by ammyford1
Number one. He had caused my sister’s death. Leylana’s words came back to me. ‘Sophie, try and put yourself in his shoes, he has spent the last year punishing himself for what had happened to Katie, the mother of his cousin’s child, how could he possibly tell her sister that he had caused her death?’ Acceptance gives you strength, peace and serenity, had I not read that somewhere? And with acceptance comes forgiveness. Could I not accept what had happened and forgive him? Did I want to hold that bitter resentment and let it eat away at me depriving me of my own happiness for the rest of my life?
Number two. He had lied and kept number one from me. Could I have really owned up to something like that, like I had expected him to? We all had the instinct to protect ourselves and I wondered if I had been in Ahran’s shoes would I really have been able to confess?
Number three. We lived universes apart. Hadn’t I just spent the last few weeks travelling backwards and forwards without a second thought feeling as at home in Ramia as I did in Hatherley? I’d proved to myself that by accepting one world I didn’t have to reject the other.
Number four. We would never be able to have children together. This was a difficult one. I did have Toby and if I was never able to have my own child, at least I had come as close as anyone could to feeling what it was like to be a mother.
And as I stood there each of my objections dissolved away like ripples after a pebble thrown into a pond, one minute they were there, the next they were gone. Was I really going to spend the rest of my life alone wondering what could have happened if I had just taken a leap of faith? No one else seemed to live their lives fearful of what lay ahead. And then it occurred to me; no one else, on this planet or any other, had any guarantees about where their life was heading so why did I expect them? Katie was dead and by an unfortunate twist of fate Ahran had played some part in her death, I couldn’t change either of those facts but what I could change was my attitude to them. Since Katie’s death I had lived in fear. She hadn’t lived her life like that. She accepted what life threw at her and made the best of it. I was pretty certain she would be mortified if she knew I was sabotaging my own future because of what had happened to her. Not only that, but I was punishing Ahran for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had no control over what happened that night and yet I was making him suffer. Who was I to think that it was my place to punish him? From everything Leylana had told me he had already done a pretty good job of that himself.
I stood there leaning against the door and experienced a moment of clarity that I had never felt before. Not only were there no guarantees in life but without forgiveness there is no future. Who knew whether my life would end as abruptly as Katie’s or whether I would live to be a hundred? One thing was for sure, it would be a long pitiable waste of a life if I spent it punishing someone for something that had been out of their control and denying myself the only person I had ever loved.
I closed my eyes and pictured Ahran. It was a joyous relief to finally allow myself to feel what I really felt for him, pure, unadulterated love and for a few moments I bathed in the feeling.
I opened my eyes. Of course there was the small problem that he had looked at me earlier like I was the last person in the world he wanted to see. What if he no longer felt the same about me? Would that be my divine retribution? Had I finally come to terms with my demons only to realise that the man I loved no longer wanted me?
It would be cruel providence.
I sighed and pushed myself away from the door. Well, I could try and win him back or die trying. I felt shaky and feverish at the prospect. I didn’t have anything in my bag that was remotely appropriate for recapturing a man’s heart so I walked over to the wardrobe and opened the doors. There were a number of new dresses and outfits hanging up. I had the sneaking suspicion Leylana had planned for this very occasion. I smiled. She really was like my fairy god mother.
I looked through the beautiful clothes and found an aquamarine maxi-dress. I laid it on the bed and rough dried my hair. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had it cut and it hung in waves almost to the centre of my back. I slipped the dress over my head and stood in front of the mirror. I didn’t look like me. I was leaner than I had been the last time Ahran had seen me, but I hadn’t completely lost my curves. The colour of the dress set off my eyes and complimented my tan. My arms were toned and my hair had been lightened by the sun to the colour of spun gold. My heart was still pounding in my chest. Not bad, Little Miss Earthling, I thought to myself. Isn’t that what Talina had called me? For some reason I no longer saw her as a threat. I don’t know why I felt so light-hearted all of a sudden when this could all go so horribly wrong.
I sat down at the dressing table and carefully applied my make-up. I slipped on a pair of flat silver sandals with delicate straps that wrapped around my ankles. By the time I had finished, the light-hearted feeling was beginning to wane and I was starting to feel sick. Come on Sophie, don’t bottle it now! I made my way to the door, took a deep breath and closed the door behind me.
Chapter 32
I went back to the drawing room but there was nobody there. Where were they all? I went to the dining room but there was nobody there either, except one of the maids who was laying the table for dinner. She looked up as I walked in. I raised my hands and gesticulated. “Where is everyone?” She stared at me blankly for a second and then realised what I meant. She put down the cutlery tray she was holding and beckoned me to follow.
We made our way through the corridors of the palace and I soon realised we were heading for the gardens.
The maid stopped at the doorway and pointed towards the small gathering of people on the lawn and then returned to her chores. I’d not really spent any time in this part of the garden and stood there for a moment taking in the scene before me.
