by Jenny Colgan
‘Well, do you like him?’
‘No! Well, you know no! He’s nerdy and he has dirty spectacles and I want a real man.’
‘Rrrright. So, why did you ask him to go to bed with you?’
‘I didn’t. I offered him my bed while I slept on the sofa.’
‘Really? That’s remarkably generous.’
‘Well, I suppose … I didn’t … I mean, it would have been quite nice to have someone to sleep next to, you know? Other than Frank Sinatra (the bear).’
Josh and Kate both nodded.
‘I know what you mean,’ said Kate. ‘But would you shag him for a cuddle?’
‘No!’ I said shocked. Then, more shamefacedly, ‘I might have … well, you know, let him have his tops or something.’
‘I’d settle for just a snog with Sophie,’ said Josh sadly, leading the way out with a bagful of rubbish. Kate smiled at me and followed on.
It was good to know they understood, I thought.
‘Oh, but did she tell you she came on to Addison as well?’ filtered along the corridor.
Bastards!
Six
Chali and I were in the shop, gassing away as usual, as I threw the roses together. I hated doing roses. One, they hurt, and two, they were only bought by teenagers and men who weren’t very nice to their wives. Chali had decided to plait her hair with all the different-coloured ribbons in the shop and was intent on that, and chewing gum in the face of anyone who came in looking for service, so I was hovering near the front.
It was about a month since the party, although we were still finding bits of broken glass beside the washing machine. I had just about bitten down my embarrassment – i.e., whenever I thought about Finn, or Kate mentioned him, I didn’t have to stuff my fingers in my mouth to stop myself from screeching out loud. Poor Kate, however, was on a huge anti-man mission, after John had failed to phone her again. She’d even shout at newsreaders on the TV, calling them ‘lying bastards’ apropos of nothing at all, and as for Americans, they were in serious trouble as a continent. Infuriatingly, Sophie had developed a habit of ‘popping in’ around dinner time, eating like Hector the Hungry Horse, dumping a pile of work on Josh, then disappearing. One night I thought I heard him cry. Kate accused him of being so emasculated his penis would disappear, ‘which would be no bad thing, given the evilness of your entire gender.’
I had hardly seen Addison at all. After his momentary outburst of sociability, he seemed to have retreated again, and although I hovered late at night, the door was never open. I suspected I had frightened him – it was like Badger Watch. He might not reappear for months.
Chali had done better out of the party than anyone, though, as it turned out that the stinky guy really was connected to the music business, and had got her a gig doing backing vocals for a new band. So she was extremely excited and convinced her time had finally come.
‘Loads of people start off being backing singers, you know.’
‘Oh yes, I know,’ I said. ‘Alison Moyet did.’
‘Who?’
‘You know, “Alf” – Alison Moyet.’
‘Nup. Was it pre-war?’
‘Fuck off. Ehm, and that girl out of Fairground Attraction. She was a backing singer for the Eurythmics.’
Chali looked blank. I swore she did this on purpose.
‘You have heard of the Eurythmics?’
‘Holl, right, don’t take this the wrong way, right, but maybe you shouldn’t come to this gig.’
‘Of course I’m coming. We all are. You might get plucked out from the backing singers like … who were you thinking of?’
‘Lauryn Hill, of course.’
‘Oh, yeh, I knew that.’
‘Do you have to bring that girly blond mate of yours?’
‘Who, Sophie? No, she’s not a friend of mine.’
‘No, not her, the bloke.’
‘Josh?’
‘Yeh. He’ll stand out like a prat.’
‘Wow. You’re almost as horrible as a real star already!’
‘Do you think you’ll ever find a boyfriend?’
I was giving her the V’s when the door opened with a ting, and I glanced up without enthusiasm. Chali didn’t bother looking up at all. That’s pretty hard to do – you have to ignore your own basic physiological reflexes – and she had picked it up from snotty club entry policies and practised really hard.
The punter stood blinking as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the shop after the brightness of the June day.
‘Hello,’ I yelled from the other end of the shop. ‘Can I help you?’
