‘It attacked me by surprise.’
He extended his hand to me. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes, yes yes.’ His large hand took hold of mine and I luxuriated in it as I stood up, accidentally on purpose falling against him. Casually – or, under the circumstances, as casually as I could make it whilst dusting myself down – I looked around the room and pretended to notice Finn for the first time.
‘Oh, hello there … I’m so sorry, I can’t remember your name.’
‘Oh, really, are you very drunk?’ he asked solemnly. I’d forgotten how annoying he
was.
‘No!’ I spluttered. ‘I just, you know, meet so many people it’s hard to remember them all.’
‘I see. Well, hello there, I’m Finn.’
‘Well, yes, ehmm, I’m Holly,’ I said, feeling increasingly stupid.
‘Err, yes … I knew that.’
‘So, how do you know Addy?’ I said, in a way that might conceivably make it sound like Addison was my live-in boyfriend.
‘Addy? Oh, Addison … ehm, I don’t actually. I just met him – turns out we both went to see the eclipse. Fascinating man. Really, posited some very interesting theories … Why, is he your live-in boyfriend?’
‘No,’ I said crossly, but Addison was only three feet away. ‘He’s my flatmate.’
‘Oh, right … nice bloke. Ehm, I know last time we met … I’m sorry about the misunderstanding.’
‘What misunder – oh, that thing! Don’t be silly, I didn’t give it a second thought.’
I turned to Addison, in an attempt to convey how close we were. ‘Thank you, darling … I’m quite fine now.’
‘What?’ said Addison. ‘Oh, you were talking to me.’
‘Shall we go back outside? Are you enjoying the outdoors, or do you find it a bit weird; you know, because sometimes the ceiling is blue and sometimes it’s dark with little lights?’
‘I’m not sure that fire escape of yours is too safe,’ said Finn.
I turned round. ‘Oh really? How do you know that: string theory?’
‘Ehm, no, it’s just completely over at an angle … Can I get you a drink?’
‘No thank you … you might chemically alter it, or it might disappear into hyperspace.’
‘God, you really stay pissed off at people for a long time, don’t you? And also, hyperspace is only theoretical, so it couldn’t really turn into the depository for your –’
‘Of course I’m not pissed off with you,’ I sniffed.
I was about to be sultry and elegant for once and wander off with Addison, leaving him there burbling, but suddenly a horrific sight caught the corner of my eye. It was Carol, hatchet-faced harridan of Harlesden, from whom I’d done a runner less than two months before. Fuck knows what she was doing here. Must have been a very distant single friend of a single friend. Dressed in a tight TIGHT pink dress which emphasized her orangey tan and carefully applied body make-up (blusher between the breasts, I noticed), she was running a long fingernail along the top of the units, checking for dust, and heading towards the fridge – where we were!
‘Argh!’ I said in a low voice to Finn. ‘Quick, show me what’s the matter with the fire escape.’
‘What? Sorry, I didn’t catch that –’
‘Now!’ I pushed him towards the kitchen door, practically hiding my face in his jacket. We collapsed down on the rickety brown metal.
‘Ehm … OK, you see, here, when you sit down on it, it bounces?’ said Finn.
‘Huh? Oh, yes.’ I stole a look back.
‘So, I think the tension is probably unsafe …’
‘I’m sorry, Finn … I just had to get away from someone over there.’
He craned his neck around to see.
‘Who, her?’
‘DON’T LOOK! Yes, her. I used to share a flat with her and she was mean to me. I’m trying to minimize the opportunities during which she can be mean to me again.’
‘Oh, is she the one who punched you?’
‘Ehm, no, that was somebody else.’
‘Oh. Are a lot of people mean to you?’
‘Yes. And none of it is ever my fault.’
‘I see.’
I craned my neck round just a little to see if I could see her. She was about to open the fridge door when she spotted Addison, that well-known site of great natural beauty. I motioned to Finn to shush and leaned forward to try and hear what she was saying to him.
‘Don’t you think this kitchen is filthy?’ she was saying. ‘All this cookware, it simply gathers dust.’
Addison was facing us, and staring straight ahead, bright with embarrassment. She lifted up one ridiculously fingernailed hand. The claws grew bent over the top of her fingers and were painted bright pink, to match her dress. She was wearing three or four rings.
‘Carol,’ she said. ‘Carol Patterson.’
Addison stared at us with a beseeching look in his eye.
‘And this is my friend, Farah.’
He started staring at the floor.
‘There are two of them?’ asked Finn.
‘Ehm, yes … Farah’s on the short side.’
‘I see. Oh my God, isn’t that a monkey over there?’
‘No, that’s her.’
‘Oh. Whoops.’
‘Fine scientist you turn out to be.’
‘So, one of the strong silent types, then?’ Carol was saying, prodding Addison in the chest with her lethal fingernails. I winced.