The gardens were beautiful. Surrounding a large, perfect lawn, with mower strips running up and down it, were gravel paths lined with well-stocked borders. The path furthest away had been turned into a green tunnel with arches that were smothered in vines. Off to the far right, another path led through an archway and into a walled pool area which was hidden from view. A cream marquee with no sides was pegged out on the lawn and beneath it was a large rectangular table, ready for lunch to be served. There were several groups of garden chairs and tables set out informally on the lawn. The King and Queen sat with drinks in their hands chatting to a silver haired lady and Ahran was playing football with Toby. It was very warm and Ahran had replaced his shirt with a polo shirt. I stood there in the shadows watching him as he tackled Toby, who deftly avoided Ahran’s attack and slipped past him kicking the ball through the makeshift goal they had made out of two planters. Toby did a lap of honour with his arms in the air and Ahran fell onto his back, covering his face with his hands all in a very dramatic fashion. I smiled as I witnessed them enjoying each other’s company.
I closed my eyes and took in a lungful of air before stepping out into the sun and walking over to the King, Queen and I assumed, the intrepid Grammour. Toby had dropped down beside Ahran who was now lying on his back propped up on his elbows. I felt the moment Ahran noticed me as I stepped out of the shadows and continued to feel his gaze as I made my way to the seated trio. My heart was hammering in my chest but I concentrated on trying to breathe as normally as I could. The King stood up and pulled over another chair placing it between himself and Toby’s great-grandmother.
“Mother, this is Toby’s Aunt, Sophie.”
Halsan’s mother didn’t get up but extended her hand and smiled.
She was a trim lady of senior years. Her face was tanned and lined but her skin was clear and unblemished, her eyes were a piercing blue. I stepped forward and shook her hand.
“Sophie I’m charmed to meet you and my great-grandson. He is a fine young man, there is no doubt about it,” she said. “There are few grown men who would equal in such bravery I am convinced of that. You must be very proud of him.”
She spoke perfect Eng
lish but her use of language was reminiscent of a time past.
“Yes, I am er...,” I hesitated not sure how I should address her.
“Call me Grammour, everyone does here.” Her voice was strong and assertive and I warmed to her immediately.
“Take a seat Sophie. What would you like to drink?” The King asked.
“Just a soft drink, please.”
Halsan directed one of the servants and I sat down as casually as I could, even though I was acutely aware of Ahran lying on the grass no more than ten feet away.
“My son has told me all about your search for Toby. It sounds ghastly,” Grammour continued.
“Yes, it was pretty awful,” I said.
“Bazeera has always been an unpredictable adversary and is capable of great wickedness. The woman is not to be trusted,” she warned. “How close are your forces to defeating her Afgharan?” She turned her attention to her son. Like any doting mother, she didn’t question whether he would be successful.
Ahran had pulled a seat over and sat himself between Leylana and his grandmother. I still hadn’t looked at him directly. Toby came and sat on the arm of my chair.
“I heard from my Commander-in-Chief this morning, they have located her whereabouts and plan to carry out a surprise attack in the next day or two,” Halsan said, answering his mother.
This was certainly welcome news.
“Has she…” my voice caught in my throat, I swallowed and started again. “Has she moved from the place where Toby was held?” Ahran’s close proximity after such a long time away from him was making it difficult for me to string a sentence together.
“She is constantly on the move,” Ahran replied matter-of-factly.
He had spoken. We made eye contact but his face gave nothing away. His eyes were hard and cold as if he found it distasteful to look at me. I looked away. My hopes of winning him back were beginning to fade and the pain of the last few weeks began to throb in my chest.
“She has moved deeper into her territory but we have been tracking her for the last week,” the King added.
Ahran looked at the King as he spoke and I risked another glance. In an attempt to quench my five week thirst, my eyes drank him in. He looked more composed than he had done half an hour or so ago but he was clearly unhappy about being here, or he was unhappy about me being here. Toby got up, bored with the conversation, and started to dribble the ball across the lawn.
I was aware of the conversation as they talked about the difficulties of tracing Bazeera, but I didn’t really hear anything they said as I contemplated how I might try to win Ahran over. I willed him to speak during the discussion so I would have another excuse to look at him but much to my disappointment he barely said a word.
Toby came back and hovered.
“Are you hungry my darling?” Leylana asked.
“Starving,” he replied vociferously.
There was a ripple of approving laughter among the adults. “We better eat then,” the Queen suggested with a smile. Grammour was the first up and she moved easily to the marquee. We followed her lead and seated ourselves around the table and the servants began to serve our food. We chatted as we ate. Ahran and I didn’t speak to one another, other than when I asked him to pass the salad dressing and then he only replied with a polite, “Yes, of course.” For some reason my saliva glands were experiencing a major malfunction. I was dry-mouthed and finding it difficult to swallow, although this wasn’t a total disaster on account of my appetite having completely deserted me. I managed a few mouthfuls of flavoured rice and a couple of strawberries and that was the sum total of my lunch.