He looked up, and with a shock I realized it was Finn. He realized at exactly the same time, and took a step backwards in surprise. He was wearing long khaki shorts over his skinny English legs, and a flowery shirt with two pens in the top pocket.
‘Oh, er, gosh, hello!’ he said, with the expression of a man who’s just been told he’s standing next to an unexploded bomb and if he moves he’ll detonate it. ‘I didn’t know you worked here!’
‘Why would you?’
‘Ehm, no reason.’
Chali snapped up from her hair-plaiting, sniffing the air for gossip.
‘I’d like some, er, flowers, please.’
‘Oh, well, you’ve come to the right place,’ I pointed out. ‘Gerbils all recovered then?’
‘What? Oh, no. Ehm, these are for my sister; she’s just passed her exams.’
‘Cute,’ whispered Chali, nudging me hard in the ribs.
‘Shut up,’ I hissed violently, then turned back to him.
‘Right, right – driving test, is it?’
‘She’s just taken a double first at Cambridge, actually.’
‘Is that good or bad?’ I said, putting on a concerned expression, purely to annoy him.
He looked bemused. ‘Ehm, well, it’s quite good,’ he said. ‘So, you know, not funeral flowers or anything like that.’
‘OK,’ I said briskly. ‘Bouquet, or all one style? Or, if she’s a bit of a swot, she might prefer a house plant. It’s got the Latin name on it.’
‘I don’t know … whatever you think. You know, I meant to ring and say thanks for the party.’
‘Oh? Why didn’t you? Maybe I could have embarrassed myself some more on the phone for you.’
‘I don’t know … I thought you might be …’
‘Rude to you, like she’s being now?’ interjected Chali.
‘What?’ I said. ‘I’m not being rude!’
Chali and Finn exchanged a glance.
‘You are being a bit rude,’ said Finn.
‘Am I?’
‘Darling, you’re being a complete dog,’ said Chali. ‘Remember, you’re not as young as you once were. You should take every opportunity that comes your way.’
I shot her a dirty look. ‘OK, I’ll stop being rude to him, but for that last remark I’m now going to be rude to you. Piss off.’
She shrugged. ‘Like I care. You’ll be sorry when I’m famous. Won’t she?’
‘I expect so,’ said Finn.
‘See?’ She nudged me. ‘A nice bloke comes in to ask you out, you can at least be civil.’
‘I didn’t …’ he began, then he stopped and smiled suddenly. ‘This seems to keep happening, doesn’t it?’ he said to me.
‘What?’ I asked nervously.
‘We’re mistaken for … you know.’
‘No … normally what happens is that I think we might be, then you gently point out that you don’t like me.’
‘I don’t not like you!’
‘You say such sweet things.’
His brow furrowed in concentration. Then he obviously made some internal decision and put his hand on the counter.
‘Ehm, Holl, maybe, I don’t know – would you like to … sometime … you know?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know, maybe … you know …?’
‘Look, Finn, unless you absolutely spell it out for me, I’ll probably take it the
wrong way and it will all end up horribly, OK?’
‘Absolutely, yes, I see your problem.’
He took a deep breath and his eyes darted around the shop. Chali had grabbed my elbow in a fit of excitement.
‘Holly, would you like to … consider … coming out on a date with me?’
‘Yes, she would,’ yelled Chali. ‘In fact, she would like to bring you as a guest to my gig.’ And she thrust a badly photocopied leaflet into his face advertising her band, the Bhangpigs.
Finn considered it closely, until I realized he was actually waiting for me to say something.
‘What kind of music are you into normally, like?’ asked Chali.
‘Ehmm … Vaughan Williams?’
‘Oh God, you’re not a poof, are you? That would be so embarrassing, if I’d got Holl a date with a poof.’
‘Why, would it make any difference if I was?’ said Finn, stiffly.
‘If you were going out on a date with me, it would,’ I said.
‘Oh, yes … sorry. I’m so used to City people being awful homophobes all the time.’