‘You could say that,’ I whispered to Finn. He nodded.
‘Ehm, as one of the hostesses, don’t you think you ought to be circulating amongst your guests thereby saving Addison, rather than cowering behind the kitchen door spying on them? Just a suggestion,’ added Finn hurriedly when he saw my cross face.
‘She’ll kill me! I never paid the phone bill.’
‘You didn’t pay the phone bill?’ He looked shocked, then tried to retrieve himself. ‘Oh well, I mean, right on, sister. Smash the state.’
‘You are incredibly self-righteous, do you know that?’
‘What? What did I say??’
But he was right in one respect. I would have to go and rescue Addison. Everyone else was ignoring them and he was a drowning man. And, as I knew, here was a man who’d been through enough in his life already.
I stood up shakily.
‘OK, I’m going in. Do I look all right?’
‘You look fine. Apart from that small piece of cheese attached to your head from when you fell over.’
I rubbed at my face. There was as well.
‘Shit. OK, de-cheesed?’
‘De-cheesed.’
‘You stay here and guard the exits. This is going to be a lightning manoeuvre, so look sharp.’
Finn crouched in the doorway. I put my chin up, tried to pretend I knew what I was doing, and sashayed up to him. Well, I think it was a sashay. It might have looked like I had piles.
‘Addy, there you are! I’ve been searching for you everywhere.’ I put my hand territorially on his arm for the second time this evening. This time, however, he welcomed it.
‘You must come and meet Finn.’
‘But I’ve already –’
‘Shut up,’ I whispered sotto voce.
‘Ohhh, I get it … YES PLEASE, I’D LOVE TO MEET FINN.’
Carol was staring at me. Her glitter eye-shadow had gone all crinkly as she tried to find a place for me in her mental card index.
‘Look who it is!’ yelped a voice from down below.
‘Oh, hello, Farah,’ I said, resisting the urge to punt her like a football.
‘You!’ hissed Carol dramatically. ‘You owe us £57.20 for the council tax!’
‘Ah, Carol, how lovely to see you again. I really missed you. You’re looking fantastic. Really, I’d never thought of gold lipstick before, but it’s certainly working for you – that “cheap” thing is so in, isn’t it? Now, please excuse me whilst I take my boyfriend over here, and then why don’t you get the fuck out of my house and take your monkey with you?’
Is what I so, so wanted to say. In fact, I did say it, next morning in the shower, to Kate’s Clarins bottles. And they trembled, let me tell you.
‘Ehm, yes, sorry about that. I’m putting the cheque in, ahem … Excuse us; I’m really, really sorry,’ I said.
‘Why don’t you just write me a cheque now?’
‘Ehm, Holly, I don’t … do you think we should leave Finn on his own?’ said Addison bravely.
‘No, Addison, you’re absolutely right, we should …’
‘Do you live here?
Great, because I’ll know where to come to get the rest of the money. I’m doing a course round here actually, so I can pop in most days, see if you’re home.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Actually I’m only here visiting from Bhutan. That’s Bhutan, Peru.’
This was turning into a complete nightmare. Addison was tugging on my sleeve like a three-year-old who needed the toilet.
‘I mean, really! Talk about irresponsible. Do you know what she did?’ Carol asked him. I wanted to scratch her, hard.
Addison shook his head, he seemed more and more agitated.
‘Well …’
‘Hello, everyone!’ boomed a voice behind us. ‘I’m Finn!’
Christ. The cavalry had arrived.
‘And you must be Holly.’
It felt like we’d now been introduced four billion times.
‘Yes, hi, hi. And this is Addison.’
Addison and Finn mutely shook hands.
‘Wonderful. Now, as hostess, can you take me to the punch?’
And with one hand round my arm, and Addison tagging along on my sleeve, we speedily fumbled our way over the dead body in the doorway and quickly away from the punch, which was sitting on top of the refrigerator in plain view.
Outside the kitchen door, I rested against the wall.
‘God, that was close.’
‘Don’t worry; I saved you.’
‘I know. My hero. Oh my God – here she comes!’
‘Quick!’
And we all tumbled into the front room, where the dancers were subsiding into dreamy swaying moves. Chali had her arms round the grubbiest of the crusties and they were half dancing, half smooching across the room. She jabbed me in the arm.
‘He’s in a band!’ she yelled.
‘Oh, brilliant! Are you going to shag him?’
‘’spect so!’
Over in the corner, looking, frankly, sickening, Kate and John were dancing as though they’d been welded together. She was staring into his eyes with an intensity half blissful, half rather frightening. I didn’t catch her eye in case I broke her spell. And anyway, we did have a rather pressing problem on our hands.
‘OK,’ said Finn to himself, kneeling down beside the pile of CDs and running his finger along the spines rapidly. ‘Think, Finn, think.’ His face creased in concentration.