I learnt that Grammour had spent a few years on Earth when she was a young woman and she was keen to find out how it had changed. I tried to fill her in on what had changed in 95 years. I did the best I could under the circumstances and managed to highlight some of the more significant events. Grammour listened with interest and questioned me relentlessly. The stress of such an inquisition under Ahran’s watchful gaze took its toll and I was more than relieved when Leylana suggested we all go for a stroll. The King, Queen and Grammour walked ahead. Toby held Leylana’s hand as she pointed out plants in the garden to her mother-in-law. Unnervingly, Ahran became my walking companion by default. We followed the royal party down the garden and I tried to act as normal as possible. He didn’t launch into conversation immediately and so I said the first thing that came into my head.
“So, you’ve moved into the farm?” I quickly glanced at him before returning my gaze to the path. It was too risky looking at him for any longer, not only was he making me feel uncomfortable, but if I looked at him for too long I was rendered incapable of coherent thought.
“Yes, I moved in a few weeks ago,” he said.
There was an awkward silence.
“How does it feel to finally be there?” I asked, trying to sound upbeat and light-hearted. I ventured a quick glance at his face and found him frowning.
“It’s good. It’s been a long time coming.”
In spite of his decidedly frosty manner, I was happy for him, I knew how much his farm meant to him. “Have you got any livestock yet?”
He gave a humourless snort. “Yes, the cattle arrived two weeks ago,” he said with forced patience.
I was running out of things to ask him. There was another pause before we both began to say something at the same time. He gestured for me to continue.
“Oh, I was just going to ask whether you have made a start on the house,” I said.
“No, I’ve been concentrating on getting the farm up and running.” His frustration was beginning to show.
“Sorry, you were going to say something else,” I said.
“How have you been Sophie?” He stopped walking and turned towards me. His eyes searched mine. Clearly he’d had enough of the small talk and the sudden change of conversation took me by surprise.
“Oh, um, I’ve been fine,” I replied.
“Have you?” he asked, sounding angry.
I looked up into his face. His expression was stony but it did nothing to detract from his masculine beauty. I wanted to reach up and soothe his frown away with my fingertips. I glanced down the path. The others had walked on ahead and were out of sight. We were alone. I turned back to him. He was waiting for my response.
I couldn’t tell him I had fallen apart after I’d left Ramia that night and that it had been a struggle to get out of bed each morning because the thought of existing for another day was just too exhausting. Nor could I tell him it had taken every ounce of energy I had to suppress the pain and suffering that Talina’s disclosure had caused and that any moment I’d dared to think about him a million tiny daggers threatened to shred my heart.
“No, not really,” I finally replied.
He seemed more satisfied with that answer. “Why didn’t you answer the phone or open the door? You never gave me the chance to explain.” His tone was still angry but I detected a hint of his own suffering.
“Because I didn’t want to speak to you, you had lied to me Ahran.” My voice rose an octave and my fists clenched at my sides. Tears threatened as I was reminded of the unhappiness I’d felt. “I just needed to get away,” I said, my voice trailing to a whisper. I hadn’t meant to start slinging accusations but his coldness unnerved me.
“I tried to tell you so many times,” he confessed, his expression twisting.
“Ahran, I…”
“Auntie Sophie! Uncle Ahran!” Toby sprinted across the lawn in just his shorts.
I wanted to apologise, to say I’d had time to think about it and that I understood, but Toby’s timing couldn’t have been worse.
Ahran turned away, running his hand through his hair in frustration.
“Do you want to come and have a swim? I’ve been in already?” Toby said, panting as he approached us, the water glistening on his little brown body. “Paps and Grams are by the pool.”
The excitement on his face faded as soon as he sensed the atmospher
e between Ahran and myself.
“Are you okay Auntie Sophie?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” I replied, my voice a little shaky. “Yes, I’ll come for a swim, I just need to go and get my costume.” Toby’s interruption was untimely, but I was thankful for the excuse to go back to my room and gather my thoughts.
“Uncle Ahran?” Toby looked at him expectantly.
“I’m sorry Toby, I really ought to get back to the farm,” he said apologising. My heart sank at the thought of him leaving so soon. I had the horrible feeling that if he left now there would be no going back.
“Oh pleeease,” Toby pleaded.
Ahran hesitated. I guessed he was wondering how he could let him down gently. I was dismayed at how much Ahran seemed to want to get away from here, from me.
“Please uncle Ahran.” Toby gave him his most angelic, imploring look.
“Okay, I’ll come to the pool for a bit,” he said resignedly. I silently let out the breath I’d been holding.
“Yes!” Toby responded and started pulling Ahran towards the pool.
“I won’t be a minute,” I said, excusing myself.
I glanced over my shoulder at them and caught Ahran’s expression. It was so full of torment it almost broke my heart in two. I hurried along the corridors of the palace not wanting to be away from him any longer than I had to. We had begun to talk and I didn’t want to miss any opportunity for us to finish our conversation. He had been distant and hostile, everything he had a right to be after five weeks with no contact from me, and I knew he was hurt and suffering, I could see it in his eyes. I knew if I had contacted him any sooner I would have only been full of recriminations that would have served to put an even bigger wedge between us. Now I had finally come to terms with what had happened and had the chance to explain how I felt, I wanted tell him I no longer blamed him. I was certain I wanted a future with him but judging by the way he had just behaved, I wasn’t at all sure he felt the same.