‘That’s OK. They can’t help it; it’s all that buggering at school. They liked it, and now they’re ashamed.’
‘Right. Yes. Anyway – well?’
‘What about that woman who handles the insides of dead animals?’
‘What about her?’ said Finn.
‘Are you inserting your penis into her vagina on a regular basis?’ I wanted to ask him, but couldn’t.
‘She’s not my girlfriend, if that’s what you mean,’ he said.
What was she then? Casual shag? Bridge partner? Wife? But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Finn was not, I reckoned, a typical Lothario.
‘A proper date?’ I asked.
‘Well … what does that entail?’
‘Snogging,’ said Chali promptly.
‘Dinner,’ I said simultaneously.
‘Dancing,’ yelled Chali.
‘Flowers and chocolates.’
‘Multiple choice, then,’ he said.
‘Yes, but it can be, you know, “all of the above”.’
‘I’ll remember that.’
I smiled. ‘See you at the gig?’
‘Then dinner afterwards?’
‘That sounds nice.’
He smiled shyly, then retreated out the door.
‘Oh God, Holl, I’m so sorry, yeh? I really didn’t mean to call him a poof, right, it was just, with that flowery shirt and everything … I mean, not that I mind poofs, right, loads of my mates are. But, you know, if I’d asked him out for you … He’s nice, though, inny?’
Chali harangued me as I ignored her and took out a nice bunch of daisies and started wrapping them up, so that I could put them in Finn’s hand with minimum embarrassment when he reappeared two seconds later to collect what he’d come in for. Which, of course, he did, blushing like a demon.
Later, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about all this. I had to admit, though, that there was something about a person who had seemed so immune to my charms, however average they might be, then changed their mind. I definitely felt like I’d achieved something – made some kind of stand for every girl who has ever made a fool of herself in front of a bloke whilst a bit pissed. They didn’t usually come back after that, but this one had.
Kate and Josh took it with less than ecstatic excitement. Josh barely tilted his head from the sofa, where he was frantically working on a case. I’d never seen him do that before, but, clearly, it was Sophie. She was in Barbados. With whom, I didn’t dare ask.
‘Is this the guy you already haven’t got off with twice?’
‘Uh huh. So, you know, playing hard to get is not the only way!’
‘Holl, are you sure he didn’t just ask you the time or something, and you misinterpreted?’
‘Ha ha ha. He actually came in to see me, remember?’
Kate put her head up. She too was up to the eyeballs, having thrown herself into her work to try and forget thingummy. It was annoying for us, because in her quest for the annihilation of all things American we weren’t allowed to watch ER or drink Diet Coke.
‘How did he know where you worked? He didn’t ask me.’
‘Well, OK, he happened to walk into the shop …’
‘Oh, so you were lying?’
‘…But he couldn’t bear to walk out again without a date from me.’
‘Wow, he’s lucky he didn’t decide just to pick up a bunch of daffs at the petrol station. You get some right boilers working in there.’
‘Thank you, Josh. How’s your lifetime of servitude coming along?’
‘I think I’m earning Sophie’s love, thank you.’
‘Love is a very close emotion to contempt, isn’t it?’ mused Kate. ‘As in, “How contemptuous am I of John?”’
‘Truly madly deeply?’
She sighed. ‘Yes, dammit. Did I hear the phone ring just then?’
‘No,’ we chorused.
‘I’m so glad we spent all that money on the singles party,’ I said.
‘Well, it gave me one wonderful night,’ sighed Kate.
‘And me,’ said Josh.
‘And it got me a date, I suppose.’
‘So, there you go. Well worth four hundred quid.’
‘And the weeks of anguish.’
‘And all the cleaning up.’
‘And the loss of Pet Sounds.’
‘And …’
‘OK, everyone, shut up now,’ ordered Josh.
‘Please come,’ I said to Addison for the four hundredth time. This was my secret pact with myself. If Addison wouldn’t come to the gig, I was going to get off with Finn. But if he came, I would save myself for him. If he said he was going to come and then didn’t turn up, I would still save myself for him. But if he point-blank turned me down – well, he might as well just thrust me into Finn’s arms. I couldn’t say I wasn’t giving him a chance.
‘Pleeeeese come. They use a drum machine.’
‘But I don’t want to.’
‘How do you know? They might be fantastic.’
‘Then I’ll download their album on MP3.’
‘What?’
‘Never mind. Look, I just don’t feel like going out, OK?’
‘Addison, you know, everyone goes out sometimes.’
‘Not me.’
‘Did you …’ I couldn’t bring myself to ask him directly. ‘Did you always stay in a lot?’
He looked at me.
‘No. I just like it now.’
He clammed up. I didn’t feel I could pursue the matter, but I was burning – unfortunate phrase – to know what had happened. Also, if I’d been in a house fire I’d probably live out in the middle of an enormous field and never go indoors at all. I just didn’t get it.
‘How’s Claudia?’
‘I think she’s forgiven me for the party thing.’
‘But you didn’t do anything wrong.’
‘I frightened her, and I didn’t mean to.’
‘She’s a mentalist!’ I thought, but I kept it to myself.
‘She sounds like, you know, she has a few problems.’
‘No, she can be quite funny, really. The other day, she told this … OK, how does Captain Jean-Luc Picard change a lightbulb?’
‘What?’
‘“Make it glow!”’ He laughed heartily.
‘That is hilarious,’ I said gravely. ‘Addy, pleeese come to this gig. Otherwise, you know, I can’t answer for the consequences.’
‘What consequences?’
‘Well, you know, I won’t necessarily be your next-door flatmate forever. I might, you know, go to the gig, meet someone nice, get married, move away. And who would you talk to then?’
‘Claudia?’
As if in reply to some sub-ether summons, the grotesque face suddenly appeared on screen. Addison had obviously done something to it, because now the head rotated in 3-D. It was like that scene from The Exorcist, only Claudia didn’t need the Osca
r-winning make-up job.
‘Ahh!’ I yelped.
‘Oh, there she is.’
Words started appearing on screen in upper case. I couldn’t help reading them.
‘IS SHE THERE?’ it said.
‘Whoops,’ I said. ‘Guess someone’s a bit jealous.’
‘No,’ typed Addison.
‘No? Why don’t you tell her the truth? That makes me feel like I’m invisible.’
He shrugged at me.
‘It’s OK! You can talk, you know – she can’t hear you!’
‘OK. Ehm, I’m sorry – she does get a bit jealous.’
‘Ha! Better not go and visit her – have you ever seen the film Misery? You’ll come back with no legs.’
He didn’t respond, and started typing away heartily.
‘Well, GOODBYE THEN!’ I said loudly. ‘I’m off to the gig ON MY OWN. DON’T WAIT UP! BYE, CLAUDIA!’
He turned round briefly.
‘Have a good time.’
‘THANK YOU. I will try and have a good time ALL BY MYSELF.’
‘I hope you meet someone nice. I liked that person that was at the party. Someone like him would be all right.’
‘SHUT UP.’
I stomped out, leaving him rather puzzled.
I wasn’t going by myself, of course. Josh and Kate were coming; (1) because they were interested in seeing Chali in a band and pretending they were hip young things, and (2) I needed the back-up in case it all went wrong with Finn.
I’d expected to be able to have a good laugh at Kate when she turned up for a gig in an Emporio Armani suit, but annoyingly she was wearing fashionably short jeans and a little top, and looked fantastic – there obviously was something in all this gym stuff after all. Josh wore a dark suit with a slightly louder tie than normal, but it wasn’t as much fun to laugh at him.
It had suddenly turned cold, in typical English summer style, and the sky was grey and overcast. The gig was in a really nasty, scary pub in King’s Cross, and didn’t even start until ten. Lots of people who looked like they might have razors secreted about their person mooched about in front of us, and Scottish people yelled at us incoherently.
‘Why are there so many drunk Scottish people here?’ asked Josh loudly in his clipped accent.